Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 18
9/11 Briefing
Vice-President Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
President George W. Bush…..Will Forte
President George W. Bush: Knock knock.
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Oh, good morning, Mr. President. Some coffee?
President George W. Bush: No. I’m good. [ holds up a Big Gulp ]
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Alright. [ they sit ] You, uh.. you ready for our interview with the 9/11 commission?
President George W. Bush: Oh, I’m feeling great! I’m gonna ace this baby, estch!
Vice-President Dick Cheney: I’m glad to hear you’re so confident. Now.. Mr. President, we’re gonna have you answer the majority of the questions, so that people know that you’re in charge.
President George W. Bush: [ eating a muffin ] Mmm mmm.. I’m George W. Bush, and I approve this muffin.
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Okay, Mr. President. Let’s just go over the signals we worked out, in case you can’t remember what to say.
President George W. Bush: Oh, forget the signals. I’m not scared of this commission. I’m ready for their questions! You see, people underestimate me – they think I’m dumb!
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Th-th-they think you’re like Rain Man.. without the math skills?
President George W. Bush: Exactly! But I’m smarter than that. I’m also an excellent driver!
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Even so, if you don’t mind I’d like to go over your.. testimony one more time, Mr. President.
President George W. Bush: Fine! Let’s do it. Let’s do it.
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Okay. Here we go. “After leaving Florida, why was Air Force One sent to Omaha rather than returning to Washington?”
President George W. Bush: Uhhhh.. let’s see.. [ clears throat ] “It was a, uh.. [ looks on his hand ] ..stop-gap precautionary measure. Until we had., uh.. fully assessed the threat level.. in and around the White.. House.”
Vice-President Dick Cheney: That’s good.
President George W. Bush: [ proudly ] Yeah, I got it written on my hand here! [ laughs ]
Vice-President Dick Cheney: I noticed that. Okay, next, uh.. “What actions, if any, were taken on the day you received the PDB regarding bin Laden’s threat of attack within the United States?”
President George W. Bush: I was hoping that one wasn’t gonna be on the quiz.
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Well, I’m sure they’re gonna ask that question.
President George W. Bush: Alright, don’t worry.. don’t worry. Piece of cake. [ brief pause ] “Mr. Commissioner.. that’s a very good question, and I’ll tell you what I did after receiving that alarming information. [ pulls up his pants leg, reading from his leg ] A general alert.. was sent out.. to all.. law enforcement agencies –“
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Mr. President.. Mr. President.. okay, okay.. let me just stop you right there. I don’t think you’re gonna get away with that.
President George W. Bush: Yeah, you’re right – too much leg sweat, words get all smudgy.
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Alright. Let’s focus on something else. What if they ask you about.. integrating the intelligence-gathering branches of the federal government?
President George W. Bush: [ closes his eyes deep in thought ] I will be reassuring. I will seek to put their minds at ease. I will say, “Gentlemen, I have good news.”
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Good news?
President George W. Bush: I just saved a lot of money on my car insurance. ‘Cause I’m an excellent driver!
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Please.. please don’t say that..
President George W. Bush: What? It’s an icebreaker!
Vice-President Dick Cheney: No, Mr. President.. you didn’t read any of the notes I made for you, did you?
President George W. Bush: I thought we laid this down on Day One – I’m not gonna be reading anything.
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Uh.. Mr. President, the commission’s gonna be in the Oval Office within the hour. Do you think you’re prepared to sit ofr nearly four hours of questioning?
President George W. Bush: [ sipping his Big Gulp ] In a row?!
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Yes, sir. In a row. Mr. President, you’ve got to remember that body language is gonna be very important.
President George W. Bush: Oh, don’t worry, Dick – I’ve been working on it.
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Alright. If they ask you about national security, you want to appear confident.
[ Bush folds his arms tightly ]Vice-President Dick Cheney: Alright. If they ask you about the FBI – thoughtful.
[ Bush places his folded hand upon his chin ]Vice-President Dick Cheney: If they ask you about funds diverted from Afghanistan – nothing to hide.
[ Bush spreads his legs apart and entices his hands in a “Gimme” pose ]Vice-President Dick Cheney: Alright, let’s go through it one more time. Confident.
[ Bush folds his arms tightly ]Vice-President Dick Cheney: Thoughtful.
[ Bush places his folded hand upon his chin ]Vice-President Dick Cheney: Nothing to hide.
[ Bush spreads his legs apart and entices his hands in a “Gimme” pose ]President George W. Bush: I got this body language thing down, I’m in control! Ask me anything! Come on!
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Alright. “Mr. President, was the invasion of Iraq something you had planned from the very moment you took office?”
[ Bush wraps one leg around the other, and buries his face in his hands ]Vice-President Dick Cheney: Mr. President? Excuse me. Sir, you’re gonna have to say something. Sir! Say something!
President George W. Bush: [ lowers his hands from his face ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
