SNL Transcripts: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen: 05/15/04: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 20

03t: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen / J-Kwon

Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen’s Monologue

…..Mary-Kate Olsen
…..Ashley Olsen
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Will Forte
Ashley Olsenberger…..Amy Poehler
Prom Queen Announcer…..Chris Parnell
Mrs. Olsen…..Rachel Dratch
Mr. Olsen…..Fred Armisen

(girls run out and wave)

Mary-Kate: Thank you! Thank you very much!

Ashley: Thank you!

Mary-Kate: We are so happy to be here hosting Saturday Night Live!

Ashley: I’m not.

Mary-Kate: Ashley!

Ashley: Well, I’m not! The thing is, tonight is our senior prom and we’re missing it to host this show.

(audience goes awwwwww)

Mary-Kate: That’s true.

Ashley: See, we’ll never know what it’s like to ride in a limo, and wear fancy dresses, and have someone do our hair.

Mary-Kate: Okay, we get to do that, like, every day.

Ashley: Yeah, but not at a Marriot.

Mary-Kate: Okay, you know, I could tell you were really bummed out about this so I have a little surprise for you. Jimmy…..

(Jimmy Fallon comes out, wearing a powder blue tux carrying a corsage)

Jimmy: Ashley Olsen, will you go to the prom with me?

Ashley: Ohmigosh I’d love to!

Jimmy: Thanks!

Ashley: But I don’t have a dress.

Jimmy: I took care of that! Come on guys!

(stage managers come out holding two dresses. Ashley’s is ugly and looks vinyl, while Mary-Kate’s is fairly decent. They dress both girls)

Mary-Kate: Thanks!

Jimmy: What do you think?

Ashley: Uh… this is what people wear?

Jimmy: Yeah, well, most people aren’t teenage billionaires, so…

(Will comes on with a corsage for Mary-Kate, in a grey coat)

Will: Wow you look wonderful, Mary-Kate! (he pins the corsage onto her and pokes her with the pin)

Mary-Kate: Oww! Thank you, Will!

(twins’ parents come on)

Mrs. Olsen: Ohhh! Get together! Get together! Smile! Oh my baby girls are growing up! Oh my little girls are growing up!

(Mr. Olsen takes pictures of the girls and their dates in front of a fireplace)

Mr. Olsen: Haha…you touch my daughter, I’ll kill you!

Ashley: Dad!

Jimmy: Let’s go! Let’s go you guys! Let’s go!

(American Pie by Madonna comes on as they get in a cardboard limo. Will and Jimmy are out the roof, while Mary-Kate and Ashley are out a window)

Jimmy and Will: Woo!

Mary-Kate and Ashley: Woo!!!

Jimmy and Will: Woo!

Mary-Kate and Ashley: Woo!!!

Jimmy and Will: Woo!

Ashley: Okay, we get it!

(the limo disappears and streamers come down from the ceiling with a sign, which falls down. A disco ball drops as “I’m not a girl, not yet a woman” comes on by Britney Spears)

Will: Mary-Kate, may I have this dance?

Mary-Kate: Okay!

(Will grabs her and starts ‘dirty dancing’ with her, and tries to kiss her as they dance)

Mary-Kate: Okay, oh! Cool it! Cool it!

Jimmy: I really like you, Ashley.

Ashley: Thanks!

Jimmy: No, I mean I really really like you!

Ashley: Thanks!

Jimmy: So can you chip in $80 for the limo? I mean…

Ashley: What?!

Jimmy: You’re riding in it as well, I mean, it’s just that—

(Maya comes in, holding a cup and is drunk and her speech is slurred. She has the same dress on as Ashley)

Maya: Oh. My. God. We’re wearing the same Sparkle Pink Barbie Dress! How could you do this to me, Ashley? I hate you!

Ashley: I didn’t know, sorry, I didn’t know!

(Who Let the Dogs Out by the Baha Men comes on)

Maya: Ohmigod I love this song!

(starts rocking out to the music)

Maya: Woo!!! Ohmigod, this is so much fun! I’m so sorry that we fought. We’re still friends right?

Ashley: Yeah.

Maya: Best friends?

Ashley: Yeah.

Maya: Okay! (she stumbles off)

Will: Hey, uh MK, you wanna get out of here? I got my dad’s Chrysler C-Bring Convertible! A bunch of us are going to go to a black neighborhood and try to buy wine.

Mary-Kate: No thanks.

Will: God, you’re stuck up!

Mary-Kate: You’re 35.

Maya: You guys…you guys, I don’t feel so good.

Ashley: Maya, what’s the matter, you okay?

Jimmy: Maya?

(Maya shakes her head)

Ashley: You okay?

(Maya throws up all over Ashley)

Maya: Ohmigod, I feel so much better. (laughs)

Ashley: Ohmigod, my ugly dress is ruined.

Announcer: And the 2004 Prom Queen is…Ashley! Olsen!

(Group cheers)

Announcer: Berger!

Ashley Olsen-Berger: Yay! I’m Ashley Olsen-Berger! I knew I was going to win! Woo!

(Time of Your Life comes on)

Ashley Olsen-Berger: Hey, Jimmy, heard you had a limo! What are you looking at, Full House?

(Jimmy and Ashley Olsen-Berger start making out)

Will: Hey, watch it fella! That’s my sister!

Jimmy: Yeah, she’s a better kisser than your mom!

(Will and Jimmy start punching each other, as do Maya and Ashley Olsen-Berger)

Mary-Kate: Well, that’s what we’re missing! What do you think?

Ashley: I think we have a great show tonight! J-Kwon is here!

Mary-Kate: So stick around, and we’ll be right back!

(Maya throws up again, right next to Mary-Kate)


Submitted by: Lindsey B.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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