SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 03/13/04: Gigli

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 15

03o: Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.


Director…..Amy Poehler
…..Ben Affleck
Justin…..Chris Parnell
Frondi…..Fred Armisen

[ open on interior movie studio, as “Gigli” is being filmed ]

Director: Okay, Ben. This is Justin – he’s playing Brian, the mentally-challenged guy that you’re kidnapping.

[ Ben and Justin exchange their pleasantries ]

Director: So, Ben – your mark’s right over here, have a seat.

Ben Affleck: Okay, great.

Director: And, um.. just so you’re aware – a lot of these extras are really mentally-challenged people. So.. please try to be sensitive.

Ben Affleck: Oh, yeah. Sure. [ turns to the mentally-challenged people ] Hi, guys! Hi, everyboy!

Mentally-Challenged People: Huh-hiii!

Ben Affleck: [ to Justin ] Alright, uh.. you want to run lines?

Justin: Uh.. sure. [ recites his line ] “Are we going to the Baywatch?”

Ben Affleck: “Yeah, Brian.. you gotta come with me to the Baywatch.”

Justin: “Are we going to the Baywatch?”

Ben Affleck: “Yeah, we’re going to go to the Baywatch.” Okay, we got it!

Director: Okay, everybody, then.. we’re making just a little lighting adjustment, so if you could bare with us..

Justin: Okay.

Ben Affleck: No problem.

[ mentally-challenged Frondi, leans over from the next table ]

Frondi: Ben! Ben!

Ben Affleck: [ turns to face the guy ] Yeah, what’s up?

Frondi: I’m your faaaaan.

Ben Affleck: Great.. great. thanks, man, what’s your name?

Frondi: Frondi!

Ben Affleck: Okay.. Hi, Frondi.

Frondi: Hiii!

Director: Okay, everybody. We’re ready. We’re ready to try one. Everybody ready, feeling good? Okay, great! “Gigli”, Scene 7, take 1.

Off-Camera Voice: Action!

[ Frondi leans into the frame each time, appearing lost and wayward ]

Ben Affleck: “Brian. You gotta come with me. Brian? Okay?”

Justin: “Are we going to the Baywatch?”

Ben Affleck: “What? No – yeah. Yeah, we’re going to go to the Baywatch.”

Off-Camera Voice: Cut!

Director: Okay, cutting, everybody – cutting. I’m sorry, Justin, I think they want you to chage your shirt, okay?

Justin: Oh.

[ Justin exits the scene to change his shirt ]

Director: We’ll just be a minute, then.

Frondi: Ben! Ben!

Ben Affleck: Yeah, Frondi.

Frondi: I don’t think this movie’s gonna worrrk.

Ben Affleck: What?

Frondi: Well, the script has a lot of hoooles in it.

Ben Affleck: That’s not a very nice thing to say, Frondi..

Frondi: Be-e-e-ennn.. it’s got lo-gic prob-lems.. and it’s too talky.

Ben Affleck: Well.. that’s your opinion.

[ Justin returns to the scene, wearing a different colored shirt ]

Director: Okay, everybody, let’s go again. Everybody, ready? Quiet, plese – we’re going again. “Gigli”, Scene 7, take 2.

Off-Camera Voice: Action!

Ben Affleck: “Brian. You gotta come with me. Okay?”

Justin: “Ar-are we going to the Baywatch?”

Ben Affleck: “What? No – yeah. Yeah, we’re going to go to the Baywatch.”

Off-Camera Voice: And.. cut!

Director: Cutting, everybody – we’re cutting. Could we please get a touch-up for Ben, please? Touch-up over here? Thank you.

Frondi: Ben! Be-e-en!

Ben Affleck: Yes, Frondi?

Frondi: Audiences don’t like to see real-life couples on the scree-eennn.

Ben Affleck: Really, Frondi?

Frondi: They find it off-putting!

Ben Affleck: And, how do you know all this stuff, Frondi?

Frondi: Well.. “Eyes Wide Shut”.. “The Marrying Man”.. “Shanghai Surprise”..

Ben Affleck: Well.. “Gigli”‘s gonna break the mold, alright?

Frondi: “Gigli”‘s a terrible title.

Ben Affleck: [ aggravated ] You know what?! I don’t think it is! I think you’re wrong! I think people are going to say, “Hey! That sounds interesting! How do you pronounce that – is it “Jiggly”, is it “Gigli”? It’s an interactive title! It’s a water cooler’s topic of conversation! I think it’s great!

Frondi: Yeah, yeah – no!

Ben Affleck: Uh.. no offense, Frondi, but I think I know a little mroe about this stuff than you do. And I think “Gigli” is going to be a big, big hit!

Frondi: I don’t think so.

Director: Okay, everybody – quiet. We’re going again. And.. “Gigli”, Scene 7, take 3.

Off-Camera Voice: Action!

Ben Affleck: [ distracted ] “Brian.. you gotta come with me to the Baywatch..”

Justin: “Ar-are we going to the Baywatch?”

Ben Affleck: “Yeah, no, what, we’re going to the Baywatch..”

Off-Camera Voice: And.. cut!

Ben Affleck: [ turns to Frondi ] You know something, Frondi?! You epitomize the kind of fear-based Hollywood thinking I’m trying to get away from with this picture!!

Frondi: Yeah.. well.. it’s your funeral, Ben.

Ben Affleck: Yeah, it is, Frondi.. yes, it is my funeral.

Frondi: And then you’re falling in love with the lesbian again? Oh, brother.. I didn’t like it the first time, when it was called “Chasing Amy”.

Ben Affleck: [ outraged ] Why don’t you SHUT UP, you ASS!!

[ the room grows silent ]

Director: Oh, my God.. Ben Affleck just yelled at that mentally-challenged guy!

Ben Affleck: [ desperately ] No, I didn’t! I was kidding!

[ cut to spinning edition of The National Enquirer, with headlines: “Affleck Mean To The Mentally Challenged” and “Frondi vs. William Hung” ] [ edition of a spinning People: Mentally Challenged lands, with Frondi giving thumbs-up thumbs-down on the cover with headlines: “Gigli Reviewed Inside” ] [ edition of a spinning Us lands, with headine: “Bennifer Split Over Frondi?” ] [ fade ]

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