Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 15
Mrs. Bartalotti…..Amy Poehler
Donny Bartalotti…..Ben Affleck
Sully: Tommy! Is that thing on?[ camera nods Yes ]
Sully: Alright. Hey! This is Pat Sullivan – we’re gathered here at the Knights of Columbus, to honor the nuptials of one of the biggest heartbreakers of all time – our dear friend, Mr. Donny Bartalotti! This is the worst thing to happen to the women of the greater Boston area, since Nomar started scrubbin’ Mia Hamm.
Denise: Best wishes, Donny! I’m glad you finally found a woman who will support you – both financially, and financially.
Sully: Denise, you’re looking radiant.
Denise: Oh, thank you – it’s a loaner. On loan from Dress Barn, to be returned tomorrow, applying a bit of Febreze to my hot spots!
Sully: You ah gross.
Denise: You ah![ a drunken Mrs. Bartalotti enters ]
Mrs. Bartalotti: Oh, my god.. this wedding is an abomination!
Sully: Hey, Mrs. Bartalotti!
Denise: You must be wicked proud!
Mrs. Bartalotti: Ohhh, God. Get me another whiskey sour, sweetheart..
Sully: No problem. [ removes bottle of whiskey from his pocket, and pours for Mrs. Bartalotti ]
Mrs. Bartalotti: Ohhh, beautiful.. God love ya.. [ turns ] Eileen! Ain’t this a shockah!
Donny Bartalotti: He likes to party!
Sully: He don’t date fuglies!
Donny Bartalotti: He’s after all the hawties! What’s up, bro!
Sully: I haven’t seen this idiot in two years! The last I heard, he got fired from the Army.
Donny Bartalotti: Yes! Apparently, I was too awesome for the Armed Forces! It’s good to see youse guys – Sully, Denise – you’re the best! Thanks for showin’ up!
Denise: Oh, my Gawd, what are you talkin’ about? All we had to hear was Donny’s gettin’ married, and open bar!
Donny Bartalotti: [ laughs ] Well.. [ piano music begins to play ] Uh-oh.. looks like we’re startin’ up! Next time you see me, this finger will be covered in Zale![ Donny exits to front, where he takes his place at the alter next to another man. A Priest begins to officiate the ceremony. ]
Priest: We are gathered here today to join Donny and Smithy.. two souls brought together by their fobidden love.[ Tommy pans the camera back to Sully and Denise, whose faces express extreme shock ]
Priest: A marriage is a new beginning.
Sully: Denise.. how many beers have I had?
Denise: [ unsure ] ..Maybe a sixer?
Sully: And how many grooms do you see before you?
Denise: There appeahs.. to be two.
Sully: Do you see a bride?
Denise: I see not a bride.
Priest: — For they have found in each other.. companionship.
Sully: Are we bearing witness to a same-sex matrimony?
Denise: [ freaking out ] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! We were not given fair warning!!
Sully: This cannot be! Donny Bartalotti cannot be gay! He’s my hero! I haven’t felt this betrayed since the Yankees stole A-Rod.
Denise: Wait a minute.. wait a minute, wait a minute.. here it is. [ reads from invitation ] “You are cordially invited to a committment ceremony for Donny Bartalotti and Michael Smith!”
Sully: I thought it said Michelle!
Denise: Oce again, we suffah the repurcussions of our poor reading comprehension.
Priest: And now.. Donny and Smithy will read their vows.
Donny Bartalotti: [ clears throat, reading from a sheet he pulls out ] “My dearest Smithy.. from the moment I seen you in line, standin’ there lookin’ all gorgeous at Kelly’s Roast Beef.. teasin’ me, with your tight pants on.. I knew you were meant to be my life partnah! your love has opened up parts of my heart.. that I did not know existed – especially the queeh part! There are so many things – [ begins to tear up ] sorry this is hot – you are wicked good at. Wiffleball.. X-Box.. candlepins. And that’s just for startahs. You are everything to me. You combine the tenacity of Bobby Orr, the grace and class of Larry Byrd, and the heart, soul and spirit.. of Nomar.”
Smithy: Nomar!![ camera pans back to a stunned Sully and Denise ]
Sully: [ still one with Nomar, though relunctant ] Nomar..
Donny Bartalotti: Nomar!
Smithy: You’re.. so queeh.
Donny Bartalotti: You are.[ they kiss ]
Sully: Stop, stop, stop!
Donny Bartalotti: What are you doin’, bro?!
Denise: Donny! Donny! You are not gay! Okay? What about the time we did it in the Little Petes parking lot?
Sully: Wait, wait, what? Where was I?
Denise: Oh, you were inside tryin’ to buy rubbers.
Sully: The irony.
Donny Bartalotti: Denise, Denise.. while my pahts do respond equally to administrations from either gender.. my heart belongs only to Smithy.
Smithy: You got me right here, bro.. you got me right here!
Donny Bartalotti: You’re my other half, you gay bird, you! Come here![ they kiss again ]
Sully: Hey, alright, none of it! I was raised to believe that a marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman.. and another mysterious woman that shows up at his funeral.
Donny Bartalotti: Listen.. bro. Don’t start with me, alright? You don’t want to fight with me, at my gay wedding! ‘Cause I’ll get down with ya!
Smithy: Do NOT make my lover and I F you up on OUR special day!!
Mrs. Bartalotti: Oh, my Gawd, Donny.. why couldn’t you be a priest?!
Denise: Alright.. settle down, settle down, everybody, settle! I apologize for the interruption. You know what, Sully? You should be ashamed of yourself, okay? Everyone should have the same kind of love.. that Donny and Smitty have.
Sully: Denise, Ive been begging you for the kind of love that Donny and Smitty have, and you never let me do it! Not even once!
Denise: You are so perverted!
Sully: You are![ they make out, as Frank enters ]
Frank: Hey, Denise. You promised you’d set me up with some bridesmaids.
Denise: Oh. Yeah.. uh.. big problem, Frank – they’re all gentlemen.
Frank: I don’t care. A pronise is a promise.
Sully: Forget it, Frank. We’re leaving.[ Frank silently turns away ]
Donny Bartalotti: No, no, no.. what are you talkin’ about? You guys stay. Of all my friends, you guys are the only ones that showed up! Not Waddy.. Champy.. Tags.. Digby.. Squeezebox.. Ooey or Casper.
Sully: Not even Weebs?
Donny Bartalotti: [ solemn ] Not even Weebs.
Sully: Well.. Suly and Zazoo are here! And, where we go..
Sully & Denise: So goes the pahty!
Smithy: Alright, then! Let’s move to the reception portion of the evenin’! There’s a bar in the front.. and, if you’re ready to eat, line up in the rear!
Sully: Tommy! Please tell me you got that![ Tommy shakes the camera Yes ]
Sully: Good! ‘Cause..
Sully, Denise, Donny: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!“