Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 12
John Kerry…..Seth Meyers
George W. Bush…..Will Forte
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Hillary Rodham…..Drew Barrymore
[ open on interior, Mike’s Bar, set in 1968 ]
Music Over: “Sunshine of Your Love”, Cream.
Bartender: Here you go, Lt. Kerry. On the house.
John Kerry: Thanks, Eddie – but it’s just “John Kerry”. I’m on leave for a few months.
Bartender: Visiting the ol’ stomping grounds, huh? Well, your money’s no good here, Sailor.
[ George W. Bush, dressed in graduation cap and gown, enters, holding his diploma up proudly ]
George W. Bush: Whoo-hoo!! Whoooooo!! Whoooooo!! Ladies and gentlemen! It is my great pleasure to announce that I – Goerge W. Bush – have officially gradgeated from Yale.. University! [ makes crowd sound effects ] Thank you! Thank you! [ makes more crowd sound effects ] Thank you, appreciate it, thank you!
Bartender: Got your diploma, George?
George W. Bush: Yes, sir. Listen to this: [ reads ] “This diploma defers upon George W. Bush..” – that’s me – “..a Bachelor of Arts, with a major in Physical Education.” [ stops reading ] “And a minor.. in Partying!” I wrote that in myself! [ chuckles ]
Bartender: That’s great, George. What can I getcha?
George W. Bush: Brew me. Pronto! [ sits next to Kerry ] Hey, buddy, nice shirt. Are you, uh.. you’re missing your cub scout troop, or something?
John Kerry: No, actually, I’m a lieutenant in the United States Navy, on leave from active duty in Vietnam.
George W. Bush: Whoa! Son of a bee sting! I know you! You’re John Kerry! you graduated tow years ago – remember me? George Bush! I was the one who, uh.. put the firecracker in that bulldog’s butt at the Princeton game!
John Kerry: Oh, yes, I remember. A friend of mine explained to me that it was humorous – and that an appropriate response would have been laughter.
George W. Bush: So, uh.. oyu were in Vietnam. [ whistles ] I haven’t really been following that.. but it seems like a really bad scene over there, man.
John Kerry: In the words of Oppenheimer, paraphrasing ancient Indian scripture: “I have become Death. Destroyer of worlds.”
George W. Bush: [ confused ] So, it is a bad scene?
John Kerry: Yes! It’s a bad scene!
George W. Bush: [ sips his beer ] Boy, I love booze! God, strike me dead if I ever turn into one of those pansies who don’t drink booze! If you ever hear me say “I quit booze”, just kick me in the face!
John Kerry: You know what? I promise I will do that!
George W. Bush:
George W. Bush: Thanks, man!
[ a young Bill Clinton enters the bar, flanked by two attractive young women ]
Bill Clinton: Ladies? What do you say we have a drink in here? This seems like a nice place. [ to Bush and Kerry ] Gentlemen. The name’s William Jefferson Clinton – this is Moonbeam, this is Thistledew. I call her Thistledew because.. this’ll do!
George W. Bush: [ smiling ] That’s nice!
Bill Clinton: Girls? Here’s some money – why don’t you go play a little pinball?
[ the girls exit to a back room, as Clinton sits next to Bush ]
George W. Bush: I’m George W. Bush!
Bill Clinton: Yes, sir.
George W. Bush: And I can tell you and me are going to be great friends! I’m a booze hound, and you’re a cooze hound!
Bill Clinton: [ chuckles ] It’s a pleasure, George. [ looks at Kerry ] What’s with the stiff? Hey, buddy, who died?
John Kerry: [ a beat ] A lot of people, actually. My commanding officer.. a couple of my friends..
George W. Bush: This here is John Kerry, he’s kind of a buzzkill. So, what brings you to town, Billy?
Bill Clinton: I’m visiting the law school, uh.. I figured it was a good way to avoid going to Vietnam. But, now, I’ve got a new plan: go to Europe, smoke a bunch of weed, and see if I can snag me one of those Benny Hills girls – I love.. that.. show.
George W. Bush: Really? Really, I gave it a try; I couldnt follow it. I dont like humor you have to think about too much, you know?
Bill Clinton: You know, George W.. you should come over to England. You and me, we could do some real damage over there.
George W. Bush: Oh, I can’t leave.. You see, I made a committment to serve my country in the Texas Air National Guard. [ a beat ] I’m just kidding! I’ll come over next week!
Bill Clinton: [ chuckles ]
George W. Bush: Is it cool if I crash on your floor?
Bill Clinton: Actually, I have an extra bed.
George W. Bush: No, I’ll probably literally crash on your floor – I drink a lot!
Bill Clinton: [ looking toward the door ] Uh-oh, look out – lesbo, two o’clock.
Hillary Rodham: Excuse me, guys. My name is Hillary Rodham, and I’m visiting from Wellesley.. can one of you tell me where the art museum is?
George W. Bush: [ chuckles ] Boy, are you askin’ the wrong guy!
John Kerry: It’s down Chapel St., on the right.
Hillary Rodham: Thanks, sailor.
George W. Bush: Hey, Kerry. I think she’s into you, man!
Bill Clinton: Ugh! Better him than me. Hey, G.I. Joe, why dont you do us all a favor and jump on that grenade?
Hillary Rodham: Hey! That is a typically boorish male, patriarchal response, and I will not stand for it!
John Kerry: Miss Rodham, don’t pay attention to them! I could use some air – why don’t I walk you to the museum?
Hillary Rodham: Well. At least one of you around here is a gentlemen!
John Kerry: [ looks back at Clinton and Bush ] You two owe me for this, big time! [ exits with Hillary ]
Bill Clinton: George W., man oh man. Isn’t it great to be young and carefree?
George W. Bush: You said it! To know that you cna do whatever you want. And no one will ever know! And there will never be any consequences!
Bill Clinton: Speaking of which.. [ clears throat, pulls out a joint from inside his jacket ] You want to turn on, space man?
George W. Bush: Oh, no.. I don’t touch that stuff.
[ Clinton puts the joint away ]
George W. Bush: [ unsteady ] Uhhh.. you got any cocaine on ya’?
Bill Clinton: Yes. Yes. I do.
[ arm-in-arm, Clinton and Bush exit to the rear of the bar ]
[ fade ]