Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 15
March 13th, 2004
Kelly Ripa Boston TeensSummary: Sully (Jimmy Fallon) and Denise (Rachel Dratch) attend the wedding of Donny Bartalotti (Ben Affleck), but are surprised to discover he’s come out of the closet for a gay ceremony.
Recurring Characters: Sully, Denise, Donny Bartalotti, Frank.
Ben Affleck’s MonologueSummary: Ben Affleck beats the media bandwagon by showing off the Bennifer-style t-shirts that will accentuate potential future love matches.
Also Hosted: 99m, 04a.
Z105 Morning CrewSummary: Joey Mack (Jimmy Fallon) discovers that pal Dan the Garbage Man (Ben Affleck) has stolen all his characters for his own show.
Recurring Characters: Joey Mack.
GigliSummary: While filming the mental institution scene from “Gigli”, mentally-challenged Frondi (Fred Armisen) cautions Ben Affleck that the film will suck.
TV FunhouseSummary: Mel Gibson explores the making Of “The Passion Of The Dumpty.”
Appalachian Emergency RoomSummary: More medical mishaps among the trailer trash society.
Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Percy Bo Dance, Netti Bo Dance, Tyler.
Only Bangkok ISummary: A businessman (Seth Meyers) deals with a dead hooker in hotel room while in Thailand.
N.E.R.D. performs “She Wants To Move”Bio: Rock band N.E.R.D. (acronym: No-one Ever Really Dies) is Pharrell Williams, Chad Hugo, and Shae Haley.
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Finesse Mitchell asks bill collectors to leave him alone. Diana Ross (Maya Rudolph) hasn’t completed 48 consecutive hours in jail. Former president Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) comments on the bickering between George W. Bush and John Kerry.
Recurring Characters: Diana Ross, Bill Clinton.
Top O’ The MorningSummary: Patrick Fitzwilliam () and William Fitzpatrick () welcome their Bono-obsessed friend, Ronald McDonald (Ben Affleck), to the show.
Recurring Characters: Patrick Fitzwilliam, William Fitzpatrick.
Only Bangkok IISummary: A woman’s (Amy Poehler) marriage to actor Ben Affleck turns sour during her stay in Thailand.
Donnie G. and SidecarSummary: Trooper Donnie G. (Ben Affleck) is oblivious that his sidekick, Sidecar (Fred Armisen), is getting banged into objects on the side of the road.
Only Bangkok IIISummary: Ben Affleck and Kelly Ripa wreck a businessman’s (Seth Meyers) room during his stay in Thailand.
N.E.R.D. performs “Maybe”
The Full Moon KillerSummary: At the office, an employee (Ben Affleck) jeopardizes his secret identity by defending the Full Moon Killer’s missed hit.
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Thrill SeekersSummary: Talk show host (Ben Affleck) only pays attention to one of his thrill seeking guests (Seth Meyers), but ignores the others (Maya Rudolph, Finesse Mitchell).
17th Annual Adult Movie AwardsSummary: Due to the sensitive nature of the broadcast, the awards show is cut short.
Note: This sketch was also cut from the dress rehearsal of the Colin Firth episode, but would finally air in the episode hosted by Lindsay Lohan.
Desert IslandSummary: Ben Affleck is stranded on a desert island with an overzealous female fan (Rachel Dratch).
Merv the PervSummary: Merv the Perv (Chris Parnell) visits a pregnant women’s yoga class.
Recurring Characters: Merv the Perv.
I guess this would be a “montage”note: Don Pardo seems to identify Rachel Dratch as “Laurie Jewbright,” “Laurie Jewbrock,” or something similar. It sounds likely that he realized his mistake by the time he was pronouncing the last syllable, and therefore he didn’t enunciate it completely.