SNL Transcripts: Drew Barrymore: 02/14/04: Mike’s Bar


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 12

03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

Mike’s Bar

Bartender…..Chris Parnell
John Kerry…..Seth Meyers
George W. Bush…..Will Forte
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Hillary Rodham…..Drew Barrymore

[ open on interior, Mike’s Bar, set in 1968 ]

Music Over: “Sunshine of Your Love”, Cream.

Bartender: Here you go, Lt. Kerry. On the house.

John Kerry: Thanks, Eddie – but it’s just “John Kerry”. I’m on leave for a few months.

Bartender: Visiting the ol’ stomping grounds, huh? Well, your money’s no good here, Sailor.

[ George W. Bush, dressed in graduation cap and gown, enters, holding his diploma up proudly ]

George W. Bush: Whoo-hoo!! Whoooooo!! Whoooooo!! Ladies and gentlemen! It is my great pleasure to announce that I – Goerge W. Bush – have officially gradgeated from Yale.. University! [ makes crowd sound effects ] Thank you! Thank you! [ makes more crowd sound effects ] Thank you, appreciate it, thank you!

Bartender: Got your diploma, George?

George W. Bush: Yes, sir. Listen to this: [ reads ] “This diploma defers upon George W. Bush..” – that’s me – “..a Bachelor of Arts, with a major in Physical Education.” [ stops reading ] “And a minor.. in Partying!” I wrote that in myself! [ chuckles ]

Bartender: That’s great, George. What can I getcha?

George W. Bush: Brew me. Pronto! [ sits next to Kerry ] Hey, buddy, nice shirt. Are you, uh.. you’re missing your cub scout troop, or something?

John Kerry: No, actually, I’m a lieutenant in the United States Navy, on leave from active duty in Vietnam.

George W. Bush: Whoa! Son of a bee sting! I know you! You’re John Kerry! you graduated tow years ago – remember me? George Bush! I was the one who, uh.. put the firecracker in that bulldog’s butt at the Princeton game!

John Kerry: Oh, yes, I remember. A friend of mine explained to me that it was humorous – and that an appropriate response would have been laughter.

George W. Bush: So, uh.. oyu were in Vietnam. [ whistles ] I haven’t really been following that.. but it seems like a really bad scene over there, man.

John Kerry: In the words of Oppenheimer, paraphrasing ancient Indian scripture: “I have become Death. Destroyer of worlds.”

George W. Bush: [ confused ] So, it is a bad scene?

John Kerry: Yes! It’s a bad scene!

George W. Bush: [ sips his beer ] Boy, I love booze! God, strike me dead if I ever turn into one of those pansies who don’t drink booze! If you ever hear me say “I quit booze”, just kick me in the face!

John Kerry: You know what? I promise I will do that!

George W. Bush:

George W. Bush: Thanks, man!

[ a young Bill Clinton enters the bar, flanked by two attractive young women ]

Bill Clinton: Ladies? What do you say we have a drink in here? This seems like a nice place. [ to Bush and Kerry ] Gentlemen. The name’s William Jefferson Clinton – this is Moonbeam, this is Thistledew. I call her Thistledew because.. this’ll do!

George W. Bush: [ smiling ] That’s nice!

Bill Clinton: Girls? Here’s some money – why don’t you go play a little pinball?

[ the girls exit to a back room, as Clinton sits next to Bush ]

George W. Bush: I’m George W. Bush!

Bill Clinton: Yes, sir.

George W. Bush: And I can tell you and me are going to be great friends! I’m a booze hound, and you’re a cooze hound!

Bill Clinton: [ chuckles ] It’s a pleasure, George. [ looks at Kerry ] What’s with the stiff? Hey, buddy, who died?

John Kerry: [ a beat ] A lot of people, actually. My commanding officer.. a couple of my friends..

George W. Bush: This here is John Kerry, he’s kind of a buzzkill. So, what brings you to town, Billy?

Bill Clinton: I’m visiting the law school, uh.. I figured it was a good way to avoid going to Vietnam. But, now, I’ve got a new plan: go to Europe, smoke a bunch of weed, and see if I can snag me one of those Benny Hill’s girls – I love.. that.. show.

George W. Bush: Really? Really, I gave it a try; I couldn’t follow it. I don’t like humor you have to think about too much, you know?

Bill Clinton: You know, George W.. you should come over to England. You and me, we could do some real damage over there.

George W. Bush: Oh, I can’t leave.. You see, I made a committment to serve my country in the Texas Air National Guard. [ a beat ] I’m just kidding! I’ll come over next week!

Bill Clinton: [ chuckles ]

George W. Bush: Is it cool if I crash on your floor?

Bill Clinton: Actually, I have an extra bed.

George W. Bush: No, I’ll probably literally crash on your floor – I drink a lot!

Bill Clinton: [ looking toward the door ] Uh-oh, look out – lesbo, two o’clock.

Hillary Rodham: Excuse me, guys. My name is Hillary Rodham, and I’m visiting from Wellesley.. can one of you tell me where the art museum is?

George W. Bush: [ chuckles ] Boy, are you askin’ the wrong guy!

John Kerry: It’s down Chapel St., on the right.

Hillary Rodham: Thanks, sailor.

George W. Bush: Hey, Kerry. I think she’s into you, man!

Bill Clinton: Ugh! Better him than me. Hey, G.I. Joe, why don’t you do us all a favor and jump on that grenade?

Hillary Rodham: Hey! That is a typically boorish male, patriarchal response, and I will not stand for it!

John Kerry: Miss Rodham, don’t pay attention to them! I could use some air – why don’t I walk you to the museum?

Hillary Rodham: Well. At least one of you around here is a gentlemen!

John Kerry: [ looks back at Clinton and Bush ] You two owe me for this, big time! [ exits with Hillary ]

Bill Clinton: George W., man oh man. Isn’t it great to be young and carefree?

George W. Bush: You said it! To know that you cna do whatever you want. And no one will ever know! And there will never be any consequences!

Bill Clinton: Speaking of which.. [ clears throat, pulls out a joint from inside his jacket ] You want to turn on, space man?

George W. Bush: Oh, no.. I don’t touch that stuff.

[ Clinton puts the joint away ]

George W. Bush: [ unsteady ] Uhhh.. you got any cocaine on ya’?

Bill Clinton: Yes. Yes. I do.

[ arm-in-arm, Clinton and Bush exit to the rear of the bar ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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