Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 15
Only Bangkok III
Old Man…..Darrell Hammond
Businessman: Hey. It’s me. It, um.. it happened again. Well, this time it’s, uh.. it’s a dude. No! I didn’t kill him! The lizard killed him.. and, then, Ben Affleck killed the lizard.
[ Ben Affleck enters, dressed in drag ]
Ben Affleck: It was self-defense! That thing was making fun of me!
Businessman: Yeah. Ben Affleck. I don’t know why he’s here. He crawled in the window at 6:30 this morning, with a baby Kimodo Drago under one arm, and Kelly Ripa under the other. Yeah. From “Regis & Kelly”.
[ Kelly Ripa runs into the room, screaming ]
Kelly Ripa: We gotta cut this dead guy up, and put ihm in a bag! This is bad, man! Ba-a-ad!!
Businessman: Ripa! Chill! I will handle this! Dude.. stop judging me, and just give me that phone number again. [ a beat ] Because the number’s in my wallet, and the wallet’s in the dead dude.
[ SUPER: “What happens in Thailand, stays in Thailand” ]
[ SUPER: “Only Bangkok” ]
[ an Old Man knocks on the door, and enters the room ]
Businessman: He’s, um.. on the bed.
Ben Affleck: Hey, old man – you know anyone who wants to buy a suitcase full of panda meat?