SNL Transcripts: Drew Barrymore: 02/14/04: Drew Barrymore’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 12

03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

Drew Barrymore’s Monologue

…..Drew Barrymore
E.T…..Will Forte
C3PO…..Seth Meyers
Zelda Rubinstein…..Rachel Dratch
Darth Vader…..Darrell Hammond

Drew Barrymore: Thank you, everybody, it’s great to be back! [ audience can’t stop applauding ] Thank you! Thank you! Thanks, you guys! Hey, it’s great to be back here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”! You know, the first time I hosted the show I was seven years old – it was way back in the early 80’s, right after I did “E.T.”. Now, that seems like a lifetime ago, and I’ve made a bunch of movies since then —

[ E.T. enters stage ]

E.T.: Drew-ewww. Drew-ewww!

Drew Barrymore: Oh, my God! E.T.!

E.T.: It’s been so long!

Drew Barrymore: I know! What are you doing here? I thought you went.. home.

E.T.: Well, I came back to do a spot on “I Love the 80’s”, on VH1.

Drew Barrymore: Right, right.. well.. gosh. We should, uh, sit around and.. catch up and talk.. and.. you know – later, I’ll get you some Reese’s Pieces.

E.T.: Noooo. I’m on Atkins.

Drew Barrymore: Right. Isn’t everybody now..?

[ 3CPO enters stage ]

C3PO: Drew Barrymore!

Drew Barrymore: C3PO?

C3PO: I haven’t you since we were together in “Star Wars”!

Drew Barrymore: I wasn’t.. I wasn’t even in “Star Wars”..

C3PO: Wasn’t in “Star Wars”? But of course you were!

Drew Barrymore: No. I mean.. I was pretty messed up at certain points back then, but I’m pretty sure I’d remember if I was in “Star Wars”!

[ Zelda Rubenstein, the midget lady from “Poltergeist” enters stage ]

Zelda Rubinstein: Do not go in-to the light!

Drew Barrymore: Okay —

Zelda Rubinstein: Run a-way from the liiiight.

Drew Barrymore: Okay, who are you?

Zelda Rubinstein: It’s me, you co-star from “Pol-ter-geist” – Mid-get La-dyyyy!

Drew Barrymore: Wait a minute.. I wasn’t in “Poltergeist”.

Zelda Rubinstein: Are you su-urrrrre? I re-mem-ber a lit-tle gir-liiiiie..

Drew Barrymore: Yes. No. I’m.. positive, I’m sure. No.

Zelda Rubinstein: You can’t tell me you did-n’t au-dit-ion for it..

Drew Barrymore: Actually, I did, funny enough. But.. no. That was a long time ago —

[ Darth Vader enters stage ]

Darth Vader: Young Barrymore. I am your father.

Drew Barrymore: Wait. You guys! I wasn’t in “Star Wars”, I wasn’t in “Poltergeist”, and you’re definitely not my father!

Darth Vader: Well.. guess I’ll just.. throw this damn thing away. [ holds out a paper Valentine ] [ the cache of non-co-stars awwws ]

Drew Barrymore: Wait, no, no. That’s really sweet, actually. Why don’t you read it to me?

Darth Vader: [ relunctantly ] Oh, alright. [ reads ]“I held you, when you skinned your knee.
My heart soared on your graduation day.
And, although I’m known by many other names:
Lord of the Sith.. Vader.. Anakin the Skywalker..
The one I’m most proud of..
Is “Dad”.”
And, then, I wrote something about.. “Happy Valentine’s Day. Daddy.”

Drew Barrymore: Thank you. Thank you. Happy Valentine’s Day. I think that was so sweet. I wish all of you were my Valentine.

E.T.: Not me. E.T. holding out for Kelis. I like milkshakes!

Drew Barrymore: Excellent. Well, I’ll see what I can do to help you there. And, we’ve got a great show – Kelis is here. So, stick around and we.. we will be right back!

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