SNL Transcripts: Colin Firth: 03/06/04: Colin Firth’s Monologue

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 14

03n: Colin Firth / Norah Jones

Colin Firth’s Monologue

…..Colin Firth
…..Amy Poehler
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Rachel Dratch
…..Seth Meyers

Announcer: Ladies and gentleman — Colin Firth.

[ Wild applause. Colin Firth arrives center stage and bows, and then bows again due to the applause and shouting from the audience. ]

Colin Firth: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. I’m incredibly honored to be hosting SaturdayNight Live. Thank you. It’s a show that requires talents that I have never inflicted on anyone, until tonight so I’m more than willing to give it a go. So consider yourself fairly warned.

Now some of you may know me from “Bridget Jones’s Diary”, where I play the sensible and sturdy alternative to Hugh Grant. Or maybe you may know me from the movie “Love Actually”, where I play the sensible and study alternative to Hugh Grant. And for those of you who watch A&E, you might be familiar with “Pride and Prejudice”, where I play the part of Mr…

Amy Poehler: (rushes in, dressed and acting as Elizabeth Bennett, interrupting Colin) Mr. Darcy, you could not address me in any possible way that would induce me to accept you.

Colin Firth: OK, I think I know this one. This is (as Mr. Darcy) Such I was from eight, to eight and twenty, and such I might still have been but for you, dearest, loveliest Elizabeth.

Amy Poehler: (sighs) Wooh!

Colin Firth: That’s a scene from “Pride and Prejudice”.

Amy Poehler: Yes it is. Wow, Colin we’re all just pretty excited to have a classically trained actor like yourself on the show.

Colin Firth: Thank you.

Amy Poehler: And I wanted to show all the people out here that I, Amy Poehler, am classically trained as well.

Colin Firth: Well, good for you. (tries to get away from Amy) So on with the show…

(MAYA RUDOLPH descends from a cherrypicker decorated as a balcony and is dressed as Juliet.)

Maya Rudolph: (screaming out in a very non-Juliet manner) Oh Romeo, Romeo. Where for art thou, Romeo? Denythy father and refuse thy name.

Colin Firth: (laughing) Oh good, more. Hello Maya.

Maya Rudolph: (loud stage whisper, while thumbing through book) Colin, do your part. Your line is “I’ll take thee at thy word.”

Colin Firth: (playing Romeo for her) Call me but love and I’ll be new baptized.

Maya Rudolph: Ooooh, that was good!

Colin Firth: Look, all this is lovely, but the fact that I have a British accent doesn’t necessarily exclude the possibility that…

Amy Poehler: But you’re the first real actor we’ve had on the show in a really long time.

Maya Rudolph: Yeah, I tried to get Ian McKellan to do Shakespeare with me, but he would only talk to Jimmy and Kylie Minogue.

Colin Firth: (ironically) I’m sure that’s true. Uh, shouldn’t we be moving on? Don’t you have an omelet suit for me to wear or something?

(RACHEL DRATCH enters in period dress.)

Rachel Dratch: (interrupting and highly dramatic) Kiss me! Kiss me, you rogue, whilst I do wait withfurrowed brow and beating heart. Kiss me!

(RACHEL DRATCH surprises Colin by grabbing him unexpectedly and kissing him.)

Colin Firth: (laughing) Well, that was a treat. What was that from?

Rachel Dratch: (distractedly) What now?

Colin Firth: What play? What was that from?

Rachel Dratch: Play? Oh no. I’ve just always had a fantasy about putting on one of these corset things and going to town on some English dude.

Colin Firth: (laughs) Well, there’s plenty of them where I come from.

(SETH MEYERS enters, as Hugh Grant and interrupts.)

Seth Meyers: (stammering) Yes, I’m sorry to interrupt, but, did someone say anything, about giving out sexual favors to Englishmen?

Colin Firth: Hello.

Seth Meyers: (stammering) Colin, it would be frightfully, dreadfully unfortunate for you to miss an opportunity to satisfy these lovely ladies.

Colin Firth: (trying to get on with the show) Well, there’s nothing I’d like more, but if I could justget to the end of the…

Seth Meyers: (interrupting and stammering) No, no, no. But, you see, it’s been my experience that if you do love scenes with these American women, our British accents serve as a guaranteed 100 proof panty remover. Oh, dear, what’s this? Something here. (He pats one coat pocket and then pulls out a lacy pink panty) Oh yes, Sandra Bullock and, hello, goodness (pulls out another pair) and, yes, Julia Roberts. Lovely.

Colin Firth: Seth, please, that is completely inappropriate.

(AMY POEHLER comes in from behind looking angry and pulls them out of his hand.)

Amy Poehler: Come on, Seth! Those are mine!

Colin Firth: (acting as himself) You’re right. Sorry, it’s me Seth. Truth be told, I just wanted to come out here ’cause you’ve worked with Hugh Grant so much and I do this great Hugh Grant impression.

Colin Firth: (interested) Oh really? Let’s see it?

Seth Meyers: (pauses with hands on hips, disappointed) That was it. When I came in.

Colin Firth: (looks mockingly mortified, then overcompensates) Oh, I’m sorry. No, of course it was. No, it was marvelous. Really.

Seth Meyers: (slighted and a bit huffy) Hey, you know what, to all the people I said this to this week, I take it back. I don’t have a heterosexual man-crush on Colin Firth any more.

Colin Firth: You do not? (places his hand on Seth’s shoulder and in a sexy voice) Dear Seth, it breaks my heart to think that you have lost affection for me when I hold you in such high esteem.

Seth Meyers: (melting) Oh, it’s totally back. I still like you. (exits)

Colin Firth: (smiling) Good. Let’s begin! We’ve got a great show for you. Norah Jones is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

Transcript courtesy of:

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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