SNL Transcripts: Colin Firth: 03/06/04

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 14

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

March 6th, 2004

Colin Firth

Norah Jones

Ana Gasteyer
NightlineSummary: Ted Koppel (Darrell Hammond) and his guests discuss Martha Stewart’s (Ana Gasteyer) prison sentencing.

Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Rosie O’Donnell, Martha Stewart.

Note: During rehearsal, Amy Poehler played the role of Martha Stewart. Ana Gasteyer made the guest appearance for the live show as a personal favor to Lorne Michaels, as she was in town starring in the Broadway play “Roulette.”



Colin Firth’s MonologueSummary: Cast members don fake Shakespearean accents in order to impress Colin Firth.

Bio: English actor Colin Firth’s (1960-) career took off after appearing in the 1995 BBC dramatisation of “Pride and Prejudice.”


Bad AccentsSummary: An English actor (Colin Firth) can’t seem to master a Southern accent for his movie scene.

¡Show Biz Grande Explosion!Summary: Ferecito (Fred Armisen) teaches Colin Firth how to tell a joke.

Recurring Characters: Ferecito, Manuel Pantalones.


TV FunhouseSummary: Classic cartoon characters are presented as they would appear if censored by the FCC.

Tim Calhoun On TrialSummary: Politician Tim Calhoun (Will forte) stands trial on drug charges.

Recurring Characters: Tim Calhoun.

Norah Jones performs “Sunrise”Also Appeared: 02g.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Maya Rudolph reports from the streets of New Hampshire, where middle-aged white women are rioting in the wake of Martha Stewart’s prison sentence. Director Peter Jackson (Horatio Sanz) awards a stick of gum to his star, Elijah Wood (Rachel Dratch).

Recurring Characters: Bill Clinton.


Hotel WilsonSummary: A horny bellhop (Kenan Thompson) misinterprets the signals given by an English businessman (Colin Firth).


Meet The PressSummary: Ass-kisser John Edwards (Will Forte) refuses to speak negatively of John Kerry.

Recurring Characters: Tim Russert, John Edwards.


The SopranosSummary: “The Sopranos” has been on hiatus for so long that even the characters can’t remember their storylines for the new season.


Norah Jones performs “What Am I To You?”

Jesus: Hollywood vs. HistorySummary: To counter Mel Gibson’s “Passion of the Christ”, actor Liam Neeson (Colin Firth) presents some never-before-seen footage of Benny Hill (Will Forte) as Jesus.

Recurring Characters: Liam Neeson.



Dress Rehearsal Cuts

BackstageSummary: Billy Bush (Jimmy Fallon) talks with Amy Poehler and Colin Firth backstage.

Jane EyreSummary: Classic literature comes to life as Jane Eyre (Rachel Dratch) watches helplessly as her employer, Mr. Rochester (Colin Firth), sneaks off to the attic for sex.

Note: This sketch sees the light next season on the episode hosted by Jude Law.

KaitlinSummary: Hyper Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) annoys a musician (Colin Firth) nursing a hangover while he waits for her mom (Rachel Dratch).

Recurring Characters: Kaitlin.

Note: Kaitlin would begin her run as a recurring character later in the season. Her mom is never seen on a live episode, though Horatio Sanz assumes the role of recurring boyfriend, Rick.

Gay MarriageSummary: A pair of lawyers (Chris Parnell, Will Forte) advertise the divorce rate of gay marriages.

Friendly DebateSummary: Two guys Fred Armisen, Seth Meyers) debate about voting, but agree on beating up a mime (Chris Parnell).

17th Annual Adult Movie AwardsSummary: Due to the sensitive nature of the broadcast, the awards show is cut short.

Note: This sketch is also cut from the dress rehearsal of the Ben Affleck episode, but would finally air in the episode hosted by Lindsay Lohan.

Discovery TimesSummary: Seth Meyers uncovers the History of Douchebags.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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