SNL Transcripts: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen: 05/15/04: Photographers


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 20

03t: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen / J-Kwon


Photographer #1…..Amy Poehler
Photographer #2…..Ashley Olsen
Photographer #3…..Mary Kate Olsen

[open on HOLLYWOOD sign, dissolve to stock footage of photographers at a red carpet event, dissolve to three photographers at the front of a large crowd of papparazzi] [Cameron Diaz walks by, seen only from the back]

Photographer #1: Cameron, Cameron, Cameron, where’s Justin?

Photographer #2: Cameron, congratulations on Shrek 2!

Photographer #3: Love the dress, Cameron! Show me your bare feet, Cameron!

Photographer #1: Beautiful, Cameron! Cameron, pretend you’re surfing! [makes surfing motion] Pretend you’re surfing!

All: Thank you, Cameron!

Photographer #1: Oh, she’s great. We hang out a lot.

Photographer #2: Really?

Photographer #1: Yeah, I hide behind a Pepsi machine across the street from her dematoogist’s office, and she always waves at me when I take her picture.

All: J. Lo! J. Lo! J. Lo!

[Jennifer Lopez walks by, seen only from the back]

Photographer #3: Are you engaged?

Photographer #1: Beautiful, J. Lo, show us your ring!

Photographer #2: Put the ring near your butt!

Photographer #3: Let’s get the ring and the butt close together!

Photographer #1: Beautiful, beautiful. Rub your butt like a genie! [rubs her butt] Marc Anthony, pretend you’re a genie coming out of J. Lo’s butt.

All: Oh, boo!

Photographer #2: Come out of J. Lo’s butt like a genie!

Photographer #3: Come on, Marc Anthony.

Photographer #1: Man, I’ll tell you. Her and Affleck, those were good old days.

Photographer #3: Oh, tell me about it. I took a shot of them on Cape Cod, and he’s handing her some flowers, but it looks like he’s punching her. That picture paid for my lasix.

Photographer #1: Beautiful, Angelina!

[Angelina Jolie walks by, seen only from the back, and holding a small child]

Photographer #2: Angelina, stick out your lips! There you go, lick your lips!

Photographer #1: Beautiful, Angelina, show us your tattoos. Angelina, who are you having sex with tonight?!

Photographer #3: Angelina, hold up your kid!

Photographer #1: Yeah, hold up your kid like a purse! Now put him in the front of your pants, like you’re a kangaroo!

Photographer #2: And one of you alone, please, without the baby!

Photographer #3: Yeah, we want one without the kid!

Photographer #1: Without the kid, please!

[the child is thrown to Photographer #3, who catches it]

All: Thank you, Angelina!

[Photographer #3 throws the baby back]

Photographer #1: Beatiful, Olsen twins!

[the Olsen twins walk by, seen only from the back]

Photographer #3: Olsen twins, which one of you is which?!

Photographer #2: Which one of you is which?! [to 1] Which one’s which?

Photographer #1: Ashley’s the one giving you the finger.

Photographer #2: Right. Are you hungy?!

Photographer #3: Mary Kate, you’re too skinny! Eat a sandwich!

Photographer #2: Yeah, eat a sandwich!

Photographer #1: Eat a sandwich! Put your arms around each other! Stand back to back! Pretend you’re Siamese!

Photographer #2: Cute one smile! Cute one smile!

Photographer #3: Ugly one, give a thumbs up!

All: Oh, boo!

Photographer #3: Eat a sandwich!

Photographer #1: Come on, give a thumbs up! Give a thumbs up!

Photographer #2: I hear they never learned to read.

Photographer #3: Oh, I heard they get paid in cocaine.

Photographer #1: That’s what I heard, too. Courtney!

[Courntey Love staggers wildly by, seen only from the back]

All: Courtney! Courtney!

Photographer #1: Courtney, let me see that bruise, Courtney!

Photographer #3: Make a devil face!

Photographer #2: Let that homeless guy touch your boobs!

Photographer #1: Excellent, Courtney! Do something crazy, Courtney!

Photographer #3: Crazy!

Photographer #1: Oh, God!

[disgusted gasps from the entire crowd]

Photographer #1: Come on, Courtney, close that up!

Photographer #2: Put that away! Nobody wants to see that!

Photographer #3: That girl needs to get some boundaries.

Photographer #1: Dakota!

[a pixie-ish blond walks by, seen only from the back]

All: Dakota! Dakota!

Photographer #1: Oh, that’s not Dakota Fanning. That’s David Spade.

All: David, we love you!

Photographer #1: Bachelor guy!

Photographer #2: Get over there with that Apprentice guy!

Photographer #1: Beautiful! American Idol girl, put your fingers in the Apprentice guy’s mouth!

Photographer #3: Now, Bachelor dude, stand on your head!

Photographer #1: Beautiful! Bachelorette lady, squat down and let the Survivor guy get on your shoulders! Excellent! Now, everybody wrestle! [Courtney Love runs past in the opposite direction] Oh, Courtney, get out of there!

Photographer #3: Hey, I just got a picture of Omarosa’s nipple popping out!

Photographer #2: Mother F-ing jackpot!

[Photographer #2 and Photographer #3 high-five]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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