SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/01/04

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 18

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


May 1st, 2004

Lindsay Lohan



9/11 BriefingSummary: Vice-President Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond) briefs President George W. Bush (Will Forte) on the 9/11 hearings.

Recurring Characters: George W. Bush, Dick Cheney.



Lindsay Lohan’s MonologueSummary: Lindsay Lohan apologizes to Hillary Duff (Rachel Dratch), who apologizes to Avril Lavigne (Amy Poehler), who apologizes to Whitney Houston (Maya Rudolph), who doesn’t apologize to Chris Parnell.

Recurring Characters: Avril Lavigne, Whitney Houston.

Bio: Teen actress Lindsay Lohan (1986-) stars in the film “Mean Girls”, written by Tina Fey.

Also Hosted: 04t, 05p.


Turlington’s Lower Back Tattoo RemoverSummary: Dr. Edward Turlington’s (Chris Parnell) lotion erases Mom’s (Amy Poehler) youthful attempts at coolness.


Jarret’s RoomSummary: Forced to move out of their dorm room, Jarret (Jimmy Fallon) and Goby (Horatio Sanz) welcome the new student (Lindsay Lohan) who’s moving in.

Recurring Characters: Jarret, Goby, DJ Jonathan Feinstein.


Hogwart’s AcademySummary: Hermione’s (Lindsay Lohan) summer growth spurt rages pre-wizard hormones among her classmates.

Recurring Characters: Harry Potter.


Billy JoelSummary: Drunken Billy Joel (Horatio Sanz) drives teenage girls (Lindsay Lohan, Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, Rachel Dratch) to Russell Simmons’ party.

Note: Of the objects thrown at the windshield to make it look like Billy Joel is driving into them, a mailbox lands firmly on the hood and remains in place until Horatio Sanz reaches out of the window to knock it off with a wine bottle.


Usher, with Ludacris, performs “Yeah”Bio: Usher (1978-) began his singing career in the church choir in Atlanta, Georgia prior to becoming a popular R&B performer and actor.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: G.E.D. candidate Jorge Rodriguez (Horatio Sanz) tells his personal story of triumph.

Recurring Characters: Jorge Rodriguez.


Debbie DownerSummary: Debbie Downer (Rachel Dratch) cracks up while focusing on the bad side of life.

Recurring Characters: Debbie Downer.


Club TraxxSummary: Pretend lesbian group D.A.D.I. (Lindsay Lohan, Rachel Dratch) performs in the studio.

Recurring Characters: Beertje van Beers, Leonard.


The SleepoverSummary: Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) invites the most popular girl (Lindsay Lohan) at school over for a sleepover.

Recurring Characters: Kaitlin, Rick.

Note: This sketch was cut from the previous episode hosted by Janet Jackson.


Usher performs “Burn”

17th Annual Adult Movie AwardsSummary: Due to the sensitive nature of the broadcast, the awards show is cut short.

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsals of the episodes hosted by Colin Firth and Ben Affleck.



Dress Rehearsal Cuts

CheerleadersSummary: The head cheerleader (Amy Poehler) gets stuck in the clouds after a powerful boost.

The BathtubSummary: A conversation between family members takes place exclusively in the bathtub.

“The Adventures Of Harold”Summary: T. Sean Shannon film follows the adventures of a 12-year old bald boy at school.

Note: This film appears on the season finale episode hosted by Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen.

Spy GlassSummary: Teen correspondent (Lindsay Lohan) gabs celebrity gossip with Ian Gerrard (Seth Meyers) and Zoe Anderton (Amy Poehler).

Recurring Characters: Ian Gerrard, Zoe Anderton, Gene Shalit.

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