SNL Transcripts: Colin Firth: 03/06/04: Colin Firth’s Monologue Widgets
 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 14

03n: Colin Firth / Norah Jones

Colin Firth’s Monologue

…..Colin Firth
…..Amy Poehler
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Rachel Dratch
…..Seth Meyers

Announcer: Ladies and gentleman — Colin Firth.

[ Wild applause. Colin Firth arrives center stage and bows, and then bows again due to the applause and shouting from the audience. ]

Colin Firth: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. I’m incredibly honored to be hosting SaturdayNight Live. Thank you. It’s a show that requires talents that I have never inflicted on anyone, until tonight so I’m more than willing to give it a go. So consider yourself fairly warned.

Now some of you may know me from “Bridget Jones’s Diary”, where I play the sensible and sturdy alternative to Hugh Grant. Or maybe you may know me from the movie “Love Actually”, where I play the sensible and study alternative to Hugh Grant. And for those of you who watch A&E, you might be familiar with “Pride and Prejudice”, where I play the part of Mr…

Amy Poehler: (rushes in, dressed and acting as Elizabeth Bennett, interrupting Colin) Mr. Darcy, you could not address me in any possible way that would induce me to accept you.

Colin Firth: OK, I think I know this one. This is (as Mr. Darcy) Such I was from eight, to eight and twenty, and such I might still have been but for you, dearest, loveliest Elizabeth.

Amy Poehler: (sighs) Wooh!

Colin Firth: That’s a scene from “Pride and Prejudice”.

Amy Poehler: Yes it is. Wow, Colin we’re all just pretty excited to have a classically trained actor like yourself on the show.

Colin Firth: Thank you.

Amy Poehler: And I wanted to show all the people out here that I, Amy Poehler, am classically trained as well.

Colin Firth: Well, good for you. (tries to get away from Amy) So on with the show…

(MAYA RUDOLPH descends from a cherrypicker decorated as a balcony and is dressed as Juliet.)

Maya Rudolph: (screaming out in a very non-Juliet manner) Oh Romeo, Romeo. Where for art thou, Romeo? Denythy father and refuse thy name.

Colin Firth: (laughing) Oh good, more. Hello Maya.

Maya Rudolph: (loud stage whisper, while thumbing through book) Colin, do your part. Your line is “I’ll take thee at thy word.”

Colin Firth: (playing Romeo for her) Call me but love and I’ll be new baptized.

Maya Rudolph: Ooooh, that was good!

Colin Firth: Look, all this is lovely, but the fact that I have a British accent doesn’t necessarily exclude the possibility that…

Amy Poehler: But you’re the first real actor we’ve had on the show in a really long time.

Maya Rudolph: Yeah, I tried to get Ian McKellan to do Shakespeare with me, but he would only talk to Jimmy and Kylie Minogue.

Colin Firth: (ironically) I’m sure that’s true. Uh, shouldn’t we be moving on? Don’t you have an omelet suit for me to wear or something?

(RACHEL DRATCH enters in period dress.)

Rachel Dratch: (interrupting and highly dramatic) Kiss me! Kiss me, you rogue, whilst I do wait withfurrowed brow and beating heart. Kiss me!

(RACHEL DRATCH surprises Colin by grabbing him unexpectedly and kissing him.)

Colin Firth: (laughing) Well, that was a treat. What was that from?

Rachel Dratch: (distractedly) What now?

Colin Firth: What play? What was that from?

Rachel Dratch: Play? Oh no. I’ve just always had a fantasy about putting on one of these corset things and going to town on some English dude.

Colin Firth: (laughs) Well, there’s plenty of them where I come from.

(SETH MEYERS enters, as Hugh Grant and interrupts.)

Seth Meyers: (stammering) Yes, I’m sorry to interrupt, but, did someone say anything, about giving out sexual favors to Englishmen?

Colin Firth: Hello.

Seth Meyers: (stammering) Colin, it would be frightfully, dreadfully unfortunate for you to miss an opportunity to satisfy these lovely ladies.

Colin Firth: (trying to get on with the show) Well, there’s nothing I’d like more, but if I could justget to the end of the…

Seth Meyers: (interrupting and stammering) No, no, no. But, you see, it’s been my experience that if you do love scenes with these American women, our British accents serve as a guaranteed 100 proof panty remover. Oh, dear, what’s this? Something here. (He pats one coat pocket and then pulls out a lacy pink panty) Oh yes, Sandra Bullock and, hello, goodness (pulls out another pair) and, yes, Julia Roberts. Lovely.

Colin Firth: Seth, please, that is completely inappropriate.

(AMY POEHLER comes in from behind looking angry and pulls them out of his hand.)

Amy Poehler: Come on, Seth! Those are mine!

Colin Firth: (acting as himself) You’re right. Sorry, it’s me Seth. Truth be told, I just wanted to come out here ’cause you’ve worked with Hugh Grant so much and I do this great Hugh Grant impression.

Colin Firth: (interested) Oh really? Let’s see it?

Seth Meyers: (pauses with hands on hips, disappointed) That was it. When I came in.

Colin Firth: (looks mockingly mortified, then overcompensates) Oh, I’m sorry. No, of course it was. No, it was marvelous. Really.

Seth Meyers: (slighted and a bit huffy) Hey, you know what, to all the people I said this to this week, I take it back. I don’t have a heterosexual man-crush on Colin Firth any more.

Colin Firth: You do not? (places his hand on Seth’s shoulder and in a sexy voice) Dear Seth, it breaks my heart to think that you have lost affection for me when I hold you in such high esteem.

Seth Meyers: (melting) Oh, it’s totally back. I still like you. (exits)

Colin Firth: (smiling) Good. Let’s begin! We’ve got a great show for you. Norah Jones is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

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