Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 17
Dick Whiteman…..Chris Parnell
Michael: Mama, did you know that Malcolm X said that all of us are black first, and everything else second?
Florida: Michael Evans, you are behind on your chores first, and about to get whooped second.[knock on door]
Thelma: I got it, ma.
JJ: Careful, Thelma. It might be the dogcatcher. Ha-ha-ha. Dy-No-Myte![Thelma answers the door to reveal Bookman]
Thelma: Can I help you, Bookman?
Bookman: I need your rent. Oh, is that cornbread I smell? That sure would go good with this chili.
Thelma: Would it go with the buffalo meat from your buffalo butt?
Florida: Now Thelma, behave. I have the rent money right here…..[reaches to box over the refrigerator, and finds box empty] What! Oh my goodness! What happened to the rent money?[canned audience groaning]
Thelma: Ma, we know you was worried about money. So JJ had the idea that we should use what we had to buy a bunch of lottery tickets.
Thelma: I should have known it was a stupid idea when I heard it coming out of JJ’s fat mouth![Thelma cries and runs out of room]
JJ: I’m telling you mama, the lottery is our ticket out of the ghet-to, and into the lim-o. [ shows Florida a string of green lottery tickets ] Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Bookman: Yeah? Well you better have that money by 5:00, or you’re gonna be evicted. [exits]
Florida: Damn. Damn! Damn!!
Penny: [enters room] Hi, Mrs. Evans.
Florida: Oh hello Penny. How was school?
Penny: Well, we actually didn’t have school today. See, they ran out of books and my teacher got stabbed. Hey, Michael got a letter from the scholarship committee. Open it, Michael.[Michael opens envelope]
Michael: Mama, I got it. A full scholarship to attend the St. Bartholomew’s school for boys.
Florida: OH! Hallelujah! That’s some good news! [kisses portrait of black Jesus; it falls, but Florida catches it and puts it on top of the refrigerator] I’m sorry, Jesus. I’m so proud of you baby. Mm-mm-mm. [ Spots Penny getting crackers from a box on the kitchen table] Penny, what are you up to over there?
Penny: I was just getting some crackers for my new pet, Mr. Stinky.[Penny pulls out a giant, obviously fake rat]
Penny: I found him in the bed last night. Do you think that Willona will let me keep him?
Florida: Penny, there are rats in your bed?[Willona enters]
Willona: I had a rat in my bed last night, but he was 6 foot tall with a moustache.
Michael: Did you have a date last night, Willona?
Willona: I sure did, Grandpa. He’s a bus driver for the CTA, and believe me he wanted to C some T and A. But I told him this was my stop! [Laughs, then takes off her glasses, revealing a bruised eye, as her voice breaks in sadness] And then he hit me.
Florida: Oh, Willona. [picks up casserole] Damn. Damn! Damn!! [throws it to the ground and picks it up] [Bookman enters]
Bookman: Where did I leave my- Michael, don’t eat my chili.
Michael: Dr. King says we must all share our chilis like brothers.
Bookman: I’m serious, Michael, don’t eat it….It’s dog food.
Willona: Bookman, you’re eating dog food?
Bookman: I spend all my pay on my wife’s diabetes medicine. [ seriously ] Now y’all better start.. packing, or y’all gonna be living in the dog house.
Michael: Don’t worry momma. Once I graduate from St. Bartholomew’s school, I’ll run for president, and you can come live with me in the Black House. [gives the black power salute] [applause, knock on door]
Florida: Oh, I’ll get it.
Dick Whiteman: Are you Mrs. Evans?
Florida: Well yes, I’m Florida Evans.
Dick Whiteman: I’m Dick Whiteman from the St. Bartholomew’s school. We’ve been looking over Michael’s file, and I’m afraid that we’re going to withdraw his scholarship.
Florida: [gasp] Why on earth?!
Dick Whiteman: It seems Michael checked out a book from the library about a Malcolm 10. And it’s 3 days overdue. We simply can’t have people like that at our school.
Florida: W-wait. What if I were to offer you —
Dick Whiteman: I’m sorry. If he were white, I could overlook it. Goodbye.[Florida rubs picture of black Jesus]
Florida: Oh lord. We need a miracle now.
JJ: Hey momma, our lottery numbers came in. We just won $50,000![all cheer]
Florida: Oh, praise the lord. Where’s that lottery ticket?[shows rat in front of small pieces of paper]
Penny: Oh no. Mr. Stinky ate the lottery ticket.
Penny: Oh please don’t get mad at him. He’s my only friend.[rat squeaks, collapses, and dies]
Penny: Oh no! [ picks up dead rat ]
JJ: Would this-a be a bad time to tell y’all I got sickle cell?[scene quickly cuts to the “Good Times” card as the reprise of the opening theme plays] [fade out]
Submitted by: Chris Fuentes