SNL Transcripts: Donald Trump: 04/03/04: The Prince And The Pauper


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 16

03p: Donald Trump / Toots and the Maytals

The Prince And The Pauper

Donald Trump…..Darrell Hammond
Janitor…..Donald Trump
Aide…..Fred Armisen

[ woman’s hand opens storybook ]

Narrator: “Once upon a time, on a small island filled with glass towers, there lived a prince. He had flowing blond locks that looked like a wig, but it wasn’t. Anyway.. this prince had everything a man could ever want, but was still not happy.”

[ dissolve to Donald Trupm in his office ]

Donald Trump: I thought I made it clear to you when we started working together, that I demanded excellence at all times. Your incomptence is only exceeded by your stupidity. You’re an embarrassment. Not only to yourself, but to me and my corporation! [ motions hand ] You’re fired!

[ long shot reveals Trump has been addressing a Girl Scout ]

Girl Scout: [ blinking ] But, Mr. Trump.. I’m nine.

Donald Trump: Yeah. You’re nine. And you’re unemployed. Now, get the hell out of my office!

Girl Scout: Thank you for the opportunity.

Donald Trump: Whatever! now, hit the bricks, sister!

[ Girl Scout exits office, as Aide enters ]

Aide: Is everything alright, sir?

Donald Trump: I feel horrible! My life has no joy. I mean.. I just fired a nine-year old girl, but.. if that doesn’t make me happy, then.. I don’t know what the hell will! I wish there was a way I could trade places with another man, and be free of all this responsibility. But, alas.. I’m trapped, in a golden cage.

Aide: Well, bummer. By the way, the guy’s here to fix the leak on your solid gold faucet.

Donald Trump: [ sighs ] Send him in.

[ Aide opens the door, as a moustachioed janitor enters and looks around ]

Janitor: This place looks like the Liberace Museum. Man!

Donald Trump: Hey! I’m the Prince of this city. When you’re in my office, you treat me with respect!

Janitor: [ looking about ] Who did your decorating? Saddam Hussein?

Donald Trump: I’ll have you know this is all very classy stuff. And that painting of the tiger and the woman has gotten me laid on numerous occasions.

Janitor: I didn’t know gay dudes liked tiger paintings.

Donald Trump: Hey! You crossed the line! I’ve killed people for less!

Janitor: Looks like you killed a squirrel to me, and put it right on top of your head.

Donald Trump: [ fumes silently ] You’re one to talk. Your hair looks exactly like mine!

Janitor: Yeah.. except my hair’s supposed to look like this – I’m a janitor.

Donald Trump: Normally.. I’d have you dragged into the swamp and shot. But you’ve got guts. You’re the first man I’ve ever met who.. isn’t afraid of me. What’s your secret?

Janitor: Well.. my real secret is that I live a simple life. I may not be a billionaire like you.. but this job gives me enough money to have a kick-ass sword collection. Plus.. my brother rigged my cable, so that I get all the nudie channels for free.

Donald Trump: It sounds like you’re happy.

Janitor: Darn tootin’. Aren’t you happy? What, with all your money, and your clothes, and your gay decorations?

Donald Trump: Okay, first of all, enough about the decorations! And, second – I would love to run away and live a life of leisure. But the whole city would collapse! If I don’t — [ pauses to think ] Wait a minute. Let me look at you.

[ Trump and the janitor stare at one another, and mimic each other’s movement with crystal precision ]

Donald Trump: Heeeeeyy! You look exactly like me!

Janitor: You’re right. Except for my very stylish moustache.

Donald Trump: [ contemplates the situation ] I have a proposition for you my friend – how would you like to trade places, and be me for one month?

Janitor: You really think it would work?

Donald Trump: It worked on The Flintstones.

Janitor: It’s true. Say no more, I’m in.

Donald Trump: Alright.

[ dissolve back to storybook ]

Narrator: “And, so, the pauper and the prince exchanged identities. The pauper shaved off his moustache, and the prince put on a fake one. And this voiceover lasted just long enough for them to trade clothes.”

What? They’re not done yet? Oh, okay.

[ making up additional story lines ] “The prince dressed like a janitor! And the janitor.. dressed like a prince.” Back to the story!

[ dissolve back to Trump and the janitor in his office, now dressed like one another ]

Donald Trump: Well.. I’m off to find my new happiness. Now for the final test. Let’s see if my assistant – I mean, your assistent – Carl.. can tell the difference.

Janitor: Carl!

Aide: [ enters ] Can I help you sir?

Janitor: Look at this janitor here.

Aide: Eugh! Disgusting!

Donald Trump: [ elated ] This is great! He doesn’t suspect a thing!

Janitor: Carl.. take this dirtbag out to the swamps, and shoot him!

Aide: Got it, Captain! [ grabs Trump ]

Donald Trump: No! Wait a minute, Carl! I’m the prince!

Aide: Shut up, janitor! You’re going on a six-foot holiday! [ drags Trump out of the office ]

Janitor: [ facing the camera ] You know.. I think I’m going to like being a prince!

[ dissolve back to storybook ]

Narrator: “And the moral of this story is: although you may not find happiness as a billionaire.. you sure as hell won’t find it at the bottom of a swamp in Jersey. The end.”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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