Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 13
February 21st, 2004
None HardballSummary: Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) rants against same-sex marriage.
Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Rosie O’Donnell, Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Note: The graphic for “Rosie O’Donnell” pops up when the camera cuts to Gary Bauer.
Christina Aguilera’s MonologueSummary: Jimmy Fallon presents a clip from Weekend Update, in which he makes fun of Christina Aguilera’s skank appeal. Meanwhile, Lorne Michaels and the male cast members want her to “whore up” her wholesome appearance. Aguilera ultimately sings her song “Beautiful.”
Also Appeared: 99p, 02o.
Sex And The CitySummary: The final episode reveals that Samantha (Christina Aguilera) is really a man.
Do You Know Who My Father Is?Summary: Contestants use their parental clout to win on the game show.
TV FunhouseSummary: In Rob Smigel’s “Fun With Real Audio”, Pat O’Brien can’t stop wondering “What was Britney thinking?!”
History Channel’s Celebration of WomenSummary: Phil Donahue (Darrell Hammond) profiles the first woman (Christina Aguilera) to stand up to her husband.
Recurring Characters: Phil Donahue.
Maroon 5 performs “This Love”Bio: Maroon 5’s vocalist/guitarist Adam Levine, keyboardist Jesse Carmichael, bassist Mickey Madden and drummer Ryan Dusick started the band as Kara’s Flowers while attending Brentwood High School together. They changed their name in 2001 after adding guitarist James Valentine to the lineup.
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: White guy Will Forte comments on Black History Month.
You Got Served!Summary: Venice beachgoers face a dance-off with their rivals.
Aguilera Concert BackstageSummary: Various celebrities vist Christina Aguilera backstage after her concert.
Recurring Characters: Star Jones, Sharon Osbourne, Ozzy Osbourne.
Besos Y LagrimasSummary: Contorted facial expressions dominate infidelity on a Spanish soap opera.
Note: The title translates as “Kisses and Hugs.”
Note: This sketch was cut from last season’s Salma Hayek episode.
Huggies ThongSummary: With less padding, Huggies Thongs are more fashionable but not as effective as conventional diapers.
Note: Repeat from 10/04/03.
You’re FiredSummary: The boss’s (Chris Parnell) sandwich is stolen after he fires Sandy, the belligerant slacker employee (Will Forte).
Maroon 5 performs “Harder To Breathe”
Don’s ApothecarySummary: Don (Horatio Sanz) embarrasses customers who are shopping for personal care items.
Recurring Characters: Don.