SNL Transcripts: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen: 05/15/04: Photographers

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 20

03t: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen / J-Kwon


Photographer #1…..Amy Poehler
Photographer #2…..Ashley Olsen
Photographer #3…..Mary Kate Olsen

[open on HOLLYWOOD sign, dissolve to stock footage of photographers at a red carpet event, dissolve to three photographers at the front of a large crowd of papparazzi] [Cameron Diaz walks by, seen only from the back]

Photographer #1: Cameron, Cameron, Cameron, where’s Justin?

Photographer #2: Cameron, congratulations on Shrek 2!

Photographer #3: Love the dress, Cameron! Show me your bare feet, Cameron!

Photographer #1: Beautiful, Cameron! Cameron, pretend you’re surfing! [makes surfing motion] Pretend you’re surfing!

All: Thank you, Cameron!

Photographer #1: Oh, she’s great. We hang out a lot.

Photographer #2: Really?

Photographer #1: Yeah, I hide behind a Pepsi machine across the street from her dematoogist’s office, and she always waves at me when I take her picture.

All: J. Lo! J. Lo! J. Lo!

[Jennifer Lopez walks by, seen only from the back]

Photographer #3: Are you engaged?

Photographer #1: Beautiful, J. Lo, show us your ring!

Photographer #2: Put the ring near your butt!

Photographer #3: Let’s get the ring and the butt close together!

Photographer #1: Beautiful, beautiful. Rub your butt like a genie! [rubs her butt] Marc Anthony, pretend you’re a genie coming out of J. Lo’s butt.

All: Oh, boo!

Photographer #2: Come out of J. Lo’s butt like a genie!

Photographer #3: Come on, Marc Anthony.

Photographer #1: Man, I’ll tell you. Her and Affleck, those were good old days.

Photographer #3: Oh, tell me about it. I took a shot of them on Cape Cod, and he’s handing her some flowers, but it looks like he’s punching her. That picture paid for my lasix.

Photographer #1: Beautiful, Angelina!

[Angelina Jolie walks by, seen only from the back, and holding a small child]

Photographer #2: Angelina, stick out your lips! There you go, lick your lips!

Photographer #1: Beautiful, Angelina, show us your tattoos. Angelina, who are you having sex with tonight?!

Photographer #3: Angelina, hold up your kid!

Photographer #1: Yeah, hold up your kid like a purse! Now put him in the front of your pants, like you’re a kangaroo!

Photographer #2: And one of you alone, please, without the baby!

Photographer #3: Yeah, we want one without the kid!

Photographer #1: Without the kid, please!

[the child is thrown to Photographer #3, who catches it]

All: Thank you, Angelina!

[Photographer #3 throws the baby back]

Photographer #1: Beatiful, Olsen twins!

[the Olsen twins walk by, seen only from the back]

Photographer #3: Olsen twins, which one of you is which?!

Photographer #2: Which one of you is which?! [to 1] Which one’s which?

Photographer #1: Ashley’s the one giving you the finger.

Photographer #2: Right. Are you hungy?!

Photographer #3: Mary Kate, you’re too skinny! Eat a sandwich!

Photographer #2: Yeah, eat a sandwich!

Photographer #1: Eat a sandwich! Put your arms around each other! Stand back to back! Pretend you’re Siamese!

Photographer #2: Cute one smile! Cute one smile!

Photographer #3: Ugly one, give a thumbs up!

All: Oh, boo!

Photographer #3: Eat a sandwich!

Photographer #1: Come on, give a thumbs up! Give a thumbs up!

Photographer #2: I hear they never learned to read.

Photographer #3: Oh, I heard they get paid in cocaine.

Photographer #1: That’s what I heard, too. Courtney!

[Courntey Love staggers wildly by, seen only from the back]

All: Courtney! Courtney!

Photographer #1: Courtney, let me see that bruise, Courtney!

Photographer #3: Make a devil face!

Photographer #2: Let that homeless guy touch your boobs!

Photographer #1: Excellent, Courtney! Do something crazy, Courtney!

Photographer #3: Crazy!

Photographer #1: Oh, God!

[disgusted gasps from the entire crowd]

Photographer #1: Come on, Courtney, close that up!

Photographer #2: Put that away! Nobody wants to see that!

Photographer #3: That girl needs to get some boundaries.

Photographer #1: Dakota!

[a pixie-ish blond walks by, seen only from the back]

All: Dakota! Dakota!

Photographer #1: Oh, that’s not Dakota Fanning. That’s David Spade.

All: David, we love you!

Photographer #1: Bachelor guy!

Photographer #2: Get over there with that Apprentice guy!

Photographer #1: Beautiful! American Idol girl, put your fingers in the Apprentice guy’s mouth!

Photographer #3: Now, Bachelor dude, stand on your head!

Photographer #1: Beautiful! Bachelorette lady, squat down and let the Survivor guy get on your shoulders! Excellent! Now, everybody wrestle! [Courtney Love runs past in the opposite direction] Oh, Courtney, get out of there!

Photographer #3: Hey, I just got a picture of Omarosa’s nipple popping out!

Photographer #2: Mother F-ing jackpot!

[Photographer #2 and Photographer #3 high-five]

Submitted by: DavidK93

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