Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 13
03m: Christina Aguilera / Maroon 5
Sex And The City
Carrie…..Amy Poehler
Charlotte…..Maya Rudolph
Miranda…..Rachel Dratch
Samantha…..Christina Aguilera
Voiceover: And now the final episode of “Sex and the City.”
[Sex and the City theme]Carrie: [voiceover] The worst thing about going abroad was that I missed the other broads, and my brood of broads was broadly brooding, over me.
[The girls are in a bar sitting at a table]Miranda: [holding a baby] You guys, I miss Carrie.
Charlotte: I miss her face. I miss her cute puns.
Samantha: I miss telling her all the guys that I’m screwing.
Carrie: [coming] You guys! I’m back!
Charlotte: Carrie, what are you doing here? I thought you were in Paris.
Carrie: I came back early because I’ve made a very big decision. I’m gonna marry Big!
Charlotte, Samantha, Miranda: Ohh!!
Charlotte: You made a big, big decision.
Miranda: What about the Russian?
Carrie: Oh! The Russian and I broke up. I have Stalingraduated from that relationship. He was a red square. Ahahaha!
Charlotte: God, Carrie, I missed your hilarious puns so much! [to Samantha] Hey, do more!
Samantha: Your Kremlin turned out to be a Gremlin.
Carrie: Ahahaha. He said I wore too much Moskaula. He’s back in the USSR and I do know how lucky I R.
Charlotte: YAY! I’ve got an announcement too. Harry and I have decided to adopt a baby.
Carrie: Ohh!
Miranda: [holds up her baby] You want this one. I hate it!
Charlotte: OK.
Miranda: Here. [hands her baby over]
Charlotte: Look! I’m a mommy.
Carrie: That’s a pretty good trade. Who’s your storkbroker. Ahahaha!
Charlotte: Yay, puns! I love puns!
Samantha: Well, as long as we’re on the topic of big announcements, I have something to tell you all! I’m a dude!
Charlotte: Well, you certainly date like one.
Samantha: I’m not joking. I’m a dude! I’ve been hiding my candy from you for the last six years!
Carrie: Waaiit a minute! A-a-are you saying that you-you’re a –
Samantha: A tranny –
Miranda: Wait, you’re a –
Samantha: A drag queen, a shanghai surprise, a plum smuggler –
Charlotte: You are a –
Samantha: A private dick.
Miranda: Ok, ok we get it.
Samantha: A weenie in a bottle.
Carrie: Ah-ah, how could I not have known this?
Miranda: I thought you had breast cancer?
Samantha: Well, I did have a lump, but it turns out it was a third testicle. I’m fine.
Carrie: This whole time we thought you were dying, you were having a ball! Ahaha haha haha haha haha haha!
Charlotte: So, you really are a guy?
Samantha: My name is Sa-man-tha and I do live in the Meat packing district, hello!
Charlotte: Well, you’re still my friend and I love you.
Carrie: Here’s to all the Sex we’ve had in this City.
Samantha: Sweet lady New York, you are the fifth whore at this table.
[Carrie’s home]Carrie: [voiceover] Later that night I got to thinking about Samantha and what kind of puns I can make about her. Maybe something like “You got she-mail” or “Tranny get your gun” and then I wondered, did it matter? Samantha had lied about having a penis, but were we lying about having ha-penis. O-o! Computer Mail Pun-ction. O-o-o well, Bye, everybody, enjoy “The Sopranos.”
[end]Submitted by: John-Patrick Penano
