SNL Transcripts: Colin Firth: 03/06/04: Hotel Wilson


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 14

03n: Colin Firth / Norah Jones

Hotel Wilson

Randall…..Kenan Thompson
Mr. Collins…..Colin Firth
Larry…..Horatio Sanz
Officer David…Chris Parnell
Man…..Seth Meyers
Bellhop…..Fred Armisen

[open on covered entranceway labeled Hotel Wilson] [dissolve to interior] [a man in a business suit, Mr. Collins, enters hotel room, closely followed by a bellhop, Randall, carrying his luggage]

Randall: [sets down bags] All righty, here is your room, Mr. Collins.

Collins: Wow, this is nice.

Randall: You in town for the software convention?

Collins: Yeah, that’s right. I came in from London.

Randall: Hey, that’s great. Well, your mini-bar is right over there [gestures stage right]. Extra towels and blankets are in the closet [gestures behind self].

Collins: Thanks, thanks. [Randall holds hand out for a tip] I’ll…oh. [produces some bills from a pocket and gives them to Randall]

Randall: [puts the money in his pocket] I hope you enjoy your stay with us. And if you need anything, please, my name is Randall; don’t hesitate to call.

Collins: Okay, well, Randall, actually, yeah, I just wanted to ask you, I mean, I’m in town for this convention and my girlfriend isn’t here, so, you, ah, you wouldn’t happen to know, um…?

Randall: Oh, you, you’re looking for some professional company? [raises eyebrows meaningfully]

Collins: Exactly, yes. I have to be discreet, because people I work with are staying here, too.

Randall: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I understand that. How much did you want to spend?

Collins: Oh, I don’t know. A hundred dollars.

Randall: A hundred dollars, yeah, that should be fine. Okay, let’s get those pants off! [lunges towards Collins’ crotch and tries to undo his pants]

Collins: No, no, no! [backs away and pushes Randall off of him]

Randall: Hey, hey, come on man! I’m in a big hurry here. If I’m not back down at that front desk in fifteen minutes, I’m in big trouble. Now let’s go. [reaches for Collins’ pants again]

Collins: Please, don’t do that! Please.

Randall: Oh, you know, I’m sorry. I should have said before. I got condoms. [unfurls a strip of about a dozen wrapped condoms] They’re ribbed for your pleasure.

Collins: Well, I don’t care. I don’t care if they’re “ribbed for my pleasure.”

Randall: Oh, well then fine. I’ll turn them inside-out.

Collins: No, that’s not what I had in mind.

Randall: Oh, you’re right. I misunderstood. Sorry. You want to watch me. That’s cool. [flops onto bed in a sitting position and begins to undo his own pants]

Collins: No, no, that’s not what I meant! No, for God’s sake, just stop it!

Randall: You know what? [stands back up] I think I understand what’s going on here. Mr. Collins, you’re a racist!

Collins: No, no, I’m not a racist.

Randall: What, you don’t like black people?

Collins: No, I like black people.

Randall: Oh, well then good, ’cause you’re getting ready to love one. Randall’s about to rock your world! C’mon! [makes playful, sexy gestures and reaches for Collins’ pants again] [Collins and Randall grapple over Collins’ crotch ]

Collins: No, no, stop, just leave. I’m not a homosexual! [turns away, breaking Randall’s grip on him]

Randall: What, what are you trying to say? I’m a homosexual?

Collins: Well, no, but…You were trying to take my pants off, and I’d say that’s pretty gay.

Randall: No, it’s not. I was gonna be the man. You’re the one that was gonna be sweet.

Collins: No, no, get out of my room!

Randall: Well, where’s my bread then?

Collins: Well, I’m not going to pay you. I haven’t done anything. We haven’t done anything.

Randall: Well then, get your pants off! [reaches for them again]

Collins: No! I’m calling the manager! [rushes to the bedside phone]

Randall: Oh, wait, I’ll get him. [yelling] Larry! You better get in here!

[Larry enters]

Larry: What the hell’s going on here?

Collins: This man’s trying to molest me.

Larry: Randall?

Randall: Man, this dude was going to pay me a hundred dollars to have sex with him.

Larry: Aren’t you supposed to be at the front desk?

Randall: I’m on a fifteen minute break.

Larry: Fifteen minute break? Hurry up, let’s get this dude’s pants off! [Larry and Randall try to pull down Collins’ pants]

Collins: No! No! I don’t want to! Please! [they desist] Look, if it will get you out of my room. Here. A hundred dollars. [gives money to Larry]

Randall: Well, you know what? You called him in here, and you made this a threesome. So that’s an extra hundred.

Collins: No, I will not give you an extra hundred. I’m calling the police.

Randall: Hey, never mind, I’ll get him. [yelling] Officer David!

[Officer David enters]

David: This guy giving you trouble, Randall?

Randall: Yes.

[David passes Randall and walks up to Collins]

Collins: No, no, I’m not, officer. There was this little misunderstanding.

David: Sir! You have the right to remain…horny!

[Randall turns on the radio. Beyoncé’s “Crazy Right Now” plays. Randall and Larry hip-hop dance while David grinds against Collins from behind.]

Collins: [to David] You’re not even a policeman!

David: No, but I have urges like any other man.

Collins: Stop! Stop! [waves arms in wild desperation] Stop the music! Stop! You win! [music stops] Here, take the money! Take the money. Just take it. Go, please. [gives money to all three men]

Randall: Ah, thank you, Mr. Collins. If there’s anything you need to make your stay a little more comfortable, the name’s Randall.

[Randall, Larry, and David exit the room] [Collins sits on the bed and picks up the phone]

Collins: We’ve got to get out of here. The staff just tried to roger me.

[dissolve to another hotel room, where a man wearing a white undershirt is sitting in bed]

Man: Oh, my God. That’s, that’s terrible. Um, I’ll meet you downstairs, in about… [a bellhop leans over from out of shot to kiss him seductively on the cheek] …thirty minutes. [puts down phone] [to bellhop] This time, I’ll be the caterer. [picks up a bowl of strawberries and begins feeding them to bellhop]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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