Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 12
A Very Special Valentine’s Versace
Donatella Versace….Maya Rudolph
Elton John….Horatio Sanz
Courtney Love….Drew Barrymore
Caption: A Very Special Valentine’s Versace.
[Opens with a mansion’s living room where the always worn and tired Donatella Versace is singing “The Love Boat” theme song into a microphone and smoking. Four beefed-up man servants shirtless and in tight shorts dance and vogue around her.]
Donatella Versace: [sings in a hoarse voice] Love exciting and new, come aboard we’re expecting you….the love boat.[stops singing, man servants stand aside] Hello peoples. I’m Donatella Versace and this is my Valentine’s Day Special. Tickling the ivories among other things, and by that I mean dude’s testicles, is Sir Elton John.
[Elton sits at his piano, white angel wings on the back of his white tuxedo.]
Elton John: Donatella, you mysterious creature. You sing as good as you look.
Donatella Versace: And you look like the Pillsbury Doughboy in a bad rug. I love you Elton. Now shut up and sing with me, you fruit cocktail.
Elton John: [plays piano, sings] Don’t go breaking my heart….
Donatella Versace: [sings, hoarse voice] I couldn’t if I tried….
Elton John: [sings] Oh, honey if I get restless….
Donatella Versace: [sings, hoarse voice]Baby, you’re not the kind….
Elton and Donatella: [sing]Whoo-hoo! Nobody knows it…[Donatella throws a champagne glass against the wall, it shatters and the music stops]
Donatella Versace: Thanks for that treat, Elton. That was great. Ok, my first guest used to be interesting but now she’s kind of a boring jerk. Please welcome, Madonna.
[Madonna enters with a very conservative suit on and a book on her hands]
Madonna: [fake British accent] Hello Donatella. Happy Valentine’s Day. I brought you something.
Donatella Versace: [excited]Oh, Madonna! Its a present for me? Give it to me, give it to me, faster, hand it over![takes the book] What the hell is this?
Madonna: Its my new children’s book. Its the story of one little girl’s discovery of the Kabbalah.
Donatella Versace: Kabbalah? That sounds Ka-boring. Madonna, let’s smoke and have some champagne.
Madonna: No, thank you, Donatella. I don’t pollute my body with those things. I like to be present and in control.
Donatella Versace: Oh, were you in control when you let Dennis Rodman bone you sideways? Now, do me a favor and GET OUT!!!![Madonna leaves] Oh, Madonna. I love her so much. Hey, Elton make up a Valentine’s Day song while I sink 50 cigarettes to calm myself down.[Donatella lights up a fat stack of ciggies]
Elton John: How about this Donatella? [sings]Oh Valentine you’ll never know…anything about my home….
Donatella Versace: Somebody please wake me from this nightmare.[Sound of car crashing]Uh-oh, I’d recognize that car crash anywhere. Ladies and gentlemen, Courtney Love.
Courtney Love: [from outside the room] Donatella! Let me in YOU BITCH![a drugged out Courtney flies through the glass door into the floor, gets up]I accidentally drove over 4 of your birdbaths on my way in.
Donatella Versace: Oh, thanks a million Courtney. I hate birds. Hey, look. I made you a dress.[gives Courtney a hanger with little strips of cloth on it]
Courtney Love: Oh, I love it.[throws hanger away, points to Elton]Hey, I know you! I slept with you!
[Elton laughs at the silly notion]
Elton John: Ha,ha,ha. No.
Donatella Versace: That’s Elton John, you dummy.
Courtney Love: Oh, sorry. I thought it was Rosie O’Donnell. This party sucks! I’m gonna trash the place.
Donatella Versace: Knock yourself out. This place is a rental anyway. Just whatever you do don’t trash that curio cabinet over there filled with my precious moments figurines.
[Courtney goes over to the curio cabinet]
Courtney Love: Oh, yeah? Not these, huh?
Donatella Versace: Not those. I’ve collected those for 16 years. They’re precious to me. Do not touch.
Courtney Love: So you saying you don’t want me to trash these, huh?
Donatella Versace: Correct. Do not trash those. You can trash anything else in the house your heart desires. Just not those.
Courtney Love: Not these, huh?
Donatella Versace: Nope. Not those.
Courtney Love: Ok. Cause I wanted to be sure.
Donatella Versace: Okey-dokey, smokey.
Courtney Love: Can I start trashing the place now?
Donatella Versace: Yeah, go for it.
[Courtney takes the figurines and starts throwing them, smashing them to pieces]
Courtney Love: Take that! YEAH! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
[Face to face]
Donatella Versace: YOU BITCH!
Courtney Love: NO! YOU ARE THE BITCH!
Donatella Versace: NO! YOU ARE THE BITCH!
Courtney Love: YOU ARE THE BITCHIEST BITCH OF THE EAST!
Donatella Versace: YOU ARE THE BITCH MASTER!
Courtney Love: If you owned an airline it would be called JET BITCH!
Donatella Versace: If you had cat food it would be called FANCY BITCH! Or perhaps Tender Bitches?
Courtney Love: If you owned a chain of cheap Mexican restaurants it would be TACO BITCH!
Donatella Versace: What do you cook your Japanese steaks on? A Hi-Bitchy!
[Elton comes between them]
Elton John: Girls, girls, girls. You’re both terrible dried-up bitches. It seems to me you’re forgetting the true meaning of Valentine’s day. Getting loaded and having bathroom sex with whoever walks in.
Donatella Versace: Oh, you magical, magical wiener smoker. You’re right. Hey, who wants to spin the bottle?
Courtney Love: I do.
[Courtney grabs a champagne bottle, swings it, Elton ducks and it smashes on Donatella’s head. It barely moves her]
Donatella Versace: That was fantastic.
Caption: HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY.
[cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel