SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 03/13/04: Gigli


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 15

03o: Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.


Director…..Amy Poehler
…..Ben Affleck
Justin…..Chris Parnell
Frondi…..Fred Armisen

[ open on interior movie studio, as “Gigli” is being filmed ]

Director: Okay, Ben. This is Justin – he’s playing Brian, the mentally-challenged guy that you’re kidnapping.

[ Ben and Justin exchange their pleasantries ]

Director: So, Ben – your mark’s right over here, have a seat.

Ben Affleck: Okay, great.

Director: And, um.. just so you’re aware – a lot of these extras are really mentally-challenged people. So.. please try to be sensitive.

Ben Affleck: Oh, yeah. Sure. [ turns to the mentally-challenged people ] Hi, guys! Hi, everyboy!

Mentally-Challenged People: Huh-hiii!

Ben Affleck: [ to Justin ] Alright, uh.. you want to run lines?

Justin: Uh.. sure. [ recites his line ] “Are we going to the Baywatch?”

Ben Affleck: “Yeah, Brian.. you gotta come with me to the Baywatch.”

Justin: “Are we going to the Baywatch?”

Ben Affleck: “Yeah, we’re going to go to the Baywatch.” Okay, we got it!

Director: Okay, everybody, then.. we’re making just a little lighting adjustment, so if you could bare with us..

Justin: Okay.

Ben Affleck: No problem.

[ mentally-challenged Frondi, leans over from the next table ]

Frondi: Ben! Ben!

Ben Affleck: [ turns to face the guy ] Yeah, what’s up?

Frondi: I’m your faaaaan.

Ben Affleck: Great.. great. thanks, man, what’s your name?

Frondi: Frondi!

Ben Affleck: Okay.. Hi, Frondi.

Frondi: Hiii!

Director: Okay, everybody. We’re ready. We’re ready to try one. Everybody ready, feeling good? Okay, great! “Gigli”, Scene 7, take 1.

Off-Camera Voice: Action!

[ Frondi leans into the frame each time, appearing lost and wayward ]

Ben Affleck: “Brian. You gotta come with me. Brian? Okay?”

Justin: “Are we going to the Baywatch?”

Ben Affleck: “What? No – yeah. Yeah, we’re going to go to the Baywatch.”

Off-Camera Voice: Cut!

Director: Okay, cutting, everybody – cutting. I’m sorry, Justin, I think they want you to chage your shirt, okay?

Justin: Oh.

[ Justin exits the scene to change his shirt ]

Director: We’ll just be a minute, then.

Frondi: Ben! Ben!

Ben Affleck: Yeah, Frondi.

Frondi: I don’t think this movie’s gonna worrrk.

Ben Affleck: What?

Frondi: Well, the script has a lot of hoooles in it.

Ben Affleck: That’s not a very nice thing to say, Frondi..

Frondi: Be-e-e-ennn.. it’s got lo-gic prob-lems.. and it’s too talky.

Ben Affleck: Well.. that’s your opinion.

[ Justin returns to the scene, wearing a different colored shirt ]

Director: Okay, everybody, let’s go again. Everybody, ready? Quiet, plese – we’re going again. “Gigli”, Scene 7, take 2.

Off-Camera Voice: Action!

Ben Affleck: “Brian. You gotta come with me. Okay?”

Justin: “Ar-are we going to the Baywatch?”

Ben Affleck: “What? No – yeah. Yeah, we’re going to go to the Baywatch.”

Off-Camera Voice: And.. cut!

Director: Cutting, everybody – we’re cutting. Could we please get a touch-up for Ben, please? Touch-up over here? Thank you.

Frondi: Ben! Be-e-en!

Ben Affleck: Yes, Frondi?

Frondi: Audiences don’t like to see real-life couples on the scree-eennn.

Ben Affleck: Really, Frondi?

Frondi: They find it off-putting!

Ben Affleck: And, how do you know all this stuff, Frondi?

Frondi: Well.. “Eyes Wide Shut”.. “The Marrying Man”.. “Shanghai Surprise”..

Ben Affleck: Well.. “Gigli”‘s gonna break the mold, alright?

Frondi: “Gigli”‘s a terrible title.

Ben Affleck: [ aggravated ] You know what?! I don’t think it is! I think you’re wrong! I think people are going to say, “Hey! That sounds interesting! How do you pronounce that – is it “Jiggly”, is it “Gigli”? It’s an interactive title! It’s a water cooler’s topic of conversation! I think it’s great!

Frondi: Yeah, yeah – no!

Ben Affleck: Uh.. no offense, Frondi, but I think I know a little mroe about this stuff than you do. And I think “Gigli” is going to be a big, big hit!

Frondi: I don’t think so.

Director: Okay, everybody – quiet. We’re going again. And.. “Gigli”, Scene 7, take 3.

Off-Camera Voice: Action!

Ben Affleck: [ distracted ] “Brian.. you gotta come with me to the Baywatch..”

Justin: “Ar-are we going to the Baywatch?”

Ben Affleck: “Yeah, no, what, we’re going to the Baywatch..”

Off-Camera Voice: And.. cut!

Ben Affleck: [ turns to Frondi ] You know something, Frondi?! You epitomize the kind of fear-based Hollywood thinking I’m trying to get away from with this picture!!

Frondi: Yeah.. well.. it’s your funeral, Ben.

Ben Affleck: Yeah, it is, Frondi.. yes, it is my funeral.

Frondi: And then you’re falling in love with the lesbian again? Oh, brother.. I didn’t like it the first time, when it was called “Chasing Amy”.

Ben Affleck: [ outraged ] Why don’t you SHUT UP, you ASS!!

[ the room grows silent ]

Director: Oh, my God.. Ben Affleck just yelled at that mentally-challenged guy!

Ben Affleck: [ desperately ] No, I didn’t! I was kidding!

[ cut to spinning edition of The National Enquirer, with headlines: “Affleck Mean To The Mentally Challenged” and “Frondi vs. William Hung” ] [ edition of a spinning People: Mentally Challenged lands, with Frondi giving thumbs-up thumbs-down on the cover with headlines: “Gigli Reviewed Inside” ] [ edition of a spinning Us lands, with headine: “Bennifer Split Over Frondi?” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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