SNL Transcripts: Colin Firth: 03/06/04

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 14


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


March 6th, 2004

Colin Firth

Norah Jones

Ana Gasteyer
NightlineSummary: Ted Koppel (Darrell Hammond) and his guests discuss Martha Stewart’s (Ana Gasteyer) prison sentencing.

Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Rosie O’Donnell, Martha Stewart.

Note: During rehearsal, Amy Poehler played the role of Martha Stewart. Ana Gasteyer made the guest appearance for the live show as a personal favor to Lorne Michaels, as she was in town starring in the Broadway play “Roulette.”

Transcript

Montage

Colin Firth’s MonologueSummary: Cast members don fake Shakespearean accents in order to impress Colin Firth.

Bio: English actor Colin Firth’s (1960-) career took off after appearing in the 1995 BBC dramatisation of “Pride and Prejudice.”

Transcript

Bad AccentsSummary: An English actor (Colin Firth) can’t seem to master a Southern accent for his movie scene.

¡Show Biz Grande Explosion!Summary: Ferecito (Fred Armisen) teaches Colin Firth how to tell a joke.

Recurring Characters: Ferecito, Manuel Pantalones.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: Classic cartoon characters are presented as they would appear if censored by the FCC.

Tim Calhoun On TrialSummary: Politician Tim Calhoun (Will forte) stands trial on drug charges.

Recurring Characters: Tim Calhoun.

Norah Jones performs “Sunrise”Also Appeared: 02g.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Maya Rudolph reports from the streets of New Hampshire, where middle-aged white women are rioting in the wake of Martha Stewart’s prison sentence. Director Peter Jackson (Horatio Sanz) awards a stick of gum to his star, Elijah Wood (Rachel Dratch).

Recurring Characters: Bill Clinton.

Transcript

Hotel WilsonSummary: A horny bellhop (Kenan Thompson) misinterprets the signals given by an English businessman (Colin Firth).

Transcript

Meet The PressSummary: Ass-kisser John Edwards (Will Forte) refuses to speak negatively of John Kerry.

Recurring Characters: Tim Russert, John Edwards.

Transcript

The SopranosSummary: “The Sopranos” has been on hiatus for so long that even the characters can’t remember their storylines for the new season.

Transcript

Norah Jones performs “What Am I To You?”

Jesus: Hollywood vs. HistorySummary: To counter Mel Gibson’s “Passion of the Christ”, actor Liam Neeson (Colin Firth) presents some never-before-seen footage of Benny Hill (Will Forte) as Jesus.

Recurring Characters: Liam Neeson.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

BackstageSummary: Billy Bush (Jimmy Fallon) talks with Amy Poehler and Colin Firth backstage.

Jane EyreSummary: Classic literature comes to life as Jane Eyre (Rachel Dratch) watches helplessly as her employer, Mr. Rochester (Colin Firth), sneaks off to the attic for sex.

Note: This sketch sees the light next season on the episode hosted by Jude Law.

KaitlinSummary: Hyper Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) annoys a musician (Colin Firth) nursing a hangover while he waits for her mom (Rachel Dratch).

Recurring Characters: Kaitlin.

Note: Kaitlin would begin her run as a recurring character later in the season. Her mom is never seen on a live episode, though Horatio Sanz assumes the role of recurring boyfriend, Rick.

Gay MarriageSummary: A pair of lawyers (Chris Parnell, Will Forte) advertise the divorce rate of gay marriages.

Friendly DebateSummary: Two guys Fred Armisen, Seth Meyers) debate about voting, but agree on beating up a mime (Chris Parnell).

17th Annual Adult Movie AwardsSummary: Due to the sensitive nature of the broadcast, the awards show is cut short.

Note: This sketch is also cut from the dress rehearsal of the Ben Affleck episode, but would finally air in the episode hosted by Lindsay Lohan.

Discovery TimesSummary: Seth Meyers uncovers the History of Douchebags.

SNL Transcripts

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