SNL Transcripts: Christina Aguilera: 02/21/04: Sex And The City

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 13

03m: Christina Aguilera / Maroon 5

Sex And The City

Carrie…..Amy Poehler
Charlotte…..Maya Rudolph
Miranda…..Rachel Dratch
Samantha…..Christina Aguilera

Voiceover: And now the final episode of “Sex and the City.”

[Sex and the City theme]

Carrie: [voiceover] The worst thing about going abroad was that I missed the other broads, and my brood of broads was broadly brooding, over me.

[The girls are in a bar sitting at a table]

Miranda: [holding a baby] You guys, I miss Carrie.

Charlotte: I miss her face. I miss her cute puns.

Samantha: I miss telling her all the guys that I’m screwing.

Carrie: [coming] You guys! I’m back!

Charlotte: Carrie, what are you doing here? I thought you were in Paris.

Carrie: I came back early because I’ve made a very big decision. I’m gonna marry Big!

Charlotte, Samantha, Miranda: Ohh!!

Charlotte: You made a big, big decision.

Miranda: What about the Russian?

Carrie: Oh! The Russian and I broke up. I have Stalingraduated from that relationship. He was a red square. Ahahaha!

Charlotte: God, Carrie, I missed your hilarious puns so much! [to Samantha] Hey, do more!

Samantha: Your Kremlin turned out to be a Gremlin.

Carrie: Ahahaha. He said I wore too much Moskaula. He’s back in the USSR and I do know how lucky I R.

Charlotte: YAY! I’ve got an announcement too. Harry and I have decided to adopt a baby.

Carrie: Ohh!

Miranda: [holds up her baby] You want this one. I hate it!

Charlotte: OK.

Miranda: Here. [hands her baby over]

Charlotte: Look! I’m a mommy.

Carrie: That’s a pretty good trade. Who’s your storkbroker. Ahahaha!

Charlotte: Yay, puns! I love puns!

Samantha: Well, as long as we’re on the topic of big announcements, I have something to tell you all! I’m a dude!

Charlotte: Well, you certainly date like one.

Samantha: I’m not joking. I’m a dude! I’ve been hiding my candy from you for the last six years!

Carrie: Waaiit a minute! A-a-are you saying that you-you’re a –

Samantha: A tranny –

Miranda: Wait, you’re a –

Samantha: A drag queen, a shanghai surprise, a plum smuggler –

Charlotte: You are a –

Samantha: A private dick.

Miranda: Ok, ok we get it.

Samantha: A weenie in a bottle.

Carrie: Ah-ah, how could I not have known this?

Miranda: I thought you had breast cancer?

Samantha: Well, I did have a lump, but it turns out it was a third testicle. I’m fine.

Carrie: This whole time we thought you were dying, you were having a ball! Ahaha haha haha haha haha haha!

Charlotte: So, you really are a guy?

Samantha: My name is Sa-man-tha and I do live in the Meat packing district, hello!

Charlotte: Well, you’re still my friend and I love you.

Carrie: Here’s to all the Sex we’ve had in this City.

Samantha: Sweet lady New York, you are the fifth whore at this table.

[Carrie’s home]

Carrie: [voiceover] Later that night I got to thinking about Samantha and what kind of puns I can make about her. Maybe something like “You got she-mail” or “Tranny get your gun” and then I wondered, did it matter? Samantha had lied about having a penis, but were we lying about having ha-penis. O-o! Computer Mail Pun-ction. O-o-o well, Bye, everybody, enjoy “The Sopranos.”


Submitted by: John-Patrick Penano

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