SNL Transcripts: Snoop Dogg: 05/08/04: Scheinwald Pictures


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 19

03s: Snoop Dogg / Avril Lavigne

Scheinwald Pictures

Abe Scheinwald….Rachel Dratch
Brad Scheinwald….Seth Meyers
Night Terrors….Snopp Dogg

(Opens with the Scheinwald Pictures building. Cut to an office, Brad Scheinwald is a yuppie movie exec, he´s talking with a pimp-looking, gold chain-wearing black guy)

Night Terrors: What I like most about my screenplay “Booty Hotel”, other than the fact that every room in the hotel has a different booty, is its heart. It has a lot of heart.

Brad Scheinwald: I´m gonna be straight with you, Night Terrors — “Booty Hotel” isn´t really our kind of movie.

Night Terrors: But every room in the hotel has a different kind of booty!

Brad Scheinwald: Yeah, you made that very clear. The thing is that Scheinwald Studios is trying to move into a new direction towards more intellectual material.

Night Terrors: You want intellectual? One room has, check it, librarian booty.

Brad Scheinwald: Right, yeah. We´re still going to pass.

(Abe Scheinwald walks into the room eating potato salad and wearing a tuxedo. He´s a short, balding, white haired man with big thick black eyeglasses. He also has a script in his hand.)

Abe Scheinwald: Who wants to make a picture?! (Brad groans) Kiddo! I just found our next moneymaker!! (throws script on the table) Someone left this script in the crapper. “Booty Hotel”! It´s brilliant!! (sits)

Night Terrors: You read my script?

Abe Scheinwald: I read it twice. Nothing was moving down there.

Brad Scheinwald: Grandpa, this gentleman was just leaving.

Abe Scheinwald: No one leaves here unless I say so! (bangs fist into table) I´m Abe Scheinwald! I was making movies while you were still swimming in your dad´s sac!

Brad Scheinwald: Okay, Grandpa.

Abe Scheinwald: Who are you?

Night Terrors: The name is Night Terrors.

Abe Scheinwald: Night Terrors? Farkatke name. Great script, but a farkatke name!

Night Terrors: I like you, weird old dude. You´re like that old muppet that be hanging in the balcony criticizing people.

Abe Scheinwald: Pleasure to meet you. I´m Abe Scheinwald and I make motion pictures. (shakes hands with Night Terrors, sits)

Brad Scheinwald: My grandpa retired from the biz 11 years ago, but still manages to pop in about 5 days a week, about 8 hours a day. I thought you had a doctor´s appointment.

Abe Scheinwald: Feh! What do I need from doctors? Turn your head and cough? No, thanks. I gave at the office. Night Terrors, I´m ready to green light but I have one tiny problem with your script. Can I make a suggestion?

Night Terrors: Most definitely.

Abe Scheinwald: Your hotel is now a boat. “Booty Boat”! Why? More bikinis.

Brad Scheinwald: (disappointed) Great.

Night Terrors: That right there is brilliant. Because some of the bikini stuff did seem a bit shoehorned, but, you know, this movie ain´t just about big, juicy rear shelves. No, sir. It’s about heart and big thick legs and bumpin´ta-tas.

Brad Scheinwald: Pops, I thought Scheinwald Studios was now moving more toward Award-winning fare and, you know, get away from, you know, bumpin´ta-tas.

Abe Scheinwald: Since when do you decide what interests us? (to Night Terrors) This one wanted me to make a movie about a kid at school who had magical powers. I said I liked it better the first time, when it was called “Teen Wolf”!

Brad Scheinwald: It was “Harry Potter”. We passed on “Harry Potter”.

(Abe gives a thumbs down and blows a few raspberries. Keeps eating potato salad)

Abe Scheinwald: Now, who do you see in the role of Party Ho Number Two?

Night Terrors: Well, there´s only two choices. Halle Berry, or my sister´s friend Dartrella. She´s always telling me to stop hanging around the nail shop. But I bet if I put her in a movie, she´d drop all that attitude.

Abe Scheinwald: You know, the receptionist over at my foot doctor´s would make a good fit, too. She hasn´t got a lot of experience, but I bet she takes her top off for snail!

(Seth ad-libs, aware of Rachel´s word mistake)

Brad Scheinwald: For what?

Abe Scheinwald: (Rachel cracks up a little) I´m sorry. For scale!

Brad Scheinwald: Just promise me — yeah, I understand…

Abe Scheinwald: (Rachel ad-libs) It’s the business! (eats potato salad)

Brad Scheinwald: I´m in the business — just promise me neither of you will never compromise, guys.

Abe Scheinwald: Now, okay. These robots — would there be real robots, or actresses in costumes? I´m leaning towards the latter.

Night Terrors: Yo´, then we got a problem because I won´t compromise. This story is based on my life. They got to be real robots.

Abe Scheinwald: Ah, Night Terrors, you got to trust me. I´ve produced over 51 motion pictures! (pounds on table)

Brad Scheinwald: Just say 52.

Abe Scheinwald: Such as “Great American Panty Raid”!

Night Terrors: Oooh! That´s a good film.

Abe Scheinwald: “Bikini Hospital”!

Night Terrors: Classic.

Abe Scheinwald: “Escape To Nipple Island”!

Night Terrors: One of a kind!

Abe Scheinwald: “Escape From Nipple Island”!

Night Terrors: Oooh! Top shelf!

Abe Scheinwald: “Pardon Me Ma´am: You´re Stepping On My Ding-Dong”!

Night Terrors: You brought new life to a sagging franchise.

Abe Scheinwald: Not to mention some of the most beloved black-themed movies of the 70´s. Such as “Bride of Blackenstein”! “Whitey and Cinnamon: Attorneys At Law”!

Brad Scheinwald: Lawyers…

Abe Scheinwald: And “It Came From Outer Space And It was Black”!

Night Terrors: My people — I tell you, my people owe you a debt of gratitude.

Abe Scheinwald: Now, are we on the same page?

Night Terrors: Mr. Scheinwald, I believe you and I are completely in tune. Clearly, you understand the power of double-D breasts. Because we both know that if you get a girl with double-D´s, then you will double these. (takes out a dollar bill)

Abe Scheinwald: Double D´s, double these… (looks at Brad for confirmation)

Brad Scheinwald: (defeated) Double D´s, double these…

Abe Scheinwald: Ha, ha, ha! Finally, he comes around! I was losing hope with this one. He wanted me to make a movie about a scientist and his crazy experiments. I said, I liked it better the first time when it was called “The Nutty Professor”!

Brad Scheinwald: It was “A Beautiful Mind”. We passed on “A Beautiful Mind”.

Abe Scheinwald: Pfffffttt!! (gives a thumbs down)

Night Terrors: Mr. Scheinwald, this is a dream come true.

Abe Scheinwald: Ha-ha! Let´s make a picture! (shakes hands with Night Terrors)

(cheers and applause)


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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