SNL Transcripts: Drew Barrymore: 02/14/04: Drew Barrymore’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 12

03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

Drew Barrymore’s Monologue

…..Drew Barrymore
E.T…..Will Forte
C3PO…..Seth Meyers
Zelda Rubinstein…..Rachel Dratch
Darth Vader…..Darrell Hammond

Drew Barrymore: Thank you, everybody, it’s great to be back! [ audience can’t stop applauding ] Thank you! Thank you! Thanks, you guys! Hey, it’s great to be back here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”! You know, the first time I hosted the show I was seven years old – it was way back in the early 80’s, right after I did “E.T.”. Now, that seems like a lifetime ago, and I’ve made a bunch of movies since then —

[ E.T. enters stage ]

E.T.: Drew-ewww. Drew-ewww!

Drew Barrymore: Oh, my God! E.T.!

E.T.: It’s been so long!

Drew Barrymore: I know! What are you doing here? I thought you went.. home.

E.T.: Well, I came back to do a spot on “I Love the 80’s”, on VH1.

Drew Barrymore: Right, right.. well.. gosh. We should, uh, sit around and.. catch up and talk.. and.. you know – later, I’ll get you some Reese’s Pieces.

E.T.: Noooo. I’m on Atkins.

Drew Barrymore: Right. Isn’t everybody now..?

[ 3CPO enters stage ]

C3PO: Drew Barrymore!

Drew Barrymore: C3PO?

C3PO: I haven’t you since we were together in “Star Wars”!

Drew Barrymore: I wasn’t.. I wasn’t even in “Star Wars”..

C3PO: Wasn’t in “Star Wars”? But of course you were!

Drew Barrymore: No. I mean.. I was pretty messed up at certain points back then, but I’m pretty sure I’d remember if I was in “Star Wars”!

[ Zelda Rubenstein, the midget lady from “Poltergeist” enters stage ]

Zelda Rubinstein: Do not go in-to the light!

Drew Barrymore: Okay —

Zelda Rubinstein: Run a-way from the liiiight.

Drew Barrymore: Okay, who are you?

Zelda Rubinstein: It’s me, you co-star from “Pol-ter-geist” – Mid-get La-dyyyy!

Drew Barrymore: Wait a minute.. I wasn’t in “Poltergeist”.

Zelda Rubinstein: Are you su-urrrrre? I re-mem-ber a lit-tle gir-liiiiie..

Drew Barrymore: Yes. No. I’m.. positive, I’m sure. No.

Zelda Rubinstein: You can’t tell me you did-n’t au-dit-ion for it..

Drew Barrymore: Actually, I did, funny enough. But.. no. That was a long time ago —

[ Darth Vader enters stage ]

Darth Vader: Young Barrymore. I am your father.

Drew Barrymore: Wait. You guys! I wasn’t in “Star Wars”, I wasn’t in “Poltergeist”, and you’re definitely not my father!

Darth Vader: Well.. guess I’ll just.. throw this damn thing away. [ holds out a paper Valentine ] [ the cache of non-co-stars awwws ]

Drew Barrymore: Wait, no, no. That’s really sweet, actually. Why don’t you read it to me?

Darth Vader: [ relunctantly ] Oh, alright. [ reads ]“I held you, when you skinned your knee.
My heart soared on your graduation day.
And, although I’m known by many other names:
Lord of the Sith.. Vader.. Anakin the Skywalker..
The one I’m most proud of..
Is “Dad”.”
And, then, I wrote something about.. “Happy Valentine’s Day. Daddy.”

Drew Barrymore: Thank you. Thank you. Happy Valentine’s Day. I think that was so sweet. I wish all of you were my Valentine.

E.T.: Not me. E.T. holding out for Kelis. I like milkshakes!

Drew Barrymore: Excellent. Well, I’ll see what I can do to help you there. And, we’ve got a great show – Kelis is here. So, stick around and we.. we will be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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