SNL Transcripts: Donald Trump: 04/03/04: The Apprentice


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 16

03p: Donald Trump / Toots and the Maytals

The Apprentice
..written by: Tina Fey

…..Donald Trump
…..George Ross
…..Carolyn Kepcher
…..Amy Poehler
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Finesse Mitchell
…..Lorne Michaels

[ open on title card “Saturday Night Live”, parodying the title card for “The Apprentice” ] [ dissolve to Donald Trump, Carolyn Kepcher and George Ross sitting at a table facing Amy Poehler, Jimmy Fallon and Finesse Mitchell ]

Donald Trump: Amy.. Jimmy.. Finesse – your task for this week was to prepare an episode of “Saturday Night Live” for me to host. We just finished the dress rehearsal – how do you think it went?

Amy, Jimmy, Finesse: Uh, good.. pretty good.. strong.

Donald Trump: Finesse. What do you think of the dress rehearsal, how did it go?

Finesse Mitchell: I thought it was strong.

Donald Trump: And, Amy – the show we’re about to do, do you think it’as going to be a good one.

Amy Poehler: [ feigning confidence ] Yes. Sure. Absolutely.

Donald Trump: George. What did you think of the dress rehearsal?

George Ross: I thought it sucked!

Donald Trump: That’s George. Did you hear that? George thought it sucked!

Amy Poehler: Well, Mr. Trump – maybe we didn’t achieve our main goal of getting people to laugh.. but, um.. I think we functioned as a team, and I think we communicated strongly, and I think we had a good dynamic.

Donald Trump: Well, I didn’t see a lot of communication. Finesse barely.. said.. anything!

Finesse Mitchell: Well.. I’m new.

Donald Trump: [ points to Jimmy ] This idiot, was laughing the whole time.

[ Jimmy smiles smugly ]

Donald Trump: Basically, what happened here – you failed! Who’s to blame? Jimmy?

Jimmy Fallon: That lady? [ points to Carolyn ]

Donald Trump: You want to blame Carolyn? What do you say to Carolyn? What are you doing? What do you think?

Carolyn Kepcher: Jimmy, you never really impressed me.

Donald Trump: Listen. Somebody here.. somebody here’s gotta take responsibility for this mess! ‘Cause it’s not funny! Amy. Give me a reason.. why you should stay?

Amy Poehler: I’m very funny. I do very funny characters and voices. Like, uh.. [ in Pee-Wee Herman-style voice ] “Hey, everybody! How’s it going!” Uh.. I have a lot of energy, and I’m a leader.

Donald Trump: That’s just great. Jimmy. You were the project manager in this – who do you think should get fired?

Jimmy Fallon: Uh.. if Carolyn’s out of the running, then, uh.. Finesse.

Donald Trump: Why Finesse?

Jimmy Fallon: Because.. because Amy and I have a standing agreement, that if we got in here, we’d pick Finesse.

Finesse Mitchell: What?!

Donald Trump: Finesse, what do you think of that?

Finesse Mitchell: First of all, nobody’s firing me, because there’s only four black people on NBC! Now, when you think about it – you have me, you have Kenan, you have Kwame, and you have Whoopi! Come on!

Donald Trump: Well, you know, that’s very true. Who should I fire, Amy?

Amy Poehler: Uh.. fire Jimmy, I guess..

Jimy Fallon: What?! We had an agreement!

Amy Poehler: Yeah? Well, I didn’t come on “SNL” to make friends – I came to win!

Donald Trump: Alright, look. Give me a few minutes, I want to make a decision.

[ dissolve to “Frasier” promo ]

Announcer: This week on the almost final episode of “Frasier” – will Niles and Daphne ever find — aghh, who cares! “Frasier”, on NBC.

[ dissolve back to “The Apprentice” ]

Donald Trump: Alright. I’ve made my decision. Jimmy.. you’re fired.

[ Lorne Michaels enters ]

Lorne Michaels: Hold on, Trump. This is my show. I’ll handle this.

[ Jimmy Fallon is ecstatic at Lorne’s presence to presumably save his butt ]

Lorne Michaels: Jimmy, you’re fired. [ a beat ] But I really, really enjoyed working with you.

Jimmy Fallon: Alright.. [ stands and unhitches a Spiderman backpack ] Well, I want to thank you for the opportunity. I learned a lot, I’ve seen a lot of people come in and out of this door at “Saturday Night Live”, the old laugh —

Amy Poehler: Oh, beat it, loser! Get out of here!

[ Jimmy exits ]

Lorne Michaels: You know, it felt good to fire someone.

Donald Trump: It’s actually fun, isn’t it?

Lorne Michaels: Amy, you’re fired, too.

Amy Poehler: What?!

Lorne Michaels: Finesse?

Finesse Michaels: [ angrily ] What?!!

Lorne Michaels: Go get Parnell.

Finesse Mitchell: Yes, sir.

[ cut to Jimmy Fallon rolling odwn the exterior hallway, to the elevator downstairs ] [ Jimmy steps out of elevator and onto the street ]

Jimmy Fallon: Taxi!

[ Jimmy enters cab and reflects on his experience ]

Jimmy Fallon: I’m shocked by this outcome, you know? The only reason Amy didn’t get fired is because she uses her feminine sexuality to get laughs. You know? And Finesse.. uses his feminine sexuality to get laughs.

[ dissolve back to “The Apprentice” ]

Donald Trump: Well, that was a hard one.

George Ross: It’s only going to get harder.

Carolyn Kepcher: That’s what she said.

Donald Trump: [ surprised ] What? What did you say?

Carolyn Kepcher: I said.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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