Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 15
Donnie G. and Sidecar
Donnie G…..Ben Affleck
Sidecar…..Fred Amisen
Housewife…..Amy Poehler
Italian…..Horatio Sanz
Bank Teller…..Maya Rudolph
[ presented in black and white ]
[ show Tab Masterson as Donnie G. on police motorbike remove his sunglasses and wink at the camera ]
[ SUPER: “Tab Masterson” ]
[ show Quentin Miller as Sidecar in the motorbike sidecar remove his goggles and smile at the camera ]
[ SUPER: “Quentin Miller” ]
Announcer: “Donnie G. and Sidecar”.
[ show Donnie G. and Sidecar in the motorbike and sidecar riding up the street ]
[ title card: “Donnie G. and Sidecar” ]
Announcer: Brought to you by Palmolive.
[ show Palmolive product card ]
Announcer: Episode 1: Killer on the Roof.
[ SUPER: “Episode 1: Killer on the Roof” ]
[ dissolve to Housewife standing on the sidewalk, as Donnie G. and Sidecar rush into the scene ]
Housewife: I’m glad you’re here! I’m so scared! I think he’s on the roof!
Donnie G.: Relax, little lady. Donnie G. is here! When I’m around, nobody gets hurt. ‘Cause that’s the way Donnie G. does things.
Housewife: Just get him off the roof!
Sidecar: Yeah, uh.. hey, Donnie, before we do anything, uh.. can I just talk to you for a second?
Donnie G.: Sure, buddy, what’s on your mind?
Sidecar: Hey, you know how I ride in the sidecar?
Donnie G.: [ smiling ] Of course I do, Sidecar! That’s why I call you Sidecar!
Sidecar: Yeah, well, uh.. you put me on the curb a couple of times there. Just try to be careful.
Donnie G.: [ chuckling ] Oh, did I? I’m sorry, brother! I didn’t mean to surf the curb, I just got a lot on my mind! [ rubs Sidecar’s helmet, knocking his goggles to the pavement; Affleck smiles in surprise but doesn’t crack up ] You okay?
Sidecar: Yeah. Well, it just hurts my back a little biy.. it doesn’t have great shocks, and.. you know what I’m saying, right?
Donnie G.: [ bends down to retrieve Sidecar’s goggles ] Hang on to these, pal. You got it. Me and you, we’re a team!
Cycle Radio Voice: Donnie and Sidecar – you have a 10-20 in progress – over.
Donnie G.: 10-20? That’s disturbing the peace. We gotta go! I know a shortcut!
Sidecar: Alright, man, let’s get there!
[ Donnie G. and Sidecar rush out the scene ]
Housewife: But what about the killer on the roof?
[ shots ring out, as Housewife scatters along the sidewalk ]
Housewife: Oh! Oh! Oh!
[dissolve to Donnie G. and Sidecar on the road; Sidecar fidgets as Donnie G. drones on to himself ]
Sidecar: Hey!
Donnie G.: It sounds like it’s gang-related —
Sidecar: Donnie, there’s a mailbox!
Donnie G.: Boy, those gangs today —
Sidecar: Turn, there’s a mailbox!
Donnie G.: — will be sorry when they see me riding —
Sidecar: Mailbox!
Donnie G.: — my new motorcycle —
Sidecar: Mailbox! Mailbox, mailbox, mailbox!
[ a mailbox comes flying at Sidecar, knocking him unconcious ]
[ dissolve to Italian standing in front of his restaurant, as Donnie G. rushes into the scene sans Sidecar ]
Italian: These boys are-a making-a too much noise! I hope those cycle cops show up soon! [ looks over ] Oh! Thank God you’re here! Hey! They only buy some stuff.. and they-a in here making too much noise!
Donnie G.: Noisemakers, huh? Sidecar, you go around back.
[ Sidecar hobbles into the scene, his goggles askew ]
Sidecar: Yeah, uh.. Donnie..
Donnie G.: What happened to you?
Sidecar: Remember how I kept saying.. “Mailbox” back there, all the time?
Donnie G.: Yeah, that was funny, what was that about?
Sidecar: Yeah. Well, I was saying that because you were about to slam into one of those gigantic, industrial mailboxes.
Donnie G.: Oh. Did I hit it?
Sidecar: You did. you did, very hard, and I think I blacked out there for a minute or two.
Donnie G.: Well, what do you want me to do?
Sidecar: Well.. I want you to calculate an extra five feet of space – on your right – for the sidecar, which I’m sitting in. That’s all you need to do.
Donnie G.: No problemo! I just got a lot on my mind these days!
Sidecar: Okay. Just try to remember that I’m sticking out on the side, and I don’t have any control —
Donnie G.: Right, right.
Sidecar: — It’s really scary for me.
Donnie G.: Yeah! No, I got it, I got it!
Cycle Radio Voice: There’s a 320 in progress, at the First National Bank.
Donnie G.: I know a shortcut through the park.
Sidecar: Alright. Let’s get there!
[ Donnie G. and Sidecar rush out the scene ]
Italian: Wait a minute! You didn’t do anything about the noisy people in here! [ looks at camera and smiles ] Oh, by the way.. I’m Italian!
[dissolve to Donnie G. and Sidecar on the road; Sidecar grips tightly to the back of the sidecar as Donnie G. fails to pay attention to him ]
Donnie G.: Boy, I’m glad I thought of this shortcut..
Sidecar: Donnie! There’s a huge family picnic!
Donnie G.: I’m gonna clean this city up —
Sidecar: Donnie! Try to turn!
Donnie G.: — or my name’s not —
Sidecar: There’s a kid, Donnie! There’s a kid!
[ a child bounces over Sidecar ]
Sidecar: Watch out! There’s a dog! A dog, dude!
[ a dog bounces over Sidecar ]
Sidecar: Please, please! Trash can! Trash can!
[ a trash can smacks Sidecar in the head ]
Sidecar: Buffet! Food!
[ pieces of food are scattered across Sidecar ]
Sidecar: Turn, please! There’s a grill! It’s a grill, Donnie!
[ Sidecar is knocked unconcious by the full force of a grill ]
Donnie G.: — I’ve gotta tell you, I sure love being Donnie G..
[ dissolve to Bank Teller standing outside thebank, as Donnie G. rushes into the scene sans Sidecar ]
Bank Teller: Robbery! Robbery! Somebody call the cycle cops! There are bank robbers in the bank where I work!
Donnie G.: Don’t worry, ma’am, help is here, in the form of me and Donnie G.’s sidekick – Sidecar! [ laughs ] You hear that one, Sidecar!
[ Sidecar hobbles into the scene, the grill attached to his stomach ]
Sidecar: It’s very funny. Great. Uh.. you see this, uh.. you see this grill around my neck?
Donnie G.: I see that. Why are you wearing that crazy thing! [ smiles ]
Sidecar: Well, uh.. you drove me through a. through a family picnic.
Donnie G.: No, I didn’t. I drove past a family picnic.
Sidecar: Yeah, but uh.. but the part I was in went right through it.
Donnie G.: That’s impossible! I left plenty of room on the left!
Sidecar: I’m on the right, Donnie.
Donnie G.: Oh. You’re right, my left.
Sidecar: No, it’s the same right, Donnie! [ aggravated ] Look, let’s do this – why don’t we switch, alright?
Donnie G.: Switch? Tell me how that’s gonna work? Your name is Sidecar! I mean.. if Sidecar isn’t in the sidecar, well.. that’s just too damn confusing!
Sidecar: Right. I can’t argue with that, but, uh.. do me a favor – just try to watch out for that space on the right. A little leewayt, that’d be great, I’d really appreicate it.
Donnie G.: No problem.
Cycle Radio Voice: Donnie G., Sidecar – there’s a 520 in progress at the malt shop.
Donnie G.: Uh-oh. I know a shortcut.
Sidecar: [ pleading ] Okay. How about this? What if we don’t take a shortcut, we just take Main Street right down the middle.
Donnie G.: Don’t worry, Sidecar, it’ll save time – it’s through the sword museum!
[ Donnie G. rushes out the scene as Sidecar relunctantly follows ]
[ dissolve to title card: “Donnie G. and Sidecar” ]
Announcer: Next week, on “Donnie G. and Sidecar”..
[ dissolve to Donnie G. speaking at Sidecar’s funeral, at a podium in front of a framed photo titled: “Sidecar: 1925 – 1955” ]
Donnie G.: He was the best. I’ll always remember my little Sidecar, right there on my left.. I mean, my right.
[ dissolve to title card: “Donnie G. and Sidecar” ]
Announcer: That’s next week! On “Donnie G. and Sidecar”!
[ fade ]
