SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/01/04: Hogwart’s Academy


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 18

03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Hogwart’s Academy

Written by: Joe Kelly

Ron Weasley…..Seth Meyers
Harry Potter…..Rachel Dratch
Hermione Granger…..Lindsay Lohan
Fred Weasley…..Chris Parnell
George Weasley…..Jimmy Fallon
Severus Snape…..Will Forte
Rubeus Hagrid…..Horatio Sanz

[open on exterior of Hogwarts Castle with title: “Hogwart’s Academy” in Harry Potter-style letters] [dissolve to interior, Gryffindor common room, Harry is already present and wearing red and yellow Gryffindor scarf]

Ron: [running down stairs, also wearing Gryffindor scarf] Harry! Harry! Harry Potter! Welcome back! Did you have a good summer?

Harry: No! Voldemort’s returned, and he’s trying to kill me…again!

Ron: I heard. We need Hermione. Is she here yet?

[Hermione enters, wearing a blouse with a plunging neckline, and possessing big breasts and a rather significant cleavage]

Hermione: I got here hours ago. I’ve been in the library, reseraching cloaking spells.

Ron: [takes notice of Hermione’s cleavage] Ah, heh, ah, Hermione! Mmmmm…ha, oh, hmmm…

Harry: Hello, Hermione. Welcome back. How was your summer?

Hermione: Boring. Nothing happened.

Harry: Really? [ looking at Hermione’s chest ] Seems like a lot happened.

Hermione: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Ron: I can think of a couple things that happened. It’s just that, you see, it’s only been a few months since we last saw you, yet, um, ah, ha…wow! [Harry fixes him with a glare]

Harry: Ron just means that, ah, you look very nice, Hermione.

Hermione: Thank you, Harry. But we have to perform this cloaking spell to protect you from Voldemort. [raises arms and clasps her hands behind her head, thus enhancing her bosom] Protectium invisibum! Come on, what are you waiting for?

[Harry and Ron assume the same pose as Hermione]

Harry and Ron: Protectama invibaba… [mumbling as they stare into Hermione’s cleavage]

Hermione: Are you concentrating on the spell?

Harry and Ron: Uh-huh. [shaking heads “no”]

Hermione: It doesn’t seem to be working!

[Fred and George come down the stairs]

Fred: Hey, Nimrod 2000’s, did you hear the news?

George: Yes, Malfoy bought out all the Firebolts for all the Slyther… [Fred’s jaw drops and so does George’s as soon as he sees Hermione]…ha-ba-ba-ba…Hello, Hermi—Hello, Hermione.

Hermione: Hello, Fred, George. How are you?

Fred and George: Hello, Hermi-aye-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai!

Fred: [ to Hermione ] How are you?

George: How are you doing?

Fred: Let’s hang out for a minute. Incindio! [a fire flares up in the fireplace]

George: Couchio. [a couch behind them moved forward] [Fred and George guide Hermione to sit on the couch with them]

Fred: Stereo. [Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” plays]

Harry: Gah! [music stops] We’re very busy right now! If you haven’t heard, Voldemort has returned and is trying to recruit the Dementors to take over Hogwarts!

George: Hey, Potter, cool it with the nerd stuff. Shut up.

Fred: Listen, we got a place off campus and a mini-fridge filled with butterbeer.

Hermione: I’m sorry boys, we can’t waste time. We’ll celebrate after we defeat Voldemort. [gets off the couch]

George: What a tease. [Fred and George get up from the couch]

Fred: Well, if you’ll excuse us, we’re off to go beat a couple of bludgers.

Harry: Ah, ah, going to play some Quidditch?

Fred and George: No.

Hermione: All right, the cloaking spell didn’t work. Let’s try a reverse enchantment. [clasps her hands behind her back and thrusts slightly forward with each repetition] Abrendium madicen. Abrendium madicen. Abrendium madicen. The magic isn’t happening!

Ron: I’m going to disagree with you.

Hermione: But it’s not working.

Ron: Oh, it’s working so much. Please don’t stop.

[Snape enters from stage left, wearing black robes]

Snape: What are you children doing out of bed?

Hermione: Professor Snape! [thrusts her chest in Snape’s face]

Snape: Hey-o! [shields eyes] Okay, let’s break it up here. Let’s move along. [lasciviously] Hermione, is that you?

Hermione: Yes, Professor Snape.

Snape: [nicely] Please, call me Severus. [turns serious] No, no, please call me Professor, Professor Snape! Okay, that’s fifty points each from Gryffindor! Now, go to bed! [exits stage left]

Hermione: All right, we have to hurry. This is our last chance. [takes a book from the table and sets it on the floor] Madame Helena’s Book of Incantations. [picks up an enormous magnifying glass and holds it directly in front of her chest] The print is so small! Ah, that’s better.

Ron: I’ll say.

[Harry and Ron peer into the opposite side of the magnifying glass while Hermione reads]

Hermione: It says here, “Sun to moon, moon to sun, the twilight at will, come undone!” What does that mean?

Harry: I don’t know, but it’s making me nervous and sweaty.

[Hagrid comes down the staircase, wearing green groundskeeper’s robes]

Hermione: Hagrid!

Hagrid: Hello, kids!

Ron: Hagrid.

Hagrid: [to Hermione] Hello, who are you?

Hermione: Hagrid, it’s Hermione.

Hagrid: [eyes widen] Yikes. What happened? Take it out of my brain, take it out! Doot-doot-doot-doot-doot! Okay, well, all right, I’d better go out to the woods and tame my dragon.

Harry: Ah, you got a new pet?

Hagrid: [pause] Nope.

Hermione: I give up. This is ridiculous. We didn’t get anything done, and Voldemort’s on the loose. I’m going upstairs to have a bath. [exits stage right]

Ron: [giddy with lust] Um, Harry. That invisibility cloak, do you still have access to that?

Harry and Ron: Woo-hoo-ha-ha-ha! [they jump and scurry around excitedly as the camera zooms out onto the set of SNL and the sketch ends]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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