SNL Transcripts: Donald Trump: 04/03/04: Donald Trump’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 16

03p: Donald Trump / Toots and the Maytals

Donald Trump’s Monologue

…..Donald Trump
Back-Up Donald Trump…..Darrell Hammond
Jeff Zucker…..Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump: Thank you! Wow. Thank you very much. Thank you. It’s great to be here, at “Saturday Night Live”, but – I’ll be completely honest – it’s even better for “Saturday Night Live” that I’m here. Nobody’s bigger than me.. nobody’s better than me.. I’m a ratings machine! I’ve got the number one television show, “The Apprentice”.. [ audience erupts into applause ] Where, after just one season, I’m about to become the highest-paid television personality in America! And, as everyone in this room knows, highest-paid means best, right?

But television’s really just a hobby for me. I’m primarily occupied with my real estate holdings, my best-selling books, and making love to women who’ve won prizes for their beauty. But not any more, because I have a great girlfriend. That’s true. The point is — [ audience cracks up ] What the hell is this? I can’t win. See, you can’t win. The point is, I’m a busy man. And, in case I get called – always on business, always on improtant business – I got a replacement. I got a really great replacement. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Darrell Hammond!

[ Darrell Hammond steps out, disguised as a near-accurate, though shorter, version of Donald Trump ]

Donald Trump: Darrell. I love what you do. It’s great. Do that thing, go ahead.

Back-Up Donald Trump: [ motions his hand ] You’re fired!

Donald Trump: Do it again, Darrell, I love it!

Back-Up Donald Trump: [ motions his hand ] You’re fired!

Donald Trump: Ah! Keep firing, Darrell! We’re gonna clean out NBC!

[ Jeff Zucker enters stage ]

Jeff Zucker: [ laughing nervously, as he motions his hands back and forth with each passing word ] Wait a second, Donald! You can’t fire everyone here at NBC.

Donald Trump: Who are you?

Jeff Zucker: Jeff Zucker, NBC President of Entertainment, News & Cable Group. And I’ve had the.. “Will & Grace”.. to lead this network. Right.. “Friends”? [ low response, so he pulls out a remote control and adjusts his own volume of canned laughter ]

Donald Trump: Darrell. Do it to him.

Back-Up Donald Trump: [ motions his hand ] You’re fired!

Donald Trump: Do it again, Darrell, I love it – Do it.

Back-Up Donald Trump: [ motions his hand ] You’re fired!

Donald Trump: Darrell.. go fire whoever you want. Get the hell out of here.

[ Darrell exits ]

Look, Jim – you are the President, but I’m the only thing they’ve got on this network that’s any good now.

Jeff Zucker: Now, that’s not true. In fact, NBC has an exciting line-up of new shows, that will appeal to a very wide audience. Shows like these – what happens when two gay brothers inherit a mental hospital? Find out on.. “Fruits & Nuts”.

[ show title card ]

Donald Trump: That sounds terrible!

Jeff Zucker: And, if that wasn’t enough, we’ve got a makeover show in the works, that’s sure to become a phenomenom. Watch straight men get fashion tips from a gay guy who may or may not be looking at you, on “Queer Eye With A Lazy Eye”.

[ show title card ]

Donald Trump: Now, that one actually sounds pretty good.

Jeff Zucker: Sticking with the gay theme, because it seems to be working for us – an exciting new police drama – “Law & Order: Queer Squad”.

[ show title card ]

Jeff Zucker: I’m not even sure what that one’s about.. Okay, look, you’re right. You’re the only thing we have on this network, okay? Thanks so much.. I’m fired.

[ Jeff Zucker exits ]

Donald Trump: We’ve got a really great show for you tonight. Toots and the Maytals are here.. stick around, we’ll be right back!

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