SNL Transcripts: Colin Firth: 03/06/04: The Sopranos


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 14

03n: Colin Firth / Norah Jones

The Sopranos

Tony Soprano…..Darrell Hammond
Carmella…..Amy Poehler
Furio…..Seth Meyers
Ralphie…..Will Forte
Janice…..Horation Sanz
Steven Van Zandt…..Jimmy Fallon
Clarence clemmons…..Kenan Thompson
Paulie…..Colin Firth

[ MUSIC. THE SOPRANOS THEME. Camera pulls back to reveal show title. ]

Voiceover: The wait is over. This Sunday night, the most anticipated event in the history of time. A TV program that puts nature’s greatest wonders to shame. The season premiere of ‘The Sopranos.’ It’s been almost 15 months since the last episode. Are you ready?

[ EXT. SUBURBAN NEW JERSEY HOME – DAY ] [ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ] [ TONY dressed in an undershirt and open bathrobe, enters the kitchen, where CARMELLA is fixing breakfast.

Tony Soprano: Carm, got any of that leftover pasta fagioli?

Carmella: Get it yourself, Tony. I’m not your maid.

Tony Soprano: Whoa, with the hostility! What I’d do?

Carmella: (angrily) You know damn well what you did.

Tony Soprano: (loudly) Well, tell me already!

Carmella: (yelling) All right, I will. I’ll tell you exactly what you did!

Tony Soprano: What?

Carmella: (looking confused) You, ah, oh God, it’s been so long I can’t even really remember, you know. Do you remember, Tone?

Tony Soprano: Nah, I can’t, maybe…I can’t.


Voiceover: “The Sopranos.” For the first time since December 2002.


Tony Soprano: I know I moved into the garage, but wasn’t there a beach house? Something like that?

[ FURIO enters. ]

Furio: Hey, ah, Tony. I’m here to pick ya up.

Tony Soprano: Furio, do you remember ever driving me to a beach house?

Furio: Ah, I don’t think so.

Carmella: Furio, aren’t you supposed to be in Italy?

Furio: Oh. Snap.

[ Furio quickly exits. ] [ MUSIC. THE SOPRANOS THEME. SHOW TITLE. ]

Voiceover: All your favorite characters are back. Tony, Dr. Melfi, the guy who married the fat lady, and the fat lady.

[ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ] [ RALPHIE and JANICE are standing on the other side of the island counter. ]

Carmella: OK, so we’re all agreed, Ralphie’s horse burned down the beach house.

Tony Soprano: Wait a second. Ralphie’s dead.

Ralphie: I am?

Tony Soprano: Yeah, don’t you remember? My sister Janice killed you with the bowling ball.

Janice: No, I killed my other boyfriend. (playfully) But I did put something up Ralphie’s bee-hind.

All: (laughing and speaking over each other) Oh, yeah…that’s right, I remember that.

[ STEVE VAN ZANDT, dressed as himself and not SILVIO, and another member of The E Street Band CLARENCE CLEMMONS, enter the kitchen, as STEVE slides up and down, swaying against TONY’s back, looking as though he’s jamming onstage.

Steven Van Zandt: Hey Tony, mon ami. Hey, we gonna get to work? Hey we gonna whack a guy or something. Gonna whack a guy, huh?

Tony Soprano: (laughing) What are you wearing?

Steven Van Zandt: Well, hey man. Look, I’ve been on tour with Springsteen. I thought the show had been canceled. I dunno. I gotta be honest, I don’t even remember what my character’s name is.

Carmella: Who is that?

Steven Van Zandt: Clarence Clemmons.

Clarence Clemmons: How do? Hey, is that pasta fagioli (pronounced exactly as spelled, instead of correctly)?


Voiceover: “The Sopranos.” The show everyone is talking about, because they’re trying to remember what happened last season.

[ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ] [ TONY and CARMELA are watching TV by the counter. ]

Tony Soprano: Okay, so we watched like eight episodes from last season and all I can figure out is Adriana was working for the FBI. Now, Paulie, what happened in the next one? It’s not that one, that turbo one with Jon Favreau, is it?

[ Cut to PAULIE, who has joined RALPHIE, JANICE, CLARENCE and STEVE on the opposite side of the counter.

Paulie: (reading Sopranos video back) Naw, Tone. This one’s when Silvio and Ralphie’s trying to stop a protest at the Columbus Day parade. Oh, I remember. The one with the Indians and, as I recall, that was a stinkertoo. Let’s just skip it and watch the one where Ralphie gets it in the keister again!

[ Everyone laughs and agrees with Paulie. Over the din, Ralphie’s embarrassed protest “Come on guys.” ] [ MUSIC. THE SOPRANOS THEME. SHOW TITLE. ]

Voiceover: This Sunday, “The Sopranos” on HBO.

Transcript courtesy of:

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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