SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/01/04: Turlington’s Lower Back Tattoo Remover

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 18

03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Turlington’s Lower Back Tattoo Remover

Written by: Joe Kelly

Mom…..Amy Poehler
Dr. Edward Turlington…..Chris Parnell

[ open on Mom setting the kitchen table for breakfast ]

Mom: Boys! Breakfast is ready!

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: There’s a serious problem afflicting a generation of women, and, if not treated early on, it will only get worse as you get older..

[ Mom reaches high into the cupboard, revealing a lower back tattoo that reads “Juicy” ]

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: Really cool lower back tattoos. Seemed like such a good idea at the time, didn’t it?

[ Mom nods ashamedly ]

Dr. Edward Turlington: Hello. I’m Dr. Edward Turlington. Studies show that, next to smoking and having sex, getting a lower back tattoo is the best thing a young woman can do to be cool. And you ladies were cool. But now look at you. Let’s face it – you’re not young any more. You’re not even close.

[ various moms’ back tattoos are shown aged, faded and haggard ]

Dr. Edward Turlington: That’s why you need.. Turlington’s Lower Back Tattoo Remover.

[ Dr. Turlington holds up product ]

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: Look.. here’s a really cool lower back tattoo on an attractive 20-year old girl.

[ slim figure has lower back tattoo reading “Pretty Lady” ]

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: Now, watch what happens to that tattoo when that young girl becomes a 65-ywar old woman.

[ slim figure ages badly with wrinkles, the lower back tattoo stretching to read “Pretty Sad” ]

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: Pretty sad indeed. That’s why I developed Turlington’s Lower Back Tattoo Remover. Just apply once, every hour, for 72 straight hours. And watch that tattoo slowly burn away.

[ deodorant-like canister is rubbed back and forth across the tattoo ]

Mom: Mother (bleep)!!

Dr. Edward Turlington: That tingling means it’s working. Soon enough, that silly mistake will be long gone..

[ show lower back tattoo-free but covered with unsightly welts and scars ]

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: ..and that slight discoloration will be the only thing to remind you of that crazy weekend in Jamaica.

[ Mom hugs her son, as a little black boy enters scene for a hug ]

Dr. Edward Turlington: Well.. maybe not the only thing. [ chuckles ]

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: Turlington’s Lower Back Tattoo Remover.

[ show Mom applying the remover to her tattoo ]

Mom: Ahhhh!!

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: Because it won’t be cool forever.

[ fade ]

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