SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/01/04: Turlington’s Lower Back Tattoo Remover


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 18

03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Turlington’s Lower Back Tattoo Remover

Written by: Joe Kelly

Mom…..Amy Poehler
Dr. Edward Turlington…..Chris Parnell

[ open on Mom setting the kitchen table for breakfast ]

Mom: Boys! Breakfast is ready!

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: There’s a serious problem afflicting a generation of women, and, if not treated early on, it will only get worse as you get older..

[ Mom reaches high into the cupboard, revealing a lower back tattoo that reads “Juicy” ]

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: Really cool lower back tattoos. Seemed like such a good idea at the time, didn’t it?

[ Mom nods ashamedly ]

Dr. Edward Turlington: Hello. I’m Dr. Edward Turlington. Studies show that, next to smoking and having sex, getting a lower back tattoo is the best thing a young woman can do to be cool. And you ladies were cool. But now look at you. Let’s face it – you’re not young any more. You’re not even close.

[ various moms’ back tattoos are shown aged, faded and haggard ]

Dr. Edward Turlington: That’s why you need.. Turlington’s Lower Back Tattoo Remover.

[ Dr. Turlington holds up product ]

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: Look.. here’s a really cool lower back tattoo on an attractive 20-year old girl.

[ slim figure has lower back tattoo reading “Pretty Lady” ]

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: Now, watch what happens to that tattoo when that young girl becomes a 65-ywar old woman.

[ slim figure ages badly with wrinkles, the lower back tattoo stretching to read “Pretty Sad” ]

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: Pretty sad indeed. That’s why I developed Turlington’s Lower Back Tattoo Remover. Just apply once, every hour, for 72 straight hours. And watch that tattoo slowly burn away.

[ deodorant-like canister is rubbed back and forth across the tattoo ]

Mom: Mother (bleep)!!

Dr. Edward Turlington: That tingling means it’s working. Soon enough, that silly mistake will be long gone..

[ show lower back tattoo-free but covered with unsightly welts and scars ]

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: ..and that slight discoloration will be the only thing to remind you of that crazy weekend in Jamaica.

[ Mom hugs her son, as a little black boy enters scene for a hug ]

Dr. Edward Turlington: Well.. maybe not the only thing. [ chuckles ]

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: Turlington’s Lower Back Tattoo Remover.

[ show Mom applying the remover to her tattoo ]

Mom: Ahhhh!!

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: Because it won’t be cool forever.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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