SNL Transcripts: Colin Firth: 03/06/04: The Sopranos

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 14

03n: Colin Firth / Norah Jones

The Sopranos

Tony Soprano…..Darrell Hammond
Carmella…..Amy Poehler
Furio…..Seth Meyers
Ralphie…..Will Forte
Janice…..Horation Sanz
Steven Van Zandt…..Jimmy Fallon
Clarence clemmons…..Kenan Thompson
Paulie…..Colin Firth

[ MUSIC. THE SOPRANOS THEME. Camera pulls back to reveal show title. ]

Voiceover: The wait is over. This Sunday night, the most anticipated event in the history of time. A TV program that puts nature’s greatest wonders to shame. The season premiere of ‘The Sopranos.’ It’s been almost 15 months since the last episode. Are you ready?

[ EXT. SUBURBAN NEW JERSEY HOME – DAY ] [ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ] [ TONY dressed in an undershirt and open bathrobe, enters the kitchen, where CARMELLA is fixing breakfast.

Tony Soprano: Carm, got any of that leftover pasta fagioli?

Carmella: Get it yourself, Tony. I’m not your maid.

Tony Soprano: Whoa, with the hostility! What I’d do?

Carmella: (angrily) You know damn well what you did.

Tony Soprano: (loudly) Well, tell me already!

Carmella: (yelling) All right, I will. I’ll tell you exactly what you did!

Tony Soprano: What?

Carmella: (looking confused) You, ah, oh God, it’s been so long I can’t even really remember, you know. Do you remember, Tone?

Tony Soprano: Nah, I can’t, maybe…I can’t.


Voiceover: “The Sopranos.” For the first time since December 2002.


Tony Soprano: I know I moved into the garage, but wasn’t there a beach house? Something like that?

[ FURIO enters. ]

Furio: Hey, ah, Tony. I’m here to pick ya up.

Tony Soprano: Furio, do you remember ever driving me to a beach house?

Furio: Ah, I don’t think so.

Carmella: Furio, aren’t you supposed to be in Italy?

Furio: Oh. Snap.

[ Furio quickly exits. ] [ MUSIC. THE SOPRANOS THEME. SHOW TITLE. ]

Voiceover: All your favorite characters are back. Tony, Dr. Melfi, the guy who married the fat lady, and the fat lady.

[ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ] [ RALPHIE and JANICE are standing on the other side of the island counter. ]

Carmella: OK, so we’re all agreed, Ralphie’s horse burned down the beach house.

Tony Soprano: Wait a second. Ralphie’s dead.

Ralphie: I am?

Tony Soprano: Yeah, don’t you remember? My sister Janice killed you with the bowling ball.

Janice: No, I killed my other boyfriend. (playfully) But I did put something up Ralphie’s bee-hind.

All: (laughing and speaking over each other) Oh, yeah…that’s right, I remember that.

[ STEVE VAN ZANDT, dressed as himself and not SILVIO, and another member of The E Street Band CLARENCE CLEMMONS, enter the kitchen, as STEVE slides up and down, swaying against TONY’s back, looking as though he’s jamming onstage.

Steven Van Zandt: Hey Tony, mon ami. Hey, we gonna get to work? Hey we gonna whack a guy or something. Gonna whack a guy, huh?

Tony Soprano: (laughing) What are you wearing?

Steven Van Zandt: Well, hey man. Look, I’ve been on tour with Springsteen. I thought the show had been canceled. I dunno. I gotta be honest, I don’t even remember what my character’s name is.

Carmella: Who is that?

Steven Van Zandt: Clarence Clemmons.

Clarence Clemmons: How do? Hey, is that pasta fagioli (pronounced exactly as spelled, instead of correctly)?


Voiceover: “The Sopranos.” The show everyone is talking about, because they’re trying to remember what happened last season.

[ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ] [ TONY and CARMELA are watching TV by the counter. ]

Tony Soprano: Okay, so we watched like eight episodes from last season and all I can figure out is Adriana was working for the FBI. Now, Paulie, what happened in the next one? It’s not that one, that turbo one with Jon Favreau, is it?

[ Cut to PAULIE, who has joined RALPHIE, JANICE, CLARENCE and STEVE on the opposite side of the counter.

Paulie: (reading Sopranos video back) Naw, Tone. This one’s when Silvio and Ralphie’s trying to stop a protest at the Columbus Day parade. Oh, I remember. The one with the Indians and, as I recall, that was a stinkertoo. Let’s just skip it and watch the one where Ralphie gets it in the keister again!

[ Everyone laughs and agrees with Paulie. Over the din, Ralphie’s embarrassed protest “Come on guys.” ] [ MUSIC. THE SOPRANOS THEME. SHOW TITLE. ]

Voiceover: This Sunday, “The Sopranos” on HBO.

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