Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 13
Mr. Williams…..Chris Parnell
[ Linda enters Mr. Williams’ office ]
Linda: I was going to order lunch, sir.
Mr. Williams: Uh, goodie! Let’s see.. get me a turkey sandwich – rye toast. And, Linda, make sure it has lots of mustard on it. I don’t want to be able to taste the turkey.
Linda: Should I just get it without the turkey, sir?
Mr. Williams: No, no! Keep the turkey, I like its slippery texture. Just make sure there’s a buttload of mustard.
Linda: Yes, Mr. Williams. Would you like me to send in Sandy, now?
Mr. Williams: [ sighs ] Sure. Might as well get this over with. Toughest part of my job, Linda – firing people, that is.
Linda: Yes, sir.[ Linda exits, as belligerant employee Sandy enters ]
Mr. Williams: [ sighs again ] Go ahead and.. take a seat, Sandy.
Mr. Williams: Sandman! How long you been with us now?
Sandy: [ sneering ] I don’t know!
Mr. Williams: Ah, it’s probably been close to a month now.. is that about right?
Sandy: I guess so. It feels longer.
Mr. Williams: Well, Sandy, I really don’t see how that can be possible, seeing that you’re barely here.
Sandy: I get sick a lot!
Mr. Williams: Well.. a lot is a bit of an understatement, m’man. It says here, in the month you’ve been with us, you’ve called in sick 18 times. For reasons ranging from “hysterical blindness” to.. “The Elephant Man’s disease.” I don’t think you have the Elephant Man’s disease.
Sandy: Not any more! I pounded some Vitamin C, slept it off!
Mr. Williams: [ sighs ] Do you know what time the work day starts around here?
Mr. Williams: And.. when do you get in?
Sandy: Eleven, usually; sometimes two!
Mr. Williams: Doesn’t that strike you as odd?
Sandy: No way, Jose! I work from home!
Mr. Williams: No, you don’t.
Mr. Williams: [ sighs ] So, I’m gonna have to let you go..
Mr. Williams: You’re fired, Sandy.
Sandy: [ outraged ] What?!! no way, Jose!
Mr. Williams: I’m afraid so.
Sandy: Oh, fine! Fire me! I’ll call my uncle! The law-yer!
Mr. Williams: What for?
Sandy: To sue your butt right out of those fancy pants you’re wearing! This is RACISM!!
Mr. Williams: [ nearly speechless ] We’re noth WHITE!!
Sandy: I mean, this is SEXISM!!
Mr. Williams: This has nothing to do with SEX!!
Sandy: It has everything to do with SEX!! [ a beat ] I got what you want, and it drives you crazy, knowing you’ll never get it!
Mr. Williams: What are you TALKING about?!
Sandy: Don’t act like you don’t know. I’ve seen the way you look at my body – the knowing glances, the haunting stares.
Mr. Williams: [ confused and appalled ] WHAT?!
Sandy: I’ve felt your hot breath on the back of my neck while you look over me as I sleep at my desk!
Mr. Williams: That is a DAMN LIE!!
Sandy: OR IS IT THE DAMN TRUTH!!!
Mr. Williams: IT’S A LIE AND YOU KNOW IT!! NOW, SHUT UP!!
Sandy: NO WAY, JOSE!!
Mr. Williams: STOP USING MY FIRST NAME, IT’S DISRESPECTFUL!!![ Linda rushes into the room ]
Linda: Is everything okay in here?!
Sandy: Ah, not unless you consider sexual harrassment o-kay!
Mr. Williams: Linda, he’s lying!!
Sandy: Ohhh.. give me that sandwich! [ seizes Mr. Williams’ sandwich from Linda’s hand ] FREEDOM!!! [ throws himself at the huge office window, landing on the ground directly outside the window ]
Mr. Williams: You know we’re on the first floor?!!
Sandy: I know! But I got your sandwich! Ha ha!![ a passing jogger grabs the sandwich and keeps running ]
Sandy: Come back with my stolen sandwich!![ Mr. Williams laughs at the irony of the stolen sandwich ]
Linda: [ sits down in front of Mr. Williams’ desk ] Oh, my God! How horrible! I can’t believe he accused you of sexual harrassment!
Mr. Williams: There, there.. it’s okay, Linda. [ massages her shoulders ] There’s a lot of creeps out there. [ lowers his hands to touch her breasts ]
Linda: Hey!![ Mr. Williams’ raises his hands in surrender, as the scene fades ]