SNL Transcripts: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen: 05/15/04: Hardball


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 20

03t: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen / J-Kwon


Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond
Andrew Card…..Chris Parnell
John Kerry…..Seth Meyers
Rev. Al Sharpton…..Kenan Thompson

Chris Matthews: Welcome back to Hardball, I’m Chris Matthews. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and General Richard Meyers made a surprise visit to Abu Gharib prison in Iraq on Thursday with a message for US troops. That message: “Get me all your digital cameras now, you idiots!” The Iraqi prison abuse scandal continues to grow and President Bush seems content to maintain the status quo, recently telling the embattled Rumsfeld that he was, “doing a superb job.” Keep in mind; he also thought Cuba Gooding Jr. did a superb job in that movie where he played the retarded football player. It begs the question: Does the Bush administration have a bucket big enough to bail the water out of this sinking ship, or what? With us today is White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card.

Andrew Card: Great to be here, Chris.

Chris Matthews: I didn’t ask. Mr. Card, how is Bush going to get himself out of this mess?

Andrew Card: Well first of all, I wouldn’t exactly call it a “mess”.

Chris Matthews: You got to be kidding me, those photos make the prison from Oz look like Hogan’s Heroes.

Andrew Card: Chris, we like to think of this prison abuse scandal as a temporary and almost invisible blemish on what is otherwise, the most flawless presidency in American history.

Chris Matthews: Wow, people have said a lot of wrong things on this show but that might be the wrongest.

Andrew Card: Look Chris, here are the facts: George Bush has never made an incorrect decision. Not one. He is adorable, and charming, and he has a beautiful alto singing voice. The man can tear a phone book in half. And I’ve seen him pull a locomotive with his teeth. These are facts, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Man, oh man. You didn’t just drink the Kool-Aid, you went back for seconds. Joining us now to talk about how all this affects his campaign: Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry.

John Kerry: Thanks for having me, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Nice work Kerry, zero to boring in 1.8 seconds. Senator, the Bush administration is clearly suffering from the scandal, how do you plan to address this?

John Kerry: Actually Chris, I’m not going to say anything.

Chris Matthews: Taking the high road, huh, not gonna talk about the scandal?

John Kerry: No, I’m not going to say anything; at all; about anything. See Chris, whenever I talk, my approval rating plummets. When I shut my mouth, and just let Bush screw up, people love me. I’ve realized something very important, Chris: I am incredibly looong-winded.

Chris Matthews: You’re kiddin’.

John Kerry: No, no I’m not. I’m serious. My advisor alerted me to this problem, I spent the next several hours explaining how they were mistaken. Then they said “see, that’s exactly what we were talking about.” Well, four hours and forty-five minutes later, I think they saw my side of things.

[Matthews is caught tying a noose around his neck, he takes it off when John Kerry stops talking]

Chris Matthews: Oh, thank God you’re done. And not a minute too soon.

John Kerry: Don’t worry about it. Happens to me all the time. The point is, I believe I am the medicine this country needs. Unfortunately, that medicine is NyQuill. But think of it this way, I’m the sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever, so you can rest candidate.

Chris Matthews: Good gravy, I’ve seen more natural looking smiles on pumpkins.

Andrew Card: Can I say something, Chris. If you want to see a beautiful smile, look no further than George W. Bush. He’s never had a cavity, and his breath always smells like a sweet breeze blowing through an orchard of gumdrop trees on the banks of a lemonade stream.

Chris Matthews: Hey Card, when you had your brain washed did you have it waxed too?

[Card nods, laughing]

Chris Matthews: Senator Kerry, if you’re not gonna talk at all then how are you gonna get your message across?

John Kerry: It’s a good question, Chris. I’ll do it through my vice president.

Chris Matthews: So you’ve finally chosen?

John Kerry: Nope, but I think I’ve found my man, you see, people want to vote for me, but they don’t like me. So I went out and got the guy that people like, but don’t want to vote for. It’s my pleasure to introduce, the Reverend Al Sharpton.

[Sharpton makes gestures with his hand as he talks]

Al Sharpton: Chris, I’m outraged.

[Matthews shakes his head back and forth and sighs]

Chris Matthews: Why are you outraged, John Kerry is considering you as his potential running mate?

Al Sharpton: I know, that’s just how I say hello these days. I’m outraged, John, nice weather, what have you.

John Kerry: Huh, huh, hello Al.

Chris Matthews: Reverend Sharpton, you had a little trouble with the Federal Election Commission yesterday. They claimed you overspent $100,000 on your ‘campaign’. How do you respond?

Al Sharpton: Chris, I’ll say what I always say in situations like this. I am good for the money. I have a big eBay auction coming up for my old medallion collection.

[Holds up assorted medallions]

Al Sharpton: That’s right. No reserves, just serious bidders only. Hell, if these elections dudes want to come and take these medallions straight up, I’ll do that, and call it a day.

John Kerry: Al, we should talk about this. Don’t throw away your medals. Coming from a guy who knows.

Chris Matthews: Good Lord, when we come back Al Sharpton’s gonna outline his plan to raise cab fare back to his apartment, and Live from New York, It’s Saturday Night!

Submitted by: Zack Arnson-Serotta

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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