Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 17
9/11 Briefing
Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
Condoleeze Rice…..Janet Jackson
Kean…..
[ open on front exterior, White House ]
[ SUPER: “Thursday 8:00 am EDT” ]
[ dissolve to interior, Vice-President’s office, Dick Cheney on the phone with the President ]
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Yes, Mr. President. Yes, Condoleeza testifies this morning. You’re right, she does have nothing to hide – that you know of. [ a pause ] What’s that? You have an idea? A new nickname for Kerry? [ a pause ] Flippy? ‘Cause he flip-flops. Th-th-that’s good. [ a pause ] Flippy the Flip-Flopper? Well, that may be a little long, sir. Yes. Yes, Floppy is also good. Yes, it is a difficult choice. I’ll await your decision, sir. But right now, Condi wanted to see me before the hearing, so — [ a beat ] She should try to work in “Flippy”? Alright, sir, she’s coming in. Thank you. [ hangs up ]
[ Condoleeze Rice enters ]
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Hello, Condi! It’s a big day. Please sit down.
Condoleeza Rice: Yes.. I —
Vice-President Dick Cheney: This is wonderful.
Condoleeza Rice: Yes, Mr. Vice-President, it is.. and, frankly, I’m still a little concerned about testifying in public.
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Ah, it’s a piece of cake. You’re well-prepared. It’s all attitude. Just keep it upbeat, show me that Condi smile.
Condoleeza Rice: [ smiles, gap-tooth in check ]
Vice-President Dick Cheney: [ laughs heartily ] That’s perfect! Show me the sneer, when a Democrat gets too specific!
Condoleeza Rice: [ sneers ]
Vice-President Dick Cheney: [ laughs heartily ] That is excellent! You’re incredulous!
Condoleeza Rice: [ makes a stone-face ]
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Good. Good, good. Now, smile!
Condoleeza Rice: [ smiles wide, gap tooth showing ]
Vice-President Dick Cheney: [ laughs heartily ] Condi, you are all set!
Condoleeza Rice: Really?
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Oh, uh.. here are a couple of words just to drop in anywhere. Uh.. “Systemic”.. “Historical”.. “Actionable”.. “Flippy the Flip-Flopper”. Work those in.
Condoleeza Rice: Sir, with all due respect, I’m still not certain how to address some of these facts.
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Two words: “It’s classified!” ] chuckles ]
Condoleeza Rice: But they have information, like the titles of the President’s briefing on August 6th.
Vice-President Dick Cheney: No problem. What was that again?
Condoleeza Rice: “Bin Laden determined to attack inside the United States.”
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Okay, that’s bad. Uh.. alright, let’s practice. When they make you say that title, there’s going to be an audible gasp in the room. So you’ve gotta cough – cover up the gasp. Okay, let’s practice. “Miss Rice, can you tell us the name of the PDB?”
Condoleeza Rice: “Bin Laden determined to attack inside he United States.”
Vice-President Dick Cheney: [ overdramatizes the audible gasps ]
Condoleeza Rice: [ coughs loudly, yet politely, into her hand ]
Vice-President Dick Cheney: By God, that was good! But, you know, the gasp might be a little longer that that, so just count to 5 Mississippi.
Condoleeza Rice: Okay.. in fact, but does it work?
Vice-President Dick Cheney: The important thing is to get through it and get back on message: “Dick Clarke does heroin!” [ chuckles ]
Condoleeza Rice: What?
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Yeah, big time junkie! Popular guy in Thailansd.
Condoleeza Rice: And we can oprove this?
Vice-President Dick Cheney: I’d love to – but it’s classified!
Condoleeza Rice: [ stunned ] I-I-I’m sorry, Mr. Vice-President, but I-I-I still have my doubts..
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Yeah, I know. But, if all else fails, I did have one other idea that I think would work.
Condoleeza Rice: Yes, please, what is that?
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Well.. I think you should flash a boob.
Condoleeza Rice: [ dismayed ] Excuse me?
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Just one headlight – real quick! [ chuckles ] See, it does two things – you win over the liberals, plus it’s a distraction for the press. You flash a bosom, I guarantee you that’s going to be the headline – not the Bin Laden thing! I guarantee it!
Condoleeza Rice: Sir, I was a Provost at Stanford. I am a concert-level pianist. I’ve read War And Peace in original Russian.
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Oh, loosen up, Condi, we’re talking about one fun bag! It’s perfectly natural!
Condoleeza Rice: [ stands ] I am not a prude, sir. But this hearing is not the forum for that kind of lewd conduct. There are other forums – like pay television, or national sporting championships. That would be fine, but I am the National Security Advisor.
Vice-President Dick Cheney: You’re right. I’m sorry. It was Ashcroft’s idea. [ chuckles ] Condi.. you’re going to be fine.
Condoleeza Rice: Thank you, sir. [ exits office ]
Vice-President Dick Cheney: [ leans back in his chair ] Ooh, boy.. oh, boy..
[ dissolve to Hart Senate Office Building ]
[ dissolve to CNN footage of the investigation ]
[ SUPER: “9/11 Investigation – Kean Interviews Condoleeza Rice” ]
Kean: Thank you very much, Dr. Rice. I appreciate your statement, your attendance and your service.
Condoleeza Rice: [ smiles wide ]
Kean: I have a couple of questions. As we understand it, when you first came into office, you’d just been through a very difficult campaign .. you walk in and Dick Clarke is talking about al-Qaida should be our number-one priority .. What did you think, and what did you tell the president, as you get that kind of, I suppose, new information for you?
Condoleeza Rice: [ stammers, then pulls her shirt open, pixellated boob exposed ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
