SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/01/04


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 18

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


May 1st, 2004

Lindsay Lohan



9/11 BriefingSummary: Vice-President Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond) briefs President George W. Bush (Will Forte) on the 9/11 hearings.

Recurring Characters: George W. Bush, Dick Cheney.



Lindsay Lohan’s MonologueSummary: Lindsay Lohan apologizes to Hillary Duff (Rachel Dratch), who apologizes to Avril Lavigne (Amy Poehler), who apologizes to Whitney Houston (Maya Rudolph), who doesn’t apologize to Chris Parnell.

Recurring Characters: Avril Lavigne, Whitney Houston.

Bio: Teen actress Lindsay Lohan (1986-) stars in the film “Mean Girls”, written by Tina Fey.

Also Hosted: 04t, 05p.


Turlington’s Lower Back Tattoo RemoverSummary: Dr. Edward Turlington’s (Chris Parnell) lotion erases Mom’s (Amy Poehler) youthful attempts at coolness.


Jarret’s RoomSummary: Forced to move out of their dorm room, Jarret (Jimmy Fallon) and Goby (Horatio Sanz) welcome the new student (Lindsay Lohan) who’s moving in.

Recurring Characters: Jarret, Goby, DJ Jonathan Feinstein.


Hogwart’s AcademySummary: Hermione’s (Lindsay Lohan) summer growth spurt rages pre-wizard hormones among her classmates.

Recurring Characters: Harry Potter.


Billy JoelSummary: Drunken Billy Joel (Horatio Sanz) drives teenage girls (Lindsay Lohan, Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, Rachel Dratch) to Russell Simmons’ party.

Note: Of the objects thrown at the windshield to make it look like Billy Joel is driving into them, a mailbox lands firmly on the hood and remains in place until Horatio Sanz reaches out of the window to knock it off with a wine bottle.


Usher, with Ludacris, performs “Yeah”Bio: Usher (1978-) began his singing career in the church choir in Atlanta, Georgia prior to becoming a popular R&B performer and actor.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: G.E.D. candidate Jorge Rodriguez (Horatio Sanz) tells his personal story of triumph.

Recurring Characters: Jorge Rodriguez.


Debbie DownerSummary: Debbie Downer (Rachel Dratch) cracks up while focusing on the bad side of life.

Recurring Characters: Debbie Downer.


Club TraxxSummary: Pretend lesbian group D.A.D.I. (Lindsay Lohan, Rachel Dratch) performs in the studio.

Recurring Characters: Beertje van Beers, Leonard.


The SleepoverSummary: Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) invites the most popular girl (Lindsay Lohan) at school over for a sleepover.

Recurring Characters: Kaitlin, Rick.

Note: This sketch was cut from the previous episode hosted by Janet Jackson.


Usher performs “Burn”

17th Annual Adult Movie AwardsSummary: Due to the sensitive nature of the broadcast, the awards show is cut short.

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsals of the episodes hosted by Colin Firth and Ben Affleck.



Dress Rehearsal Cuts

CheerleadersSummary: The head cheerleader (Amy Poehler) gets stuck in the clouds after a powerful boost.

The BathtubSummary: A conversation between family members takes place exclusively in the bathtub.

“The Adventures Of Harold”Summary: T. Sean Shannon film follows the adventures of a 12-year old bald boy at school.

Note: This film appears on the season finale episode hosted by Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen.

Spy GlassSummary: Teen correspondent (Lindsay Lohan) gabs celebrity gossip with Ian Gerrard (Seth Meyers) and Zoe Anderton (Amy Poehler).

Recurring Characters: Ian Gerrard, Zoe Anderton, Gene Shalit.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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