SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 03/13/04: Donnie G. and Sidecar

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 15

03o: Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.

Donnie G. and Sidecar

Donnie G…..Ben Affleck
Sidecar…..Fred Amisen
Housewife…..Amy Poehler
Italian…..Horatio Sanz
Bank Teller…..Maya Rudolph

[ presented in black and white ] [ show Tab Masterson as Donnie G. on police motorbike remove his sunglasses and wink at the camera ] [ SUPER: “Tab Masterson” ] [ show Quentin Miller as Sidecar in the motorbike sidecar remove his goggles and smile at the camera ] [ SUPER: “Quentin Miller” ]

Announcer: “Donnie G. and Sidecar”.

[ show Donnie G. and Sidecar in the motorbike and sidecar riding up the street ] [ title card: “Donnie G. and Sidecar” ]

Announcer: Brought to you by Palmolive.

[ show Palmolive product card ]

Announcer: Episode 1: Killer on the Roof.

[ SUPER: “Episode 1: Killer on the Roof” ] [ dissolve to Housewife standing on the sidewalk, as Donnie G. and Sidecar rush into the scene ]

Housewife: I’m glad you’re here! I’m so scared! I think he’s on the roof!

Donnie G.: Relax, little lady. Donnie G. is here! When I’m around, nobody gets hurt. ‘Cause that’s the way Donnie G. does things.

Housewife: Just get him off the roof!

Sidecar: Yeah, uh.. hey, Donnie, before we do anything, uh.. can I just talk to you for a second?

Donnie G.: Sure, buddy, what’s on your mind?

Sidecar: Hey, you know how I ride in the sidecar?

Donnie G.: [ smiling ] Of course I do, Sidecar! That’s why I call you Sidecar!

Sidecar: Yeah, well, uh.. you put me on the curb a couple of times there. Just try to be careful.

Donnie G.: [ chuckling ] Oh, did I? I’m sorry, brother! I didn’t mean to surf the curb, I just got a lot on my mind! [ rubs Sidecar’s helmet, knocking his goggles to the pavement; Affleck smiles in surprise but doesn’t crack up ] You okay?

Sidecar: Yeah. Well, it just hurts my back a little biy.. it doesn’t have great shocks, and.. you know what I’m saying, right?

Donnie G.: [ bends down to retrieve Sidecar’s goggles ] Hang on to these, pal. You got it. Me and you, we’re a team!

Cycle Radio Voice: Donnie and Sidecar – you have a 10-20 in progress – over.

Donnie G.: 10-20? That’s disturbing the peace. We gotta go! I know a shortcut!

Sidecar: Alright, man, let’s get there!

[ Donnie G. and Sidecar rush out the scene ]

Housewife: But what about the killer on the roof?

[ shots ring out, as Housewife scatters along the sidewalk ]

Housewife: Oh! Oh! Oh!

[dissolve to Donnie G. and Sidecar on the road; Sidecar fidgets as Donnie G. drones on to himself ]

Sidecar: Hey!

Donnie G.: It sounds like it’s gang-related —

Sidecar: Donnie, there’s a mailbox!

Donnie G.: Boy, those gangs today —

Sidecar: Turn, there’s a mailbox!

Donnie G.: — will be sorry when they see me riding —

Sidecar: Mailbox!

Donnie G.: — my new motorcycle —

Sidecar: Mailbox! Mailbox, mailbox, mailbox!

[ a mailbox comes flying at Sidecar, knocking him unconcious ] [ dissolve to Italian standing in front of his restaurant, as Donnie G. rushes into the scene sans Sidecar ]

Italian: These boys are-a making-a too much noise! I hope those cycle cops show up soon! [ looks over ] Oh! Thank God you’re here! Hey! They only buy some stuff.. and they-a in here making too much noise!

Donnie G.: Noisemakers, huh? Sidecar, you go around back.

[ Sidecar hobbles into the scene, his goggles askew ]

Sidecar: Yeah, uh.. Donnie..

Donnie G.: What happened to you?

Sidecar: Remember how I kept saying.. “Mailbox” back there, all the time?

Donnie G.: Yeah, that was funny, what was that about?

Sidecar: Yeah. Well, I was saying that because you were about to slam into one of those gigantic, industrial mailboxes.

Donnie G.: Oh. Did I hit it?

Sidecar: You did. you did, very hard, and I think I blacked out there for a minute or two.

Donnie G.: Well, what do you want me to do?

Sidecar: Well.. I want you to calculate an extra five feet of space – on your right – for the sidecar, which I’m sitting in. That’s all you need to do.

Donnie G.: No problemo! I just got a lot on my mind these days!

Sidecar: Okay. Just try to remember that I’m sticking out on the side, and I don’t have any control —

Donnie G.: Right, right.

Sidecar: — It’s really scary for me.

Donnie G.: Yeah! No, I got it, I got it!

Cycle Radio Voice: There’s a 320 in progress, at the First National Bank.

Donnie G.: I know a shortcut through the park.

Sidecar: Alright. Let’s get there!

[ Donnie G. and Sidecar rush out the scene ]

Italian: Wait a minute! You didn’t do anything about the noisy people in here! [ looks at camera and smiles ] Oh, by the way.. I’m Italian!

[dissolve to Donnie G. and Sidecar on the road; Sidecar grips tightly to the back of the sidecar as Donnie G. fails to pay attention to him ]

Donnie G.: Boy, I’m glad I thought of this shortcut..

Sidecar: Donnie! There’s a huge family picnic!

Donnie G.: I’m gonna clean this city up —

Sidecar: Donnie! Try to turn!

Donnie G.: — or my name’s not —

Sidecar: There’s a kid, Donnie! There’s a kid!

[ a child bounces over Sidecar ]

Sidecar: Watch out! There’s a dog! A dog, dude!

[ a dog bounces over Sidecar ]

Sidecar: Please, please! Trash can! Trash can!

[ a trash can smacks Sidecar in the head ]

Sidecar: Buffet! Food!

[ pieces of food are scattered across Sidecar ]

Sidecar: Turn, please! There’s a grill! It’s a grill, Donnie!

[ Sidecar is knocked unconcious by the full force of a grill ]

Donnie G.: — I’ve gotta tell you, I sure love being Donnie G..

[ dissolve to Bank Teller standing outside thebank, as Donnie G. rushes into the scene sans Sidecar ]

Bank Teller: Robbery! Robbery! Somebody call the cycle cops! There are bank robbers in the bank where I work!

Donnie G.: Don’t worry, ma’am, help is here, in the form of me and Donnie G.’s sidekick – Sidecar! [ laughs ] You hear that one, Sidecar!

[ Sidecar hobbles into the scene, the grill attached to his stomach ]

Sidecar: It’s very funny. Great. Uh.. you see this, uh.. you see this grill around my neck?

Donnie G.: I see that. Why are you wearing that crazy thing! [ smiles ]

Sidecar: Well, uh.. you drove me through a. through a family picnic.

Donnie G.: No, I didn’t. I drove past a family picnic.

Sidecar: Yeah, but uh.. but the part I was in went right through it.

Donnie G.: That’s impossible! I left plenty of room on the left!

Sidecar: I’m on the right, Donnie.

Donnie G.: Oh. You’re right, my left.

Sidecar: No, it’s the same right, Donnie! [ aggravated ] Look, let’s do this – why don’t we switch, alright?

Donnie G.: Switch? Tell me how that’s gonna work? Your name is Sidecar! I mean.. if Sidecar isn’t in the sidecar, well.. that’s just too damn confusing!

Sidecar: Right. I can’t argue with that, but, uh.. do me a favor – just try to watch out for that space on the right. A little leewayt, that’d be great, I’d really appreicate it.

Donnie G.: No problem.

Cycle Radio Voice: Donnie G., Sidecar – there’s a 520 in progress at the malt shop.

Donnie G.: Uh-oh. I know a shortcut.

Sidecar: [ pleading ] Okay. How about this? What if we don’t take a shortcut, we just take Main Street right down the middle.

Donnie G.: Don’t worry, Sidecar, it’ll save time – it’s through the sword museum!

[ Donnie G. rushes out the scene as Sidecar relunctantly follows ] [ dissolve to title card: “Donnie G. and Sidecar” ]

Announcer: Next week, on “Donnie G. and Sidecar”..

[ dissolve to Donnie G. speaking at Sidecar’s funeral, at a podium in front of a framed photo titled: “Sidecar: 1925 – 1955” ]

Donnie G.: He was the best. I’ll always remember my little Sidecar, right there on my left.. I mean, my right.

[ dissolve to title card: “Donnie G. and Sidecar” ]

Announcer: That’s next week! On “Donnie G. and Sidecar”!

[ fade ]

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