Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 16
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey
Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth…..Maya Rudolph
Announcer: Live from Mar-A-Lago, the number one luxury resort in the entire country, it’s the classiest late night news segment on tv – Weekend “Trump”date, with Jimmy Fallon and the beautiful Miss Tina Fey.[Tina is dressed as a beauty contest contestant, and Jimmy is dressed similar to Donald Trump. The setting is covered with grey colored bricks and a fountain in the center]
Tina Fey: Good evening. I’m Tina Fey.
Jimmy Fallon: And I’m James Thomas Fallon. Welcome to Donald Trump’s all-new Weekend “Trump”date.
Tina Fey: Jimmy, this is ridiculous. This is gross. I can’t do this.
Jimmy Fallon: Now come on, Tina. Don’t screw this up for me. He told me I can get a free helicopter ride if I do this.
Tina Fey: No. I don’t wanna do this. Just forget it. I’m not wearing these. It’s over, all right? We’re going to back to the original way. The usual way that we do it.[Original intro starts running]
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update” with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.[both change into their usual clothes, and usual set is shown]
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey.
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And here are tonight’s top stories…
In an interview with “Time” magazine, John Kerry, who would be the second catholic president if elected, said that he would not be influenced by the Vatican, adding “we have a separation of church and state in this country,” to which president Bush responded “oh snap, we do?”
Michael Jackson went to capitol hill Tuesday, but the congressional black caucus refused to meet with him. Instead, Jackson was able to meet with the wax tranny caucus.
Jimmy Fallon: Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown have announced plants to shoot a reality show. The show will begin production as soon as the couple figures out what reality is.
The embezzlement and fraud case against former Tyco chairman, Dennis Kozlowski, was declared a mistrial this week. Kozlowski will use the time until his next trial to return to his other job – as the lead singer of Midnight Oil.
Tina Fey: Radio Flyer Incorporated, the maker of the little red wagon, is closing their Chicago plant, and outsourcing their production to China. On the plus side, the wagons will be made for kids, by kids.
According to the FBI, terrorist might try to enter the United States by tagging along with foreign sports teams, or joining the entourages of famous performers. You know, I thought that Ace of Base reunion sounded a little fishy.
Jimmy Fallon: Singer Norah Jones turned 25 on Tuesday, her fans turned 50.
On Monday, a judge tossed out a lawsuit charging that the Walt Disneycorporation had cheated that the owner to the rights of Winnie the Pooh out of royalties. Sadly, Winnie the Pooh himself, died penniless, suffering from a honey induced diabetes.
Tina Fey: Actor Jason Patric was arrested on misdemeanor charges on public intoxication and resisting arrest Monday, after he showed a police officer. Police were heard yelling “Freeze! Put your hands on your head, and please tell me what movie you were in. It’s driving me crazy!”
Jimmy Fallon: A new study shows that when alcohol consumption in and around the workplace increases, so does the risk of sexual harassment among co-workers –
Tina Fey: Hello. Jimmy Fallon. This is my hotel key. These are my panties. Be there in 10 minutes, or I’ll kill you. I will kill you.
Jimmy Fallon: You gotta get your act together.
Tina Fey: I really do.
Jimmy Fallon: Gosh.
Heavy gunfire broke out in the Congo capitol of Kinshasa , for the first time since the war broke out last spring. Among the casualties – 5 rebels, 2 government troops, and 6 tarzans.
Tina Fey: Police in Illinois are looking for a 75 year-old woman, who gets around whit a cane and a portable oxygen cart, because she’s accused of scamming car dealers by bouncing checks. Officials say that by now, the old lady could be anywhere within an 8-foot radius.
It was reported that on her upcoming tour, Madonna will include a dance number that will re-enact battle scenes to illustrate the tragedy of war. Madonna will also wear a camouflage bikini top to illustrate the tragedy of time.
Jimmy Fallon: Asian-American groups are upset with the newest issue of “Details” magazine, which features an article asking readers to determine whether the man pictured is gay or Asian. Worse, it’s a picture of Angelica Huston.[knock on Update door]
Jimmy Fallon: Tina, I think someone’s at the update door.
Tina Fey: Okay. I wonder who that could be. Oh, it’s fired “Apprentice” contestant, Omarosa, everybody.
Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Where is Mr. Trump? Where’s Donald at? I need to converse with him briefly.
Tina Fey: Donald is not here at the moment, is there something “we” could help you with, Omarosa?
Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: First of all, I’d like you to address me by my full name – Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth. And not by my first name, which is disrespectful, because I am a proud African-American woman.
Tina Fey: Okay, sure. Mrs. Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth.
Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Thank you, Tina Fey. I came here tonight because I feel that I was misrepresented on the television program, “The Apprentice.” And I’d really like to tell my side of the story.
Tina Fey: Sure, let’s hear it. Yeah.
Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Tina Fey, let me just say for the record, that Mr. Trump…is a fool. For he should have named me the apprentice. You see, I am a leader, and a strong Nubian woman. Whose strength is only rivaled by the Bionic Man or The Rock. I didn’t get into this business by being a wimp. And I’m not ever gonna let anything beat me down.[a small piece of plaster from the ceiling, falls on Omarosa’s head]
Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Ahhhhhhhhhhh. Not again! A piece of plaster has fallen on my head!
Tina Fey: Oh boy. Mrs. Manigault-Stallworth, are you okay?
Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Oh my God, the pain! I’ve got yet another concussion! I’m sure of it!
Tina Fey: Come on, it was just a little piece of plaster. You’re tough. You can get through that.
Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Tina Fey, I think it is appalling, that we should be expected to work inside this television stu-jo, and not be provided hard hits.
Tina Fey: Har- oh hard hats. Oh.[a giant piece of plaster falls on Omarosa’s head]
Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Ahhhhh-hhhhhh!
Tina Fey: That one was bigger.
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, that looked like it might have hurt. That piece was way bigger, that one.
Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Oh Jimmy Fallon, I know you did not just call me the “N” word.
Jimmy Fallon: No, no. I said it’s bigger. It’s bigger.[a hanging spotlight falls on Omarosa’s head]
Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Ohhhhhhhh! My jewelry!
Jimmy Fallon: This is strange. It seems like things are only falling on Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth’s head. It’s just weird.[a large pizza falls on Omarosa’s head]
Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Hey!
Tina Fey: A whole pizza? Pizza, that is weird.
Jimmy Fallon: That’s probably why it didn’t hurt as much as the other stuff. That’s not that bad.[a bowling ball falls on Omarosa’s head, then bounces off her head, hitting Jimmy’s shoulder]
Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Ooooooohh.
Tina Fey: Look at that – a bowling ball.
Jimmy Fallon: That hurt me too a little bit.
Tina Fey: A little bit?
Jimmy Fallon: That hurt.[a cake falls on Omarosa’s head]
Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Ooooo!
Tina Fey: Was that birthday cake?
Jimmy Fallon: Birthday cake. Happy birthday I guess?[a thick book falls on Omarosa’s head]
Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Ohhhhhhh!
Tina Fey: A dictionary?
Jimmy Fallon: Well at least that was an abridged version of the dictionary. I mean it’s not like –[an even larger book falls on Omarosa’s head]
Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Owww!
Tina Fey: There’s the abridged dictionary. The abridged dictionary.
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah that’s the other bridge.[a fax machine falls on Omarosa’s head]
Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: OHH-ahhhhhhhhh!!
Tina Fey: A fax machine.
Jimmy Fallon: Hey, you know, I’m kind of liking this now.[garbage falls on Omarosa’s head]
Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Eewwww!
Tina Fey: Uh oh.
Jimmy Fallon: What? Uh oh! Oh no![a giant wastebasket falls on Omarosa’s head, then she collapses]
Tina Fey: Oh my gosh. That is crazy, all right. Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth, everyone.
Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.[fade out]
Submitted by: Chris Fuentes