SNL Transcripts: Christina Aguilera: 02/21/04: Aguilera Concert Backstage


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 13

03m: Christina Aguilera / Maroon 5

Aguilera Concert Backstage

…..Christina Aguilera
Assistant…Fred Armisen
Star Jones…..Kenan Thompson
Al…..Finesse Mitchell
Patti LaBelle…..Maya Rudolph
Sharon Osbourne…..Amy Poehler
Ozzy Osbourne…..Horatio Sanz
Kelly Osbourne…..Rachel Dratch

[open on stock footage of Christina Aguilera concert with final lines of “Dirrty”] [dissolve to Christina and her assistant in dressing room]

Assistant: Oh, I love you Christina honey, you’re really going for it! You okay?

Christina: [out of breath] Yeah, I’m fine, I’m just tired.

Assistant: Okay. Listen, a couple of celebrities want to say hi. Do you want to change first?

[assistant turns and his pink shirt can be seen to read, “I DID JUSTIN THREE TIMES”]

Christina: No, no, no, I’m good. I’m going to sit down and towel off. [sits with a towel]

Assistant: Okay, you just towel down, okay. Here is Star Jones.

[assistant opens door, Star and Al enter]

Star: Oh! How is my baby?!

Christina: How you doing?

[Christina and Star hug]

Star: Oh, my lord, have you met my fiance, Al?

Christina: I haven’t; congratulations!

[Al and Christina shake hands]

Al: Hey, thanks a lot. That was amazing.

Christina: Thanks, thanks a lot.

Star: Listen, you go for it, girlfriend. I don’t care what they say. With that voice, you can skank up the whole house if you want to!

Christina: [clears throat] Thank you.

Star: Yeah, you can sang, girl! That’s what matters. You gonna work that nasty stank box any way you want to. [Christina’s posture becomes less receptive] I mean, wave it, shave it, whatever. ‘Cause you got the voice of a angel.

Al: Straight up, an angel.

Christina: Thanks, but, ah, I really don’t see myself as a skank.

Assistant: [opening door] Christina, here’s Patti LaBelle.

[Patti enters]

Patti: Waaaaa-wooooo! What a night! Where’s my sweet, skanky ho?!

Christina: Hey, Patti, how you doing?

[Christina and Patti hug]

Patti: Oh, baby!

Star: Patti LaBelle! Have you met my fiance?

Patti: Hey, how you doing, Stedman? [Al shrugs nonplussedly] Waaaaa-wooooo! Little girl! Let me tell you, your pipes as good as mine!

Christina: Oh, my–G–th–Coming from you, Patti, that–

Patti: Oh, oh, oh! To hell with them critics, baby. If you want to spread that dripping honeypot, go ahead! ‘Cause y’all got something them other trick bitches don’t; you got a voice! Y’all can do the Washington Redskins up and down for all I care. Go ahead, girl!

Star: That is what I am saying. Christina, girl, you can get it backdoor from the Harlem Boys Choir if you want to. You can sing!

Christina: Um, thanks, but, honestly, you guys, I like to express my sexuality on stage, but because I’m a woman, people call me a…a “whore” for it.

Patti: Oh, oh, oh! Whatever, whatever! Work that nasty fuzzy cup, baby! [pelvic thrusts] See, Janet, dropping her booby, out like that [gestures with hand], but she don’t have your pipes, girl! Y’all can bang Rocky and Bullwinkle for all I care, ’cause you can back it up!

[Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne enter]

Sharon: Hello, everybody! Hello! Yay!

Patti: Yeah!

Sharon: Hello! Hello, Patti! [hugs her]

Patti: Oh!

Sharon: And hello, Star! Congratulations, Stedman!

Al: It’s Alan.

Sharon: Oh, oh, oh, my God. There she is, our little songbird.

Christina: Hi, Sharon.

Ozzy: [unintelligible]

Christina: Thank you, thanks, thanks a lot.

Sharon: Christina, I’ve got to tell you, that was so gorgeous! Who cares if you grind your filthy bum [pumps her arms and gyrates] and shake your man-hungry poon trap? Your voice is like a velvet embrace!

Ozzy: [with unintelligible mumbling] I don’t care if I can smell your muff…voice is…shaft of pure light…live in it just like a f***ing…

Sharon: I agree, Ozzy! I agree! Kelly, Kelly, come in here. Come in here, Kelly. [Kelly Osbourne enters] Apologize to Christina.

Kelly: I’m sorry. You’re so much more than a worn out spunk barge.

Sharon: And? And?

Kelly: And, if I had your voice and body, I’d probably be secure enough to be a nob-gobbling road whore, too.

Sharon: Yay! Time for a hug, everybody, a hug!

Christina: Uh-uh, no. Okay, first of all, you guys don’t get it. You’re buying into the same double standard about men and women that I sing about on my records. Weren’t you listening to any of the lyrics I was singing about on stage: “The guys get all the glory the more they can score, while the girl can do the same and yet you call her a whore?” I’m just expressing myself and being open and comfortable in my female sexuality and being, you know, strong and secure in my artistic ability.

[Ozzy screams and falls onto a table, breaking it]

Christina: Oh, my God, what just happened?

Sharon: Oh, my God! You made Ozzy think! Somebody get some warm milk and some Vicoden.

Kelly: Dad, don’t die again!

Sharon: Ozzy!

Star: [to Al] Stedman, do something! [smacks him] [Al kneels to try to help Ozzy] [fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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