Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 15
Gigli
Director…..Amy Poehler
…..Ben Affleck
Justin…..Chris Parnell
Frondi…..Fred Armisen
[ open on interior movie studio, as “Gigli” is being filmed ]
Director: Okay, Ben. This is Justin – he’s playing Brian, the mentally-challenged guy that you’re kidnapping.
[ Ben and Justin exchange their pleasantries ]
Director: So, Ben – your mark’s right over here, have a seat.
Ben Affleck: Okay, great.
Director: And, um.. just so you’re aware – a lot of these extras are really mentally-challenged people. So.. please try to be sensitive.
Ben Affleck: Oh, yeah. Sure. [ turns to the mentally-challenged people ] Hi, guys! Hi, everyboy!
Mentally-Challenged People: Huh-hiii!
Ben Affleck: [ to Justin ] Alright, uh.. you want to run lines?
Justin: Uh.. sure. [ recites his line ] “Are we going to the Baywatch?”
Ben Affleck: “Yeah, Brian.. you gotta come with me to the Baywatch.”
Justin: “Are we going to the Baywatch?”
Ben Affleck: “Yeah, we’re going to go to the Baywatch.” Okay, we got it!
Director: Okay, everybody, then.. we’re making just a little lighting adjustment, so if you could bare with us..
Justin: Okay.
Ben Affleck: No problem.
[ mentally-challenged Frondi, leans over from the next table ]
Frondi: Ben! Ben!
Ben Affleck: [ turns to face the guy ] Yeah, what’s up?
Frondi: I’m your faaaaan.
Ben Affleck: Great.. great. thanks, man, what’s your name?
Frondi: Frondi!
Ben Affleck: Okay.. Hi, Frondi.
Frondi: Hiii!
Director: Okay, everybody. We’re ready. We’re ready to try one. Everybody ready, feeling good? Okay, great! “Gigli”, Scene 7, take 1.
Off-Camera Voice: Action!
[ Frondi leans into the frame each time, appearing lost and wayward ]
Ben Affleck: “Brian. You gotta come with me. Brian? Okay?”
Justin: “Are we going to the Baywatch?”
Ben Affleck: “What? No – yeah. Yeah, we’re going to go to the Baywatch.”
Off-Camera Voice: Cut!
Director: Okay, cutting, everybody – cutting. I’m sorry, Justin, I think they want you to chage your shirt, okay?
Justin: Oh.
[ Justin exits the scene to change his shirt ]
Director: We’ll just be a minute, then.
Frondi: Ben! Ben!
Ben Affleck: Yeah, Frondi.
Frondi: I don’t think this movie’s gonna worrrk.
Ben Affleck: What?
Frondi: Well, the script has a lot of hoooles in it.
Ben Affleck: That’s not a very nice thing to say, Frondi..
Frondi: Be-e-e-ennn.. it’s got lo-gic prob-lems.. and it’s too talky.
Ben Affleck: Well.. that’s your opinion.
[ Justin returns to the scene, wearing a different colored shirt ]
Director: Okay, everybody, let’s go again. Everybody, ready? Quiet, plese – we’re going again. “Gigli”, Scene 7, take 2.
Off-Camera Voice: Action!
Ben Affleck: “Brian. You gotta come with me. Okay?”
Justin: “Ar-are we going to the Baywatch?”
Ben Affleck: “What? No – yeah. Yeah, we’re going to go to the Baywatch.”
Off-Camera Voice: And.. cut!
Director: Cutting, everybody – we’re cutting. Could we please get a touch-up for Ben, please? Touch-up over here? Thank you.
Frondi: Ben! Be-e-en!
Ben Affleck: Yes, Frondi?
Frondi: Audiences don’t like to see real-life couples on the scree-eennn.
Ben Affleck: Really, Frondi?
Frondi: They find it off-putting!
Ben Affleck: And, how do you know all this stuff, Frondi?
Frondi: Well.. “Eyes Wide Shut”.. “The Marrying Man”.. “Shanghai Surprise”..
Ben Affleck: Well.. “Gigli”‘s gonna break the mold, alright?
Frondi: “Gigli”‘s a terrible title.
Ben Affleck: [ aggravated ] You know what?! I don’t think it is! I think you’re wrong! I think people are going to say, “Hey! That sounds interesting! How do you pronounce that – is it “Jiggly”, is it “Gigli”? It’s an interactive title! It’s a water cooler’s topic of conversation! I think it’s great!
Frondi: Yeah, yeah – no!
Ben Affleck: Uh.. no offense, Frondi, but I think I know a little mroe about this stuff than you do. And I think “Gigli” is going to be a big, big hit!
Frondi: I don’t think so.
Director: Okay, everybody – quiet. We’re going again. And.. “Gigli”, Scene 7, take 3.
Off-Camera Voice: Action!
Ben Affleck: [ distracted ] “Brian.. you gotta come with me to the Baywatch..”
Justin: “Ar-are we going to the Baywatch?”
Ben Affleck: “Yeah, no, what, we’re going to the Baywatch..”
Off-Camera Voice: And.. cut!
Ben Affleck: [ turns to Frondi ] You know something, Frondi?! You epitomize the kind of fear-based Hollywood thinking I’m trying to get away from with this picture!!
Frondi: Yeah.. well.. it’s your funeral, Ben.
Ben Affleck: Yeah, it is, Frondi.. yes, it is my funeral.
Frondi: And then youre falling in love with the lesbian again? Oh, brother.. I didnt like it the first time, when it was called “Chasing Amy”.
Ben Affleck: [ outraged ] Why don’t you SHUT UP, you ASS!!
[ the room grows silent ]
Director: Oh, my God.. Ben Affleck just yelled at that mentally-challenged guy!
Ben Affleck: [ desperately ] No, I didn’t! I was kidding!
[ cut to spinning edition of The National Enquirer, with headlines: “Affleck Mean To The Mentally Challenged” and “Frondi vs. William Hung” ]
[ edition of a spinning People: Mentally Challenged lands, with Frondi giving thumbs-up thumbs-down on the cover with headlines: “Gigli Reviewed Inside” ]
[ edition of a spinning Us lands, with headine: “Bennifer Split Over Frondi?” ]
[ fade ]