SNL Transcripts: Colin Firth: 03/06/04: Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Stewart’s lead attorney said his client would appeal. Especially to the bigger girls.

Jimmy Fallon: There were few surprises at last Sunday’s Academy Awards, with Sean Penn and Charlize Theron winning Best Acting Oscars as expected. However, there was an embarrassing breach of security, when a homeless man repeatedly wandered onstage. [ show Peter Jackson accepting his Oscars ]

“The Passion of the Christ” was the number one movie at the box office, earning $117 million since its opening last Wednesday. What’s more, I hear Jesus is now dating J. Lo.

The movie’s financial success is bad news for Jews, and good news for Jews.

Tina Fey: [ interrupting, finger to her ear ] We’re receiving word that we have some breaking news in the Martha Stewart story. Uh.. apparently, women in the wealthy suburb of New Haven, Connecticut have taken to the street in violent protest of the verdict.

Jimmy Fallon: We go now – live – to Weekend Update correspondent Maya Rudolph, in New Haven, Connecticut.

[ cut to Maya Rudolph standing in front of a suburban mall, as WASPy women run frantically back and forth causing mayhem and destruction ]

Maya Rudolph: Tina! Jimmy! I’m here in an upscale pedestrian mall in Fairfield County, where middle-aged white women are rioting and looting to protest the Martha Stewart verdict. I don’t know if you can see behind me, but Talbot’s has burned to the ground. The women have looted William-Sonoma – they’re whipping bottles of specialty olive oils at the police! It’s wild, WASPy mayhem!

[ women run past screaming ]

Jimmy Fallon: Maya, are the police getting things under control?

Maya Rudolph: Not at all, Jimmy. The situation is very unstable.

[ a heavyset women dressed in a big bra and skirt runs past ]

Maya Rudolph: Just a second ago, I saw a woman wrapping a miniskirt around her fist, smash in the window of a Lincoln Navigator, and dragged a securities broker out on the ground, where a gang of women beat him senseless. It’s pretty grim. For Weekend Update, I’m Maya Rudolph, reporting from the Martha Stewart riot here in New Haven, Connecticut.

Rioter: Free Martha!!

[ cut back to the Weekend Update desk ]

Tina Fey: Thank you, Maya. Be careful out there.

Jimmy Fallon: It was reported that at an Oscar after-party Paris Hilton was seen making out with her sex video co-star Rick Solomon. Apparently, she signed a two-picture deal.

Tina Fey: A Texas man, still drunk from four days of partying, broke into an airplane hangar, stole two planes, flying one into a power line. Thus finally fulfilling his commitment to the Texas Air National Guard. [ show George W. Bush ]

Attorney General John Ashcroft was admitted Thursday to the intensive care unit of a Washington hospital for gallstone pancreatitis. While he’s there, doctors may also try to remove the stick from his butt.

[ a knock is heard off-camera ]

Tina Fey: Oh! That sounds like somebody’s at the Update door! You want to get that?

Jimmy Fallon: Are you sure?

Tina Fey: Yeah, see who it is.

Jimmy Fallon: Oh, let me see who it is.

Tina Fey: Yeah.

Jimmy Fallon: [ opens the door ] Oh! Come on in! It’s Peter Jackson and Elijah Wood!

[ fright-eyed Elijah Wood enters with Peter Jackson, carrying a shopping bag full of Oscar awards ]

Peter Jackson: Hello, Jimmy!

Jimmy Fallon: Hey, Elijah. It’s good to see you guys.

Peter Jackson: Hello, Tina!

Tina Fey: Hi!

Peter Jackson: I just came by to pick up my award. Now, you can just throw it in the bag.

Tina Fey: Oh, this isn’t an awards show. This is, uh.. this is Weekend Update.

Peter Jackson: Oh, boy.. I’m sorry, mates. I’ve been picking up so many awards over the past few months, I.. I’m kinda just on auto-pilot at this point. I even haven’t had time to change my tux. But you can.. probably smell that for yourself.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, I smell that..

Tina Fey: We can smell that..

Jimmy Fallon: Well.. sorry we don’t have any awards for you, so good to see you —

Peter Jackson: Listen – can you make something up, Jimmy? I’ve won, like.. 280 awards for this film, and.. my wee mate Elijah here.. hasn’t won anything for it.

Jimmy Fallon: Well.. [ searching ] I’ve got this piece of Big Red.

Peter Jackson: Okay, that’ll do!

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah?

Peter Jackson: Yeah! [ unwraps the gum ] And.. the Weekend Update piece of red gum for excellence in being a Hobbit goes to.. Elijah Wood!

Elijah Wood: Yaay! Yippee! I won something! Yaaaaaaayyyy!!

Peter Jackson: Thank you so much, Jimmy!

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, no problem.

Peter Jackson: Well.. we must be off.

Jimmy Fallon: You’re sure?

Peter Jackson: Apparently, “The Return of the King” has just won a Coney Island hot dog eating competetion.

Tina Fey: Ah, good! Well, Peter Jackson and Elijah Wood, everyone!

A new study says that people on the Atkins Diet are more prone to mood swings. Either that, or I am a bitch!

Jessica Simpson admitted that she recently took a pregnancy test. The results were inconcousive. [ show Simpson putting the pregnancy test in her mouth ]

Jimmy Fallon: An arrest warrant has been issued for Wesley Snipes after allegations surfaced that he fathered a child with a woman in a Chicago crack house four years ago. Advantage: Snipes. Your move, Bobby Brown.

Tina Fey: A federal judge has ruled that gay high school students in Lubbock, Texas can be barred from meeting on campus. As a result, the gay students will have to meet where they always do: in the Drama Club.

Back to you, Jimmy.

Jimmy Fallon: Hey, by the way, Tina, I have a new nickname. I want everyone to call me J-Rod. You know, like A-Rod?

Tina Fey: What? No. That’s stupid.

Jimmy Fallon: No, it’s not stupid, no – it’s awesome!

Tina Fey: No, Jimmy, you can’t just create your own nickname. Someone has to give the nickname to you.

Jimmy Fallon: What, why? I give myself tons of nicknames! I gave myself J-Rod.. Jimmy Jack.. Fellonius.. Big Ballin’ Fallon.. Captain Bad Ass.. Baron von Awesome —

Tina Fey: No. You didn’t take any of the nicknames we gave you.

Jimmy Fallon: I don’t like them.

Tina Fey: Why? What’s wrong with Babs? Or Queer Boner? We even tried to call you Flounder Tit. It’s a great nickname for you.

Jimmy Fallon: Call me J-Rod, alright? It would mean a lot to me.

Tina Fey: Alright.. whatever you say, J-Hole.

Jimmy Fallon: [ whispering ] J-Rod..

An Iowa paramedic was fired after he allegedly grabbed a dead woman by the breast and yelled, “Honk! Honk!” which is very offensive. If you want to show a woman the proper respect, you have to go: “Aaa-ooo-gaaa! Aaa-ooo-gaaa!”

Tina Fey: John Kerry has sewn up the Democratic nomination for President, and the running-mate speculation is running rampant. Here to handicap the VP race, is our old friend, and former President, Bill Clinton!

Bill Clinton: Hello, Tina. May I say, you.. look.. great! Julia Roberts was God’s first try.. at making you. I swear to God. [ looks at Jimmy ] Fellonius? How we doing?

Jimmy Fallon: What’s up, man!

Bill Clinton: Okay, let’s get right to it. John Kerry is a solid candidate. But choosing the right running-mate is critical if he really weants to win. The candidates are:

[ show picture of John Edwards ]

John Edwards. Southern.. handsome.. killer smile.. good hair.. Washington outsider. Remind you of anyone? He’s Clinton-lite, man. He’s a boring version of me. Talk about a snoze-fest. This guy might have sex in the Oval Office, but he’d probably do it in the missionary position – with his wife. What.. a.. waste.. that would be.

Next.

[ show picture of Howard Dean ]

[ singing ] “Cra-zyyy.. cra-zy for being O.D..” Look in his eyes. This guys is nuts. I’m serious. If you have ever stared into the eyes of a raccoon when he’s trying to steal some of your picnic lunch.. you know what it’s like to talk ot Howard Dean.

Next.

[ show picture of Dennis Kucinich ]

Dennis Kucinich. I’m gonna be honest – I don’t know a lot about this man, or what he stands for. But I do know that I have this overwhelming urge to give him a noogie.

Next.

[ show picture of Ralph Nader ]

Nope. Next.

[ show picture of Hillary Clinton ]

Now.. [ clears throat ] I don’t want y’all to laugh. I know a lot of people have a lot of opinions about this lady. But, take it from me – she is smart, she is talented, she’s a true patriot, and I happen to think she’s sexy as hell. Oh, wait. that’s the wrong picture. Go to the next one.

[ show picture of Anna Nicole Smith ]

That’s what I’m talkin’ about! Anna Nicole Smith! That is a Vice-President we can all.. get.. behind.

[ show picture of Bill Clinton ]

And, finally.. me. Come on, you know you want it! Come on, I was so much fun as president! Just imagine what I could do if I had less responsibility and more free time. You.. ain’t.. seen.. nothing yet, America! Support a Kerry/Clinton ticket. I’ll put the “vice” back in “Vice-President.”

Tina Fey: Bill Clinton, everyone!

Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.