SNL Transcripts: Christina Aguilera: 02/21/04: Sex And The City

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 13




03m: Christina Aguilera / Maroon 5

Sex And The City

Carrie…..Amy Poehler
Charlotte…..Maya Rudolph
Miranda…..Rachel Dratch
Samantha…..Christina Aguilera

Voiceover: And now the final episode of “Sex and the City.”

[Sex and the City theme]

Carrie: [voiceover] The worst thing about going abroad was that I missed the other broads, and my brood of broads was broadly brooding, over me.

[The girls are in a bar sitting at a table]

Miranda: [holding a baby] You guys, I miss Carrie.

Charlotte: I miss her face. I miss her cute puns.

Samantha: I miss telling her all the guys that I’m screwing.

Carrie: [coming] You guys! I’m back!

Charlotte: Carrie, what are you doing here? I thought you were in Paris.

Carrie: I came back early because I’ve made a very big decision. I’m gonna marry Big!

Charlotte, Samantha, Miranda: Ohh!!

Charlotte: You made a big, big decision.

Miranda: What about the Russian?

Carrie: Oh! The Russian and I broke up. I have Stalingraduated from that relationship. He was a red square. Ahahaha!

Charlotte: God, Carrie, I missed your hilarious puns so much! [to Samantha] Hey, do more!

Samantha: Your Kremlin turned out to be a Gremlin.

Carrie: Ahahaha. He said I wore too much Moskaula. He’s back in the USSR and I do know how lucky I R.

Charlotte: YAY! I’ve got an announcement too. Harry and I have decided to adopt a baby.

Carrie: Ohh!

Miranda: [holds up her baby] You want this one. I hate it!

Charlotte: OK.

Miranda: Here. [hands her baby over]

Charlotte: Look! I’m a mommy.

Carrie: That’s a pretty good trade. Who’s your storkbroker. Ahahaha!

Charlotte: Yay, puns! I love puns!

Samantha: Well, as long as we’re on the topic of big announcements, I have something to tell you all! I’m a dude!

Charlotte: Well, you certainly date like one.

Samantha: I’m not joking. I’m a dude! I’ve been hiding my candy from you for the last six years!

Carrie: Waaiit a minute! A-a-are you saying that you-you’re a –

Samantha: A tranny –

Miranda: Wait, you’re a –

Samantha: A drag queen, a shanghai surprise, a plum smuggler –

Charlotte: You are a –

Samantha: A private dick.

Miranda: Ok, ok we get it.

Samantha: A weenie in a bottle.

Carrie: Ah-ah, how could I not have known this?

Miranda: I thought you had breast cancer?

Samantha: Well, I did have a lump, but it turns out it was a third testicle. I’m fine.

Carrie: This whole time we thought you were dying, you were having a ball! Ahaha haha haha haha haha haha!

Charlotte: So, you really are a guy?

Samantha: My name is Sa-man-tha and I do live in the Meat packing district, hello!

Charlotte: Well, you’re still my friend and I love you.

Carrie: Here’s to all the Sex we’ve had in this City.

Samantha: Sweet lady New York, you are the fifth whore at this table.

[Carrie’s home]

Carrie: [voiceover] Later that night I got to thinking about Samantha and what kind of puns I can make about her. Maybe something like “You got she-mail” or “Tranny get your gun” and then I wondered, did it matter? Samantha had lied about having a penis, but were we lying about having ha-penis. O-o! Computer Mail Pun-ction. O-o-o well, Bye, everybody, enjoy “The Sopranos.”

[end]

Submitted by: John-Patrick Penano

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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