Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 14
¡Show Biz Grande Explosion!
Mañuel Pantalones…..Horatio Sanz
(Loud mariachi music, followed by two title images: Univision en English and ¡Showbiz Grande Explosion!)
(INT. – TALK SHOW SET OF ¡SHOWBIZ GRANDE EXPLOSION!)
(Camera on MAÑUEL (played by Horatio Sanz), mariachi sidekick to the talk show host.)
Mañuel Pantalones: Chicas and Cucarachas! Welcome to ¡Showbiz Grande Explosion! Heres your host, straight from the looney bin, Ferecito!
(Audience applauds loudly, while the host FERECITO (played by Fred Armisen) enters accompanied by the shows theme music set to a salsa beat and begins to play the drums.)
Ferecito: Did you feel it? (wants a better response) I said, did you feel it? (audience responds loudly) Man, weve got a great show for you today! Im gonna start right now with my monologue. OK, here goes.
Did you hear about this guy Kobe Bryant? Boy, hes in a lot of trouble. I hear hes been traded to the TorontoRape-tors! (hits a rimshot and rests his head in his hands in an exaggerated manner) ¡Ay Dios Mio!
Hey Kobe! Its called, keep your plantain in your pants!
(Cut to MAÑUEL laughing.)
Mañuel Pantalones: Google, thats right!
Ferecito: Hey Mañuel, let me ask you a question. Do you know what it means when I say Google?
Mañuel Pantalones: Computer?
Ferecito: Computers, huh? Mañuel just got his GED. It stands for: Gee, hes a dummy! (Hits a rimshot and rests his head in his hands in an exaggerated manner) ¡Ay Dios Mio!
(MAÑUEL is not amused; his lip quivers.)
Ferecito: Mañuel…Im jus keeding!
(MAÑUEL responds in laughter.)
Ferecito: Give it up to Mañuel Pantalones and his Mariachis!
(Wild audience response as Mañuel and his band play music.)
Ferecito: (goes to sit at his desk) OK, so how you doing, Mañuel?
Mañuel Pantalones: Oh, Im alright, you know. I wish I had more money.
Ferecito: Oh, listen, Mañuel is so poor, even his email address is in a bad neighborhood! (Hits a rimshot and rests his head in his hands in an exaggerated manner) ¡Ay Dios Mio!
(MAÑUEL is shown laughing.)
Ferecito: Gracias! Gracias! Thank you very much. Now its time for my favorite comedy routine called Los Headlines!
(MAÑUEL sings Los Headlines! in manner of Paul Shaffer’s intros on Late Night with David Letterman.)
Ferecito: (points to an enlarged newspaper clipping on a board a la Jay Leno on the Tonight Show) Check this out. This is from a real newspaper from Montana. It says, Seven Killed in Bus Crash. Thats terrible. Butzoom in closer. Look, where it happened. Butte, Montana. Butte, Montana! Thats the name of the city. Can youbelieve? You cant write this stuff. Butte! It says Butte! You know, I would move there, but I bet it stinks.(Hits a rimshot and rests his head in his hands in an exaggerated manner) ¡Ay Dios Mio! That was Los Headlines!
(MAÑUEL sings Los Headlines! to close out segment.)
Ferecito: OK, good job, Mañuel! Thats great. My first guest is Colin Firth. Get it Firth. First guest?
Mañuel Pantalones: Good thing he wasnt your thecond guest!
Ferecito: Mañuel! You on fuego tonight!
(MAÑUEL, points to FERECITO smiling broadly.)
Ferecito: Lets bring out my first guest. From the movie Girl With a Pearl Earring, put your hands together for Colin Firth!
(Wild applause as Colin enters and shakes FERECITOS hand. He sits down in a chair next to the hosts desk.)
Ferecito: How are you doing? Alright? Sit down. So, Colin Firth, you are from England?
Colin Firth: I am. I am indeed.
Ferecito: And, as a fellow foreigner trying to make it here in this crazy country, let me ask you, Can you believe how many men circumcise their penises over here?
Colin Firth: I hadnt noticed.
Ferecito: I mean, the locker room of my gymnasium looks like a mushroom farm! (Hits a rimshot and rests his head in his hands in an exaggerated manner) ¡Ay Dios Mio!
Colin Firth: (smiling) Thats very funny. Sounds like your gym…it sounds like its full of fun guys. (laughs to himself) Get it, mushrooms, fungi?
(MAÑUEL and FERECITO shake their heads, not amused.)
Mañuel Pantalones: I dont get it.
Ferecito: Yeah, thats OK, Mañuel. (back to Colin) So, it says here you do a lot of traveling.
Colin Firth: Yeah, actually I just flew in from London on the Red Eye. The flight was so long that they should have called it the Red Back-SIDE! (smiles broadly, waiting for their response)
Mañuel Pantalones: (still not impressed) Oh, boy.
Ferecito: Oh, Colin, I think you need a little bit of help with your comedy delivery.
Colin Firth: What do you mean?
Ferecito: Your jokes just lay there. You need some excitement. Do as Ferecito would, like this. Pretend you have two imaginary guns, like this…(makes two guns out of his hands) and you shoot them off like this at the end of your joke. (He demonstrates, shooting his finger guns in the air.) Pow! Pow! (egging COLIN on) OK, lets try it. You flew in from London…
Colin Firth: I flew in from London, but the flight was so long, they should have been called the Red Back-SIDE.
Ferecito: Now shoot off your guns like this. (He shoots in the air) Pow! Pow!
Colin Firth: (pointing toward the audience) Pow? Pow?
Ferecito: No, no. What are you doing? Not at the audience! Thats dangerous, man. Up here. (Points his finger guns in the air.) Is more playful like this.
(COLIN follows suit, pointing his finger guns into the air.)
Ferecito: OK, then stick out your tongue like this.
(FERECITO cocks his head to the side, bulges his eyes out and sticks his tongue out, looking totally ridiculous. COLIN copies him exactly, making a very silly face.)
Ferecito: How does that feel?
Colin Firth: Better.
Ferecito: See, Colin Firth, its more professional. Besides any gimmick like that can really help shine up one of those turd burgers you call a joke.
Colin Firth: What?
Ferecito: Im jus keeding!!
(Music starts to play. FERECITO perks up.)
Ferecito: Oh, listen! That means its time to sing. (to COLIN) Do you want to sing with me?
Colin Firth: Sure.
(Both COLIN and FERECITO get up in front of the hosts desk. FERECITO starts swaying side to side with the music. COLIN watches and starts to follow his movements.)
Ferecito: (singing) I say potato, and you say…
Colin Firth: (still swaying) I dont know this song.
Ferecito: (still singing) I say tomato, and you say…
Colin Firth: No, Im serious.
Ferecito: (singing) Tomato…
Colin Firth: Im sorry.
Colin Firth: I never heard of it.
(The music stops.)
Colin Firth: (does the silly face) Im jus keeding!!!
Ferecito: Oh, thats great! (continues singing) Lets call the whole thing…
Colin Firth: (singing) Lets call the whole thing . . .
Ferecito & Colin Firth: (finishing with a flourish) Lets call the whole thing off!
Ferecito: All right! Well see you later!
(COLIN and FERECITO continue to sway as music plays them off.)
Transcript courtesy of: ColinFirth.com