SNL Transcripts: Donald Trump: 04/03/04: Donald Trump’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 16

03p: Donald Trump / Toots and the Maytals

Donald Trump’s Monologue

…..Donald Trump
Back-Up Donald Trump…..Darrell Hammond
Jeff Zucker…..Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump: Thank you! Wow. Thank you very much. Thank you. It’s great to be here, at “Saturday Night Live”, but – I’ll be completely honest – it’s even better for “Saturday Night Live” that I’m here. Nobody’s bigger than me.. nobody’s better than me.. I’m a ratings machine! I’ve got the number one television show, “The Apprentice”.. [ audience erupts into applause ] Where, after just one season, I’m about to become the highest-paid television personality in America! And, as everyone in this room knows, highest-paid means best, right?

But television’s really just a hobby for me. I’m primarily occupied with my real estate holdings, my best-selling books, and making love to women who’ve won prizes for their beauty. But not any more, because I have a great girlfriend. That’s true. The point is — [ audience cracks up ] What the hell is this? I can’t win. See, you can’t win. The point is, I’m a busy man. And, in case I get called – always on business, always on improtant business – I got a replacement. I got a really great replacement. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Darrell Hammond!

[ Darrell Hammond steps out, disguised as a near-accurate, though shorter, version of Donald Trump ]

Donald Trump: Darrell. I love what you do. It’s great. Do that thing, go ahead.

Back-Up Donald Trump: [ motions his hand ] You’re fired!

Donald Trump: Do it again, Darrell, I love it!

Back-Up Donald Trump: [ motions his hand ] You’re fired!

Donald Trump: Ah! Keep firing, Darrell! We’re gonna clean out NBC!

[ Jeff Zucker enters stage ]

Jeff Zucker: [ laughing nervously, as he motions his hands back and forth with each passing word ] Wait a second, Donald! You can’t fire everyone here at NBC.

Donald Trump: Who are you?

Jeff Zucker: Jeff Zucker, NBC President of Entertainment, News & Cable Group. And I’ve had the.. “Will & Grace”.. to lead this network. Right.. “Friends”? [ low response, so he pulls out a remote control and adjusts his own volume of canned laughter ]

Donald Trump: Darrell. Do it to him.

Back-Up Donald Trump: [ motions his hand ] You’re fired!

Donald Trump: Do it again, Darrell, I love it – Do it.

Back-Up Donald Trump: [ motions his hand ] You’re fired!

Donald Trump: Darrell.. go fire whoever you want. Get the hell out of here.

[ Darrell exits ]

Look, Jim – you are the President, but I’m the only thing they’ve got on this network that’s any good now.

Jeff Zucker: Now, that’s not true. In fact, NBC has an exciting line-up of new shows, that will appeal to a very wide audience. Shows like these – what happens when two gay brothers inherit a mental hospital? Find out on.. “Fruits & Nuts”.

[ show title card ]

Donald Trump: That sounds terrible!

Jeff Zucker: And, if that wasn’t enough, we’ve got a makeover show in the works, that’s sure to become a phenomenom. Watch straight men get fashion tips from a gay guy who may or may not be looking at you, on “Queer Eye With A Lazy Eye”.

[ show title card ]

Donald Trump: Now, that one actually sounds pretty good.

Jeff Zucker: Sticking with the gay theme, because it seems to be working for us – an exciting new police drama – “Law & Order: Queer Squad”.

[ show title card ]

Jeff Zucker: I’m not even sure what that one’s about.. Okay, look, you’re right. You’re the only thing we have on this network, okay? Thanks so much.. I’m fired.

[ Jeff Zucker exits ]

Donald Trump: We’ve got a really great show for you tonight. Toots and the Maytals are here.. stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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