Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 18
Written by: Joe Kelly
Ron Weasley…..Seth Meyers
Harry Potter…..Rachel Dratch
Hermione Granger…..Lindsay Lohan
Fred Weasley…..Chris Parnell
George Weasley…..Jimmy Fallon
Severus Snape…..Will Forte
Rubeus Hagrid…..Horatio Sanz
[open on exterior of Hogwarts Castle with title: “Hogwarts Academy” in Harry Potter-style letters] [dissolve to interior, Gryffindor common room, Harry is already present and wearing red and yellow Gryffindor scarf]
Ron: [running down stairs, also wearing Gryffindor scarf] Harry! Harry! Harry Potter! Welcome back! Did you have a good summer?
Harry: No! Voldemort’s returned, and he’s trying to kill me…again!
Ron: I heard. We need Hermione. Is she here yet?
Hermione: I got here hours ago. I’ve been in the library, reseraching cloaking spells.
Ron: [takes notice of Hermiones cleavage] Ah, heh, ah, Hermione! Mmmmm…ha, oh, hmmm
Harry: Hello, Hermione. Welcome back. How was your summer?
Hermione: Boring. Nothing happened.
Harry: Really? [ looking at Hermione’s chest ] Seems like a lot happened.
Hermione: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Ron: I can think of a couple things that happened. It’s just that, you see, it’s only been a few months since we last saw you, yet, um, ah, ha…wow! [Harry fixes him with a glare]
Harry: Ron just means that, ah, you look very nice, Hermione.
Hermione: Thank you, Harry. But we have to perform this cloaking spell to protect you from Voldemort. [raises arms and clasps her hands behind her head, thus enhancing her bosom] Protectium invisibum! Come on, what are you waiting for?[Harry and Ron assume the same pose as Hermione]
Harry and Ron: Protectama invibaba… [mumbling as they stare into Hermiones cleavage]
Hermione: Are you concentrating on the spell?
Harry and Ron: Uh-huh. [shaking heads “no”]
Hermione: It doesn’t seem to be working![Fred and George come down the stairs]
Fred: Hey, Nimrod 2000s, did you hear the news?
George: Yes, Malfoy bought out all the Firebolts for all the Slyther… [Freds jaw drops and so does Georges as soon as he sees Hermione] ha-ba-ba-ba…Hello, HermiHello, Hermione.
Hermione: Hello, Fred, George. How are you?
Fred and George: Hello, Hermi-aye-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai!
Fred: [ to Hermione ] How are you?
George: How are you doing?
Fred: Let’s hang out for a minute. Incindio! [a fire flares up in the fireplace]
George: Couchio. [a couch behind them moved forward] [Fred and George guide Hermione to sit on the couch with them]
Fred: Stereo. [Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” plays]
Harry: Gah! [music stops] We’re very busy right now! If you haven’t heard, Voldemort has returned and is trying to recruit the Dementors to take over Hogwarts!
George: Hey, Potter, cool it with the nerd stuff. Shut up.
Fred: Listen, we got a place off campus and a mini-fridge filled with butterbeer.
Hermione: I’m sorry boys, we can’t waste time. We’ll celebrate after we defeat Voldemort. [gets off the couch]
George: What a tease. [Fred and George get up from the couch]
Fred: Well, if you’ll excuse us, we’re off to go beat a couple of bludgers.
Harry: Ah, ah, going to play some Quidditch?
Fred and George: No.
Hermione: All right, the cloaking spell didn’t work. Let’s try a reverse enchantment. [clasps her hands behind her back and thrusts slightly forward with each repetition] Abrendium madicen. Abrendium madicen. Abrendium madicen. The magic isn’t happening!
Ron: I’m going to disagree with you.
Hermione: But it’s not working.
Ron: Oh, it’s working so much. Please don’t stop.
Snape: What are you children doing out of bed?
Hermione: Professor Snape! [thrusts her chest in Snapes face]
Snape: Hey-o! [shields eyes] Okay, let’s break it up here. Let’s move along. [lasciviously] Hermione, is that you?
Hermione: Yes, Professor Snape.
Snape: [nicely] Please, call me Severus. [turns serious] No, no, please call me Professor, Professor Snape! Okay, that’s fifty points each from Gryffindor! Now, go to bed! [exits stage left]
Hermione: All right, we have to hurry. This is our last chance. [takes a book from the table and sets it on the floor] Madame Helena’s Book of Incantations. [picks up an enormous magnifying glass and holds it directly in front of her chest] The print is so small! Ah, that’s better.
Ron: I’ll say.[Harry and Ron peer into the opposite side of the magnifying glass while Hermione reads]
Hermione: It says here, “Sun to moon, moon to sun, the twilight at will, come undone!” What does that mean?
Harry: I don’t know, but it’s making me nervous and sweaty.[Hagrid comes down the staircase, wearing green groundskeeper’s robes]
Hagrid: Hello, kids!
Hagrid: [to Hermione] Hello, who are you?
Hermione: Hagrid, it’s Hermione.
Hagrid: [eyes widen] Yikes. What happened? Take it out of my brain, take it out! Doot-doot-doot-doot-doot! Okay, well, all right, I’d better go out to the woods and tame my dragon.
Harry: Ah, you got a new pet?
Hagrid: [pause] Nope.
Hermione: I give up. This is ridiculous. We didn’t get anything done, and Voldemort’s on the loose. I’m going upstairs to have a bath. [exits stage right]
Ron: [giddy with lust] Um, Harry. That invisibility cloak, do you still have access to that?
Harry and Ron: Woo-hoo-ha-ha-ha! [they jump and scurry around excitedly as the camera zooms out onto the set of SNL and the sketch ends]
Submitted by: DavidK93