SNL Transcripts: Janet Jackson: 04/10/04: Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 17



03q: Janet Jackson

Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet

Brian Fellow…..Tracy Morgan
Natalie Logan…..Janet Jackson
Robert Graham…..Will Forte

[open on illustrated map with stop-motion animated animals]

Musical Voice Over: He loves animals and they love him back. / Interspecies friends, we ain’t kidding, Mac. / Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet, Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!

[title on illustrated map: “Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet”]

[dissolve to Brian Fellow interracting with stop-motion animated animals in an illustrated jungle setting]

Voice Over: Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold a degree in any of the environmental sciences. He is simply an enthusiastic young man with a sixth grade education and an abiding love for all God’s creatures. Share his loves tonight on…

[title on illustrated jungle setting: “Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet”]

Musical Voice Over: Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s…Safari Planet!

[dissolve to Brian Fellow in studio]

Brian: [waves enthusiastically to audience] Good evening, and welcome to Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet. I’m Brian Fellow. Tonight, we’re going to meet some animals that make us smile when you see them. And I’m very excited about smiling. So let’s get going. Our first guest likes to climb trees and get hit by cars. Please welcome a squirrel!

[Natalie Logan enters and sits, and an assistant places a caged squirrel on the table in front of her]

Brian: And who are you?

Natalie: I am Natalie Logan and I work for the Parks Department in Galveston, Texas.

Brian: I’m Brian Fellow!

Natalie: I’d like for you to meet Rufus.

Brian: I like your hat, Rufus.

Natalie: Well, thank you. But I’m Natalie, and the squirrel is Rufus.

Brian: I’m Brian Fellow!

Natalie: Hello, Brian Fellow.

Brian: That quirrel looks dirty.

Natalie: It’s his coloration. It helps him to blend in with his environment and protects him from animals that hunt squirrels.

Brian: He should use his fuzzy tail as a mustache. Then everyone would think he’s a old man.

Natalie: That’s an interesting idea.

Brian: I don’t need your charity!

Natalie: His tail is very important because it helps him to fly.

Brian: He flies? That’s crazy!

Natalie: Well, actually, it’s not. That’s because he’s a flying squirrel.

Brian: Was that squirrel afraid to fly after 9/11?

Natalie: No, I don’t think he knew about that.

Brian: It was in all the papers.

Natalie: He’s a squirrel. He doesn’t read the paper.

Brian: Well, he should because knowledge is the cornerstone of all democracy.

Natalie: What are you talking about?

Brian: I honestly don’t know. You look cute in that hat, Rufus.

Natalie: Well, thank you, but my name is Natalie.

Brian: So that’s a flying squirrel, right?

Natalie: Yes.

Brian: Why don’t me and you jump on that squirrel and go down to Mexico and go hat shopping together?

Natalie: The squirrel can’t fly that far. Technically, he glides more than he flies.

Brian: Oh, I get it. You think you’re too good for me.

Natalie: No, I didn’t say that.

Brian: I offered you my heart and you spat on it, Rufus.

Natalie: You don’t even know my name.

Brian: Forget it. Take your rat and go.

[Natalie stands and exits, and the assistant removes the cage]

Brian: I am so, so, so sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen. Someone’s gonna get fired over that booking. My next guest likes to chew on bones and lick himself. Please welcome a French poodle!

[Robert Graham enters with a French poodle and sits]

Brian: Hey, who are you?

Robert: I’m Robert Graham from the Blacksmith Kennel in Glendale, California.

Brian: I’m Brian Fellow.

Robert: Hi Brian. I’d like you meet Jasmine.

Brian: That’s the biggest cat I ever seen.

Robert: Actually, he’s not the biggest cat you’ve ever seen, because he’s a dog.

Brian: He’s a dog? That’s crazy! He looks fruity.

Robert: Well, I wouldn’t say that. Actually, the male French poodle is one of the most aggressive, masculine dogs.

Brian: Well, it’s always the ones you least expect.

Robert: I guess.

Brian: Excuse me, why does that French dog hate America so much?

Robert: I don’t think he hates America.

Brian: You and that squirrel need to read the paper. If it wasn’t for us, that dog would be barking in German.

Robert: Okay. Well, I’m proud to announce that last week Jasmine won three medals at the prestigious Ventura Dog Show.

Brian: Do they have special Olympics for animals?

Robert: I don’t think so.

Brian: If they did, my goldfish Larry would win. Larry’s not smart, but he tries real hard.

Robert: I bet he does.

Brian: As we all know, the French poodle first came to favor in the court of Louis XIV.

Robert: That’s absolutely right. They were selectively bred for the purpose of creating a regal…

[dissolve to Brian’s thought bubble]

Natalie: [riding on a large flying squirrel] Hey, Brian Fellow, I changed my mind! Come with me to Mexico and we’ll go shopping for hats!

[dissolve to studio]

Brian: Are you serious?! Are you serious?!

Robert: Yes, I’m serious. Poodles were once used to find truffles!

[dissolve to Brian’s thought bubble]

Natalie: I think you’re smart, Brian Fellow!

Brian and Natalie: [singing] Up, up and away on my beautiful, my beautiful squirrel!

Natalie: [laughing] Don’t sing Brian, don’t sing.

Brian: Okay.

Natalie: Do you want coffee, tea, or me.

Brian: Shoot, I’ll have a coffee and six sugars.

Natalie: Ooh, I love you, Brian Fellow.

Brian: And I love your hat, Rufus. Kiss me! [puckers lips]

[dissolve to studio, where Brian is puckering his lips at Brian]

Robert: You’re making me uncomfortable. I think I’m gonna leave.

Brian: Well, I’m going to have to stop you right there, because we are out of time. Join us next week when our guests will be a spotted and and his cousin, a spotted ape. That sounds crazy! I’m Brian Fellow!

[title: “Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet”]

Musical Voice Over: Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s…Safari Planet!

Submitted by: DavidK93

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