Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 16
Fathers and Sons
Peter Fleck…Seth Meyers
Gary Fleck…Donald Trump
John Sassen…Horatio Sanz
David Sassen…Jimmy Fallon
[title: Channel 53 Public Access T.V. of Central Illinois]
Voice Over: You’re watching Channel 53 Public Access T.V. of Central Illinois.[dissolve to living room with superimposed title: Fathers and Sons] [title fades, brief intro music plays, Peter and Gary are sitting on a couch]
Peter: Hi! Welcome to Fathers and Sons, the show that teaches and discusses how positive communication between fathers and sons can make this special relationship between two men even better. I’m Peter Fleck, and this is my dad, Gary. There’s no reason why sensitivity and warmth can’t be key ingredients between fathers and sons. That’s why we’re here today on Fathers and Sons. Isn’t that right, Dad?
Gary: You could really cut that intro in half. Boy, it’s way, way too long.
Peter: Okay, here we go again, all right. It’s a bit long, you’re right.
Gary: You don’t have to tell me when I’m right. I know when I’m right. Now let’s do it. Come on, this is just a miserable way to spend a Sunday.
Peter: Our first segment is called Father and Son Memories. We’ve each prepared a story. My story takes place at a little league game when I was thirteen. A ground ball went through my legs and Dad screamed, “Hey fellas, anyone want to lend me their son for the day so I have something to cheer about?” Do you remember that, Dad?
Gary: I don’t remember you ever playing baseball.
Peter: I played for eight years.
Gary: Well, I remember you were on a team. I just don’t remember you playing baseball. Ha-ha-ha. [nudges Peter]
Peter: It’s surprising I wasn’t a better player. I mean, we practiced once, but then you left because you were worried my [air quotes] “sissy” was contagious.
Gary: All right, I forgot. Everything’s my fault isn’t it? Maybe I should blame my dad for not being a better parent. Or blame his dad. Or go back to blame the caveman for not playing enough dinosaur ball with his kid. Or plan B: Be responsible for yourself.
Peter: Okay, you’re right.
Gary: Again, I know when I’m right. You don’t have to tell me. So here’s my father son story. My father loved to fish on Sundays. I went to fish with him. It was nice and quiet and nobody had to talk about their feelings. The end.
Peter: I get your point, Dad.
Gary: I don’t think you do. Because when I take you fishing, you talk and scare all the fish away. Next thing I know, I’m playing this crazy video production. It’s just ridiculous, and I’m on a show that nobody even watches.
Peter: Joining us now are our neighbors. Please welcome father and son, John and David Sassen.
John: Hey, how ya doing, fellas? Excuse the clothes, just got back from a [David chimes in] father and son golf tournament.
David: It was awesome, it was awesome.
John: Oh, my goodness. This guy’s a hell of a golfer, too.
David: Well, this guy [points to self] had the best teacher in the world. You did it, [points to John] you taught me.[John and David hug vigorously, and David is lifted off his feet] [John and David sit on the couch]
Gary: What, are they crazy?
Peter: So, you guys seem to get along. Do you ever have any problems?
John: Well, we’re both reading that book, Tuesdays with Morrie.
David: We talk about it so much, Mom’s threatening to throw us out of the house.
Gary: I like her style.
Peter: But do you guys ever have any problems with each other, you know?
David: Well, he can embarass me. In public, he’ll tell people how smart I am, and how I’m about to go to college, so… [makes cringing sound]
John: I’m gonna m-m-miss…miss my boy. [begins to cry]
David: I…I’m gonna miss my dad.[Peter points to the Sassens, indicated to Gary that he approves of their emotional openness]
John: Do you remember, do you remember–remember what I said?!
David: Yeah, I remember what you said, Dad. Dad said he’s giving me [becomes emotional] a j-j.. a jet pack–
John: A jet pack!
David: A jet pack.
John: I’m gonna give him a jet pack–
David: –full of love! So I can fly anywhere.
John: Anywhere. And where are you gonna fly?
David: I got a feeling I’m gonna fly home. [cries]
John: Come home![John and David stand and hug while rocking on their feet, then sit]
Peter: Why can’t you be like that with me?!
Gary: I’m not like that with your mother.
Peter: They’re so sad, they’re happy. [to David] I’d give anything, man. I would give anything to trade places with you, man.
Gary: With him? Look at that crybaby. When his father dies one day, he’s not going to know what to do. He’s going to be helpless.
David: You’re gonna die one day?![John and David collapse, weeping, into one another’s arms]
John: Oh, no! I’ve never explained to him the concept of death! [they separate]
Gary: Look, I treat you the way I treat you because the world is a horrible and vicious place, and I love you.
Peter: [joyfully shocked] Oh!
Gary: Are you happy now?
Peter: Mmm-hmmm! [hugs his father]
Gary: Well that really backfired.
Peter: Oh, uh… [composes self] Join us next week for our home movie film festival I like to call Things My Father Yelled Out at School Plays. Some of the highlights include the lines, “Would it kill him to wear boy clothes?” to “Intermission better mean over.” We’ll see you next week. I love you, Dad.
Gary: I love you, too.[Peter rests his head on Gary’s shoulder, and Gary pats him affectionately] [title: Fathers and Sons]
Submitted by: DavidK93