Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 14
Mr. Collins…..Colin Firth
Officer David…Chris Parnell
[open on covered entranceway labeled Hotel Wilson] [dissolve to interior] [a man in a business suit, Mr. Collins, enters hotel room, closely followed by a bellhop, Randall, carrying his luggage]
Randall: [sets down bags] All righty, here is your room, Mr. Collins.
Collins: Wow, this is nice.
Randall: You in town for the software convention?
Collins: Yeah, that’s right. I came in from London.
Randall: Hey, that’s great. Well, your mini-bar is right over there [gestures stage right]. Extra towels and blankets are in the closet [gestures behind self].
Collins: Thanks, thanks. [Randall holds hand out for a tip] I’ll…oh. [produces some bills from a pocket and gives them to Randall]
Randall: [puts the money in his pocket] I hope you enjoy your stay with us. And if you need anything, please, my name is Randall; don’t hesitate to call.
Collins: Okay, well, Randall, actually, yeah, I just wanted to ask you, I mean, I’m in town for this convention and my girlfriend isn’t here, so, you, ah, you wouldn’t happen to know, um…?
Randall: Oh, you, you’re looking for some professional company? [raises eyebrows meaningfully]
Collins: Exactly, yes. I have to be discreet, because people I work with are staying here, too.
Randall: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I understand that. How much did you want to spend?
Collins: Oh, I don’t know. A hundred dollars.
Randall: A hundred dollars, yeah, that should be fine. Okay, let’s get those pants off! [lunges towards Collins’ crotch and tries to undo his pants]
Collins: No, no, no! [backs away and pushes Randall off of him]
Randall: Hey, hey, come on man! I’m in a big hurry here. If I’m not back down at that front desk in fifteen minutes, I’m in big trouble. Now let’s go. [reaches for Collins’ pants again]
Collins: Please, don’t do that! Please.
Randall: Oh, you know, I’m sorry. I should have said before. I got condoms. [unfurls a strip of about a dozen wrapped condoms] They’re ribbed for your pleasure.
Collins: Well, I don’t care. I don’t care if they’re “ribbed for my pleasure.”
Randall: Oh, well then fine. I’ll turn them inside-out.
Collins: No, that’s not what I had in mind.
Randall: Oh, you’re right. I misunderstood. Sorry. You want to watch me. That’s cool. [flops onto bed in a sitting position and begins to undo his own pants]
Collins: No, no, that’s not what I meant! No, for God’s sake, just stop it!
Randall: You know what? [stands back up] I think I understand what’s going on here. Mr. Collins, you’re a racist!
Collins: No, no, I’m not a racist.
Randall: What, you don’t like black people?
Collins: No, I like black people.
Randall: Oh, well then good, ’cause you’re getting ready to love one. Randall’s about to rock your world! C’mon! [makes playful, sexy gestures and reaches for Collins’ pants again] [Collins and Randall grapple over Collins’ crotch ]
Collins: No, no, stop, just leave. I’m not a homosexual! [turns away, breaking Randall’s grip on him]
Randall: What, what are you trying to say? I’m a homosexual?
Collins: Well, no, but…You were trying to take my pants off, and I’d say that’s pretty gay.
Randall: No, it’s not. I was gonna be the man. You’re the one that was gonna be sweet.
Collins: No, no, get out of my room!
Randall: Well, where’s my bread then?
Collins: Well, I’m not going to pay you. I haven’t done anything. We haven’t done anything.
Randall: Well then, get your pants off! [reaches for them again]
Collins: No! I’m calling the manager! [rushes to the bedside phone]
Randall: Oh, wait, I’ll get him. [yelling] Larry! You better get in here![Larry enters]
Larry: What the hell’s going on here?
Collins: This man’s trying to molest me.
Randall: Man, this dude was going to pay me a hundred dollars to have sex with him.
Larry: Aren’t you supposed to be at the front desk?
Randall: I’m on a fifteen minute break.
Larry: Fifteen minute break? Hurry up, let’s get this dude’s pants off! [Larry and Randall try to pull down Collins’ pants]
Collins: No! No! I don’t want to! Please! [they desist] Look, if it will get you out of my room. Here. A hundred dollars. [gives money to Larry]
Randall: Well, you know what? You called him in here, and you made this a threesome. So that’s an extra hundred.
Collins: No, I will not give you an extra hundred. I’m calling the police.
Randall: Hey, never mind, I’ll get him. [yelling] Officer David![Officer David enters]
David: This guy giving you trouble, Randall?
Randall: Yes.[David passes Randall and walks up to Collins]
Collins: No, no, I’m not, officer. There was this little misunderstanding.
David: Sir! You have the right to remain…horny![Randall turns on the radio. Beyoncé’s “Crazy Right Now” plays. Randall and Larry hip-hop dance while David grinds against Collins from behind.]
Collins: [to David] You’re not even a policeman!
David: No, but I have urges like any other man.
Collins: Stop! Stop! [waves arms in wild desperation] Stop the music! Stop! You win! [music stops] Here, take the money! Take the money. Just take it. Go, please. [gives money to all three men]
Randall: Ah, thank you, Mr. Collins. If there’s anything you need to make your stay a little more comfortable, the name’s Randall.[Randall, Larry, and David exit the room] [Collins sits on the bed and picks up the phone]
Collins: We’ve got to get out of here. The staff just tried to roger me.[dissolve to another hotel room, where a man wearing a white undershirt is sitting in bed]
Man: Oh, my God. That’s, that’s terrible. Um, I’ll meet you downstairs, in about… [a bellhop leans over from out of shot to kiss him seductively on the cheek] …thirty minutes. [puts down phone] [to bellhop] This time, I’ll be the caterer. [picks up a bowl of strawberries and begins feeding them to bellhop]
Submitted by: DavidK93