SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 03/13/04: Only Bangkok III

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 15



03o: Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.

Only Bangkok III

Businessman…..Seth Meyers
…..Ben Affleck
…..Kelly Ripa
Old Man…..Darrell Hammond

Businessman: Hey. It’s me. It, um.. it happened again. Well, this time it’s, uh.. it’s a dude. No! I didn’t kill him! The lizard killed him.. and, then, Ben Affleck killed the lizard.

[ Ben Affleck enters, dressed in drag ]

Ben Affleck: It was self-defense! That thing was making fun of me!

Businessman: Yeah. Ben Affleck. I don’t know why he’s here. He crawled in the window at 6:30 this morning, with a baby Kimodo Drago under one arm, and Kelly Ripa under the other. Yeah. From “Regis & Kelly”.

[ Kelly Ripa runs into the room, screaming ]

Kelly Ripa: We gotta cut this dead guy up, and put ihm in a bag! This is bad, man! Ba-a-ad!!

Businessman: Ripa! Chill! I will handle this! Dude.. stop judging me, and just give me that phone number again. [ a beat ] Because the number’s in my wallet, and the wallet’s in the dead dude.

[ SUPER: “What happens in Thailand, stays in Thailand” ] [ SUPER: “Only Bangkok” ] [ an Old Man knocks on the door, and enters the room ]

Businessman: He’s, um.. on the bed.

Ben Affleck: Hey, old man – you know anyone who wants to buy a suitcase full of panda meat?

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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