Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 14
Ted Koppel…..Darrell Hammond
Chappell Hartridge…..Kenan Thompson
Kevin Henson…..Will Forte
Rosie O’Donnell…..Horatio Sanz
Martha Stewart…..Ana Gasteyer
[ open on Nightline animated graphics ]
Announcer: This is ABC News: Nightline. Reporting from Washington – Ted Koppel.[ dissolve to Ted Koppel in the Nightline studio ]
Ted Koppel: Good evening. For years, she has told us the right way to fold napkins, and she’s told us how to prune our perennials. But, now, a New York City jury has told her she’ll be going to jail. Of course, I’m referring to Martha Stewart, guilty on four counts yesterday. Joining me tonight from New York City, Stewart case juror Chappell Hartridge.
Chappell Hartridge: Hey, Ted! How you feel?
Ted Koppel: I feel good. Mr. Hartridge, this deliberation, which should have dragged on for weeks, took only two days. How did you reach your decision?
Chappell Hartridge: Well.. with the quality and the quantity of the information we had before us, we were able to quickly able to arrive at the conclusion.. that we wanted to be out of there by the weekend.
Ted Koppel: Do you understand the ramifications of your actions? You’re subjecting a 62-year-old woman to a possible 20-year prison sentence.
Chappell Hartridge: Ah, I mean we did what we thought was best – for whitey.
Ted Koppel: Mr. Hartridge, prison is a dangerous place. I mean, have you ever rented that movie “Cool Hand Luke”?
Chappell Hartridge: Uhh.. no, I have not.
Ted Koppel: Well, it’s rough stuff. In your opinion, could Martha Stewart eat fifty hard-boiled eggs, and survive a night in the box?
Chappell Hartridge: [ without much thought ] I think she could.
Ted Koppel: [ nods ] I think you’re right. Also joining us tonight, is a junior analyst with Merrill-Lynch, the brokerage that represented Ms. Stewart – Kevin Henson Mr. Henson, you’re a young broker – was it a fair verdict?
Kevin Henson: Ted, I think this decision sends a clear and, ultimately, good message to all of us on Wall Street. And that is, uh, simply: Martha Stewart got what she deserved, because she’s a huuuge bitch!
Ted Koppel: [ stunned ] I’m sorry?
Kevin Henson: That’s right. Martha Stewart is a big, giant bitch! And now she’s gonna be a jail bitch! Yep!
Ted Koppel: Okay, Mr. Henson —
Kevin Henson: Wait, wait! Let me finish, Ted!
Ted Koppel: Alright..
Kevin Henson: Okay, I hope this leads to a giant bitch hunt! And we go after Hillary. Yeah! Hillary Clinton is a bitch! A massive bitch! She needs to go to jail! Yeah. And, who else, uh.. Yoko! Yoko is a bitch for breaking up one of the most awesome rock bands of all time. Jane Fonda? Bitch! Dr. Laura? big radio bitch! Oprah? Bitch from way back, I always thought she was a bitch! Susan Luderman? The biggest bitch of all time!
Ted Koppel: Who’s Susan Luderman..? I’m afriad I don’t know any Susan Luderman..
Kevin Henson: She’s my boss, Ted. She is a monster bitch! I hate her!
Ted Koppel: Oh. Is it possible, sir, you may have a problem with powerful women?
Kevin Henson: Don’t be a bitch, Ted!
Ted Koppel: Also joining me, from her home in upstate New York – comedienne/political activist Rosie O’Donnell.
Rosie O’Donnell: I’m very angry, Ted!
Ted Koppel: Ms. ODonnell.. Ms. O’Donnell, where were you when you heard the verdict?
Rosie O’Donnell: I was in New Mexico officiating a lesbian bris. When Parker came to me and said, “Mommies! Mommies! The cooie lady’s going to jail!” I got right on a plane!
Ted Koppel: And, Rosie, do you think that Martha Stewart has been the victim of a witch hunt, so to speak?
Rosie O’Donnell: Absolutely, Ted! But I’m doing everything I can to rally support for her. I’m writing a Broadway musical called “Marthaaaaa!” And I’m going to shoot these koosh balls at people.. who don’t agree with me! [ fires off a couple of koosh balls ] And, also.. Im starting a cruise line exclusively for persecuted female billionaires and their same-sex spouses.
Ted Koppel: What does that even mean?
Rosie O’Donnell: It means I bought a boat! And.. I’m also gonna buy a house of pies! For Martha!
Kevin Henson: Ted, uh.. I would like to point out that Ms. O’Donnell is a lezzy and a bitch!
Rosie O’Donnell: [ incensed ] Up yours, pallie! I spend more money on jean jackets in one year than you make in your life![ Kevin Henson gives Rosie O’Donnell a “So what kind of accomplishment is that?” shrug ]
Ted Koppel: clearly, this is a divisive issue. Joining us now, in an exclusive interview, the woman at the epicenter of this earthquake – newly-convicted felon Martha Stewart.
Martha Stewart: It’s good to be here, Ted.
Ted Koppel: Martha, what is going through your mind.. at a time like this?
Martha Stewart: Modeled, gray cinder block walls.. rough-hewn tangerine jumpsuits.. a timeworn mid-century commmode, to be shared in plain view of others. Im Martha Stewart. And Im on a boatload of anti-anxiety medication right now. Its a good thing.
Ted Koppel: Martha, have the ramifications of this case hit home yet? You’re probably going to be spending at least 18 months in jail.
Martha Stewart: Ted, I sincerely doubt I’ll do any real time. Also, if I’m in jail, who’s going to teach American women how to store their decorative holiday acorns?
Ted Koppel: Who, indeed, Miss Stewart? you’re headed up the river. The big house. The stony lonesome.Have you made a shiv? Will you join the Aryan brotherhood? Have you ever heard of a Blanket Party?
Martha Stewart: Is that anything like a cookie swap?
Ted Koppel: No. A Blanket Party is a prison term for throwing a blanket over a squealers head so he cant identify you when you beat him with a pipe.
Martha Stewart: Oh. That. Ive been doing that for years. I didnt know there was a name for it!
Ted Koppel: Martha.. are you scared?
Martha Stewart: Frankly, Ted.. from the way it’s been described to me, prison life won’t be much different from what I’m used to. I’ll be awakened at 5:20 a.m., lift weights in the yard, work in the kitchen for several hours, make someone my bitch, then sit quietly in a dark room until morning.
Ted Koppel: Final thoughts? Any remorse?
Martha Stewart: Well, generally, Ted.. I think remorse is for wussie-pusses. But, yes.. if I had to do it all over again, if I were back on that plane and I got that message to sell N-Clone.. I think I would definitely pick up the phone, and say, “Live! From New York! It’s Saturday Night!“