Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 13
Aguilera Concert Backstage
Star Jones…..Kenan Thompson
Patti LaBelle…..Maya Rudolph
Sharon Osbourne…..Amy Poehler
Ozzy Osbourne…..Horatio Sanz
Kelly Osbourne…..Rachel Dratch
[open on stock footage of Christina Aguilera concert with final lines of “Dirrty”]
[dissolve to Christina and her assistant in dressing room]
Assistant: Oh, I love you Christina honey, you’re really going for it! You okay?
Christina: [out of breath] Yeah, I’m fine, I’m just tired.
Assistant: Okay. Listen, a couple of celebrities want to say hi. Do you want to change first?
[assistant turns and his pink shirt can be seen to read, “I DID JUSTIN THREE TIMES”]
Christina: No, no, no, I’m good. I’m going to sit down and towel off. [sits with a towel]
Assistant: Okay, you just towel down, okay. Here is Star Jones.
[assistant opens door, Star and Al enter]
Star: Oh! How is my baby?!
Christina: How you doing?
[Christina and Star hug]
Star: Oh, my lord, have you met my fiance, Al?
Christina: I haven’t; congratulations!
[Al and Christina shake hands]
Al: Hey, thanks a lot. That was amazing.
Christina: Thanks, thanks a lot.
Star: Listen, you go for it, girlfriend. I don’t care what they say. With that voice, you can skank up the whole house if you want to!
Christina: [clears throat] Thank you.
Star: Yeah, you can sang, girl! That’s what matters. You gonna work that nasty stank box any way you want to. [Christina’s posture becomes less receptive] I mean, wave it, shave it, whatever. ‘Cause you got the voice of a angel.
Al: Straight up, an angel.
Christina: Thanks, but, ah, I really don’t see myself as a skank.
Assistant: [opening door] Christina, here’s Patti LaBelle.
Patti: Waaaaa-wooooo! What a night! Where’s my sweet, skanky ho?!
Christina: Hey, Patti, how you doing?
[Christina and Patti hug]
Patti: Oh, baby!
Star: Patti LaBelle! Have you met my fiance?
Patti: Hey, how you doing, Stedman? [Al shrugs nonplussedly] Waaaaa-wooooo! Little girl! Let me tell you, your pipes as good as mine!
Christina: Oh, my–G–th–Coming from you, Patti, that–
Patti: Oh, oh, oh! To hell with them critics, baby. If you want to spread that dripping honeypot, go ahead! ‘Cause y’all got something them other trick bitches don’t; you got a voice! Y’all can do the Washington Redskins up and down for all I care. Go ahead, girl!
Star: That is what I am saying. Christina, girl, you can get it backdoor from the Harlem Boys Choir if you want to. You can sing!
Christina: Um, thanks, but, honestly, you guys, I like to express my sexuality on stage, but because I’m a woman, people call me a…a “whore” for it.
Patti: Oh, oh, oh! Whatever, whatever! Work that nasty fuzzy cup, baby! [pelvic thrusts] See, Janet, dropping her booby, out like that [gestures with hand], but she don’t have your pipes, girl! Y’all can bang Rocky and Bullwinkle for all I care, ’cause you can back it up!
[Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne enter]
Sharon: Hello, everybody! Hello! Yay!
Sharon: Hello! Hello, Patti! [hugs her]
Sharon: And hello, Star! Congratulations, Stedman!
Al: It’s Alan.
Sharon: Oh, oh, oh, my God. There she is, our little songbird.
Christina: Hi, Sharon.
Christina: Thank you, thanks, thanks a lot.
Sharon: Christina, I’ve got to tell you, that was so gorgeous! Who cares if you grind your filthy bum [pumps her arms and gyrates] and shake your man-hungry poon trap? Your voice is like a velvet embrace!
Ozzy: [with unintelligible mumbling] I don’t care if I can smell your muff…voice is…shaft of pure light…live in it just like a f***ing…
Sharon: I agree, Ozzy! I agree! Kelly, Kelly, come in here. Come in here, Kelly. [Kelly Osbourne enters] Apologize to Christina.
Kelly: I’m sorry. You’re so much more than a worn out spunk barge.
Sharon: And? And?
Kelly: And, if I had your voice and body, I’d probably be secure enough to be a nob-gobbling road whore, too.
Sharon: Yay! Time for a hug, everybody, a hug!
Christina: Uh-uh, no. Okay, first of all, you guys don’t get it. You’re buying into the same double standard about men and women that I sing about on my records. Weren’t you listening to any of the lyrics I was singing about on stage: “The guys get all the glory the more they can score, while the girl can do the same and yet you call her a whore?” I’m just expressing myself and being open and comfortable in my female sexuality and being, you know, strong and secure in my artistic ability.
[Ozzy screams and falls onto a table, breaking it]
Christina: Oh, my God, what just happened?
Sharon: Oh, my God! You made Ozzy think! Somebody get some warm milk and some Vicoden.
Kelly: Dad, don’t die again!
Star: [to Al] Stedman, do something! [smacks him]
[Al kneels to try to help Ozzy]
[fade to black]
Submitted by: DavidK93