SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 03/13/04



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 15


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


March 13th, 2004

Ben Affleck

N.E.R.D.

Kelly Ripa
Boston TeensSummary: Sully (Jimmy Fallon) and Denise (Rachel Dratch) attend the wedding of Donny Bartalotti (Ben Affleck), but are surprised to discover he’s come out of the closet for a gay ceremony.

Recurring Characters: Sully, Denise, Donny Bartalotti, Frank.

Transcript

Montage

Ben Affleck’s MonologueSummary: Ben Affleck beats the media bandwagon by showing off the Bennifer-style t-shirts that will accentuate potential future love matches.

Also Hosted: 99m, 04a.

Transcript

Z105 Morning CrewSummary: Joey Mack (Jimmy Fallon) discovers that pal Dan the Garbage Man (Ben Affleck) has stolen all his characters for his own show.

Recurring Characters: Joey Mack.

Transcript

GigliSummary: While filming the mental institution scene from “Gigli”, mentally-challenged Frondi (Fred Armisen) cautions Ben Affleck that the film will suck.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: Mel Gibson explores the making Of “The Passion Of The Dumpty.”

Appalachian Emergency RoomSummary: More medical mishaps among the trailer trash society.

Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Percy Bo Dance, Netti Bo Dance, Tyler.

Only Bangkok ISummary: A businessman (Seth Meyers) deals with a dead hooker in hotel room while in Thailand.

Transcript

N.E.R.D. performs “She Wants To Move”Bio: Rock band N.E.R.D. (acronym: No-one Ever Really Dies) is Pharrell Williams, Chad Hugo, and Shae Haley.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Finesse Mitchell asks bill collectors to leave him alone. Diana Ross (Maya Rudolph) hasn’t completed 48 consecutive hours in jail. Former president Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) comments on the bickering between George W. Bush and John Kerry.

Recurring Characters: Diana Ross, Bill Clinton.

Transcript

Top O’ The MorningSummary: Patrick Fitzwilliam () and William Fitzpatrick () welcome their Bono-obsessed friend, Ronald McDonald (Ben Affleck), to the show.

Recurring Characters: Patrick Fitzwilliam, William Fitzpatrick.

Only Bangkok IISummary: A woman’s (Amy Poehler) marriage to actor Ben Affleck turns sour during her stay in Thailand.

Transcript

Donnie G. and SidecarSummary: Trooper Donnie G. (Ben Affleck) is oblivious that his sidekick, Sidecar (Fred Armisen), is getting banged into objects on the side of the road.

Transcript

Only Bangkok IIISummary: Ben Affleck and Kelly Ripa wreck a businessman’s (Seth Meyers) room during his stay in Thailand.

Transcript

N.E.R.D. performs “Maybe”

The Full Moon KillerSummary: At the office, an employee (Ben Affleck) jeopardizes his secret identity by defending the Full Moon Killer’s missed hit.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Thrill SeekersSummary: Talk show host (Ben Affleck) only pays attention to one of his thrill seeking guests (Seth Meyers), but ignores the others (Maya Rudolph, Finesse Mitchell).

17th Annual Adult Movie AwardsSummary: Due to the sensitive nature of the broadcast, the awards show is cut short.

Note: This sketch was also cut from the dress rehearsal of the Colin Firth episode, but would finally air in the episode hosted by Lindsay Lohan.

Desert IslandSummary: Ben Affleck is stranded on a desert island with an overzealous female fan (Rachel Dratch).

Merv the PervSummary: Merv the Perv (Chris Parnell) visits a pregnant women’s yoga class.

Recurring Characters: Merv the Perv.

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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Matt Vandermast

I guess this would be a “montage”note: Don Pardo seems to identify Rachel Dratch as “Laurie Jewbright,” “Laurie Jewbrock,” or something similar. It sounds likely that he realized his mistake by the time he was pronouncing the last syllable, and therefore he didn’t enunciate it completely.