SNL Transcripts: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen: 05/15/04: Summer Nights


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 20

03t: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen / J-Kwon

Summer Nights
..written by: Amy Poehler

…..cast of “Saturday Night Live”

[ open on studio backstage area, a line of lockers belonging to cast members ] [ Maya Rudolph and Rachel Dratch sit on a bench, as Seth Meyers and Chris Parnell close their lockers; Darrell Hammond leans placidly against a locker, smoking a cigarette ]

Seth Meyers: Well.. it’s the last sketch of the show.

Darrell Hammond: And the last show of the season.

Amy Poehler: [ enters ] I’m sad, you guys. I don’t want the season to be over. I hope we keep in touch.

Fred Armisen: [ enters ] Hey, you guys – there’s a huge party at Rachel’s house!

Rachel Dratch: [ hearing this for the first time ] There is?

Maya Rudolph: Everybody’s gonna be there!

Rachel Dratch: They are?

[school bell rings ]

Fred Armisen: That’s it! Summer’s here! It’s summertime!

[ Chris Parnell, Seth Meyers, Kenan Thompson and Finesse Mitchell snap their fingers and break into the harmony from “Summertime” by The Jamies ]

All: [ harmonizing ]“Summertime, Summertime, Sum-Sum-Summertime
Summertime, Summertime, Sum-Sum-Summertime
Summertime, Summertime, Sum-Sum-Summertime

Maya Rudolph: “No more cameras, no more lights.”

Rachel Dratch: “No more sketches, left to write.”

Amy Poehler: “No more orgies, Thursday night.”

[ everyone stops in their tracks, looks at a now-coyish Amy ]

Rachel Dratch: What orgies?

Amy Poehler: What? Huh?

All: “It’s Summerti-i-i-ime!”

Horatio Sanz: [ enters ] Hey, guys – I’m going on vacation!

Rachel Dratch: Well, where are you going, Horatio? [ says “Horatio” with heavy Spanish inflection ]

Horatio Sanz: To the greatest city on Earth!

Maya Rudolph: Where’s that, Horatio? [ says “Horatio” with heavy Spanish inflection ]

Horatio Sanz: Right here! In New York City!

[ everyone – except Darrell, who leans against the lockers in the background, smoking a cigarette and tapping it against a coffee cap as he stares blankly – ducks offscreen ]

Horatio Sanz: [ singing “Summer In The City” by The Lovin’ Spoonful ]“Hot town, summer in the city!
Back of my neck gettin’ dirt and gritty!”

Fred Armmisen: [ singing ]“Cool cat, lookin’ for a kitty!
Gonna look in every corner of the city!”

Together: [ singing ]“All around, people lookin’ half-dead
Walkin’ on the sidewalk, hotter than a match head!”

[ they stop singing, as horatio bends over hacking, coughing and wheezing from overexertion ]

Fred ArmisenYou alright, Horatio?

Horatio Sanz: Yeah, yeah, I’m cool. [ places inhaler in his mouth ]

Will Forte: [ enters ] You sure you okay, buddy?

Horatio Sanz: Yeah, yeah, I’m just —

Will Forte: You alright?

Horatio Sanz: Yeah..

Amy Poehler: Wow.. you alright, Horatio? [ to Will ] It looks like he’s out of breath.

Will Forte: Yeah. Well, what he needs is a nice summer breeze.

[ Horatio and Fred step offscreen, as Will and Amy look into one another’s eyes and break into “Summer Breeze” by Seals & Croft ]

Will & Amy: [ singing ]“Summer Breeze!
Makes me feel fine!
Blowin’ through the jasmine in my mi-ind!”

[ Maya re-enters, making the song’s electric guitar sound effects with her mouth ]

Fred Armisen: [ rushes back in, holding a strip of paper triumphantly ] Hey, guys! I just got Jimmy’s phone number!

[ everyone crowds around Fred to see; even Darrell Hammond suddenly changes position to remain in background of the camera angle ]

Finesse Mitchell: Let me see that.

Fred Armisen: It’s 5-5, 5-5-5!

Chris Parnell: Whoa!

Fred Armisen: We’re totally gonna hang out!

[ Tina Fey, dressed much like Sandy in “Grease”, enters scene clutching her Weekend Update notes, and sits on the bench. The girls excitedly crowd around her, leaving the boys alone off to the side ]

Girls: Hey! Hi, Tina! Hi!

Amy Poehler: So.. have you talked to Jimmy?

Tina Fey: [ glumly ] No. I haven’t seen him since Update.

Amy Poehler: Ohhh. Well, where have you been?

Tina Fey: In the cafeteria, eating my feelings.

[ cut to the guys, as Jimmy Fallon, clad in a leather jacket much like Danny Zuckow, enters acting all cool and makes his presence known ]

Jimmy Fallon: Heyyyy, guys!

[ the guys are as excited as a flock of teenage girls to see Jimmy ]

Jimmy Fallon: Hey, what am I, like, at a dog convention?

[ the familiar chords of “Summer Lovin'” pot up, as the girls become excitedly to see Jimmy nearby, and the guys goad Jimmy into making his way toward Tina ]

Jimmy Fallon: “Summer lovin’, had me a bla-ast!”

Tina Fey: “Summer lovin’, happened so fa-ast!”

Jimmy Fallon: “I met a girl, crazy for me-ee!”

Tina Fey: “I met a boy, cute as can be-ee!”

[ cut to split-screen of Jimmy and Tina, even though they’re only inches apart ]

“Summer day, driftin’ away
To uh oh, those summer nights!”

All: “Well uh, well uh, well uh..”

“Tell me more, tell me more!
Was it love at first sight!”

“Tell me more, tell me more!
Did she put up a fight!

Jimmy Fallon:
“It turned colder, that’s where it ends
So I told her, we’d still be friends.”

Tina Fey: “Then we made, our true love vow.”

[ full shot of locker room, as Jimmy walks over to Tina ]

Together: “Wonder what, he/she’s doing now.”

[ Jimmy reaches his hand to Tina’s face, nearly knocking the glasses off her face ]

“Summer dreams, ripped at the seams

[ Jimmy moves his hand down Tina’s jacket, grazing her breast to her great surprise ]

Together: “Those Sat-ur-day ni-i-i-ights!”

“Tell me more..
Tell me more..
Tell me mo-o-o-ore!”

[ zoom out to wide shot of the cast, and fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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