Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 19
Abe Scheinwald….Rachel Dratch
Brad Scheinwald….Seth Meyers
Night Terrors….Snopp Dogg
(Opens with the Scheinwald Pictures building. Cut to an office, Brad Scheinwald is a yuppie movie exec, he´s talking with a pimp-looking, gold chain-wearing black guy)
Night Terrors: What I like most about my screenplay “Booty Hotel”, other than the fact that every room in the hotel has a different booty, is its heart. It has a lot of heart.
Brad Scheinwald: I´m gonna be straight with you, Night Terrors — “Booty Hotel” isn´t really our kind of movie.
Night Terrors: But every room in the hotel has a different kind of booty!
Brad Scheinwald: Yeah, you made that very clear. The thing is that Scheinwald Studios is trying to move into a new direction towards more intellectual material.
Night Terrors: You want intellectual? One room has, check it, librarian booty.
Brad Scheinwald: Right, yeah. We´re still going to pass.
(Abe Scheinwald walks into the room eating potato salad and wearing a tuxedo. He´s a short, balding, white haired man with big thick black eyeglasses. He also has a script in his hand.)
Abe Scheinwald: Who wants to make a picture?! (Brad groans) Kiddo! I just found our next moneymaker!! (throws script on the table) Someone left this script in the crapper. “Booty Hotel”! It´s brilliant!! (sits)
Night Terrors: You read my script?
Abe Scheinwald: I read it twice. Nothing was moving down there.
Brad Scheinwald: Grandpa, this gentleman was just leaving.
Abe Scheinwald: No one leaves here unless I say so! (bangs fist into table) I´m Abe Scheinwald! I was making movies while you were still swimming in your dad´s sac!
Brad Scheinwald: Okay, Grandpa.
Abe Scheinwald: Who are you?
Night Terrors: The name is Night Terrors.
Abe Scheinwald: Night Terrors? Farkatke name. Great script, but a farkatke name!
Night Terrors: I like you, weird old dude. You´re like that old muppet that be hanging in the balcony criticizing people.
Abe Scheinwald: Pleasure to meet you. I´m Abe Scheinwald and I make motion pictures. (shakes hands with Night Terrors, sits)
Brad Scheinwald: My grandpa retired from the biz 11 years ago, but still manages to pop in about 5 days a week, about 8 hours a day. I thought you had a doctor´s appointment.
Abe Scheinwald: Feh! What do I need from doctors? Turn your head and cough? No, thanks. I gave at the office. Night Terrors, I´m ready to green light but I have one tiny problem with your script. Can I make a suggestion?
Night Terrors: Most definitely.
Abe Scheinwald: Your hotel is now a boat. “Booty Boat”! Why? More bikinis.
Brad Scheinwald: (disappointed) Great.
Night Terrors: That right there is brilliant. Because some of the bikini stuff did seem a bit shoehorned, but, you know, this movie ain´t just about big, juicy rear shelves. No, sir. It’s about heart and big thick legs and bumpin´ta-tas.
Brad Scheinwald: Pops, I thought Scheinwald Studios was now moving more toward Award-winning fare and, you know, get away from, you know, bumpin´ta-tas.
Abe Scheinwald: Since when do you decide what interests us? (to Night Terrors) This one wanted me to make a movie about a kid at school who had magical powers. I said I liked it better the first time, when it was called “Teen Wolf”!
Brad Scheinwald: It was “Harry Potter”. We passed on “Harry Potter”.
(Abe gives a thumbs down and blows a few raspberries. Keeps eating potato salad)
Abe Scheinwald: Now, who do you see in the role of Party Ho Number Two?
Night Terrors: Well, there´s only two choices. Halle Berry, or my sister´s friend Dartrella. She´s always telling me to stop hanging around the nail shop. But I bet if I put her in a movie, she´d drop all that attitude.
Abe Scheinwald: You know, the receptionist over at my foot doctor´s would make a good fit, too. She hasn´t got a lot of experience, but I bet she takes her top off for snail!
(Seth ad-libs, aware of Rachel´s word mistake)
Brad Scheinwald: For what?
Abe Scheinwald: (Rachel cracks up a little) I´m sorry. For scale!
Brad Scheinwald: Just promise me — yeah, I understand…
Abe Scheinwald: (Rachel ad-libs) It’s the business! (eats potato salad)
Brad Scheinwald: I´m in the business — just promise me neither of you will never compromise, guys.
Abe Scheinwald: Now, okay. These robots — would there be real robots, or actresses in costumes? I´m leaning towards the latter.
Night Terrors: Yo´, then we got a problem because I won´t compromise. This story is based on my life. They got to be real robots.
Abe Scheinwald: Ah, Night Terrors, you got to trust me. I´ve produced over 51 motion pictures! (pounds on table)
Brad Scheinwald: Just say 52.
Abe Scheinwald: Such as “Great American Panty Raid”!
Night Terrors: Oooh! That´s a good film.
Abe Scheinwald: “Bikini Hospital”!
Night Terrors: Classic.
Abe Scheinwald: “Escape To Nipple Island”!
Night Terrors: One of a kind!
Abe Scheinwald: “Escape From Nipple Island”!
Night Terrors: Oooh! Top shelf!
Abe Scheinwald: “Pardon Me Ma´am: You´re Stepping On My Ding-Dong”!
Night Terrors: You brought new life to a sagging franchise.
Abe Scheinwald: Not to mention some of the most beloved black-themed movies of the 70´s. Such as “Bride of Blackenstein”! “Whitey and Cinnamon: Attorneys At Law”!
Brad Scheinwald: Lawyers…
Abe Scheinwald: And “It Came From Outer Space And It was Black”!
Night Terrors: My people — I tell you, my people owe you a debt of gratitude.
Abe Scheinwald: Now, are we on the same page?
Night Terrors: Mr. Scheinwald, I believe you and I are completely in tune. Clearly, you understand the power of double-D breasts. Because we both know that if you get a girl with double-D´s, then you will double these. (takes out a dollar bill)
Abe Scheinwald: Double D´s, double these… (looks at Brad for confirmation)
Brad Scheinwald: (defeated) Double D´s, double these…
Abe Scheinwald: Ha, ha, ha! Finally, he comes around! I was losing hope with this one. He wanted me to make a movie about a scientist and his crazy experiments. I said, I liked it better the first time when it was called “The Nutty Professor”!
Brad Scheinwald: It was “A Beautiful Mind”. We passed on “A Beautiful Mind”.
Abe Scheinwald: Pfffffttt!! (gives a thumbs down)
Night Terrors: Mr. Scheinwald, this is a dream come true.
Abe Scheinwald: Ha-ha! Let´s make a picture! (shakes hands with Night Terrors)
(cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel