SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 03/13/04: Donnie G. and Sidecar


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 15

03o: Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.

Donnie G. and Sidecar

Donnie G…..Ben Affleck
Sidecar…..Fred Amisen
Housewife…..Amy Poehler
Italian…..Horatio Sanz
Bank Teller…..Maya Rudolph

[ presented in black and white ] [ show Tab Masterson as Donnie G. on police motorbike remove his sunglasses and wink at the camera ] [ SUPER: “Tab Masterson” ] [ show Quentin Miller as Sidecar in the motorbike sidecar remove his goggles and smile at the camera ] [ SUPER: “Quentin Miller” ]

Announcer: “Donnie G. and Sidecar”.

[ show Donnie G. and Sidecar in the motorbike and sidecar riding up the street ] [ title card: “Donnie G. and Sidecar” ]

Announcer: Brought to you by Palmolive.

[ show Palmolive product card ]

Announcer: Episode 1: Killer on the Roof.

[ SUPER: “Episode 1: Killer on the Roof” ] [ dissolve to Housewife standing on the sidewalk, as Donnie G. and Sidecar rush into the scene ]

Housewife: I’m glad you’re here! I’m so scared! I think he’s on the roof!

Donnie G.: Relax, little lady. Donnie G. is here! When I’m around, nobody gets hurt. ‘Cause that’s the way Donnie G. does things.

Housewife: Just get him off the roof!

Sidecar: Yeah, uh.. hey, Donnie, before we do anything, uh.. can I just talk to you for a second?

Donnie G.: Sure, buddy, what’s on your mind?

Sidecar: Hey, you know how I ride in the sidecar?

Donnie G.: [ smiling ] Of course I do, Sidecar! That’s why I call you Sidecar!

Sidecar: Yeah, well, uh.. you put me on the curb a couple of times there. Just try to be careful.

Donnie G.: [ chuckling ] Oh, did I? I’m sorry, brother! I didn’t mean to surf the curb, I just got a lot on my mind! [ rubs Sidecar’s helmet, knocking his goggles to the pavement; Affleck smiles in surprise but doesn’t crack up ] You okay?

Sidecar: Yeah. Well, it just hurts my back a little biy.. it doesn’t have great shocks, and.. you know what I’m saying, right?

Donnie G.: [ bends down to retrieve Sidecar’s goggles ] Hang on to these, pal. You got it. Me and you, we’re a team!

Cycle Radio Voice: Donnie and Sidecar – you have a 10-20 in progress – over.

Donnie G.: 10-20? That’s disturbing the peace. We gotta go! I know a shortcut!

Sidecar: Alright, man, let’s get there!

[ Donnie G. and Sidecar rush out the scene ]

Housewife: But what about the killer on the roof?

[ shots ring out, as Housewife scatters along the sidewalk ]

Housewife: Oh! Oh! Oh!

[dissolve to Donnie G. and Sidecar on the road; Sidecar fidgets as Donnie G. drones on to himself ]

Sidecar: Hey!

Donnie G.: It sounds like it’s gang-related —

Sidecar: Donnie, there’s a mailbox!

Donnie G.: Boy, those gangs today —

Sidecar: Turn, there’s a mailbox!

Donnie G.: — will be sorry when they see me riding —

Sidecar: Mailbox!

Donnie G.: — my new motorcycle —

Sidecar: Mailbox! Mailbox, mailbox, mailbox!

[ a mailbox comes flying at Sidecar, knocking him unconcious ] [ dissolve to Italian standing in front of his restaurant, as Donnie G. rushes into the scene sans Sidecar ]

Italian: These boys are-a making-a too much noise! I hope those cycle cops show up soon! [ looks over ] Oh! Thank God you’re here! Hey! They only buy some stuff.. and they-a in here making too much noise!

Donnie G.: Noisemakers, huh? Sidecar, you go around back.

[ Sidecar hobbles into the scene, his goggles askew ]

Sidecar: Yeah, uh.. Donnie..

Donnie G.: What happened to you?

Sidecar: Remember how I kept saying.. “Mailbox” back there, all the time?

Donnie G.: Yeah, that was funny, what was that about?

Sidecar: Yeah. Well, I was saying that because you were about to slam into one of those gigantic, industrial mailboxes.

Donnie G.: Oh. Did I hit it?

Sidecar: You did. you did, very hard, and I think I blacked out there for a minute or two.

Donnie G.: Well, what do you want me to do?

Sidecar: Well.. I want you to calculate an extra five feet of space – on your right – for the sidecar, which I’m sitting in. That’s all you need to do.

Donnie G.: No problemo! I just got a lot on my mind these days!

Sidecar: Okay. Just try to remember that I’m sticking out on the side, and I don’t have any control —

Donnie G.: Right, right.

Sidecar: — It’s really scary for me.

Donnie G.: Yeah! No, I got it, I got it!

Cycle Radio Voice: There’s a 320 in progress, at the First National Bank.

Donnie G.: I know a shortcut through the park.

Sidecar: Alright. Let’s get there!

[ Donnie G. and Sidecar rush out the scene ]

Italian: Wait a minute! You didn’t do anything about the noisy people in here! [ looks at camera and smiles ] Oh, by the way.. I’m Italian!

[dissolve to Donnie G. and Sidecar on the road; Sidecar grips tightly to the back of the sidecar as Donnie G. fails to pay attention to him ]

Donnie G.: Boy, I’m glad I thought of this shortcut..

Sidecar: Donnie! There’s a huge family picnic!

Donnie G.: I’m gonna clean this city up —

Sidecar: Donnie! Try to turn!

Donnie G.: — or my name’s not —

Sidecar: There’s a kid, Donnie! There’s a kid!

[ a child bounces over Sidecar ]

Sidecar: Watch out! There’s a dog! A dog, dude!

[ a dog bounces over Sidecar ]

Sidecar: Please, please! Trash can! Trash can!

[ a trash can smacks Sidecar in the head ]

Sidecar: Buffet! Food!

[ pieces of food are scattered across Sidecar ]

Sidecar: Turn, please! There’s a grill! It’s a grill, Donnie!

[ Sidecar is knocked unconcious by the full force of a grill ]

Donnie G.: — I’ve gotta tell you, I sure love being Donnie G..

[ dissolve to Bank Teller standing outside thebank, as Donnie G. rushes into the scene sans Sidecar ]

Bank Teller: Robbery! Robbery! Somebody call the cycle cops! There are bank robbers in the bank where I work!

Donnie G.: Don’t worry, ma’am, help is here, in the form of me and Donnie G.’s sidekick – Sidecar! [ laughs ] You hear that one, Sidecar!

[ Sidecar hobbles into the scene, the grill attached to his stomach ]

Sidecar: It’s very funny. Great. Uh.. you see this, uh.. you see this grill around my neck?

Donnie G.: I see that. Why are you wearing that crazy thing! [ smiles ]

Sidecar: Well, uh.. you drove me through a. through a family picnic.

Donnie G.: No, I didn’t. I drove past a family picnic.

Sidecar: Yeah, but uh.. but the part I was in went right through it.

Donnie G.: That’s impossible! I left plenty of room on the left!

Sidecar: I’m on the right, Donnie.

Donnie G.: Oh. You’re right, my left.

Sidecar: No, it’s the same right, Donnie! [ aggravated ] Look, let’s do this – why don’t we switch, alright?

Donnie G.: Switch? Tell me how that’s gonna work? Your name is Sidecar! I mean.. if Sidecar isn’t in the sidecar, well.. that’s just too damn confusing!

Sidecar: Right. I can’t argue with that, but, uh.. do me a favor – just try to watch out for that space on the right. A little leewayt, that’d be great, I’d really appreicate it.

Donnie G.: No problem.

Cycle Radio Voice: Donnie G., Sidecar – there’s a 520 in progress at the malt shop.

Donnie G.: Uh-oh. I know a shortcut.

Sidecar: [ pleading ] Okay. How about this? What if we don’t take a shortcut, we just take Main Street right down the middle.

Donnie G.: Don’t worry, Sidecar, it’ll save time – it’s through the sword museum!

[ Donnie G. rushes out the scene as Sidecar relunctantly follows ] [ dissolve to title card: “Donnie G. and Sidecar” ]

Announcer: Next week, on “Donnie G. and Sidecar”..

[ dissolve to Donnie G. speaking at Sidecar’s funeral, at a podium in front of a framed photo titled: “Sidecar: 1925 – 1955” ]

Donnie G.: He was the best. I’ll always remember my little Sidecar, right there on my left.. I mean, my right.

[ dissolve to title card: “Donnie G. and Sidecar” ]

Announcer: That’s next week! On “Donnie G. and Sidecar”!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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