Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 19
03s: Snoop Dogg / Avril Lavigne
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey
…..Tina Fey…..Jimmy Fallon
Rachel Dratch…..Lyndie England
Darrell Hammond…..Bill Clinton
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories.
Well first things first, it’s a … [picture of prisoners on top of each other naked] it’s a good thing there’s no gay people in the military because otherwise weird sex stuff might happen. Defense secretary – oh sure, Defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld facing growing demands that he resign or be fired, apologized to congress Friday for the abuse of Iraqi prisoners. Rumsfeld said “I take full responsibility. This happened on my watch; I feel terrible.” He went on to add, “My heart goes out, yada yada yada, you had me in hello, blah blah blah, I’m a genius, you’re all morons – You can’t handle the truth. Can I go now? Eehhhhhh…
Jimmy Fallon: A new article in “Vanity Fair” says that Bill Clinton is struggling to finish his book, “My Life,” in time for his deadline. It’s not really surprising, since you can only type so fast using one hand.
Tina Fey: And now it’s time for Weekend Update’s “Dirtbag of the Week”…
Jimmy Fallon: She hails from a trailer home in Ashby, West Virginia. After a brief marriage at 19, and a job working at a chicken processing plant, she decided to become a soldier.
Tina Fey: When she’s not disgracing her country in ways that will have international repercussions for decades, she enjoys smoking and getting pregnant in military jail. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome Weekend Update’s “Dirtbag of the Week,” private first class, Lyndie England.[Lyndie England comes out posing as in the pictures]
Congratulations, Lyndie. Here’s your box of Virginia slims.
Lyndie England: Ha-ha. This is for all the dirtbags that came before me, Tonya Harding, Alien Warnos, Amy Fisher, uhh Anna Nicole Smith, uhh who else, Roseanne, Tina Fey.
Jimmy Fallon: All right, get out.
Tina Fey: Get out, get out, dirtbag.
Jimmy Fallon: Lyndie England, everybody.
Tina Fey: You are a dirtbag. Ruining it for everybody.
Sad news out of New York this week, after a Manhattan couple was arrested for child neglect. The couple shown here, [Picture of Ross and Rachel from “Friends”] spent 4 days working out their relationship in a local coffee shop, without once checking in on their 2-year old daughter. They’re sad.
Al Gore announced Tuesday that he plans to launch a 24-hour cable news network for young adults. Gore claims that he’s been wanting to do this since he invented cable TV in the mid 1990s. Gore said that he wants the network to be irreverent and bold, which is why he’s called it, [Gore voice] “The Young Adults Real Time Factual Information Distribution Channel.” Ehhh…
Jimmy Fallon: On Monday, President Bush boarded a bus for a campaign tour across southern Michigan. The president remarked that the bus seemed alot bigger than the one he remembered from school.
An Austrian man is hoping to make it into the record books this week by jumping off a hot air balloon, 6 miles above the earth, and paragliding back down. The record? World’s deadest man.
Tina Fey: Political analysts are asking how the Iraqi prisoner scandal will affect the presidency of George W. Bush. Here with a comment is our dear friend and political correspondent, former president Bill Clinton.
Bill Clinton: Thank You. Thank you all, and thank you especially Tina. You look stunning.
Tina Fey: Thank you.
Bill Clinton: Did you do something to your hair?
Tina Fey: Uh, yes, I blew it straight.
Bill Clinton: I bet you did. What’s up J-bones?
Jimmy Fallon: How’s it going, dog? Good to see ya, man. How are you doing?
Bill Clinton: Oh, you know, just chillin’. You know how we do.
Tina Fey: Now Mr. President, what exactly does this scandal mean for President Bush and the members of his administration?
Bill Clinton: That’s an excellent question, Tina. When I first heard about these charges of abuse, I was outraged. Prisoners being forced into a naked human pyramid is one of the most degrading things imaginable. Ordinarily, I have no problem with naked pyramids. I myself, have participated in literally thousands of them. You can read more about that in my forthcoming book. Specifically chapter 16, “Naked Human Pyramids.” But this one is simply unacceptable. So the question remains, who in the administration will ultimately be held responsible?President Bush? Not likely. Blaming President Bush for this would be like blaming the San Diego chicken when the Padres lose. He’s not running the team, he’s just a big furry mascot. Donald Rumsfeld? Yeah, right. You think Bush is gonna fire Rumsfeld? That be like Paula Abdul trying to fire Simon Cowell. [Gives a thumbs up] By the way, I’m rooting for you, Fantasia. You know who is gonna get the blame for this? Me. They blame me for everything. I didn’t tell them about Osama, the economy tanked because of me. Why did Ben and J-Lo break up? Because of me. Actually, that one WAS because of me. Yeah, somehow they’ll find a way to blame this on Willy Jeff Clinton, but I’m ready. If I have to testify, I’ve got some all new slippery lines I want to try out. For example, “I do not recall what happened that night, because .. I .. was .. stoned.” Bring it on, Bush administration. This time, I’m ready.
Tina Fey: Bill Clinton, everyone.
Jimmy Fallon: It was reported that New York mayor, Mike Bloomberg’s private jet will be outfitted with a state-of-the-art anti-missle defense system. So apparently, peace talks with New Jersey have stalled.
Tina Fey: It has been announced that Pay-Per-View plans to air Playgirl-TV: the first erotic TV channel designed for women, watched by gay men.
It was reported that at the White House correspondence dinner last Saturday, a middle-aged woman flashed her breasts at Ben Affleck and shouted “You are f-ing gorgeous!” Proving once again, that Ann Coulter cannot hold her cocaine.
Jimmy Fallon: For the second consecutive year, Syracuse won the Golden Snowball. A trophy given to the snowiest upstate city in the snowbelt. The trophy was carried through the city with pride by local idiots.
It was reported that police have seized 2 pairs of Michael Jackson’s underpants to determine whether stains found on the pop star’s mattress came from him or boys with whom he shared his bed. Once examined, the underpants will be used by David Gest to make tea.
Tina Fey: Well, tomorrow is Mother’s Day, so don’t forget to call that woman who pushed you out of her vagina, and take her out for some pancakes.
And now, with some thoughts on Mother’s Day, is our own Jimmy Fallon.
Jimmy Fallon: Thanks Tina. [holding guitar] You know, Mother’s Day is really special to me, and I wrote a few songs to show how special it is.
Tina Fey: Ugh, really, again?
Jimmy Fallon: What?
Tina Fey: You’re going to do the song parodies again?
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, I haven’t don’t them all year.
Tina Fey: Yeah but you’ve been doing ’em for sooo long.
Jimmy Fallon: I’ve only done them like 5 times or something.
Tina Fey: Wait, wait. What? You have been doing it for-ev-er. And you’ll see, because I put together this montage to show you in case you tried to do this again. Watch this.[From Salma Hayek Update, 3-15-03, “2003 St. Patrick’s Day Songs”]
Tina Fey: Here with some thoughts on the celebration of all things Irish, is our own Jimmy Fallon.
Jimmy Fallon: [singing]“St. Patrick’s day, I think its wonderful
The day is here, for Guinness beer…”
Colin Quinn: And now, with some thoughts on trick or treating: Jimmy Fallon.
Jimmy Fallon: [singing]“Thank you, Mike ‘n’ Ike
Thank you, Candy Corn
Thank you, thank you, Smarties…”
Jimmy Fallon: Thanks, Kevin Nealon. I really love Bastille Day. Everytime I’m here I’m like…Ohh, I, I love Bastille Day
“I want it to stay Bastille Day
day-ay-ay-yeah yeah yeah… “
Jimmy Fallon: [singing]“Doo do dooo …
woah woah, yeah …”
Jimmy Fallon: Thanks, Charles Rocket. Well, it’s Arbor Day again, my favorite holiday of all time. Sing fast, its Arbor Day.
“I’d like to plant this tree
Even though it makes me happy,
It still depresses me
Trees..do..die, Trees do die… “
Jimmy Fallon: Thanks, Chevy. Can you believe it’s Thanksgiving already? I was listening to President Gerald Ford yesterday, and it made me very thankful.
“Whenever I see a turkey stuffed,
I want to stuff myself
Because I love turkey
Yes I do
Cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie…”
Jimmy Fallon: Thanks, Mr. Cronkite. Hey kids, it’s Flag Day!
“Well, well, well I look at the flag, and be awing you,
I’m looking at you and I think you’re cute,
Flag day, you got me waving
For Alaska, and Hawaii,
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, so?
Tina Fey: Yeah, so this isn’t about Mother’s Day, you just want to sing, and blow smoke.
Jimmy Fallon: Tina, I just love my mother, you know. Mother’s are really special to me –
Tina Fey: [annoyed] Ughhh, just sing.
Jimmy Fallon: Okay, thanks. [Hands Tina a white cap] Here, you wear this.[Jimmy puts on white cap. Usher’s “Yeah” begins playing. Jimmy and Tina begin dancing]
“Tina, don’t be so ridiculous
Your momma was the girl that put you on the bus
Moms are the best, this is what I said
Toast my Eggos in the morning, and she makes my bed
Happy Mother’s Day
Happy Mother’s Day
Take that, rewind it back
Jimmy Fallon got the beat to make your momma go whack
Take that, rewind it back
Jimmy Fallon is about to have a heart attack.”
Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.[Both dancing] [Fade out]
Submitted by: Chris Fuentes