Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 16
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:
April 3rd, 2004
Donald Trump
Toots and the Maytals
None
Carolyn Kepcher
George Ross
Ben Harper
Jack Johnson
The Roots
Daniel Bedingfield
The ApprenticeSummary: In a parody of “The Apprentice”, Donald Trump must choose to fire Amy Poehler, Jimmy Fallon or Finesse Mitchell. Lorne Michaels wants in on the fun, too.
Note: Donald Trump wanted to deliver the opening line, but it was given to Carolyn Kepcher instead because “he’s already a billionaire.”
Transcript
MontageNote: Lindsay Lohan was originally slated to host this episode, but was pushed back in order to coincide with the theatrical release of “Mean Girls.”
Donald Trump’s MonologueSummary: After stroking his ego, Donald Trump authorizes his back-up Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) to fire Jeff Zucker (Jimmy Fallon).
Recurring Characters: Donald Trump, Jeff Zucker.
Bio: Billionaire real estate mogul Donald Trump (1946-) joined the reality TV craze with the advent of “The Apprentice.”
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Fear Factor JuniorSummary: Joe Rogan (Fred Armisen) puts grade schoolers to the test.
Note: The dad is played by Rob Riggle, who will join the cast of SNL next season as a featured performer.
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Live! with Regis & KellySummary: Regis Philbin’s (Darrell Hammond) close, personal friend Donald Trump controls his own ratings during an interview.
Recurring Characters: Regis Philbin, Kelly Ripa.
Star JonesSummary: As he walks away from the “Live!” set, Donald Trump runs into Star Jones (Kenan Thompson) in the audience.
Recurring Characters: Star Jones.
Donald Trump’s House of WingsSummary: Following the styles of Derek Jeter and Rev. Al Sharpton, Donald Trump opens his own corny theme restaurant.
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Toots and the Maytals with Ben Harper and Jack Johnson perform “Love Gonna Walk Out on Me”Bio: Frederick “Toots” Hibbert, Raleigh Gordon and Jerry Matthias formed reggae/ska group Toots and the Maytals in the late 1960’s. They disbanded in the early 1980’s, but reformed during the following decade.
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Tina Fey doesn’t want to go through with revamped “Weekend Trump Date” format. Odd things fall on an irate Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth’s (Maya Rudolph) head during her guest commentary.
Note: Cut segments include: Chris Parnell as a movie critic, and a Boston Red Sox commentary by Seth Meyers.
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The Prince and the PauperSummary: A bored Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) trades places with a janitor (Donald Trump).
Recurring Characters: Donald Trump.
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Fathers and SonsSummary: Peter Fleck (Seth Meyers) tries to connect with his tough-love dad (Donald Trump).
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9/11 HearingsSummary: Richard Clarke (Darrell Hammond) proclaims his advanced knowledge of 9/11.
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Toots and the Maytals with Bootsy Collins & The Roots perform “Funky Kingston”
The Apprentice BandSummary: Donald Trump, George Ross (Fred Armisen) and Carolyn Kepcher (Amy Poehler) practice their band with a performance of “She’s Got Class.”
GoodnightsTranscript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Star Jones IISummary: Star Jones (Kenan Thompson) stops Donald Trump once again, to discuss “American Idol” with him.
Recurring Characters: Star Jones, Al Reynolds.
TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel presents a cartoon about Donald Trump.
A Private MomentSummary: Donald Trump shares a private moment with his money, then shreds it.
Trump’s BookSummary: Donald Trump writes a love story but releases it on audio.
Meet The PressSummary: A song braks out as Tim Russert (Darrell Hammond) interviews Condoleeza Rice (Maya Rudolph).
Recurring Characters: Tim Russert, Condoleeza Rice.
Star Jones IIISummary: Star Jones (Kenan Thompson) follows Donald Trump through the studio, then breaks up with her fiance, Al Reynolds (Finesse Mitchell).
Recurring Characters: Star Jones, Al Reynolds.
Jayson WilliamsSummary: Jayson Williams (Finesse Mitchell) discusses his recent scandal with his lawyer (Donald Trump).
Note: This sketch is also cut from next week’s episode with Janet Jackson.
