SNL Transcripts: Janet Jackson: 04/10/04: 9/11 Briefing


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 17

03q: Janet Jackson

9/11 Briefing

Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
Condoleeze Rice…..Janet Jackson

[ open on front exterior, White House ] [ SUPER: “Thursday 8:00 am EDT” ] [ dissolve to interior, Vice-President’s office, Dick Cheney on the phone with the President ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Yes, Mr. President. Yes, Condoleeza testifies this morning. You’re right, she does have nothing to hide – that you know of. [ a pause ] What’s that? You have an idea? A new nickname for Kerry? [ a pause ] Flippy? ‘Cause he flip-flops. Th-th-that’s good. [ a pause ] Flippy the Flip-Flopper? Well, that may be a little long, sir. Yes. Yes, Floppy is also good. Yes, it is a difficult choice. I’ll await your decision, sir. But right now, Condi wanted to see me before the hearing, so — [ a beat ] She should try to work in “Flippy”? Alright, sir, she’s coming in. Thank you. [ hangs up ] [ Condoleeze Rice enters ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Hello, Condi! It’s a big day. Please sit down.

Condoleeza Rice: Yes.. I —

Vice-President Dick Cheney: This is wonderful.

Condoleeza Rice: Yes, Mr. Vice-President, it is.. and, frankly, I’m still a little concerned about testifying in public.

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Ah, it’s a piece of cake. You’re well-prepared. It’s all attitude. Just keep it upbeat, show me that Condi smile.

Condoleeza Rice: [ smiles, gap-tooth in check ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: [ laughs heartily ] That’s perfect! Show me the sneer, when a Democrat gets too specific!

Condoleeza Rice: [ sneers ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: [ laughs heartily ] That is excellent! You’re incredulous!

Condoleeza Rice: [ makes a stone-face ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Good. Good, good. Now, smile!

Condoleeza Rice: [ smiles wide, gap tooth showing ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: [ laughs heartily ] Condi, you are all set!

Condoleeza Rice: Really?

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Oh, uh.. here are a couple of words just to drop in anywhere. Uh.. “Systemic”.. “Historical”.. “Actionable”.. “Flippy the Flip-Flopper”. Work those in.

Condoleeza Rice: Sir, with all due respect, I’m still not certain how to address some of these facts.

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Two words: “It’s classified!” ] chuckles ]

Condoleeza Rice: But they have information, like the titles of the President’s briefing on August 6th.

Vice-President Dick Cheney: No problem. What was that again?

Condoleeza Rice: “Bin Laden determined to attack inside the United States.”

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Okay, that’s bad. Uh.. alright, let’s practice. When they make you say that title, there’s going to be an audible gasp in the room. So you’ve gotta cough – cover up the gasp. Okay, let’s practice. “Miss Rice, can you tell us the name of the PDB?”

Condoleeza Rice: “Bin Laden determined to attack inside he United States.”

Vice-President Dick Cheney: [ overdramatizes the audible gasps ]

Condoleeza Rice: [ coughs loudly, yet politely, into her hand ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: By God, that was good! But, you know, the gasp might be a little longer that that, so just count to 5 Mississippi.

Condoleeza Rice: Okay.. in fact, but does it work?

Vice-President Dick Cheney: The important thing is to get through it and get back on message: “Dick Clarke does heroin!” [ chuckles ]

Condoleeza Rice: What?

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Yeah, big time junkie! Popular guy in Thailansd.

Condoleeza Rice: And we can oprove this?

Vice-President Dick Cheney: I’d love to – but it’s classified!

Condoleeza Rice: [ stunned ] I-I-I’m sorry, Mr. Vice-President, but I-I-I still have my doubts..

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Yeah, I know. But, if all else fails, I did have one other idea that I think would work.

Condoleeza Rice: Yes, please, what is that?

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Well.. I think you should flash a boob.

Condoleeza Rice: [ dismayed ] Excuse me?

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Just one headlight – real quick! [ chuckles ] See, it does two things – you win over the liberals, plus it’s a distraction for the press. You flash a bosom, I guarantee you that’s going to be the headline – not the Bin Laden thing! I guarantee it!

Condoleeza Rice: Sir, I was a Provost at Stanford. I am a concert-level pianist. I’ve read War And Peace in original Russian.

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Oh, loosen up, Condi, we’re talking about one fun bag! It’s perfectly natural!

Condoleeza Rice: [ stands ] I am not a prude, sir. But this hearing is not the forum for that kind of lewd conduct. There are other forums – like pay television, or national sporting championships. That would be fine, but I am the National Security Advisor.

Vice-President Dick Cheney: You’re right. I’m sorry. It was Ashcroft’s idea. [ chuckles ] Condi.. you’re going to be fine.

Condoleeza Rice: Thank you, sir. [ exits office ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: [ leans back in his chair ] Ooh, boy.. oh, boy..

[ dissolve to Hart Senate Office Building ] [ dissolve to CNN footage of the investigation ] [ SUPER: “9/11 Investigation – Kean Interviews Condoleeza Rice” ]

Kean: Thank you very much, Dr. Rice. I appreciate your statement, your attendance and your service.

Condoleeza Rice: [ smiles wide ]

Kean: I have a couple of questions. As we understand it, when you first came into office, you’d just been through a very difficult campaign .. you walk in and Dick Clarke is talking about al-Qaida should be our number-one priority .. What did you think, and what did you tell the president, as you get that kind of, I suppose, new information for you?

Condoleeza Rice: [ stammers, then pulls her shirt open, pixellated boob exposed ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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