SNL Transcripts: Janet Jackson: 04/10/04: Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 17

03q: Janet Jackson

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Dr. Condoleeza Rice…..Maya Rudolph
Kevin Eubanks…..Finesse Mitchell

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories:

In response to a request by the 9/11 commission, the White House agreed to declassify the President’s daily intelligence briefing from August 6, 2001, entitled “Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.” The committee also wants to see the August 20th briefing, “No, Seriously, Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States,” and the one from the 26th, “Mr. President, Please Put Down the Game Boy, Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.”

Parts of the August sixth memo were just declassified hours ago. Here’s a look of the cover page, with the President’s notes.

[picture of the cover page with sloppy notes written on it, including several games of tic-tac-toe, and the word “GAY” with an arrow pointed towards “Bin Laden,” as well as “Ozzy Rules!” and “I love Condo-Lisa”]

Looks like, um, he was on top of things. That’s good.

Jimmy Fallon: The Jewish holiday Passover began Monday. At Seder tables everywhere, uh, Jews uttered the phrase “Next year in Jerusalem,” where Jews in Jerusalem uttered the phrase, “Get me the hell out of here.”

Tina Fey: While questioning Condoleeza Rice during Thursday’s hearings, Democrat Bob Kerrey mistakenly addressed her as “Dr. Clarke,” and then, even more embarrassingly, as “Omarosa.”

In response to the escalating violence this week in Iraq, President Bush is delaying the return home of 25,000 troops, and will actually add reinforcements to the South. So then, in a symbolic gesture, he pulled down the “Mission Accomplished” banner, put on a flight suit, walked backwards to a jet fighter, and flew it in reverse off an aircraft carrier.

Jimmy Fallon: A, uh- a Ringling Brothers Circus daredevil shocked the crowd at Madison Square Garden Tuesday, when he slipped off a high wire and plunged more than thirty feet to the ground. The trick was called the “Howard Dean.”

To make matters worse, when the paramedics showed up, there was no room in the ambulance. Absolutely terrible, terrible evening at the circus. [picture of small ambulance filled with clowns; some applause]

Tina Fey: The big story this week was Condoleeza Rice’s testimony before the committee to investigate pre-9/11 intelligence failures. Here now with further comment is Condoleeza Rice. [pan to Dr. Rice] [SUPER: “Dr. Condoleeza Rice / National Security Advisor”]

Dr. Condoleeza Rice: [in a serious tone] Hello Tina, Jimmy. Thank you for this opportunity to further discuss these issues. Tina, as I have said, there was no “silver bullet” that would have prevented the attacks. Richard Clarke did issue that memo, and I did read it. But it was purely an historical document, not a plan to prevent the tragedy from occurring.

Tina Fey: Well, you know, Dr. Rice, your testimony in front of the commission was all done under oath, but this is, uh, this is all strictly off the record here.

Dr. Condoleeza Rice: Oh, off the record?

Tina Fey: Mm-hmm.

Dr. Condoleeza Rice: OK, here’s what went down. I got that memo, and I was like, oh, brudder. So I went right into the President’s office, and I was like, “Hey, dude! You have to read this!” And he was just like, uhhh, duhhhh.

And I go, “Mr. President, this could be really important!” And he’s like, uhhh, duhhhh.

Tina Fey: So you never got him to read it?

Dr. Condoleeza Rice: No! Do you know how hard it is to get him off that treadmill once he gets going? He’s, like, a hamster in a little wheel! Then- then he goes, [squinting] “Show it to Cheney.”

So I head over to Heart Attack Jones’ office, and he’s like, [imitating a robot] “Reep-ropp-ropp-roop-roop-roop. Show it to Fleischer.”

Tina Fey: So did you try anyone else? Did you try Fleischer?

Dr. Condoleeza Rice: I took it to Ari Fleischer, but when I got to his office there was a scrunchie on his doorknob, which meant his j-date had gone very well. I- I couldn’t get anyone to read it, it was hopeless!

Tina Fey: So they all ignored it. Why did you cover for them?

Dr. Condoleeza Rice: On the record? [seriously] Because I believe in the vision of this administration, and want to help them bring democracy to the world.

Off the record? [hand to her mouth] They bought me a Range Rover and promised me VP in ’08, y’all! Bye!

Tina Fey: Condie Rice, everyone! [applause] Condoleeza Rice, one of two, equally delightful-[referring to a previous sketch in which Dr. Rice was played by host Janet Jackson]

Jimmy Fallon: It is rumored that Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee are back together. Apparently they were seen holding genitals in public.

Tina Fey: This Wednesday marked the 100th anniversary of New York’s Times Square. To celebrate, a bunch of tourists got in everyone’s way. [applause]

While on vacation in Hawaii Wednesday, California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger rescued a swimmer from drowning. No word yet whether Arnold knew that the swimmer was drowning, or if this was just a groping gone good.

Jimmy Fallon: The son of Libyan leader Moammar Kadaffi has invited Jews who were kicked out of his country in 1967 to come back, saying that Libya is their country, and their original homeland. A spokesman for Jews responded, [clarinet music plays; Jimmy imitates Woody Allen] “You know, I- I’d love to, you know, but I’ve already got plans to time travel back to Nazi Germany.” [applause]

Tina Fey: Bravo- [cracks up] Bravo is planning a spinoff of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” called “Queer Eye for the Straight Girl,” in which a group of gay men will help a heterosexual woman confirm her fears that she’s fat and disgusting.

Jennifer Lopez will be interviewed by James Lipton on “Inside the Actor’s Studio.” Even for James Lipton, that’s gonna be a lot of ass to kiss. [some applause]

The renowned Carnegie Deli in New York City failed its third health inspection in three months this week.

Jimmy Fallon: Aww man, I love the Carnegie! That- that’s where they have those huge sandwiches named after celebrities.

Tina Fey: Yeah.

Jimmy Fallon: You know- you know they got a sandwich named after me, uh, the Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: Yeah, it’s 170 pounds of ham with a bad haircut.

[Cut to Kevin Eubanks, suddenly sitting next to Jimmy, holding his guitar]

Kevin Eubanks: [extended laughter] Oh, snap! Ha! Oh man, Jimmy! [laughter]

Jimmy Fallon: Wow, hilarious. Kevin Eubanks from “The Tonight Show,” everybody! [applause] Hilarious! That actually made you-

Kevin Eubanks: She got you, Jimmy! Ha! She got- 170 pounds of ham! [laughter]

Jimmy Fallon: That got you! That got you, been crackin’ you up, man. Hey, what are you, uh, what are you doing here, buddy?

Kevin Eubanks: I just can’t take it anymore! [laughs] I’m gonna snap, man! [laughs] I’m gonna snap!

Jimmy Fallon: Kevin Eubanks, everybody! [applause] Good to see you, man!

Tina Fey: [picture of Victoria’s Secret advertisement featuring Bob Dylan and a young girl] I think I finally figured out the message of the new Victoria’s Secret commercial. Buy our lingerie, or Bob Dylan will kill this model.

Ingvar Kamprad, the Swedish man who founded Ikea, has overtaken Bill Gates as the world’s richest man, with a fortune of 53 billion dollars. He plans to use the money to finally buy some nice furniture. [some applause]

Jimmy Fallon: On Tuesday, the Alabama senate voted to make whiskey the official state spirit. This replaces Alabama’s old official state spirit: racism. [some applause]

Tina Fey: It was reported- [pause] It was reported that Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones are trying to have a third child together. Ugh, Michael Douglas, we get it! Your junk still works! Leave that poor lady alone!

Dutch eye surgeons have created “Jewel Eye,” which is a tiny bobble that is implanted in the thin membrane in front of the eyeball, which, though gross, is still better than Jewel teeth. [picture of pop singer Jewel and her bad teeth]

Jimmy Fallon: Wait a second! Wait a second. Jewel Eye?

Tina Fey: Yeah.

Jimmy Fallon: Jewel Eye! That’s my favorite James Bond film!

[reaches to pick up a cordless microphone, stands up, and waves the mic like James Bond waving a gun. Bond movie-style music plays]

“Jewel Eye
Watch out for that thing in her eye
Mean guy
Gonna build a bomb, take away our jewels
Jewel Eyeeeee-yieeee, yeah!”

[applause]

For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Jimmy Fallon: Jewel Eye…

Tina Fey: Jewel Eye…

[fade]

Submitted by: Mike Arroyo

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