Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 18
Turlington’s Lower Back Tattoo Remover
Written by: Joe Kelly
Dr. Edward Turlington…..Chris Parnell
[ open on Mom setting the kitchen table for breakfast ]
Mom: Boys! Breakfast is ready!
Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: There’s a serious problem afflicting a generation of women, and, if not treated early on, it will only get worse as you get older..
[ Mom reaches high into the cupboard, revealing a lower back tattoo that reads “Juicy” ]
Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: Really cool lower back tattoos. Seemed like such a good idea at the time, didn’t it?
[ Mom nods ashamedly ]
Dr. Edward Turlington: Hello. I’m Dr. Edward Turlington. Studies show that, next to smoking and having sex, getting a lower back tattoo is the best thing a young woman can do to be cool. And you ladies were cool. But now look at you. Let’s face it – you’re not young any more. You’re not even close.
[ various moms’ back tattoos are shown aged, faded and haggard ]
Dr. Edward Turlington: That’s why you need.. Turlington’s Lower Back Tattoo Remover.
[ Dr. Turlington holds up product ]
Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: Look.. here’s a really cool lower back tattoo on an attractive 20-year old girl.
[ slim figure has lower back tattoo reading “Pretty Lady” ]
Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: Now, watch what happens to that tattoo when that young girl becomes a 65-ywar old woman.
[ slim figure ages badly with wrinkles, the lower back tattoo stretching to read “Pretty Sad” ]
Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: Pretty sad indeed. That’s why I developed Turlington’s Lower Back Tattoo Remover. Just apply once, every hour, for 72 straight hours. And watch that tattoo slowly burn away.
[ deodorant-like canister is rubbed back and forth across the tattoo ]
Mom: Mother (bleep)!!
Dr. Edward Turlington: That tingling means it’s working. Soon enough, that silly mistake will be long gone..
[ show lower back tattoo-free but covered with unsightly welts and scars ]
Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: ..and that slight discoloration will be the only thing to remind you of that crazy weekend in Jamaica.
[ Mom hugs her son, as a little black boy enters scene for a hug ]
Dr. Edward Turlington: Well.. maybe not the only thing. [ chuckles ]
Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: Turlington’s Lower Back Tattoo Remover.
[ show Mom applying the remover to her tattoo ]
Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: Because it won’t be cool forever.
[ fade ]