SNL Transcripts: Drew Barrymore: 02/14/04: A Very Special Valentine’s Versace



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 12


03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

A Very Special Valentine’s Versace

Donatella Versace….Maya Rudolph
Elton John….Horatio Sanz
Courtney Love….Drew Barrymore
Madonna….Amy Poehler

Caption: A Very Special Valentine’s Versace.

[Opens with a mansion’s living room where the always worn and tired Donatella Versace is singing “The Love Boat” theme song into a microphone and smoking. Four beefed-up man servants shirtless and in tight shorts dance and vogue around her.]

Donatella Versace: [sings in a hoarse voice] Love exciting and new, come aboard we’re expecting you….the love boat.[stops singing, man servants stand aside] Hello peoples. I’m Donatella Versace and this is my Valentine’s Day Special. Tickling the ivories among other things, and by that I mean dude’s testicles, is Sir Elton John.

[Elton sits at his piano, white angel wings on the back of his white tuxedo.]

Elton John: Donatella, you mysterious creature. You sing as good as you look.

Donatella Versace: And you look like the Pillsbury Doughboy in a bad rug. I love you Elton. Now shut up and sing with me, you fruit cocktail.

Elton John: [plays piano, sings] Don’t go breaking my heart….

Donatella Versace: [sings, hoarse voice] I couldn’t if I tried….

Elton John: [sings] Oh, honey if I get restless….

Donatella Versace: [sings, hoarse voice]Baby, you’re not the kind….

Elton and Donatella: [sing]Whoo-hoo! Nobody knows it…[Donatella throws a champagne glass against the wall, it shatters and the music stops]

Donatella Versace: Thanks for that treat, Elton. That was great. Ok, my first guest used to be interesting but now she’s kind of a boring jerk. Please welcome, Madonna.

[Madonna enters with a very conservative suit on and a book on her hands]

Madonna: [fake British accent] Hello Donatella. Happy Valentine’s Day. I brought you something.

Donatella Versace: [excited]Oh, Madonna! Its a present for me? Give it to me, give it to me, faster, hand it over![takes the book] What the hell is this?

Madonna: Its my new children’s book. Its the story of one little girl’s discovery of the Kabbalah.

Donatella Versace: Kabbalah? That sounds Ka-boring. Madonna, let’s smoke and have some champagne.

Madonna: No, thank you, Donatella. I don’t pollute my body with those things. I like to be present and in control.

Donatella Versace: Oh, were you in control when you let Dennis Rodman bone you sideways? Now, do me a favor and GET OUT!!!![Madonna leaves] Oh, Madonna. I love her so much. Hey, Elton make up a Valentine’s Day song while I sink 50 cigarettes to calm myself down.[Donatella lights up a fat stack of ciggies]

Elton John: How about this Donatella? [sings]Oh Valentine you’ll never know…anything about my home….

Donatella Versace: Somebody please wake me from this nightmare.[Sound of car crashing]Uh-oh, I’d recognize that car crash anywhere. Ladies and gentlemen, Courtney Love.

Courtney Love: [from outside the room] Donatella! Let me in YOU BITCH![a drugged out Courtney flies through the glass door into the floor, gets up]I accidentally drove over 4 of your birdbaths on my way in.

Donatella Versace: Oh, thanks a million Courtney. I hate birds. Hey, look. I made you a dress.[gives Courtney a hanger with little strips of cloth on it]

Courtney Love: Oh, I love it.[throws hanger away, points to Elton]Hey, I know you! I slept with you!

[Elton laughs at the silly notion]

Elton John: Ha,ha,ha. No.

Donatella Versace: That’s Elton John, you dummy.

Courtney Love: Oh, sorry. I thought it was Rosie O’Donnell. This party sucks! I’m gonna trash the place.

Donatella Versace: Knock yourself out. This place is a rental anyway. Just whatever you do don’t trash that curio cabinet over there filled with my precious moments figurines.

[Courtney goes over to the curio cabinet]

Courtney Love: Oh, yeah? Not these, huh?

Donatella Versace: Not those. I’ve collected those for 16 years. They’re precious to me. Do not touch.

Courtney Love: So you saying you don’t want me to trash these, huh?

Donatella Versace: Correct. Do not trash those. You can trash anything else in the house your heart desires. Just not those.

Courtney Love: Not these, huh?

Donatella Versace: Nope. Not those.

Courtney Love: Ok. Cause I wanted to be sure.

Donatella Versace: Okey-dokey, smokey.

Courtney Love: Can I start trashing the place now?

Donatella Versace: Yeah, go for it.

[Courtney takes the figurines and starts throwing them, smashing them to pieces]

Courtney Love: Take that! YEAH! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

[Face to face]

Donatella Versace: YOU BITCH!

Courtney Love: NO! YOU ARE THE BITCH!

Donatella Versace: NO! YOU ARE THE BITCH!

Courtney Love: YOU ARE THE BITCHIEST BITCH OF THE EAST!

Donatella Versace: YOU ARE THE BITCH MASTER!

Courtney Love: If you owned an airline it would be called JET BITCH!

Donatella Versace: If you had cat food it would be called FANCY BITCH! Or perhaps Tender Bitches?

Courtney Love: If you owned a chain of cheap Mexican restaurants it would be TACO BITCH!

Donatella Versace: What do you cook your Japanese steaks on? A Hi-Bitchy!

[Elton comes between them]

Elton John: Girls, girls, girls. You’re both terrible dried-up bitches. It seems to me you’re forgetting the true meaning of Valentine’s day. Getting loaded and having bathroom sex with whoever walks in.

Donatella Versace: Oh, you magical, magical wiener smoker. You’re right. Hey, who wants to spin the bottle?

Courtney Love: I do.

[Courtney grabs a champagne bottle, swings it, Elton ducks and it smashes on Donatella’s head. It barely moves her]

Donatella Versace: That was fantastic.

Caption: HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY.

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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