SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/01/04: Jarret’s Room


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 18

03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Jarret’s Room

Jarret…..Jimmy Fallon
Goby…..Horatio Sanz
Skyler…..Lindsay Lohan
DJ Jonathon Feinstein…..Seth Meyers

(screen appears with Jarrets Room website and Jarret fixing the camera)

Jarret: What’s up guys, it’s me Jarret; how you doing. Coming to you live here at Hampton College; we’ve got a great show for tonight. Give it up for my house DJ Jonathon Feinstein.

(“Toxic” by Britney Spears begins playing as DJ Feinsten, dressed in a nude unitard with sparkles on it, dances inappropriately)

Jarret: Dude, dude that’s gross.

DJ Feinsten: Is it.

Jarret: Yeah it is.

DJ Feinsten: I agree.

(Jarret nods his add in confusion as he moves the camera)

Jarret: That was weird. Now give it up for my best friend and my roommate Goby.

(Goby walks in and places his face in front of the camera)

Goby: Domo we already got the weed smoking robot. Domo (turns head toward Jarret) Domo, Domo, Domo.

(Laughs while he sits down)

Jarret: What a minute; weed-smoking robot. What are you talking about?

Goby: I’m talking about my masterpiece. I’ve invented the world’s first weed smoking robot. I give you Smoketron 3000.

(A robot comes in smoking a weed cigarette.)

Jarret: Wow!

Smoketron 3000: Dude, I’m so totally baked right know. It’s not even funny.

Jarret: Dude, what possible use could anyone have with a weed smoking robot.

Goby: What do you mean, there’s tons. Check this out, robot get me a Pepsi.

Smoketron 3000: Okay.

(Smoketron3000 continues smoking while Goby begins to laugh.)

Smoketron 3000: Wait what?

Goby: I said, Robot get me a Pepsi.

Smoketron 3000: Oh, got it.

(Smoketron 3000 begins leaving then turns around.)

Smoketron 3000: Wait what.

(Jarret and Goby both laugh)

Goby: Awesome.

Jarret: Goby…

Goby: He’s like me.

Jarret: I know, I know. You can’t even use the telephone by yourself how did you invent a robot?

Goby: It was a total accident bro. I was trying to make a bomb out of my dad’s lawnmower.

Jarret: Of course.

Goby: Right, like I do every summer. Long story short, this is what I got.

(Both point toward Smoketron 3000 and laugh)

Goby: Pretty awesome right?

Jarret: I guess so yeah.

Jarret: It’s a sad day here at Jarret’s Room cause yesterday….

Goby: Why?

Jarret: Goby and I found out that after thirteen long years Hampton College is finally making us move off campus. Yeah..

Goby: Wait. We went to college.

Jarret: You know it really makes you think of all the great times we’ve had here…remember our first day in this room.

Goby: Yea, it was so long ago I remember it well. (begins rubbing chin as the screen dissolves)

(Screen plays video of what happened 15 seconds ago; starting from It’s a sad day here at Jarrets Room, ending at Wait we went to college.)

Goby: (continues rubbing chin as he begins to speak) Yes, so very long ago. I remember it well.

(Both begin laughing)

Jarret: That was like twenty seconds ago man.

Goby: Yea, it seemed like yesterday though.

Jarret: Maybe we should use my brain for flashbacks from now on…….Yea

Goby: Yea, we should.

Jarret: Okay good. Well since were moving out we had to figure out who would moving in next year after interviewing thousands of candidates I think we found her, please welcome Skyler.

(Jarret moves the camera to show Skyler coming in. Skyler then looks around as she sits down.)

Skyler: Wooow.

Jarret: So Skyler you psyched to move in….

Skyler: Dude, no way, you’re that guy Jarret.

Jarret: Yea. (with a confused face.)

Skyler: This room is awesome I wish I could live here.

Jarret: You are, remember I said you could move into my room.

Skyler: Oh yeah.

Jarret: Yeah, are you psyched.

Skyler: Dude, you’re that guy Jarret.

Jarret: Yea.

(Skyler continues looking around as Jarret continues to look frustrated. Goby is laughing hysterically.)

Skyler: Man, I wish I could live in a room like this one day.

Jarret: (With frustrated voice.) You are!

Goby: Ohh, brother.

(all begin to laugh.)

Skyler: Cool, do I get the robot dude too.

Jarret: Yeah sure,..

Goby: yeah sure, you know what you can take him he’s getting on my nerves. He’s always getting my stash.

(Jarret begins to touch the robot as it passes by.)

Smoketron 3000: Dudes I’m cashed can one of you smoke me out.

(Jarret looks confused as Goby laughs. Skyler hands Smoketron 3000 a weed cigarette.)

Skyler: I got a little.

Smoketron 3000: Awesome, wait are you a cop?

Skyler: Noooo.

Smoketron 3000: Cause’ legally you have to tell me if you are.

Skyler: I’m not a cop dude.

Smoketron 3000: There’s no way I’m going back to jail.

Jarret: Wait, wait, wait your robot’s been to jail?

Goby: Yea dude. He’s on strike three. One more and they’re going to put him away for a long time.

Smoketron 3000: I aint gonna be nobody’s bitch.

(Jarret looks confused as Goby and Skyler laugh.)

Skyler: I’m not a cop dude.

Smoketron 3000: Sweet.

(Jarret looks confused as Smoketron 3000 leaves the camera area.)

Jarret: You realize that robot’s only wasting your weed right.

Goby: Yea tell me about it, he never gets me back.

(robot comes back toward Jarret and Skyler.)

Smoketron 3000: Dude check this out this will freak your beans, what if I’m the human and you are the robot.

Jarret, Skyler and Goby: (Enthusiastcly) Wooaa

Smoketron 3000: Oh man I’m freaking out. I think this stuff was laced; I’ve gotta get outta here.

Goby: Robot, cool out.

(Smoketron 3000 begins going out of control as he begins rolling toward the window. A window cracking his heard.)

Smoketron 3000: (Said as he is falling out of the window.) I REGRET NOTHING!!!

(An object falling on a car is heard as the alarm begins to sound. Jarret looks at Goby confused as Skyler laughs.)

Skyler: That robot just totally jumped out that window!

Jarret: Wow.

Goby: (In a sad voice) He was a good dude.

Jarret: No he wasn’t a good dude he was a bad robot.

Goby: Yea, but still!

Jarret: Well that’s our show DJ Feinsten take us out!

(Jarret moves the camera toward DJ Feinsten as he does the same dance as the introduction. Camera then clicks out and shows a computer’s main screen.)

Submitted by: Roman Silva

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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