Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 14
Colin Firth’s Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentleman — Colin Firth.
[ Wild applause. Colin Firth arrives center stage and bows, and then bows again due to the applause and shouting from the audience. ]
Colin Firth: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Im incredibly honored to be hosting SaturdayNight Live. Thank you. Its a show that requires talents that I have never inflicted on anyone, until tonight so Im more than willing to give it a go. So consider yourself fairly warned.
Now some of you may know me from “Bridget Joness Diary”, where I play the sensible and sturdy alternative to Hugh Grant. Or maybe you may know me from the movie “Love Actually”, where I play the sensible and study alternative to Hugh Grant. And for those of you who watch A&E, you might be familiar with “Pride and Prejudice”, where I play the part of Mr…
Amy Poehler: (rushes in, dressed and acting as Elizabeth Bennett, interrupting Colin) Mr. Darcy, you could not address me in any possible way that would induce me to accept you.
Colin Firth: OK, I think I know this one. This is (as Mr. Darcy) Such I was from eight, to eight and twenty, and such I might still have been but for you, dearest, loveliest Elizabeth.
Amy Poehler: (sighs) Wooh!
Colin Firth: Thats a scene from “Pride and Prejudice”.
Amy Poehler: Yes it is. Wow, Colin were all just pretty excited to have a classically trained actor like yourself on the show.
Colin Firth: Thank you.
Amy Poehler: And I wanted to show all the people out here that I, Amy Poehler, am classically trained as well.
Colin Firth: Well, good for you. (tries to get away from Amy) So on with the show…
(MAYA RUDOLPH descends from a cherrypicker decorated as a balcony and is dressed as Juliet.)
Maya Rudolph: (screaming out in a very non-Juliet manner) Oh Romeo, Romeo. Where for art thou, Romeo? Denythy father and refuse thy name.
Colin Firth: (laughing) Oh good, more. Hello Maya.
Maya Rudolph: (loud stage whisper, while thumbing through book) Colin, do your part. Your line is Ill take thee at thy word.
Colin Firth: (playing Romeo for her) Call me but love and Ill be new baptized.
Maya Rudolph: Ooooh, that was good!
Colin Firth: Look, all this is lovely, but the fact that I have a British accent doesnt necessarily exclude the possibility that…
Amy Poehler: But youre the first real actor weve had on the show in a really long time.
Maya Rudolph: Yeah, I tried to get Ian McKellan to do Shakespeare with me, but he would only talk to Jimmy and Kylie Minogue.
Colin Firth: (ironically) Im sure thats true. Uh, shouldnt we be moving on? Dont you have an omelet suit for me to wear or something?
(RACHEL DRATCH enters in period dress.)
Rachel Dratch: (interrupting and highly dramatic) Kiss me! Kiss me, you rogue, whilst I do wait withfurrowed brow and beating heart. Kiss me!
(RACHEL DRATCH surprises Colin by grabbing him unexpectedly and kissing him.)
Colin Firth: (laughing) Well, that was a treat. What was that from?
Rachel Dratch: (distractedly) What now?
Colin Firth: What play? What was that from?
Rachel Dratch: Play? Oh no. Ive just always had a fantasy about putting on one of these corset things and going to town on some English dude.
Colin Firth: (laughs) Well, theres plenty of them where I come from.
(SETH MEYERS enters, as Hugh Grant and interrupts.)
Seth Meyers: (stammering) Yes, Im sorry to interrupt, but, did someone say anything, about giving out sexual favors to Englishmen?
Colin Firth: Hello.
Seth Meyers: (stammering) Colin, it would be frightfully, dreadfully unfortunate for you to miss an opportunity to satisfy these lovely ladies.
Colin Firth: (trying to get on with the show) Well, theres nothing Id like more, but if I could justget to the end of the…
Seth Meyers: (interrupting and stammering) No, no, no. But, you see, its been my experience that if you do love scenes with these American women, our British accents serve as a guaranteed 100 proof panty remover. Oh, dear, whats this? Something here. (He pats one coat pocket and then pulls out a lacy pink panty) Oh yes, Sandra Bullock and, hello, goodness (pulls out another pair) and, yes, Julia Roberts. Lovely.
Colin Firth: Seth, please, that is completely inappropriate.
(AMY POEHLER comes in from behind looking angry and pulls them out of his hand.)
Amy Poehler: Come on, Seth! Those are mine!
Colin Firth: (acting as himself) Youre right. Sorry, its me Seth. Truth be told, I just wanted to come out here ’cause youve worked with Hugh Grant so much and I do this great Hugh Grant impression.
Colin Firth: (interested) Oh really? Lets see it?
Seth Meyers: (pauses with hands on hips, disappointed) That was it. When I came in.
Colin Firth: (looks mockingly mortified, then overcompensates) Oh, Im sorry. No, of course it was. No, it was marvelous. Really.
Seth Meyers: (slighted and a bit huffy) Hey, you know what, to all the people I said this to this week, I take it back. I dont have a heterosexual man-crush on Colin Firth any more.
Colin Firth: You do not? (places his hand on Seths shoulder and in a sexy voice) Dear Seth, it breaks my heart to think that you have lost affection for me when I hold you in such high esteem.
Seth Meyers: (melting) Oh, its totally back. I still like you. (exits)
Colin Firth: (smiling) Good. Lets begin! Weve got a great show for you. Norah Jones is here. So stick around, well be right back.
Transcript courtesy of: ColinFirth.com