Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 19
President George W. Bush…..Will Forte
Donald Rumsfeld…..Darrell Hammond
Condoleeza Rice…..Maya Rudolph
[ open on exterior, White House ] [ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, President George W. Bush speaking with Donald Rumsfeld as Condoleeza Rice watches ]
President George W. Bush: Donald.. I thought you did real good testifying in front of the committee yesterday. I thought you really stuck it to them. Especially that old guy with the big head!
Donald Rumsfeld: You’re talking about Ted Kennedy?
President George W. Bush: Yeah. That guy!
Donald Rumsfeld: Well, thank you. Thank you, Mr. President, I appreciate that, but, uh.. I also see the writing on the wall. The American people want me to go. And you yourself got pretty mad at me. So.. maybe it’s time.. I should go. I don’t want to miss my plane. I just want you to know.. I’ll never forget all that we had.
President George W. Bush: Neither will I.[ they hug ]
Donald Rumsfeld: Alright, now I really do need to go. I’m off to a NATO conference. In Paris. Au revoir.[ Rumsfeld exits the Oval Office ]
Condoleeza Rice: So.. you just let him go, sir.
President George W. Bush: Yes, I did, Condi.
Condoleeza Rice: Well.. maybe it’s for the best, sir. A lot of people were calling for his resignation. Maybe, politically, it’s better for you. You know, you two need to be away from each other, and.. maybe you can finally.. get over him.
President George W. Bush: It’s true. Except.. I don’t want to get over him.
Condoleeza Rice: You’re going to go after him, sir? [ excited ] My taxi’s outside! I’ll drive you to the airport![ “Friends” theme plays as we dissolve to nighttime exterior shot of the White House ] [ dissolve back to interior, Oval Office ]
President George W. Bush: [ re-enters ] I’m going to check my messages here.[ Bush presses button on answering machine, as the tape rewinds and begins to play ]
Voice of Donald Rumsfeld: Mr. President. Hi. It’s me. And I just got on the plane. I just feel awful. And that is so not how I wanted things to end with us. Now I’m just sitting here, and thinking of all the stuff I should have said, and I didn’t, and I.. I mean, I didn’t even get a chance to tell you that I love you, too! Because, of course I do – I love you, I.. I love you. I love you. [ a beat ] What am I doing? I love you! I’ve gotta see you, I’ve gotta get off this plane..
President George W. Bush: [ excited, jumps to his feet ] Oh, my God!
Voice of Donald Rumsfeld: Excuse me..
Voice of Flight Attendant: Mr. Secretary. Please, sit down.
Voice of Donald Rumsfeld: No, I’m sorry. I’m the Secretary of Defense, and I need to get off the plane, okay? I need to just tell someone that I love him!
Voice of Flight Attendant: Mr. Secretary. I can’t let you off the plane.
President George W. Bush: [ screaming ] Let him off the plane!!
Voice of Flight Attendant: I’m afraid you’re going to have to take your seat.
Voice of Donald Rumsfeld: Please, Miss, you don’t understand..
President George W. Bush: Try to understand!!
Voice of Donald Rumsfeld: Oh, come on, Miss! Isn’t there any way that you can just let me off this —[ machine beeps, message over ]
President George W. Bush: [ panicking ] No! No! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Did he get off the plane?! Did he get off the plane?![ cut to Rumsfeld standing in the door frame ]
Donald Rumsfeld: I got off the plane.
President George W. Bush: [ tense excitement fills his face ] You got off the plane.[ they slowly walk toward one another, hug, then open-mouth kiss ]
Donald Rumsfeld: My God.. I do love you.
President George W. Bush: I love you, too.
Donald Rumsfeld: Good! Because this is where I want to be.
President George W. Bush: Oh my God, I’m sorry I got mad at you.. I will never fire you. I-I-I don’t care if you never told me about those pictures.. I-I-I-I.. or all the other stuff happening in Iraq! I don’t want to know anything about Iraq! I hate that place!
Donald Rumsfeld: Don’t you worry – I’ll make sure you know absolutely nothing from now on.
President George W. Bush: Oh, Mr. Secretary.. friends for life?
Donald Rumsfeld: Friends for life. But I do have one more thing that I have to tell you.
President George W. Bush: Ohhh.. you’re not gonna write a book, are ya’?
Donald Rumsfeld: No. It’s worse than that. [ turns to face the camera ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!” [ as Forte moves in for an impromptu kiss, making Hammond laugh as he speaks ]