SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/01/04: Lindsay Lohan’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 18

03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Lindsay Lohan’s Monologue

…..Lindsey Lohan
Avril Lavigne…..Amy Poehler
…..Chris Parnell
Hillary Duff…..Rachel Dratch
Whitney Houston…..Maya Rudolph

Lindsay Lohan: Thank you! Thanks guys! This is so weird! I cannot believe I’m hosting Saturday Night Live! I’m only 17 so this is insane! Anyway, you might know me as the girl from “Freaky Friday” or as the two girls from “The Parent Trap” when I was little.

(shows picture of Lindsay’s Parent Trap characters, “Hallie and Annie”

There I am! Of course, you might also know me from the pages of Us Weekly as the girl who’s always fighting with Hillary Duff. Yup.

(shows article of Lindsay and Hillary)

That’s me too. But Hillary and I are not mad at each other. W were in a fight because we both dated the same guy and the whole thing was very high school. But we’re both over it now, and to prove it, I invited Hillary Duff to be here with me tonight. So come on out, Hillary!

(Hillary comes out dressed in a pink outfit with a pink hat)

Hillary Duff: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! I can’t believe I’m here hosting Saturday Night Live!

Lindsay Lohan: Umm..okay…anyway, I’m glad we’re clearing things up!

Hillary Duff: I agree, Lindsay. Our whole feud is so yesterday.

(breaks out into song)

“So Yesterday! So yesterday! I’m just a bird that’s already flown away!”

Lindsay Lohan: Okay, um, great. Hillary, I just wanted to say right to your face if I ever did anything to hurt your feelings then I’m sorry and I apologize.

Hillary Duff: Oh thanks, Lindsay. And if I ever sent out a mass email to everyone at the Disney corporation, saying that you are addicted to laxatives and your hair is a weave, then I’m sorry too.

Lindsay Lohan: Whoa whoa, wait a minute! You did what?!

Hillary Duff: I’m so glad we made up! And listen! There’s someone else I’ve been feuding with, because I said she didn’t respect her fans. Avril Lavigne!

(Avril comes on with a white tank top and black pants)

Avril Lavigne: Yeah! F you, Duff!

(audience claps)

Shut up! Be quiet! Stop clapping! F you, Duff! F you, Lohan!

Lindsay Lohan: Me? What did I do?

Avril Lavigne: I don’t know what you did. I’m just mad! I’m like, bleah! Look at me! I’m wearing black nail polish! I’m a punk! Neah! Canada!

(audience claps again)

No! Be quiet!

Hillary Duff: Avril, I’m really really sorry for what I said about you! Do you accept my apology?

Avril Lavigne: I don’t and I won’t and I can’t and I won’t and I don’t!

Hillary Duff: Great!

Lindsay Lohan: Uh, Hillary? She said no. She doesn’t want to be friends with you! Whatever…

Avril Lavigne: Wait! I got something. I gotta apologize too. I was at the Grammy’s, and I was like, Neah! And she was like, Myeah! And I was like, Suck it, Whitney Houston! But now, I don’t even care so I want to apologize!

(Whitney comes on with a white suit and sunglasses)

Whitney Houston: That’s right! (waves at audience) Thank you! Thank you so very much! Avril Lavigne and Whitney Houston are no longer in a feud! Because I accept your apology and I in turn, would like to apologize to my husband, Mr. Bobby Brown! Woo! And the the nation of Is-rye-el. For showing up there, jacked out of my mind!

Lindsay Lohan: Great, so it’s settled! I’m not fighting with Hillary, Hillary’s not fighting with Avril, Avril’s not mad at Whitney, and Whitney Houston is not going to get high and go to Israel anymore. Whitney: That’s right!

(Chris Parnell enters)

Chris Parnell: Uh, excuse me, Ms. Houston? I think you owe me an apology!

Lindsay Lohan: Chris, uh, what are you doing?

Chris Parnell: Uh, pardon me, Lindsay. Uh, Whitney, my name is Chris Parnell. Thank you. Let me be the first to explain to you that there is a code of ethics among celebrities, such as you and myself, that if we run into each other at LAX or La Guardia, we exchange pleasantries. I was on a flight with you a few months ago and I gave the customary head nod. (demonstrates the head nod) And you chose to ignore me!

Whitney Houston: Yes!

Chris Parnell: Now, I don’t know if you were thrown off by the fact that I was in coach and you were in first…

Whitney Houston: That’s right!

Chris Parnell: Okay, but I will not be treated with that kind of disrespect!

Whitney Houston: Woo!

Chris Parnell: I went to the North Carolina School of the Arts!

Whitney Houston: Amen!

Lindsay Lohan: Chris, relax. Relax.

Chris Parnell: I’m sorry, Lindsay.

Lindsay Lohan: It’s okay.

Chris Parnell: I’m sorry you had to see that. And um, Happy Birthday in advance. I know froma website that I frequent, you turn 18 in 63 days and 25 minutes.

Lindsay Lohan: Thanks…

Avril Lavigne: Awww, man! F you! You’re gross, Parnell!

Chris Parnell: (to Hillary) When do you turn 18?

Hillary Duff: Never!

Lindsay Lohan: Ohmigod, this is going to get me into more trouble. We have a great show for you guys! Usher is here! So stick around and we’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Lindsey B.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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