Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 12
Drew Barrymore’s Monologue
…..Drew Barrymore
E.T…..Will Forte
C3PO…..Seth Meyers
Zelda Rubinstein…..Rachel Dratch
Darth Vader…..Darrell Hammond
Drew Barrymore: Thank you, everybody, it’s great to be back! [ audience can’t stop applauding ] Thank you! Thank you! Thanks, you guys! Hey, it’s great to be back here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”! You know, the first time I hosted the show I was seven years old – it was way back in the early 80’s, right after I did “E.T.”. Now, that seems like a lifetime ago, and I’ve made a bunch of movies since then —
[ E.T. enters stage ]
E.T.: Drew-ewww. Drew-ewww!
Drew Barrymore: Oh, my God! E.T.!
E.T.: It’s been so long!
Drew Barrymore: I know! What are you doing here? I thought you went.. home.
E.T.: Well, I came back to do a spot on “I Love the 80s”, on VH1.
Drew Barrymore: Right, right.. well.. gosh. We should, uh, sit around and.. catch up and talk.. and.. you know – later, I’ll get you some Reese’s Pieces.
E.T.: Noooo. I’m on Atkins.
Drew Barrymore: Right. Isn’t everybody now..?
[ 3CPO enters stage ]
C3PO: Drew Barrymore!
Drew Barrymore: C3PO?
C3PO: I haven’t you since we were together in “Star Wars”!
Drew Barrymore: I wasn’t.. I wasn’t even in “Star Wars”..
C3PO: Wasn’t in “Star Wars”? But of course you were!
Drew Barrymore: No. I mean.. I was pretty messed up at certain points back then, but I’m pretty sure I’d remember if I was in “Star Wars”!
[ Zelda Rubenstein, the midget lady from “Poltergeist” enters stage ]
Zelda Rubinstein: Do not go in-to the light!
Drew Barrymore: Okay —
Zelda Rubinstein: Run a-way from the liiiight.
Drew Barrymore: Okay, who are you?
Zelda Rubinstein: It’s me, you co-star from “Pol-ter-geist” – Mid-get La-dyyyy!
Drew Barrymore: Wait a minute.. I wasn’t in “Poltergeist”.
Zelda Rubinstein: Are you su-urrrrre? I re-mem-ber a lit-tle gir-liiiiie..
Drew Barrymore: Yes. No. I’m.. positive, I’m sure. No.
Zelda Rubinstein: You can’t tell me you did-n’t au-dit-ion for it..
Drew Barrymore: Actually, I did, funny enough. But.. no. That was a long time ago —
[ Darth Vader enters stage ]
Darth Vader: Young Barrymore. I am your father.
Drew Barrymore: Wait. You guys! I wasn’t in “Star Wars”, I wasn’t in “Poltergeist”, and you’re definitely not my father!
Darth Vader: Well.. guess I’ll just.. throw this damn thing away. [ holds out a paper Valentine ]
[ the cache of non-co-stars awwws ]
Drew Barrymore: Wait, no, no. That’s really sweet, actually. Why don’t you read it to me?
Darth Vader: [ relunctantly ] Oh, alright. [ reads ]
“I held you, when you skinned your knee.
My heart soared on your graduation day.
And, although I’m known by many other names:
Lord of the Sith.. Vader.. Anakin the Skywalker..
Whatever.
The one I’m most proud of..
Is “Dad”.”
And, then, I wrote something about.. “Happy Valentine’s Day. Daddy.”
Drew Barrymore: Thank you. Thank you. Happy Valentine’s Day. I think that was so sweet. I wish all of you were my Valentine.
E.T.: Not me. E.T. holding out for Kelis. I like milkshakes!
Drew Barrymore: Excellent. Well, I’ll see what I can do to help you there. And, we’ve got a great show – Kelis is here. So, stick around and we.. we will be right back!
