SNL Transcripts: Donald Trump: 04/03/04: Donald Trump’s House of Wings

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 16

03p: Donald Trump / Toots and the Maytals

Donald Trump’s House of Wings

… Donald Trump
Dancing Chicken … Maya Rudolph
Dancing Chicken … Amy Poehler
Dancing Chicken … Kenan Thompson
Dancing Chicken … Seth Meyers
David Crosby … Horatio Sanz

[Cheap neon sign reads: TRUMP’S House of Wings. Thesynth-driven riff from the Pointer Sisters’ hit 1984pop song “Jump (For My Love)” is heard as we pull backand pan down to reveal real estate mogul Donald Trumpin a spectacularly awful all-yellow suit and tie. Hestands in front of a couple of diners and addressesthe camera.]

Donald Trump: Cock-a-doodle-doo, folks. I’mDonald Trump. … And there’s two things in the worldI love — a good deal and a good meal. So when I droveby a defunct Meineke Muffler Shop in Englewood, NewJersey … I knew what I hadda do! I hadda buy it onthe cheap and convert it into a restaurantspecializing in buffalo chicken wings. … So I did.And it’s the most important thing I’ve ever done in myentire life. … So, please, join me — at DonaldTrump’s House of Wings!

[Trump gestures and four dancers, wearing goofy yellowand white chickens-popping-out-of-eggshells costumes,boogie into view and join him. They gestureenergetically as they sing a parody of”Jump”:]

Dancing Chickens: [sing]Trump! You know our wings will make you happy!
Trump in! You know our wings will fill you up!
Trump! If you want a place with awesome chicken wings,yeah,
Donald Trump’s House of Wings!

[The Donald, who has been dancin’ like the proverbialwhite man in the midst of all this, claps his handsand the chickens boogie backward out of view to hugecheers and applause. An impressed Trump pauses andnods acknowledgment to the crowd beforecontinuing:]

Donald Trump: Am I saying I’m a chicken wingexpert? No. But I can tell you this — the wing ishands down the best part of the chicken. Betterthan the head. Better than the torso. Better than theback! And at Donald Trump’s House of Wings, youcan get them with five different levels of hotness –Regular, Hot, Three Alarm, Suicidal — and Hell Spawn![Each level is illustrated with a photo of Trump:”Smiling;” “Smiling but Red-Faced;” “Red-Faced andWearing a Fireman’s Helmet with Cheeks Puffed Out;””Horned Goateed Red-Faced Devil with Cheeks PuffedOut;” and “Red-Faced with Eyes Bulging, TongueSticking Out and Steam Coming Out of Ears.”] … And,if you like celery, congratulations! It’s on thehouse. …

[Dancing chickens return. Trump claps, pumps a fist inthe air and bobs in place arrhythmically.]

Dancing Chickens: [sing]Trump! You know our wings come with free celery!
Trump in! You know these veggies are good for you!
Trump! If you want bleu cheese, there’ll be a dollarextra!
Donald Trump’s House of Wings!

[Trump claps his hands and the chickens boogiebackward out of view, once again, to huge cheers andapplause.]

Donald Trump: Donald Trump’s House of Wings ishands down the best wing restaurant in NewJersey. If you don’t believe me, ask my good friend,rock ‘n’ roll legend David Crosby.

[Synth riff fades out as white-haired, cherubic DavidCrosby enters with an acoustic guitar.]

David Crosby: Hey, Donny, man! When I’m notsmokin’ weed, firin’ guns or throwing my sperm aroundthe lesbian community … I’m wolfin’ down wings asfast as they can hack ’em off them little bastards!…

Donald Trump: Hey, listen, listen. That wasn’tin the script. You’re not supposed to be talking likethat. That’s not right.

David Crosby: Oh, sorry, Donny, man.

Donald Trump: Take it easy.

David Crosby: Well, I call ’em like I sees’em!

Donald Trump: Yeah, take it easy.

David Crosby: But I will say this about yourplace, Donald Trump.
[strums guitar, sings a slightly altered line from the1970 Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young song, “OurHouse”]His house is a very, very, very fine house–
[spoken with enthusiasm]— of Wings! … Ha ha! Alrighty, I’mout of here! [pulls out a handgun and a plastic bag ofmarijuana] Hey, can you hold these for me? [tries tohand these to Trump]

Donald Trump: [pushes them away in disgust] I’mnot gonna touch ’em. [tries to push Crosby offstage]Get out of here. Come on, get out.

David Crosby: [laughs] All right. [waves intothe camera] Hey! Take it easy, Trumpy!

[Applause as David Crosby exits and the synth riffreturns.]

Donald Trump: [shakes his head, disgusted withCrosby] Terrible! [continues, to camera] To all youpeople out there — stop by and enjoy! And to all youchickens — You’re fry-ered! … [looks around,shakes his head again, disgusted at the corny joke onhis signature “You’re fired” line] I don’t like that.Come on, get the dancers back.

[Trump waves for the chickens and they return for afunky grand finale.]

Dancing Chickens: [sing]Trump! You know our wings will make you happy!
Trump in! You know our wings will fill you up!
Trump! If you want a place with awesome chicken wings,yeah,
Donald Trump’s House of Wings!

[Huge cheers and applause as we cut to the House ofWings logo and then see a map of Englewood, New Jerseywith the logo — as well as the logos of Trump’s localcompetitors.]

Announcer V/O: Donald Trump’s House of Wings –off Route 13, right next to Al Sharpton’s Casa deSushi. If you pass Derek Jeter’s Taco Hole, you’vegone too far.

Submitted Anonymously

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