Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 20
03t: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen / J-Kwon
Photographers
Photographer #1…..Amy Poehler
Photographer #2…..Ashley Olsen
Photographer #3…..Mary Kate Olsen
[open on HOLLYWOOD sign, dissolve to stock footage of photographers at a red carpet event, dissolve to three photographers at the front of a large crowd of papparazzi]
[Cameron Diaz walks by, seen only from the back]
Photographer #1: Cameron, Cameron, Cameron, where’s Justin?
Photographer #2: Cameron, congratulations on Shrek 2!
Photographer #3: Love the dress, Cameron! Show me your bare feet, Cameron!
Photographer #1: Beautiful, Cameron! Cameron, pretend you’re surfing! [makes surfing motion] Pretend you’re surfing!
All: Thank you, Cameron!
Photographer #1: Oh, she’s great. We hang out a lot.
Photographer #2: Really?
Photographer #1: Yeah, I hide behind a Pepsi machine across the street from her dematoogist’s office, and she always waves at me when I take her picture.
All: J. Lo! J. Lo! J. Lo!
[Jennifer Lopez walks by, seen only from the back]
Photographer #3: Are you engaged?
Photographer #1: Beautiful, J. Lo, show us your ring!
Photographer #2: Put the ring near your butt!
Photographer #3: Let’s get the ring and the butt close together!
Photographer #1: Beautiful, beautiful. Rub your butt like a genie! [rubs her butt] Marc Anthony, pretend you’re a genie coming out of J. Lo’s butt.
All: Oh, boo!
Photographer #2: Come out of J. Lo’s butt like a genie!
Photographer #3: Come on, Marc Anthony.
Photographer #1: Man, I’ll tell you. Her and Affleck, those were good old days.
Photographer #3: Oh, tell me about it. I took a shot of them on Cape Cod, and he’s handing her some flowers, but it looks like he’s punching her. That picture paid for my lasix.
Photographer #1: Beautiful, Angelina!
[Angelina Jolie walks by, seen only from the back, and holding a small child]
Photographer #2: Angelina, stick out your lips! There you go, lick your lips!
Photographer #1: Beautiful, Angelina, show us your tattoos. Angelina, who are you having sex with tonight?!
Photographer #3: Angelina, hold up your kid!
Photographer #1: Yeah, hold up your kid like a purse! Now put him in the front of your pants, like you’re a kangaroo!
Photographer #2: And one of you alone, please, without the baby!
Photographer #3: Yeah, we want one without the kid!
Photographer #1: Without the kid, please!
[the child is thrown to Photographer #3, who catches it]
All: Thank you, Angelina!
[Photographer #3 throws the baby back]
Photographer #1: Beatiful, Olsen twins!
[the Olsen twins walk by, seen only from the back]
Photographer #3: Olsen twins, which one of you is which?!
Photographer #2: Which one of you is which?! [to 1] Which one’s which?
Photographer #1: Ashley’s the one giving you the finger.
Photographer #2: Right. Are you hungy?!
Photographer #3: Mary Kate, you’re too skinny! Eat a sandwich!
Photographer #2: Yeah, eat a sandwich!
Photographer #1: Eat a sandwich! Put your arms around each other! Stand back to back! Pretend you’re Siamese!
Photographer #2: Cute one smile! Cute one smile!
Photographer #3: Ugly one, give a thumbs up!
All: Oh, boo!
Photographer #3: Eat a sandwich!
Photographer #1: Come on, give a thumbs up! Give a thumbs up!
Photographer #2: I hear they never learned to read.
Photographer #3: Oh, I heard they get paid in cocaine.
Photographer #1: That’s what I heard, too. Courtney!
[Courntey Love staggers wildly by, seen only from the back]
All: Courtney! Courtney!
Photographer #1: Courtney, let me see that bruise, Courtney!
Photographer #3: Make a devil face!
Photographer #2: Let that homeless guy touch your boobs!
Photographer #1: Excellent, Courtney! Do something crazy, Courtney!
Photographer #3: Crazy!
Photographer #1: Oh, God!
[disgusted gasps from the entire crowd]
Photographer #1: Come on, Courtney, close that up!
Photographer #2: Put that away! Nobody wants to see that!
Photographer #3: That girl needs to get some boundaries.
Photographer #1: Dakota!
[a pixie-ish blond walks by, seen only from the back]
All: Dakota! Dakota!
Photographer #1: Oh, that’s not Dakota Fanning. That’s David Spade.
All: David, we love you!
Photographer #1: Bachelor guy!
Photographer #2: Get over there with that Apprentice guy!
Photographer #1: Beautiful! American Idol girl, put your fingers in the Apprentice guy’s mouth!
Photographer #3: Now, Bachelor dude, stand on your head!
Photographer #1: Beautiful! Bachelorette lady, squat down and let the Survivor guy get on your shoulders! Excellent! Now, everybody wrestle! [Courtney Love runs past in the opposite direction] Oh, Courtney, get out of there!
Photographer #3: Hey, I just got a picture of Omarosa’s nipple popping out!
Photographer #2: Mother F-ing jackpot!
[Photographer #2 and Photographer #3 high-five]
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