SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/01/04: Billy Joel


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 18

03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Billy Joel

Girl 1…..Lindsay Lohan
Girl 2…..Amy Poehler
Girl 3…..Tina Fey
Girl 4…..Maya Rudolph
Billy Joel…..Horatio Sanz

(Opens with girls 2,3 and 4 getting in the backseat ofa car, they hold exotic drinks, girl 1 jumps on thepassenger seat)

Girl 2: Ha! It’s this one you guys. It’s right over here.

Girl 1: I cannot believe we’re actually partying in the Hampton’s!

Girl 4: This is so cool! How do you get some completestranger to drive us over to Russel Simmons’s party?

Girl 3: I know how she did it! (They all laugh)

Girl 2: You guys! It wasn’t like that! It was thecoolest. I saw this old guy sleeping on a table, Iwoke him up and he says he drives us wherever we wantto go.

Girl 1: Well, I’m ready to party! Where is this guy?

(Billy Joel gets in the driver’s seat and he’ssinging)

Billy Joel: Sing us a song you’re the piano man, sing us asong tonight. (Stops singing) Hello ladies! I’ll beyour chauffeur tonight. Billy Joel’s my name,driving’s the game! You may also know some of mysongs. “Piano man” “Uptown girl” “Still rock and rollto me” Nothing? (Girls nod their heads no) Ah, nobiggy. Where are you off to ladies?

Girl 1: We’re going to Russell Simmons’s house. (Theytake off)

Billy Joel: Been there many times. I’ve pissed on that poolbefore if you know what I mean.

Girl 3: No. What do you mean?

Billy Joel: I went to the bathroom in the pool. I think Ishould warn you I’m an excellent driver.

Girl 3: You look really familiar.

Billy Joel: Yeah, I’m Billy Joel. (Sings) You had to be abig shot, didn’t ya? Had to open up your mouth! (Stopssinging) Nothing? Oh, well what the hell! We’re in theHamptons. I can drive these streets blind.

Girl 1: Oh my God! (Car swerves, tires screech)

Billy Joel: That was close! (sings) Almost gave me a heartattack ak-ak-ak-ak (stops singing) Hahaha! Oh, that’s mysong from “Movin out”

Girl 3: Now I know who you are! You’re the guy thatwrote that musical.

Girl 1: Oh yeah, my mom took my nana and my aunt to that.

Billy Joel: Interesting story. It’s actually basedon… (Billy completely turns around to talk to thegirls on the backseat, girls scream)

Girl 1: Oh, my God!! (2 trash cans bounce from the hoodof the car, Billy takes the wheel and laughs)

Billy Joel: Oh!, couple of trash cans on the street! Uh…what was I saying?

Girl 2: Pay attention to the road, mister!

Billy Joel: You don’t need to worry about that. I’m anexcellent captain. I also wrote this littlediddy. (sings) Bottle of red, bottle of white… (stopssinging and once again turns to the backseat) ActuallyI got a bottle in the backseat probably.

Girls-Watch out!! (Children’s toys bounce and fly overthe hood of the car)

Girl 1: What are you doing?

Girls: Mailbox! Mmailbox!

(Mailbox crashes into the car and it lands right inthe middle of the windshield completely blocking theview. Amy is heard yelling “Oh my God!” and everyoneis cracking up. Horatio gets halfway out of the carthrough the car window and pushes the mailbox off thecar with a bottle. Much cheers and applause from theaudience for the blooper)

Girl 1: You know…

Billy Joel: (sings with a bottle) Look at this.Bottle ofpineapple Schnapps! Hells yeah! (takes a swig)

Girl 1: I could drive! I could drive! I could drive! Icould drive!

Billy Joel: Don’t even worry about it! These are mystreets! I’m a Long Island boy! Shortcut!!!! (crashthrough a gate, wood shatters and flies all over theplace, girls scream) (sings and pretends to play pianoon the dashboard) Friday night I crashed your party,Saturday I said I’m sorry! (stops singing) Right,ladies?

Girls: DOG!!!

Billy Joel:Ahhh! (dog bounces off the hood, woof!) Don’tworry, don’t worry! He’ll be all right. I’ve hit thatdog before! All right, too much excitement! I’m gonnapass out for a few seconds. (Billy passes out, carswerves out of control)

Girl 2: What?!

Girl 4: Do something!!

Girl 2: Grab the wheel!!

Girl 1: I don’t know what to do!

Girl 2: Wake up!, wake up!

(Billy wakes up)

Billy Joel: What?!, what?!, what?! (sings and dances) Andwe’re living here in Allentown!! (stops singing) Hey!,who’s driving this buggy?

Girl 3: You are mister! Please, stop!

Girl 1: I want to get out of this car right now!!

Billy Joel: (sings and pretends to play on thedashboard) I’d rather laugh with the sinners than crywith the saints, sinners are much more fun, only thegood die young!! (stops singing) Woooo!!!!

Girl 1: You know what? You are scaring me mister!

Billy Joel: Don’t I know it!

Girls: A brick wall!!!!Look out!!!

Billy Joel: Aaaaaahhhh!!!!!

(They crash against the brick wall and pieces of itslam on the hood of the car, car stops)

Girl 2: Oh, my God! You could’ve killed us you creep!!

Girl 1: You should be in jail!!


Billy Joel: True. True enough. But I give you the estate ofMr. Russell Simmons’s!

(The girls all change their tunes)

Girls: Oooohhh!

Girl 1: Hey, are you gonna come in?

Billy Joel: Oh, man! I haven’t missed a party in theHampton’s in 20 years! Just point me towards the pool!

Girl 4: I wonder if there’s gonna be a band there….

(They all get of the car towards the party)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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