Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 14
Tony Soprano…..Darrell Hammond
Steven Van Zandt…..Jimmy Fallon
Clarence clemmons…..Kenan Thompson
Voiceover: The wait is over. This Sunday night, the most anticipated event in the history of time. A TV program that puts natures greatest wonders to shame. The season premiere of The Sopranos. Its been almost 15 months since the last episode. Are you ready?[ EXT. SUBURBAN NEW JERSEY HOME DAY ] [ INT. KITCHEN DAY ] [ TONY dressed in an undershirt and open bathrobe, enters the kitchen, where CARMELLA is fixing breakfast.
Tony Soprano: Carm, got any of that leftover pasta fagioli?
Carmella: Get it yourself, Tony. Im not your maid.
Tony Soprano: Whoa, with the hostility! What Id do?
Carmella: (angrily) You know damn well what you did.
Tony Soprano: (loudly) Well, tell me already!
Carmella: (yelling) All right, I will. Ill tell you exactly what you did!
Tony Soprano: What?
Carmella: (looking confused) You, ah, oh God, its been so long I cant even really remember, you know. Do you remember, Tone?
Tony Soprano: Nah, I cant, maybe…I cant.[ MUSIC. THE SOPRANOS THEME. SHOW TITLE. ]
Voiceover: The Sopranos. For the first time since December 2002.
Tony Soprano: I know I moved into the garage, but wasnt there a beach house? Something like that?[ FURIO enters. ]
Furio: Hey, ah, Tony. Im here to pick ya up.
Tony Soprano: Furio, do you remember ever driving me to a beach house?
Furio: Ah, I dont think so.
Carmella: Furio, arent you supposed to be in Italy?
Furio: Oh. Snap.
Voiceover: All your favorite characters are back. Tony, Dr. Melfi, the guy who married the fat lady, and the fat lady.[ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ] [ RALPHIE and JANICE are standing on the other side of the island counter. ]
Carmella: OK, so were all agreed, Ralphies horse burned down the beach house.
Tony Soprano: Wait a second. Ralphies dead.
Ralphie: I am?
Tony Soprano: Yeah, dont you remember? My sister Janice killed you with the bowling ball.
Janice: No, I killed my other boyfriend. (playfully) But I did put something up Ralphies bee-hind.
All: (laughing and speaking over each other) Oh, yeah thats right, I remember that.[ STEVE VAN ZANDT, dressed as himself and not SILVIO, and another member of The E Street Band CLARENCE CLEMMONS, enter the kitchen, as STEVE slides up and down, swaying against TONYs back, looking as though hes jamming onstage.
Steven Van Zandt: Hey Tony, mon ami. Hey, we gonna get to work? Hey we gonna whack a guy or something. Gonna whack a guy, huh?
Tony Soprano: (laughing) What are you wearing?
Steven Van Zandt: Well, hey man. Look, Ive been on tour with Springsteen. I thought the show had been canceled. I dunno. I gotta be honest, I dont even remember what my characters name is.
Carmella: Who is that?
Steven Van Zandt: Clarence Clemmons.
Clarence Clemmons: How do? Hey, is that pasta fagioli (pronounced exactly as spelled, instead of correctly)?[ MUSIC. THE SOPRANOS THEME. SHOW TITLE. ]
Voiceover: The Sopranos. The show everyone is talking about, because theyre trying to remember what happened last season.[ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ] [ TONY and CARMELA are watching TV by the counter. ]
Tony Soprano: Okay, so we watched like eight episodes from last season and all I can figure out is Adriana was working for the FBI. Now, Paulie, what happened in the next one? Its not that one, that turbo one with Jon Favreau, is it?[ Cut to PAULIE, who has joined RALPHIE, JANICE, CLARENCE and STEVE on the opposite side of the counter.
Paulie: (reading Sopranos video back) Naw, Tone. This ones when Silvio and Ralphies trying to stop a protest at the Columbus Day parade. Oh, I remember. The one with the Indians and, as I recall, that was a stinkertoo. Lets just skip it and watch the one where Ralphie gets it in the keister again![ Everyone laughs and agrees with Paulie. Over the din, Ralphies embarrassed protest Come on guys. ] [ MUSIC. THE SOPRANOS THEME. SHOW TITLE. ]
Voiceover: This Sunday, The Sopranos on HBO.
Transcript courtesy of: ColinFirth.com