SNL Transcripts: Donald Trump: 04/03/04: The Prince And The Pauper

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 16

03p: Donald Trump / Toots and the Maytals

The Prince And The Pauper

Donald Trump…..Darrell Hammond
Janitor…..Donald Trump
Aide…..Fred Armisen

[ woman’s hand opens storybook ]

Narrator: “Once upon a time, on a small island filled with glass towers, there lived a prince. He had flowing blond locks that looked like a wig, but it wasn’t. Anyway.. this prince had everything a man could ever want, but was still not happy.”

[ dissolve to Donald Trupm in his office ]

Donald Trump: I thought I made it clear to you when we started working together, that I demanded excellence at all times. Your incomptence is only exceeded by your stupidity. You’re an embarrassment. Not only to yourself, but to me and my corporation! [ motions hand ] You’re fired!

[ long shot reveals Trump has been addressing a Girl Scout ]

Girl Scout: [ blinking ] But, Mr. Trump.. I’m nine.

Donald Trump: Yeah. You’re nine. And you’re unemployed. Now, get the hell out of my office!

Girl Scout: Thank you for the opportunity.

Donald Trump: Whatever! now, hit the bricks, sister!

[ Girl Scout exits office, as Aide enters ]

Aide: Is everything alright, sir?

Donald Trump: I feel horrible! My life has no joy. I mean.. I just fired a nine-year old girl, but.. if that doesn’t make me happy, then.. I don’t know what the hell will! I wish there was a way I could trade places with another man, and be free of all this responsibility. But, alas.. I’m trapped, in a golden cage.

Aide: Well, bummer. By the way, the guy’s here to fix the leak on your solid gold faucet.

Donald Trump: [ sighs ] Send him in.

[ Aide opens the door, as a moustachioed janitor enters and looks around ]

Janitor: This place looks like the Liberace Museum. Man!

Donald Trump: Hey! I’m the Prince of this city. When you’re in my office, you treat me with respect!

Janitor: [ looking about ] Who did your decorating? Saddam Hussein?

Donald Trump: I’ll have you know this is all very classy stuff. And that painting of the tiger and the woman has gotten me laid on numerous occasions.

Janitor: I didn’t know gay dudes liked tiger paintings.

Donald Trump: Hey! You crossed the line! I’ve killed people for less!

Janitor: Looks like you killed a squirrel to me, and put it right on top of your head.

Donald Trump: [ fumes silently ] You’re one to talk. Your hair looks exactly like mine!

Janitor: Yeah.. except my hair’s supposed to look like this – I’m a janitor.

Donald Trump: Normally.. I’d have you dragged into the swamp and shot. But you’ve got guts. You’re the first man I’ve ever met who.. isn’t afraid of me. What’s your secret?

Janitor: Well.. my real secret is that I live a simple life. I may not be a billionaire like you.. but this job gives me enough money to have a kick-ass sword collection. Plus.. my brother rigged my cable, so that I get all the nudie channels for free.

Donald Trump: It sounds like you’re happy.

Janitor: Darn tootin’. Aren’t you happy? What, with all your money, and your clothes, and your gay decorations?

Donald Trump: Okay, first of all, enough about the decorations! And, second – I would love to run away and live a life of leisure. But the whole city would collapse! If I don’t — [ pauses to think ] Wait a minute. Let me look at you.

[ Trump and the janitor stare at one another, and mimic each other’s movement with crystal precision ]

Donald Trump: Heeeeeyy! You look exactly like me!

Janitor: You’re right. Except for my very stylish moustache.

Donald Trump: [ contemplates the situation ] I have a proposition for you my friend – how would you like to trade places, and be me for one month?

Janitor: You really think it would work?

Donald Trump: It worked on The Flintstones.

Janitor: It’s true. Say no more, I’m in.

Donald Trump: Alright.

[ dissolve back to storybook ]

Narrator: “And, so, the pauper and the prince exchanged identities. The pauper shaved off his moustache, and the prince put on a fake one. And this voiceover lasted just long enough for them to trade clothes.”

What? They’re not done yet? Oh, okay.

[ making up additional story lines ] “The prince dressed like a janitor! And the janitor.. dressed like a prince.” Back to the story!

[ dissolve back to Trump and the janitor in his office, now dressed like one another ]

Donald Trump: Well.. I’m off to find my new happiness. Now for the final test. Let’s see if my assistant – I mean, your assistent – Carl.. can tell the difference.

Janitor: Carl!

Aide: [ enters ] Can I help you sir?

Janitor: Look at this janitor here.

Aide: Eugh! Disgusting!

Donald Trump: [ elated ] This is great! He doesn’t suspect a thing!

Janitor: Carl.. take this dirtbag out to the swamps, and shoot him!

Aide: Got it, Captain! [ grabs Trump ]

Donald Trump: No! Wait a minute, Carl! I’m the prince!

Aide: Shut up, janitor! You’re going on a six-foot holiday! [ drags Trump out of the office ]

Janitor: [ facing the camera ] You know.. I think I’m going to like being a prince!

[ dissolve back to storybook ]

Narrator: “And the moral of this story is: although you may not find happiness as a billionaire.. you sure as hell won’t find it at the bottom of a swamp in Jersey. The end.”

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