SNL Transcripts: Drew Barrymore: 02/14/04: A Very Special Valentine’s Versace



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 12


03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

A Very Special Valentine’s Versace

Donatella Versace….Maya Rudolph
Elton John….Horatio Sanz
Courtney Love….Drew Barrymore
Madonna….Amy Poehler

Caption: A Very Special Valentine’s Versace.

[Opens with a mansion’s living room where the always worn and tired Donatella Versace is singing “The Love Boat” theme song into a microphone and smoking. Four beefed-up man servants shirtless and in tight shorts dance and vogue around her.]

Donatella Versace: [sings in a hoarse voice] Love exciting and new, come aboard we’re expecting you….the love boat.[stops singing, man servants stand aside] Hello peoples. I’m Donatella Versace and this is my Valentine’s Day Special. Tickling the ivories among other things, and by that I mean dude’s testicles, is Sir Elton John.

[Elton sits at his piano, white angel wings on the back of his white tuxedo.]

Elton John: Donatella, you mysterious creature. You sing as good as you look.

Donatella Versace: And you look like the Pillsbury Doughboy in a bad rug. I love you Elton. Now shut up and sing with me, you fruit cocktail.

Elton John: [plays piano, sings] Don’t go breaking my heart….

Donatella Versace: [sings, hoarse voice] I couldn’t if I tried….

Elton John: [sings] Oh, honey if I get restless….

Donatella Versace: [sings, hoarse voice]Baby, you’re not the kind….

Elton and Donatella: [sing]Whoo-hoo! Nobody knows it…[Donatella throws a champagne glass against the wall, it shatters and the music stops]

Donatella Versace: Thanks for that treat, Elton. That was great. Ok, my first guest used to be interesting but now she’s kind of a boring jerk. Please welcome, Madonna.

[Madonna enters with a very conservative suit on and a book on her hands]

Madonna: [fake British accent] Hello Donatella. Happy Valentine’s Day. I brought you something.

Donatella Versace: [excited]Oh, Madonna! Its a present for me? Give it to me, give it to me, faster, hand it over![takes the book] What the hell is this?

Madonna: Its my new children’s book. Its the story of one little girl’s discovery of the Kabbalah.

Donatella Versace: Kabbalah? That sounds Ka-boring. Madonna, let’s smoke and have some champagne.

Madonna: No, thank you, Donatella. I don’t pollute my body with those things. I like to be present and in control.

Donatella Versace: Oh, were you in control when you let Dennis Rodman bone you sideways? Now, do me a favor and GET OUT!!!![Madonna leaves] Oh, Madonna. I love her so much. Hey, Elton make up a Valentine’s Day song while I sink 50 cigarettes to calm myself down.[Donatella lights up a fat stack of ciggies]

Elton John: How about this Donatella? [sings]Oh Valentine you’ll never know…anything about my home….

Donatella Versace: Somebody please wake me from this nightmare.[Sound of car crashing]Uh-oh, I’d recognize that car crash anywhere. Ladies and gentlemen, Courtney Love.

Courtney Love: [from outside the room] Donatella! Let me in YOU BITCH![a drugged out Courtney flies through the glass door into the floor, gets up]I accidentally drove over 4 of your birdbaths on my way in.

Donatella Versace: Oh, thanks a million Courtney. I hate birds. Hey, look. I made you a dress.[gives Courtney a hanger with little strips of cloth on it]

Courtney Love: Oh, I love it.[throws hanger away, points to Elton]Hey, I know you! I slept with you!

[Elton laughs at the silly notion]

Elton John: Ha,ha,ha. No.

Donatella Versace: That’s Elton John, you dummy.

Courtney Love: Oh, sorry. I thought it was Rosie O’Donnell. This party sucks! I’m gonna trash the place.

Donatella Versace: Knock yourself out. This place is a rental anyway. Just whatever you do don’t trash that curio cabinet over there filled with my precious moments figurines.

[Courtney goes over to the curio cabinet]

Courtney Love: Oh, yeah? Not these, huh?

Donatella Versace: Not those. I’ve collected those for 16 years. They’re precious to me. Do not touch.

Courtney Love: So you saying you don’t want me to trash these, huh?

Donatella Versace: Correct. Do not trash those. You can trash anything else in the house your heart desires. Just not those.

Courtney Love: Not these, huh?

Donatella Versace: Nope. Not those.

Courtney Love: Ok. Cause I wanted to be sure.

Donatella Versace: Okey-dokey, smokey.

Courtney Love: Can I start trashing the place now?

Donatella Versace: Yeah, go for it.

[Courtney takes the figurines and starts throwing them, smashing them to pieces]

Courtney Love: Take that! YEAH! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

[Face to face]

Donatella Versace: YOU BITCH!

Courtney Love: NO! YOU ARE THE BITCH!

Donatella Versace: NO! YOU ARE THE BITCH!

Courtney Love: YOU ARE THE BITCHIEST BITCH OF THE EAST!

Donatella Versace: YOU ARE THE BITCH MASTER!

Courtney Love: If you owned an airline it would be called JET BITCH!

Donatella Versace: If you had cat food it would be called FANCY BITCH! Or perhaps Tender Bitches?

Courtney Love: If you owned a chain of cheap Mexican restaurants it would be TACO BITCH!

Donatella Versace: What do you cook your Japanese steaks on? A Hi-Bitchy!

[Elton comes between them]

Elton John: Girls, girls, girls. You’re both terrible dried-up bitches. It seems to me you’re forgetting the true meaning of Valentine’s day. Getting loaded and having bathroom sex with whoever walks in.

Donatella Versace: Oh, you magical, magical wiener smoker. You’re right. Hey, who wants to spin the bottle?

Courtney Love: I do.

[Courtney grabs a champagne bottle, swings it, Elton ducks and it smashes on Donatella’s head. It barely moves her]

Donatella Versace: That was fantastic.

Caption: HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY.

[cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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