SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 03/13/04: The Full Moon Killer


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 15

03o: Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.

The Full Moon Killer

Alan…Ben Affleck
Glenn…Chris Parnell
Female Coworker…Amy Poehler
Steve…Will Forte

[open on an office break room]

Glenn: You know about that serial killer the papers are calling “The Full Moon Killer?”

Alan: [very cultured voice] I know of him. I know he takes his victims each month on the full moon. I know he’s a brilliant psychopath who has struck fear into the heart of the city. I know he has those bumbling police running in circles. [chuckles] Yes, circles as perfect and round as the moon itself. [sips coffee]

Female: Well, then you must have heard the good news, then.

Alan: Good news? Can’t be that they caught him. Because I think I would know if the Full Moon Killer was finished with his bloody but delicate work. At any rate, we’ll soon know, as this month’s full moon fast approaches. [sips coffee]

Glenn: Well, that’s just the thing. This month’s full moon was last night, and he didn’t kill anyone.

Alan: [spits coffee] What’s that now?

Female: Yeah, last night the full moon came and went and there was no murder.

Alan: No, that’s not possible. I happen to follow astronomy, and the full moon is tomorrow. Tomorrow.

Glenn: Well… [lifts newspaper from table and reads] “For the first time in a year, the full moon came and went without a victim.

Alan: This is inconceivable.

Female: Well, it’s true. That pervert may finally be done with his killing spree.

Alan: First of all, [forcefully puts down coffee mug] I doubt he’s a pervert. He’s probably a refined gentleman: rakish, devilishly handsome, cunning. Cunning as the wind. Second of all, it’s not a “kiling spree.” It’s the glorious will of my master! I mean his master, not my master. And third, the full moon is tomorrow night. Tomorrow!

Female: Wow, you’re really invested in what night the full moon is, Alan.

Alan: Ah, no. No. It’s just, from what I read about the Full Moon Killer–who, by the way, would prefer to be called “Lunarius, disciple of Vorp”–he’s a pretty together guy, and if his refrigerator tells him to kill someone every full moon until his mommy comes back to life, well, then, by Jove he’s gonna do it!

Steve: Hey, did you guys hear about how that moon weirdo forgot to kill anyone this month?

Female: Yeah, what a jerk.

Alan: You know what? Maybe the jerk is Janice from accounting, who went on maternity leave and dumped all of her work in the Full Moon Killer’s lap! I mean, he didn’t even have time to think straight, let alone kill anybody. [Glenn and female coworker begin chuckling] Boy, when his refrigerator hears about this… [notices laughter] What’s so funny? Don’t you laugh at me! Don’t you laugh at me!

Female: Alan, we’re messing with you! The full moon’s not until tomorrow.

Glenn: Dude, this is the sports section. [lifts paper again] I was totally BSing you.

Alan: Wait a minute. Does that mean you guys know?

Glenn: That you’re the Full Moon Killer–oh, sorry, [air quotes] “Lunarius?” We had an idea.

Steve: I mean, you left your manifesto on your desk the other week. By the way, “sex zombie” ends “ie,” not “y.”

Alan: [jovially] Oh, man, you read that?! That’s private, Steve. I mean, I am so embarrassed. I’m so one of those guys who wants to get caught, you know? I never thought I would be, but I am.

Female: You totally are. You totally, totally are!

Alan: I can’t believe this! Not funny, you guys! [waggles admonishing finger] Not funny, Glenn!

Female: Oh, man, the look on your face was classic.

Glenn: [mimicks Alan] Oh, ah, there’s just no way that he would forget to, ah, kill someone, ah, er…

Alan: I am never gonna hear the end of this, you pranksters.

Steve: Well, to be fair, it was mostly Glenn’s idea. [points at Glenn] [Glenn holds up his hands and nods acknowledgingly]

Alan: Well, then the joke’s on him, because he’s gonna be my next victim!

Glenn: Oooooh.

[scene freezes] [narrator and title: AND HE WAS!]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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