SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/01/04: Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 18

03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Tina Fey
…..Jimmy Fallon
Jorge Rodriguez…..Horatio Sanz

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.

President Bush and Vice President Cheney met privately Thursday with the 9/11 commission in the oval office. As per their agreement, they were allowed to appear together, the meeting was not electronically recorded and they were not under oath. Also, no one was allowed to look at them, talk to them, or ask them questions.

After the meeting, the commission chairman said, “I’m satisfied the president made a good faith effort to answer the questions.” That being said, he got a 310 verbal, 370 math.

Jimmy Fallon: Michael Jackson pleaded not guilty to a Grand Jury indictment charging him with child molestation, adding that if he is guilty of anything, he’s “guilty of loving too much…and, maybe a little child molestation.”

On Sunday, Jackson fired his legal team to replace them with defense attorney Thomas Mezzerough. Then on Thursday, Jackson fired Mezzerough, and replace him with a Madam Tosco’s wax figure of Vincent Price, and a mummified Egyptian house cat.

Tina Fey: Yesterday, in a New Jersey courtroom, former NBA star Jason Williams was acquitted of manslaughter charges, although by all accounts he did pull the trigger in the shooting death of his limo driver. The verdict sends a clear message that no matter where you live retired sports stars are allowed to kill you.

Jimmy Fallon: The treasury department released a newly redesigned 50-dollar bill this week that contains several anti-counterfeiting measures. Also, Grant got himself some Botox.

(Unplanned, interrupting the start of a joke)

Audience member: Jimmy?

Jimmy Fallon: Yea?

Audience member: Uh, yes, over here.

Jimmy Fallon: No, I can’t answer. Yea? I’ll talk to you later on, my brotha. Thank you. I hate when my father gets drunk.

Donald Trump announced this week that he’s getting married for the third time to model Malana Nouce. Trump also announced that somewhere in the world, his forth wife was just born.

When Trump proposed, he gave Nouce a 12-karat diamond ring worth $2 million. It would actually be worth more had he not insisted on carving Trump Engagement Ring on the side.

Tina Fey: John Kerry addressed criticism that he had claimed in 1971 to throw away medals he received in Vietnam. Calling the dispute, “a phony controversy stirred by Republicans”, President Bush fired back saying, [in a bush impression] “If I had one to Vietnam, and I wasn’t such a stone cold dummy and I coulda done something good and gotta medal for it, I sure as heck would have kept it.” That’s my awesome Bush impersonation.

It was announced this week that Bill Clinton’s long awaited memoirs will be published in June, with an initial printing of 1.5 million copies. Here’s a preview of the cover: [image appears of Clinton riding on a unicorn with a mermaid behind him]

Jimmy Fallon: Well it’s May, and that means high school graduation is right around the corner. But we want to make sure that another group of graduates are not forgotten, the people who earn their GED. Here — that’s not a joke. Here with his own personal story of triumph on the General Equivalency Diploma, is Mr. Jorge Rodriguez.

Jorge Rodriguez: Thank you very much Mr. Fallon. When I began to study for the GED, I was a father of four. My back had just gone out and I lost my job at the post office. Nobody would hire me. Not UPS, not Feral Express, not DHL, not..

Jimmy Fallon: What? Like Airborne Express?

Jorge Rodriguez: Airborne Express. I couldn’t even get a job delivering Pizza. Not at Pizza Hut, not at Dominoes, Little Caesar, not at uh.. at um..

Jimmy Fallon: Papa John’s.

Jorge Rodriguez: No. I didn’t apply at Papa John’s.

Jimmy Fallon: Whatever, whatever just keep going we understand.

Jorge Rodriguez: So, anyway I took the GED. And I failed it. I failed Science, I failed Math, I failed, uh..

Jimmy Fallon: English.

Jorge Rodriguez: Yeah, I failed everything. Then I got serious about it and I took it again. But I failed it again. So I sat down and said to myself, Get Real. You gotta pass this test. I got super serious and I studied my head off. And I still failed. I still failed!

Jimmy Fallon: Wait a minute. You failed three times?

Jorge Rodriguez: No. I failed five times. Then I said, I’m going to take this thing one last time. And my friend Pepe told me that he passed by the letter C for every answer.

Jimmy Fallon: And then you passed.

Jorge Rodriguez: No, my friend Pepe was wrong.

Jimmy Fallon: Why are you here?

Jorge Rodriguez: I’m looking for Pepe. Anybody know Pepe? Anybody?

Jimmy Fallon: I think he was just up there.[ Points to where heckler was]

Jorge Rodriguez: Don’t worry. Don’t worry, Jimmy Fallon. I’m gonna get Pepe. Your ass is grass and I’m the lawnmower. I’m the Toro, I’m the Honda, I’m the John Deere, I’m the snapper, I’m..

Jimmy Fallon: [Interrupting Jorge] Okay. Okay. That’s enough. Jorge Rodriguez everyone.

Tina Fey: Ben Affleck is joining Senator Ted Kennedy to campaign for a rise in the American minimum wage. But, first – cocktails!

The national censor for gay and lesbian rights this week honored Sharon Stone. Citing her unending support of gay and lesbian haircuts.

Jimmy Fallon: A new poll says that if there was a vote for first lady, Laura Bush would beat Teresa Heinz Kerry in a 2 to 1 landslide. The poll has a margin of error of plus or minus total irrelevance.

Tina Fey: A Norwegian couple is using money from their porn website to help save the environment. Apparently, they plant a tree for every dunderstrudel that they flurgen.

Jimmy Fallon: Wait a second. These Norwegian people, they plant a tree every time the slarbul each other’s ganickanorks?

Tina Fey: Oob.

Jimmy Fallon: Wait. Wait. Vunken Oob?

Tina Fey: Yeah dude. Flunking oob flurm.

A lawyer in the Philippines is arguing that cocaine that was found in his client’s rooster’s cage belonged to the rooster and not his client. He may have a case because when the rooster took the stand it would not shut up.

Jimmy Fallon: Experts said Monday that doctors are seeing an alarming rise in drug-resistant cases of gonorrhea. [ Camera zooms in on Jimmy] Again, you’re welcome.

Lulu, a pet kangaroo who help save the life of an Australian farmer last year, will be honored with the RSPCA’s national animal valor award. Or as Lulu the kangaroo will think of it,not food.

Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey!

Jimmy Fallon: And I’m Jimmy Fallon!

Both: Good night, and have a pleasant tommorow.

Submitted by: John Doe

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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