SNL Transcripts: Drew Barrymore: 02/14/04: Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 12

03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Diana Ross…..Maya Rudolph
Roberta…..Finesse Mitchell

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.

Tina Fey: On Friday, the White House released 400 pages of President Bush’s military records. Yet, it is still not yet clear whether Bush was AWOL for almost a year from the Texas National Guard. Nor does it explain, the President’s eight-month tour of duty on the Kiss Army.
[ photo of Bush in Kiss make-up ]

Cartoon character Cathy finally got engaged to her boyfriend, in today’s Valentine edition of her strip. Meanwhile, Marcie and Peppermint Patty are moving to Massachusetts.

Jimmy Fallon: An internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said, “Close, but no cigar.”

A researcher in Seattle has produced a mathematical formula to predict the outcome of any marriage. And, here it is: X + Jennifer Lopez = 0.

Tina Fey: A U.S. born panda, named Hua Mei, will soon be returned to her ancestral homeland of China, where she is expected to be delicious.

Jimmy Fallon: The head of the Philly Phanatic, the mascot for the Philadelphia Phillies, has gone missing. Police want to question this man.
[ photo of thief wearing the Phanatic head ]

Tina Fey: Because of friction between the U.S. and Brazil, it was announced that a float at this year’s Carnivale will be a 12-foot sculpture of Uncle Sam with his pants down, and his genitals in plain sight – or, as Bill Clinton calls it: “business casual.”

According to a report by the New York City Council, not enough pharmacies are stocking the Morning After birth-control pill, despite a law requiring them to carry it. And, at the pharmacies that do carry it, I’d appreciate a little less attitude.

Jimmy Fallon: A suprising new survey shows that women over 40 spend the greatest amount of time playing online games.

Tina Fey: [ smoking a cigarette ] Yeah, well, I’ll tell ya.. it’s beats drinking alone.

Jimmy Fallon: Michael McGuire —

Tina Fey: It really does.

Jimmy Fallon: I know, I know – I heard you the first time. Yeah, yeah – good for you. Good luck!

Michael McGuire, a prisoner in Nebraska, escaped from a hospital by using a fake gun he had made out of toilet paper. The plan turned tragic, however, when he used a real gun to wipe himself.

Tina Fey: This week, soul diva Diana Ross was sentenced to two days in jail for her drunk driving arrest in Tucson last year. Here now, via satellite from a women’s prison in Los Angeles, is Diana Ross.

[ cut to Diana Ross behind bars in prison ]

Diana Ross: Oooooooh! Hello, Tina! Ow!

Tina Fey: Hi, Diana. How’s it going?

Diana Ross: Not good, Tina! I’m in jail! and, let me tell you something – in jail, they do not call me “Miss Ross.” They call me “Inmate #54899-B.” Ow!

Tina Fey: Wow. So, how are they treating you in there?

Diana Ross: Jail is not a spa, Tina. I realized that, once I got here and looked around for the sauna and the bowl of fresh, green apples. All I found was a tiny rom with a stinky little terlet with no lid, and a very grumpy bunkmate named Roberta.

[ Roberta the bunkmate paces the cell behind Diana, making her nervous and scared ]

Tina Fey: Well, since we’ve got you here on live TV, is there anything you want to say to your fans?

Diana Ross: Yessssss! Tina-na-naaa! What I would like to say is: Remember that scene in “Mahogony”, those fantastic photos of me looking glamorous in Rome! Jail is not like that, Tina. Although, really, there is someone that’s a dead-ringer for Billy Dee Williams – except her name is Roberta! [ Roberta paces behind Diana ] I mean, she got a moustache and everything!

Tina Fey: How long have you been in there so far, Miss Ross?

Diana Ross: About twenty minutes! I’m not gonna make it, Tina!

Tina Fey: It’s okay, it’s okay, Diana. You’ll be okay.

Diana Ross: No, it’s not! They took away my Emory board and my hot comb! I’m freakin’ out, Tina!

Tina Fey: Ohhhh, I am so sorry —

Diana Ross: Hey, Tinaaaaaaaa!! Remember in the 1960’s, when I was in the fabulous girl-group The Supremes?

Tina Fey: Yeah.

Diana Ross: And I had twelve #1 songs and eighten Top 10 hits?

Tina Fey: Yes. Of course. We all remember that, yeah.

Diana Ross: Jail is not like that either, Tina! It’s quite the opposite! One minute, you’re returning your copy of “V.I. Warshawski” to a Blockbuster in Tucson; and, the next thing you know, you’re in the hoosegow! I’m in the pokie, Tina! I’m in the joint! The slammer! The clink! The can! [ Roberta moves close on Diana ] Uh-oh, I gotta go.. Roberta needs to go to sleep, and she says if I make any noise she’s gonna shank me! Tina-na-naaa!

Tina Fey: Diana Ross! Diana Ross, everybody!

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon!

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey! Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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