Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 14
March 6th, 2004
Ana Gasteyer NightlineSummary: Ted Koppel (Darrell Hammond) and his guests discuss Martha Stewart’s (Ana Gasteyer) prison sentencing.
Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Rosie O’Donnell, Martha Stewart.
Note: During rehearsal, Amy Poehler played the role of Martha Stewart. Ana Gasteyer made the guest appearance for the live show as a personal favor to Lorne Michaels, as she was in town starring in the Broadway play “Roulette.”
Colin Firth’s MonologueSummary: Cast members don fake Shakespearean accents in order to impress Colin Firth.
Bio: English actor Colin Firth’s (1960-) career took off after appearing in the 1995 BBC dramatisation of “Pride and Prejudice.”
Bad AccentsSummary: An English actor (Colin Firth) can’t seem to master a Southern accent for his movie scene.
¡Show Biz Grande Explosion!Summary: Ferecito (Fred Armisen) teaches Colin Firth how to tell a joke.
Recurring Characters: Ferecito, Manuel Pantalones.
TV FunhouseSummary: Classic cartoon characters are presented as they would appear if censored by the FCC.
Tim Calhoun On TrialSummary: Politician Tim Calhoun (Will forte) stands trial on drug charges.
Recurring Characters: Tim Calhoun.
Norah Jones performs “Sunrise”Also Appeared: 02g.
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Maya Rudolph reports from the streets of New Hampshire, where middle-aged white women are rioting in the wake of Martha Stewart’s prison sentence. Director Peter Jackson (Horatio Sanz) awards a stick of gum to his star, Elijah Wood (Rachel Dratch).
Recurring Characters: Bill Clinton.
Hotel WilsonSummary: A horny bellhop (Kenan Thompson) misinterprets the signals given by an English businessman (Colin Firth).
Meet The PressSummary: Ass-kisser John Edwards (Will Forte) refuses to speak negatively of John Kerry.
Recurring Characters: Tim Russert, John Edwards.
The SopranosSummary: “The Sopranos” has been on hiatus for so long that even the characters can’t remember their storylines for the new season.
Norah Jones performs “What Am I To You?”
Jesus: Hollywood vs. HistorySummary: To counter Mel Gibson’s “Passion of the Christ”, actor Liam Neeson (Colin Firth) presents some never-before-seen footage of Benny Hill (Will Forte) as Jesus.
Recurring Characters: Liam Neeson.
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
BackstageSummary: Billy Bush (Jimmy Fallon) talks with Amy Poehler and Colin Firth backstage.
Jane EyreSummary: Classic literature comes to life as Jane Eyre (Rachel Dratch) watches helplessly as her employer, Mr. Rochester (Colin Firth), sneaks off to the attic for sex.
Note: This sketch sees the light next season on the episode hosted by Jude Law.
KaitlinSummary: Hyper Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) annoys a musician (Colin Firth) nursing a hangover while he waits for her mom (Rachel Dratch).
Recurring Characters: Kaitlin.
Note: Kaitlin would begin her run as a recurring character later in the season. Her mom is never seen on a live episode, though Horatio Sanz assumes the role of recurring boyfriend, Rick.
Gay MarriageSummary: A pair of lawyers (Chris Parnell, Will Forte) advertise the divorce rate of gay marriages.
Friendly DebateSummary: Two guys Fred Armisen, Seth Meyers) debate about voting, but agree on beating up a mime (Chris Parnell).
17th Annual Adult Movie AwardsSummary: Due to the sensitive nature of the broadcast, the awards show is cut short.
Note: This sketch is also cut from the dress rehearsal of the Ben Affleck episode, but would finally air in the episode hosted by Lindsay Lohan.
Discovery TimesSummary: Seth Meyers uncovers the History of Douchebags.