SNL Transcripts: Janet Jackson: 04/10/04: Good Times


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 17

03q: Janet Jackson

Good Times

Florida…..Kenan Thompson
JJ…..J.B. Smoove
Thelma…..Maya Rudolph
Michael…..Finesse Mitchell
Bookman…..Tracy Morgan
Penny…..Janet Jackson
Willona…..Maya Rudolph
Dick Whiteman…..Chris Parnell

[A shortened version of the “Good Times” intro plays, fades into scene with family in living room ]

Michael: Mama, did you know that Malcolm X said that all of us are black first, and everything else second?

Florida: Michael Evans, you are behind on your chores first, and about to get whooped second.

[knock on door]

Thelma: I got it, ma.

JJ: Careful, Thelma. It might be the dogcatcher. Ha-ha-ha. Dy-No-Myte!

[Thelma answers the door to reveal Bookman]

Thelma: Can I help you, Bookman?

Bookman: I need your rent. Oh, is that cornbread I smell? That sure would go good with this chili.

Thelma: Would it go with the buffalo meat from your buffalo butt?

Florida: Now Thelma, behave. I have the rent money right here…..[reaches to box over the refrigerator, and finds box empty] What! Oh my goodness! What happened to the rent money?

[canned audience groaning]

Thelma: Ma, we know you was worried about money. So JJ had the idea that we should use what we had to buy a bunch of lottery tickets.

Florida: What?!

Thelma: I should have known it was a stupid idea when I heard it coming out of JJ’s fat mouth!

[Thelma cries and runs out of room]

JJ: I’m telling you mama, the lottery is our ticket out of the ghet-to, and into the lim-o. [ shows Florida a string of green lottery tickets ] Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Bookman: Yeah? Well you better have that money by 5:00, or you’re gonna be evicted. [exits]

Florida: Damn. Damn! Damn!!

Penny: [enters room] Hi, Mrs. Evans.

Florida: Oh hello Penny. How was school?

Penny: Well, we actually didn’t have school today. See, they ran out of books and my teacher got stabbed. Hey, Michael got a letter from the scholarship committee. Open it, Michael.

[Michael opens envelope]

Michael: Mama, I got it. A full scholarship to attend the St. Bartholomew’s school for boys.

Florida: OH! Hallelujah! That’s some good news! [kisses portrait of black Jesus; it falls, but Florida catches it and puts it on top of the refrigerator] I’m sorry, Jesus. I’m so proud of you baby. Mm-mm-mm. [ Spots Penny getting crackers from a box on the kitchen table] Penny, what are you up to over there?

Penny: I was just getting some crackers for my new pet, Mr. Stinky.

[Penny pulls out a giant, obviously fake rat]

Penny: I found him in the bed last night. Do you think that Willona will let me keep him?

Florida: Penny, there are rats in your bed?

[Willona enters]

Willona: I had a rat in my bed last night, but he was 6 foot tall with a moustache.

Michael: Did you have a date last night, Willona?

Willona: I sure did, Grandpa. He’s a bus driver for the CTA, and believe me he wanted to “C” some T and A. But I told him this was my stop! [Laughs, then takes off her glasses, revealing a bruised eye, as her voice breaks in sadness] And then he hit me.

Florida: Oh, Willona. [picks up casserole] Damn. Damn! Damn!! [throws it to the ground and picks it up] [Bookman enters]

Bookman: Where did I leave my- Michael, don’t eat my chili.

Michael: Dr. King says we must all share our chilis like brothers.

Bookman: I’m serious, Michael, don’t eat it….It’s dog food.

Willona: Bookman, you’re eating dog food?

Bookman: I spend all my pay on my wife’s diabetes medicine. [ seriously ] Now y’all better start.. packing, or y’all gonna be living in the dog house.

Michael: Don’t worry momma. Once I graduate from St. Bartholomew’s school, I’ll run for president, and you can come live with me in the Black House. [gives the “black power” salute] [applause, knock on door]

Florida: Oh, I’ll get it.

Dick Whiteman: Are you Mrs. Evans?

Florida: Well yes, I’m Florida Evans.

Dick Whiteman: I’m Dick Whiteman from the St. Bartholomew’s school. We’ve been looking over Michael’s file, and I’m afraid that we’re going to withdraw his scholarship.

Florida: [gasp] Why on earth?!

Dick Whiteman: It seems Michael checked out a book from the library about a Malcolm 10. And it’s 3 days overdue. We simply can’t have people like that at our school.

Florida: W-wait. What if I were to offer you —

Dick Whiteman: I’m sorry. If he were white, I could overlook it. Goodbye.

[Florida rubs picture of black Jesus]

Florida: Oh lord. We need a miracle now.

JJ: Hey momma, our lottery numbers came in. We just won $50,000!

[all cheer]

Florida: Oh, praise the lord. Where’s that lottery ticket?

[shows rat in front of small pieces of paper]

Penny: Oh no. Mr. Stinky ate the lottery ticket.

Florida: What-wha…

Penny: Oh please don’t get mad at him. He’s my only friend.

[rat squeaks, collapses, and “dies”]

Penny: Oh no! [ picks up “dead” rat ]

JJ: Would this-a be a bad time to tell y’all I got sickle cell?

[scene quickly cuts to the “Good Times” card as the reprise of the opening theme plays] [fade out]

Submitted by: Chris Fuentes

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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