SNL Transcripts: Colin Firth: 03/06/04: Jesus: Hollywood vs. History



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 14


03n: Colin Firth / Norah Jones

Jesus: Hollywood vs. History

Liam Neeson…..Colin Firth
Benny Hill…..Will Forte

Announcer: You’re watching “Jesus: Hollywood vs. History”, with Liam Neeson, on The History Channel.

[ dissolve to Liam Neeson ]

Liam Neeson: Good evening. I’m Liam Neeson. “The Last Temptation of Christ.” “The Passion of the Christ.” “Jesus Christ Superstar.” Films that tell the story of the carpenter from Nazareth, AKA: Jesus. To varying degrees of historical accuracy. Perhaps, the most controversial film about the life of Christ, is probably one you’ve never heard of. Because it was never released. Shot in 1974, “J.C. Godson & Co.” was directed by – and starred – one Benjamin Alfred Hill. Better known.. as Benny Hill.

[ dissolve to photo of Will Forte disguised as Benny Hill, posed as his Fred Scuttle character, with hand to head in playful mock salute ]

Primarily known for his naughty slapstick routine, Hill hoped the film would prove to critics that he could act. Here now, a never-before-seen clip from Hill’s epic, “J.C. Godson & Co.”

[ dissolve to clip ]

[ holy hymnal music as we see Jesus crucified on the cross atop rock, with a pair of woman flanked in robes bowing before him ]

[ close-up of Jesus’ face – Benny Hill in glasses giving the characteristic woe-is-me face as he hangs on the cross ]

[ cut back to wide shot, as the robes fall off the women, revealing bawdy bikini tops ]

[ cue “Yakkity Sax” and sound effects of girls laughing, as Jesus – still tied to cross – hops off the rock and begins to chase the bikini-clad girls ]

[ Jesus chases the girl across a field of grass and rocks ]

[ camera jump as the girls rise from behind the rocks, and Jesus continues the chase offscreen ]

[ Jesus runs back into frame, now being chased offscreen by the girls ]

[ return to frame as Jesus – separated from cross – chases after the girls, one of whom is tied to the cross instead ]

[ chase sequence is encircled and dissolved, as the music drowns out and we dissolve back to Liam Neeson ]

Liam Neeson: Needless to say, the film was a disaster. Paramount called it “Unwatchable” and “Not good.” Beny Hill was emotionally crushed, dying just 18 years later. As for Jesus, though he died on the cross, he will always live forever on.. in film. For The History Channel, I’m Liam Neeson.

Announcer: Coming up next on The History Channel, “The History of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.”

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