Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 16
03p: Donald Trump / Toots and the Maytals
The Prince And The Pauper
Donald Trump…..Darrell Hammond
Janitor…..Donald Trump
Aide…..Fred Armisen
[ woman’s hand opens storybook ]
Narrator: “Once upon a time, on a small island filled with glass towers, there lived a prince. He had flowing blond locks that looked like a wig, but it wasn’t. Anyway.. this prince had everything a man could ever want, but was still not happy.”
[ dissolve to Donald Trupm in his office ]
Donald Trump: I thought I made it clear to you when we started working together, that I demanded excellence at all times. Your incomptence is only exceeded by your stupidity. You’re an embarrassment. Not only to yourself, but to me and my corporation! [ motions hand ] You’re fired!
[ long shot reveals Trump has been addressing a Girl Scout ]
Girl Scout: [ blinking ] But, Mr. Trump.. I’m nine.
Donald Trump: Yeah. You’re nine. And you’re unemployed. Now, get the hell out of my office!
Girl Scout: Thank you for the opportunity.
Donald Trump: Whatever! now, hit the bricks, sister!
[ Girl Scout exits office, as Aide enters ]
Aide: Is everything alright, sir?
Donald Trump: I feel horrible! My life has no joy. I mean.. I just fired a nine-year old girl, but.. if that doesn’t make me happy, then.. I don’t know what the hell will! I wish there was a way I could trade places with another man, and be free of all this responsibility. But, alas.. I’m trapped, in a golden cage.
Aide: Well, bummer. By the way, the guy’s here to fix the leak on your solid gold faucet.
Donald Trump: [ sighs ] Send him in.
[ Aide opens the door, as a moustachioed janitor enters and looks around ]
Janitor: This place looks like the Liberace Museum. Man!
Donald Trump: Hey! I’m the Prince of this city. When you’re in my office, you treat me with respect!
Janitor: [ looking about ] Who did your decorating? Saddam Hussein?
Donald Trump: I’ll have you know this is all very classy stuff. And that painting of the tiger and the woman has gotten me laid on numerous occasions.
Janitor: I didn’t know gay dudes liked tiger paintings.
Donald Trump: Hey! You crossed the line! I’ve killed people for less!
Janitor: Looks like you killed a squirrel to me, and put it right on top of your head.
Donald Trump: [ fumes silently ] You’re one to talk. Your hair looks exactly like mine!
Janitor: Yeah.. except my hair’s supposed to look like this – I’m a janitor.
Donald Trump: Normally.. I’d have you dragged into the swamp and shot. But you’ve got guts. You’re the first man I’ve ever met who.. isn’t afraid of me. What’s your secret?
Janitor: Well.. my real secret is that I live a simple life. I may not be a billionaire like you.. but this job gives me enough money to have a kick-ass sword collection. Plus.. my brother rigged my cable, so that I get all the nudie channels for free.
Donald Trump: It sounds like you’re happy.
Janitor: Darn tootin’. Aren’t you happy? What, with all your money, and your clothes, and your gay decorations?
Donald Trump: Okay, first of all, enough about the decorations! And, second – I would love to run away and live a life of leisure. But the whole city would collapse! If I don’t — [ pauses to think ] Wait a minute. Let me look at you.
[ Trump and the janitor stare at one another, and mimic each other’s movement with crystal precision ]
Donald Trump: Heeeeeyy! You look exactly like me!
Janitor: You’re right. Except for my very stylish moustache.
Donald Trump: [ contemplates the situation ] I have a proposition for you my friend – how would you like to trade places, and be me for one month?
Janitor: You really think it would work?
Donald Trump: It worked on The Flintstones.
Janitor: It’s true. Say no more, I’m in.
Donald Trump: Alright.
[ dissolve back to storybook ]
Narrator: “And, so, the pauper and the prince exchanged identities. The pauper shaved off his moustache, and the prince put on a fake one. And this voiceover lasted just long enough for them to trade clothes.”
What? They’re not done yet? Oh, okay.
[ making up additional story lines ] “The prince dressed like a janitor! And the janitor.. dressed like a prince.” Back to the story!
[ dissolve back to Trump and the janitor in his office, now dressed like one another ]
Donald Trump: Well.. I’m off to find my new happiness. Now for the final test. Let’s see if my assistant – I mean, your assistent – Carl.. can tell the difference.
Janitor: Carl!
Aide: [ enters ] Can I help you sir?
Janitor: Look at this janitor here.
Aide: Eugh! Disgusting!
Donald Trump: [ elated ] This is great! He doesn’t suspect a thing!
Janitor: Carl.. take this dirtbag out to the swamps, and shoot him!
Aide: Got it, Captain! [ grabs Trump ]
Donald Trump: No! Wait a minute, Carl! I’m the prince!
Aide: Shut up, janitor! You’re going on a six-foot holiday! [ drags Trump out of the office ]
Janitor: [ facing the camera ] You know.. I think I’m going to like being a prince!
[ dissolve back to storybook ]
Narrator: “And the moral of this story is: although you may not find happiness as a billionaire.. you sure as hell won’t find it at the bottom of a swamp in Jersey. The end.”
