Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 12
Deejay Johnathan Feinstein….Seth Meyers
Gobi’s sister….Drew Barrymore
Jarret: Hey, what’s up everybody? Its me Jarret coming to you live from McGinn Hall here at Hampshire College. Its Valentine’s Day. Love is in the air. Young lovers thoughts turn to romance and tomorrow morning thousands of college students everywhere will wake up next to a person who’s name they can’t remember, covered in their own puke. Its beautiful. Anyway, we have an awesome show for you tonight. So give it up for my house band Deejay Johnathan Feinstein![Camera turns to Deejay Johnathan Feinstein. He’s in a green suit, dark sunglasses and with two black chicks in green shaking it up singing Outkast’s hit “Hey, Ya'”]
Deejay Jonathan Feinstein: 1! 2! 3! 4! My baby don’t ask around because I love her so….and then I’ll know for sure….[Jarret turns his music off]
Jarret: You’re an idiot.
: Schtanke you. Schtanke you very much.
Jarret: Please, stop it.
Deejay Johnathan Feinstein: All right.[trying to pick up the song’s tempo]All right, all right, all right, all right….
Jarret: Stop, stop, stop![Deejay stops] [Jarret fixes the camera on himself again]
Jarret: Anyway, give it up for my best friend and roommate, Gobi![We hear Gobi off camera singing Cheech’s theme song from the movie “Born in East L.A.”.]
Gobi:[sing]Born in the East L.A., I was Born in East L.A.![puts his “Free Chong” t-shirt right into the camera] Free Chong![laughs and sits next to Jarret]
Jarret: Free Chong!
Gobi: It isn’t cool what they’re doing to Chong.
Gobi: She didn’t do nothing!
Jarret: Wait, she?
Gobi: Yeah, so what that she married Maury Povich. That’s not a crime. Free Chong!
Jarret: You’re way off.
Gobi: Hey! Happy President’s Day everybody!
Jarret: Nice Abraham Lincoln hat you got there, dude.
Gobi: Thank you. Just a little tribute to our first President.
Jarret: Second actually.
Gobi: “For score seven joints ago. I created Bong Hat” [Gobi takes a puff out of a bong made out of a top hat. Blows smoke and laughs] Bong Hat! Daradada Dadadada! Bong Hat! Daradada, dadadada.
Jarret: Well, you know, I’m a little bummed right now.
Gobi: Oh, no.
Jarret: Yeah, today is Valentine’s day and I don’t have a Valentine.
Gobi: Oh, dude. I almost forgot. I found a chick for you. She’s super hot. She’s easy. She gives it up to anybody.
Jarret: Why don’t you go out with her?
Gobi: That’s gross! That’s my sister!
Jarret: Ok. First of all, its weird that you talk like that about your sister. Second, I can’t go out with her. It would be weird. It would be like making out with you. Check out this picture of Gobi’s sister.[Clicks computer keys, a picture of a fat, blonde chick appears. Gobi looks at her excited.]
Gobi: That chick’s hot!
Jarret: “A” no she’s not. And dude, that’s your sister, man.
Gobi: Dude. Trust me. You’re gonna like her.
Jarret: No, no, no. I will not like her. No way.
Gobi: Yeah, you will.
Jarret: No, I will not.[A cute blonde enters the room behind Gobi and Jarret. She has a cane and big dark sunglasses]
Gobi’s Sister: Gobi? Jarret? Are you in here? Hello?
Gobi: That’s her.
Jarret: Dude, Gobi, you never told me your sister was blind.
Gobi’s Sister:[takes off glasses] I’m not actually. I just told the government that I was blind so that I could get medicinal marijuana for my glaucoma! Yeah! Awesome!
Jarret: Awesome, wow. You look so different.
Gobi’s Sister: Oh, yeah. Well, I just got that Chinese bird flu so I lost a whole bunch of weight.
Jarret: That is so hot.
Gobi’s Sister: Yeah, well I’m better now. And that’s why I’m here in New Hampshire ready to support Dean with his New Hampshire primary. Go Dean! Yeah! I’m a Dean-iac!
Gobi: No way. Dean Cain is running for President?
Jarret: The New Hampshire primary was like 3 weeks ago. You know that? Right?
Gobi’s Sister: Oh, crap. Well, I thought I found my true calling when I saw him on TV he was all like “We’re going to Michigan! Florida! South Carolina! North Carolina! DELAWARE! AAAAHHHH!!!! And it was then that I knew I had to do my patriotic duty and give this guy a joint so he can mellow out!
Gobi: Wow! I can’t believe it! Superman’s gonna be President!
Jarret: You were gonna sell weed to a Presidential candidate?[Horatio has a coughing fit]
Jarret:[ad-lib] You ok buddy?
Gobi’s Sister: Are you ok?
Gobi: I’m all right.
Jarret: Man, you were gonna sell weed to a Presidential candidate. I love you.[Image blurs into a dream. Gobi’s sister lies in bed]
Gobi’s Sister: Hey, Jarret. You’re looking very sexy tonight.[Jarret has a robe on, smoking a pipe, gigolo attitude]
Jarret: Thank you. Yeah, you’re looking ravishingly “replent”. And may I say even boner-inducing.[brings up a tray of Cheetos] Could i interest you in some Cheetos? Careful, its not easy, being cheesy.
Gobi’s Sister: Would you care for some smoke? [She expertly rolls a joint in seconds]
Gobi’s Sister: Got a light?
Jarret: Sure do.[Brings out a big Jerry Garcia head with a lighter on top. Jarret flicks the lighter a couple of times and can’t get it to light itself. Jimmy a little embarrassed ad-libs]You know what? I’m probably gonna have to go out and get another one.[Drew laughs at this blooper.]
Gobi’s Sister: Great. Why don’t you come here and lie down for a while?
Jarret: Don’t mind if I do. Just let me slip into something more comfortable.[goes out and returns in a second] That’s better.
Gobi’s Sister: Hey, wait. I thought you said you were gonna slip into something more comfortable.
Jarret: I did. I’m not wearing these anymore.[shows his heart filled undies, throws them away]
Gobi’s Sister: Mind if I put on a little mood music?[She clicks the remote and “Casey Jones” from The Grateful Dead plays]
“Riding that train, high on cocaine….”[Jarret produces 2 glasses and a Colt .45 bottle of beer. Gets into bed with Gobi’s sister.]
“Watch your speed, trouble ahead, trouble behind and you know that notion just crossed my mind….this old…”[Close-up on the clock. 10:32, 10:33, 10:34, 10:35] [Jarret comes up from under the covers exhilarated]
Jarret: That was amazing![Gobi comes from under the covers too]
Gobi: Totally![They face each other and freak out]
Gobi and Jarret: AAAAAAHHHH!!!!![Back from the dream, back in Jarret’s room]
Gobi’s Sister: Jarret, Jarret! Are you ok?
Jarret: Thank God it was a dream.
Gobi: Or was it?
Gobi: Whoa.[Gobi brings up a giant, red, clown shoe. Drew absolutely cracks up at the sight of it. Horatio cracks up a bit too.]
Jarret: What is that?
Gobi: Didn’t you had a dream that you were naked and Ronald McDonald was beating the crap out of you with his shoe?
Gobi: Oh, I guess it was a dream.
Jarret: Yeah, it was.
Gobi: Or was it?[Gobi brings up Jarret’s heart filled underwear]
Gobi, Jarret and Gobi’s Sister: AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!
Jarret: That’s all the time we have for today. Deejay Johnathan Feinstein take us out!
Deejay Johnathan Feinstein:[resumes “Hey, Ya'” with the black girls shaking it up]Shake it! Oh, shake it! Shake it![Computer logs off] [cheers and applause] [fade]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel