SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/01/04: Hogwart’s Academy

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18

03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Hogwart’s Academy

Written by: Joe Kelly

Ron Weasley…..Seth Meyers
Harry Potter…..Rachel Dratch
Hermione Granger…..Lindsay Lohan
Fred Weasley…..Chris Parnell
George Weasley…..Jimmy Fallon
Severus Snape…..Will Forte
Rubeus Hagrid…..Horatio Sanz

[open on exterior of Hogwarts Castle with title: “Hogwart’s Academy” in Harry Potter-style letters] [dissolve to interior, Gryffindor common room, Harry is already present and wearing red and yellow Gryffindor scarf]

Ron: [running down stairs, also wearing Gryffindor scarf] Harry! Harry! Harry Potter! Welcome back! Did you have a good summer?

Harry: No! Voldemort’s returned, and he’s trying to kill me…again!

Ron: I heard. We need Hermione. Is she here yet?

[Hermione enters, wearing a blouse with a plunging neckline, and possessing big breasts and a rather significant cleavage]

Hermione: I got here hours ago. I’ve been in the library, reseraching cloaking spells.

Ron: [takes notice of Hermione’s cleavage] Ah, heh, ah, Hermione! Mmmmm…ha, oh, hmmm…

Harry: Hello, Hermione. Welcome back. How was your summer?

Hermione: Boring. Nothing happened.

Harry: Really? [ looking at Hermione’s chest ] Seems like a lot happened.

Hermione: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Ron: I can think of a couple things that happened. It’s just that, you see, it’s only been a few months since we last saw you, yet, um, ah, ha…wow! [Harry fixes him with a glare]

Harry: Ron just means that, ah, you look very nice, Hermione.

Hermione: Thank you, Harry. But we have to perform this cloaking spell to protect you from Voldemort. [raises arms and clasps her hands behind her head, thus enhancing her bosom] Protectium invisibum! Come on, what are you waiting for?

[Harry and Ron assume the same pose as Hermione]

Harry and Ron: Protectama invibaba… [mumbling as they stare into Hermione’s cleavage]

Hermione: Are you concentrating on the spell?

Harry and Ron: Uh-huh. [shaking heads “no”]

Hermione: It doesn’t seem to be working!

[Fred and George come down the stairs]

Fred: Hey, Nimrod 2000’s, did you hear the news?

George: Yes, Malfoy bought out all the Firebolts for all the Slyther… [Fred’s jaw drops and so does George’s as soon as he sees Hermione]…ha-ba-ba-ba…Hello, Hermi—Hello, Hermione.

Hermione: Hello, Fred, George. How are you?

Fred and George: Hello, Hermi-aye-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai!

Fred: [ to Hermione ] How are you?

George: How are you doing?

Fred: Let’s hang out for a minute. Incindio! [a fire flares up in the fireplace]

George: Couchio. [a couch behind them moved forward] [Fred and George guide Hermione to sit on the couch with them]

Fred: Stereo. [Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” plays]

Harry: Gah! [music stops] We’re very busy right now! If you haven’t heard, Voldemort has returned and is trying to recruit the Dementors to take over Hogwarts!

George: Hey, Potter, cool it with the nerd stuff. Shut up.

Fred: Listen, we got a place off campus and a mini-fridge filled with butterbeer.

Hermione: I’m sorry boys, we can’t waste time. We’ll celebrate after we defeat Voldemort. [gets off the couch]

George: What a tease. [Fred and George get up from the couch]

Fred: Well, if you’ll excuse us, we’re off to go beat a couple of bludgers.

Harry: Ah, ah, going to play some Quidditch?

Fred and George: No.

Hermione: All right, the cloaking spell didn’t work. Let’s try a reverse enchantment. [clasps her hands behind her back and thrusts slightly forward with each repetition] Abrendium madicen. Abrendium madicen. Abrendium madicen. The magic isn’t happening!

Ron: I’m going to disagree with you.

Hermione: But it’s not working.

Ron: Oh, it’s working so much. Please don’t stop.

[Snape enters from stage left, wearing black robes]

Snape: What are you children doing out of bed?

Hermione: Professor Snape! [thrusts her chest in Snape’s face]

Snape: Hey-o! [shields eyes] Okay, let’s break it up here. Let’s move along. [lasciviously] Hermione, is that you?

Hermione: Yes, Professor Snape.

Snape: [nicely] Please, call me Severus. [turns serious] No, no, please call me Professor, Professor Snape! Okay, that’s fifty points each from Gryffindor! Now, go to bed! [exits stage left]

Hermione: All right, we have to hurry. This is our last chance. [takes a book from the table and sets it on the floor] Madame Helena’s Book of Incantations. [picks up an enormous magnifying glass and holds it directly in front of her chest] The print is so small! Ah, that’s better.

Ron: I’ll say.

[Harry and Ron peer into the opposite side of the magnifying glass while Hermione reads]

Hermione: It says here, “Sun to moon, moon to sun, the twilight at will, come undone!” What does that mean?

Harry: I don’t know, but it’s making me nervous and sweaty.

[Hagrid comes down the staircase, wearing green groundskeeper’s robes]

Hermione: Hagrid!

Hagrid: Hello, kids!

Ron: Hagrid.

Hagrid: [to Hermione] Hello, who are you?

Hermione: Hagrid, it’s Hermione.

Hagrid: [eyes widen] Yikes. What happened? Take it out of my brain, take it out! Doot-doot-doot-doot-doot! Okay, well, all right, I’d better go out to the woods and tame my dragon.

Harry: Ah, you got a new pet?

Hagrid: [pause] Nope.

Hermione: I give up. This is ridiculous. We didn’t get anything done, and Voldemort’s on the loose. I’m going upstairs to have a bath. [exits stage right]

Ron: [giddy with lust] Um, Harry. That invisibility cloak, do you still have access to that?

Harry and Ron: Woo-hoo-ha-ha-ha! [they jump and scurry around excitedly as the camera zooms out onto the set of SNL and the sketch ends]

Submitted by: DavidK93

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