SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/01/04: Club Traxx


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 18

03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Club Traxx

Beertje Van Beers…..Maya Rudolph
Leonard…..Fred Armisen
Chichi Chi…..Amy Poehler
Vidal…..Will Forte
Natasha…..Lindsay Lohan
Tasha…..Rachel Dratch
Yuri…..Chris Parnell

[open on title: “EUROVIZION” followed by full schedule]

Announcer: [voice over] Coming up next on Eurovizion, it’s “Club Traxx.” At 23:01, “The Royal Swedish Ballet.” 23:15, “Child’s Corner.” And at 24:10, it’s “Buttspankers.”

[dissolve to a studio in the style of a dance club with title: “CLUB TRAXX”] [title fades]

Beertje: [with heavy, nondescript European accent] Hey! Hello, freaks! Do you have a clock? Because it’s time to get your freak out! You’re watching television and this is “Club Traxx.” I’m Beertje Van Beers.


Leonard: [with heavy, nondescript European accent] And Leonard!

[titles fade]

Beertje: Hey, guys. Check me out. We’re counting down Eruope’s top video hits. I’d better put on my bikini and my flip flops, because this is the hottest show in the Universe.

Leonard: It’s really great!

Beertje: Wow, Leonard, you seem like one cool dude. Please tell us why this is.

Leonard: Well, this is because I love reggae music. [reggae beat begins, and Leonard speaks in time with it] Yeah, reggae music. With Bob Marley. Drinking coconuts. With a woman. So many dreadlocks. [music stops] Yes, reggae!

Beertje: Hey, pass the dutchie, Rastafari! Now let’s take a look at the top three videos on Eurovizion’s countdown.

Leonard: Coming in at number three, it is Chichi Chi with the song “Neon.”

[dissolve to sequential title screens: “CLUB TRAXX,” “3”] [dissolve to video, with Chichi Chi in a techno club with small Icelandic flag and title: “Chichi Chi ‘Neon'”] [techno music plays while two men in black mesh outfits perfrorm vogue-like dance moves]

Chichi Chi: [singing] “Da-da-da. Da-da-da. Da-da-da. Da-da-da.”

[dissolve to studio]

Beertje: Woo-hoo! Coming in at number two, it’s Vidal with “Don’t Forget to Dance with Me.”

[dissolve to sequential title screens: “CLUB TRAXX,” “2”] [dissolve to video, with Vidal in front of sand dunes with small Greek flag and title: “Vidal ‘Don’t Forget to Dance with Me'”] [Mediterranean music plays]

Vidal: [singing] “Don’t forget to dance with me. / Don’t forget your…” [lyrics indistinct] [dissolve to studio]

Beertje: Hey! And at number one for the eleventieth week in a row, here in the studio, please welcome D.A.D.I.!

[dissolve to sequential title screens: “CLUB TRAXX,” “1”] [dissolve to studio]

Leonard: D.A.D.I.!

Natasha: [with Russian accent] What?! What?! What are you looking at?

[title: “D.A.D.I.”]

Tasha: [with Russian accent] Yeah, what’s the big deal? Have you never seen two innocent girls before?

[title fades]

Natasha: Yeah, what is the big deal? We are just two best friends who love to hold hands. We love to go to the movies. And we love to pretend that we are lesbians and write songs about it! I love you, Tasha!

Tasha: I love you, Natasha!

[Natasha and Tasha grasp each other and flail wildly]

Leonard: Wow! You know, the two of you together is like firecrackers! How did you become this lesbian duo?

Natasha: I was in the army.

Tasha: I was a mail-order bride.

Natasha: And we met Manager Yuri, who told us if we pretend to be lesbians it will sell many records.

[pan to Yuri, offstage, nodding vigorously and giving the thumbs up] [pan to stage]

Beertje: Yeah! What’s up dawg? Lesbians are the new gay people. Yeah!

Leonard: Yes, there are many pictures of them on my portable computer.

Beertje: Oh, cut me some slacks, will you, Leonard? Why don’t you please get a room? Now let’s get the party started. Here to sing their hit song, “We’re on the Run,” is D.A.D.I.!

[pop music plays]

Natasha: “We’re on the run.”

Tasha: “We’re having fun.”

Both: “We don’t need no one / But each other. / We’re about to make out. / Here it comes. / You’re not gonna believe your eyes / When two girls make out. / It’s almost make out time. / Here it is.”

[Natasha and Tasha grasp each other and flail wildly] [music stops]

Beertje: All right! You guys are bad to the bone! So what’s the 4-1-1 on the horizon for D.A.D.I.?

Natasha: First, we are going to say, “No!” to school!

Tasha: Yeah, and spraypaint graffiti against the walls!

Natasha: And crash cars and scream at babies! We’re bad, man. So what?!

Tasha: Also, we are making a world tour to raise money so Yuri can buy a boat.

[pan to Yuri, shrugging] [dissolve to stage]

Beertje: Yeah, man, that’s toxic!

Leonard: Uh, oh. All of this excitement is giving me the blues.

Beertje: Oh, no, Leonard! There he goes again! Everybody!

[a festive beat plays]

Leonard: [singing] “I got the blues.”

Both: [singing] “I got the blues. / I got the blues. / I got the blues.”

[Leonard continues alone]

Beertje: Hey, big ups to D.A.D.I.; you guys are so terribly outrageous.

Natasha: Bad girls, yeah!

Beertje: Peace.

[shot widens to reveal a person dancing in a bunny suit]

All: [singing] “I got the blues. / I got the blues. / I got the blues.”

[title: “CLUB TRAXX”] [fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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