SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 03/13/04: Only Bangkok III

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 15

03o: Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.

Only Bangkok III

Businessman…..Seth Meyers
…..Ben Affleck
…..Kelly Ripa
Old Man…..Darrell Hammond

Businessman: Hey. It’s me. It, um.. it happened again. Well, this time it’s, uh.. it’s a dude. No! I didn’t kill him! The lizard killed him.. and, then, Ben Affleck killed the lizard.

[ Ben Affleck enters, dressed in drag ]

Ben Affleck: It was self-defense! That thing was making fun of me!

Businessman: Yeah. Ben Affleck. I don’t know why he’s here. He crawled in the window at 6:30 this morning, with a baby Kimodo Drago under one arm, and Kelly Ripa under the other. Yeah. From “Regis & Kelly”.

[ Kelly Ripa runs into the room, screaming ]

Kelly Ripa: We gotta cut this dead guy up, and put ihm in a bag! This is bad, man! Ba-a-ad!!

Businessman: Ripa! Chill! I will handle this! Dude.. stop judging me, and just give me that phone number again. [ a beat ] Because the number’s in my wallet, and the wallet’s in the dead dude.

[ SUPER: “What happens in Thailand, stays in Thailand” ] [ SUPER: “Only Bangkok” ] [ an Old Man knocks on the door, and enters the room ]

Businessman: He’s, um.. on the bed.

Ben Affleck: Hey, old man – you know anyone who wants to buy a suitcase full of panda meat?

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